A
male
age
41-50,
*abaN
writes:Just want to get this out of the way first, while you are reading my issue, please note, that in no way i justify my actions to be right.I have been married for 8 years now, we have 2 kids now. When we got married she was a virgin, so understandable the first time was painful for her but she was willing and wanting to. and for the first month it was all well sex wise. After she got pregnant, then the issue started, she no longer wanted to have sex and always made excuses. Again this was ok because being pregnant and stuff messes with the body. so i backed off and let her be, now 4 to 6 months after we had given birth, I tried to initiate and was met with resistance, and this got me sad and upset. 2 years into our marriage and after only sex once a month, i started sleeping out, and now 8 years into our marriage, i am still sleeping out with other girls, for the most part its always with the same girl. I love my wife, I am quite sure i am not a bad husband, I am the sole provider for the family, since she had not been working since we got married but been going to school, for under graduate and now masters. Again, I do not complain about me being the only provided. But my complain is always the same, which is sex and getting some affection. I am sorry to say but she is not playful at all, I come home, trying to kissing touch her and she's like what!!! stop!!! (this gets me so mad). When this happens I feel justified to be with my side girl even more whom shows me affection and whom we have a lot of fun with like sex hiking, going out and stuff. But contrast to my wife no. FYI, 2 years ago after some serious argument and discussion, we started having sex 1 a week. See again i am ok if it just once a week, but even that, i have to remind her or ask if we can do it, she never initiates it. And Just 2 days when we were on vacation in Mexico with the kids. we were having a frank conversation about sex and she was like you know i hate it and its not sexy when you ask me for sex. and I told her i wouldn't be asking for sex if you would initiate it.Bottom line is, I really really hate sleeping out on my wife, but when she rejects me, I honestly feel no remorse cheating. But I cant do this forever, i want to hold my wife and just kiss her without some kind of rejection. and not gonna lie it hurts. And I have talked to her several times, it changes for few days and back to normal.
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reader, anonymous, writes (8 January 2022): Seems to me you just rationalized and made excuses for cheating on your wife. Let's cover all possible scenarios and probabilities; then you may decide what pertains to your situation.
Sometimes sex is painful for some women, and sometimes it's your lousy love-making technique. She said she doesn't like to be asked for it. It sometimes helps to be romantic and gentle. It does help to kiss and caress your partner during love-making. Warm her up, so to speak. If you just go for it to get-off, there is no romance or warmth; and just being aggressive and mechanical about sex is a sure turnoff. If she's small or petit, and you're much larger than she is, rough, and sloppy; she will hate sex. It's hard for her to tell you all the reasons; as not to hurt your feelings, or to make you angry. If you're difficult to talk to, or dismissive; it's no use in bothering to tell you anything.
Ego won't allow most of us guys to admit when we're lousy in bed; it's easier to blame your partner, and to dismiss any complaints or criticisms.
If you have unusual taste in porn, and she knows about it; it's hard to have someone on top of you, while you visualize all that must be going-on in his mind. She might feel very turned-off. Sometimes it's the size or shape of your penis. Peyronie's disease, or an extra curved penis, may be very painful during penetration for some women. Some guys really have an ugly one. Some dudes are large, and over-impressed with themselves; but have exaggerated egos that makes them think they're studs due to size, but they're terrible love-makers. Being big has nothing to do with the quality of your technique. Too small, can also be a turn-off, but how do you explain that without hurting his feelings?
No-one here can analyze your marriage; or tell you how your wife feels about you, because we only have your side of it. I can say, cheating on your marriage is not the way to solve problems in the bedroom; and you may introduce sexually-transmitted diseases into your marriage that condoms can't always protect you from. Like herpes, HIV, and hepatitis A, B, or C.
Open-sores, unhealthy gums, and scratches can introduce venereal infections.
She may know a lot more about your secret-life, and what you're up-to, than you may think. She may notice that you have a roving-eye. She may have snooped on your phone or internet search history. She may be aware, if you secretly like to watch porn (but deny it); or may have cheated while you were dating. People who know you, or her friends, may have told her they've seen you with other women. Many women who come to DC really hate it when their husbands are close friends to their exes/ex-wives; and just can't be receptive when he wants to have sex. They don't trust either of you. Especially when exes like to rub her nose in their presence; and tend to constantly contact you. Persistently disrupting your marriage; by always hovering over it, to deliberately to irritate her. While you don't seem to care, or pretend to be oblivious to it.
If you curse at her, call her names, or belittle her intelligence. Who wants to have sex with somebody like that???
You may think you've been slick, and have covered your tracks; but men who truly love and respect their wives don't cheat on them, and make excuses for it. They find ways to fix what's broken, and stay true to the woman they've got. They don't go find other women; while still holding-on to her.
If you are capable of cheating on your marriage; you had it in you to cheat before it. If you're a good-provider, a decent guy, and she was ready for marriage; she took you for what you're worth. She tolerates your faults, to some degree. Sometimes you might discover you're in a marriage of convenience, and you're the last one to know.
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (8 January 2022): You married a child with no life experience. What did you expect to happen poor girl needs therapy. You took advantage of a child Shame on you Divorce this child so she can grow up.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (8 January 2022): If a wife only gives her husband sex once a month it's because she is not enjoying it with him. It is down to you to make sure she does so she wants to do it more often. Once a month means wishing she never had to do it at all! She sees it as a chore, something she would much rather avoid. Like a sex worker puts up with it, grits their teeth and is glad when it is over. You should have picked up it was this bad for her ages ago!
Whatever the rest. Either you are faithful to your wife or you separate and get a divorce and start again as a single person or find another woman to be with. Anything else is selfish, not thought through and unfair to everyone concerned. Your wife has the right to be with a man who can turn her on and make her happy and truly appreciate her.
If you really loved her and appreciated her you would prefer sex with her once a month to other women.
You cannot work out how much someone loves you by how of they give give you sex anyway, it's especially ridiculous when it is clear they would rather not do it at all.
Maybe your wife married you so that she would not be single anymore, only you can work all of that out. What gets me is that you think the only thing that matters is you getting sex. You don't give any thought to whether or not she is unhappy, how she ticks, what she is thinking, or anything else, just sex, like a teenager!!
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A
male
reader, Kofcalifornia  +, writes (8 January 2022):
First of all let me just say you would be a fool to try to justify your actions. Its disgusting. Now with all due respect im gonna tell you what nobody else will say. You dont care about your wife and you never have. She knows this and its probably her biggest turn off. Dont be selectively honest be entirely honest if you want helpful advice. Please feel free to correct me when im wrong but it would take too long to wait for a reply to my questions so i will go based off my assumptions.
Your wife was underaged when you met her. She married you once she turned 18 not out of love but to get away from home. You were a selfish inconsiderate lover that married her because she was the only gurl to pay you any attention. She had alot of sex with you for the first month and then went cold. You blamed the pregnancy. The changes a womans body undergoes during pregnancy makes them need more sex not less. So your solution to that problem was to "back off and leave her be"!!! While pregnant you decided to distance yourself because she was turned off from sex. Four to six months after SHE NOT WE had given birth you began to demand sex and she set her foot down saying NO!
After 2 years of terrible once a month pity sex you started seeing a sex worker. If she was a sidechick you would have lost all interest in Your wife. You said you been sleeping with other gurls but for the most part its just the same one. I find it hard to believe that you would complain about your wife not being affectionate when you have the option of sleeping with other gurls. If they genuinely had attraction you would have left your wife already. Either these women are ugly and you feel ashamed for having sex with them or you resent the fact that you have to pay them to give you affection. You feel entitled to affection from your wife because you have been supporting her for 8 years.
I am no one to judge you. But if you seriously love your wife and desire to keep your family together i recommend you read a book titled "she comes first. The thinking mans guide to cunnilingus.
I understand you work hard to be the sole provider for your family and feel you deserve sex and affection. I understand how frustrated and discouraged you must feel. I have experienced rejection and i know it is devastating and soul-crushing! But dont give up. Feel free to private message me and discuss this further. Or try watching coach corey wayne on youtube. Also on youtube look up Ana jorgensen she is a female dating coach for men. Read "she comes first" its available as an ebook from google playstore and watch the dating coaches i mentioned on youtube. Dont be afraid to include your wife as she will be the one to offer you the best feedback. Listen to her words instead of just hearing. Good luck my friend.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (8 January 2022): You need to tell her what you have been up to ... and then you both need to work out if things can change ... you deserve to be loved ..
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