A
male
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:Girls have you ever approached a guy and had him reject you? I am not talking about being dumped. I am talking about when you meet a guy, you put yourself out there and ask him out and he shoots you down. I have this theory. Most girls seem to think they understand men, I think they don't understand men at all. The reason? Men are expected to do most of the approaching. I think most girls have never really approached a guy, and if they have, they usually do not get rejected because the guy is flattered. Because of this women, never really understand rejection, or fear of rejection and do not realize how much skill and effort it takes for guys to get good at approaching. I have always said that a lot of guys get rejected the first few times the approach a girl when they are 12 or 13, and they are shocked by how much they get hurt, women do not have this experience as a part of growing up. It is much safer to "wait for him to make the first move" than risk getting hurt by putting yourself out there. Girls have you ever approached a guy and been rejected? If so did it bother you or not? Also, how old were you at the time of your first rejection? Reply to this Question
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female
reader, YouWish +, writes (18 April 2016):
 I agree with the anonymous male that just posted. It's almost some sort of badge of honor to reject a guy cruelly. Television and movies glorify it, and you're right, it's cruel and indicative of the type of person you are to take pleasure in eviscerating or emasculating a guy for expressing interest, so long as it's not a disgusting or overpressuring overture. For example, watch "creepy text theatre" on Youtube for prime examples of what I'm talking about. The sexual come-ons that treat women like meat deserve no kindness, because they are emotional groping. However being cruel to a guy just because he's deemed "unworthy" is horrible, and I as a woman condemn it.
If a woman needs to put down a guy to assuage her ego, then she doesn't deserve partnership.
A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (17 April 2016): I have seen women get rejected lots of times. I have done some rejecting of women. They definitely have to deal with it. But I have never seen a woman handle 10 or 15 rejections in a single hour like it's nothing, and come out smiling because ONE person expressed some interest among all that. IMO its hard for women to appreciate the sheer amount of rejection men get. Lots of guys can get shot down a dozen times and still call that a good night. Sometimes women do some VERY HARSH rejecting too. The worst rejections you will ever hear of are usually coming from women feeling insulted by an unworthy man hitting on her. Men are far less prone to that. But, as another comment said, women deal with a lot of rejection after sex (or rejection for a relationship beyond sex). Men don't deal with much of that in proportion to women.
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female
reader, YouWish +, writes (15 April 2016):
I have! I've been married 17 years, but before that, I have been both the "asker" and "askee" and have been rejected before. I look at it with the same thought as I look at baseball - even the best Hall of Fame home run kings have struck out more than they have hit the ball. Babe Ruth for example led the league in home runs, and no one would ever doubt that he was and is a legend. The less-known aspect about him is that he also led the league in strikeouts. Do you think that he would be the legend he is if he was too scared of striking out to hit the ball?
I asked out the guy who turned out to be my husband. He was so scared of being rejected (he had wanted to ask me out for months, but was too scared and "friendzoned" me instead). It's a stereotype that you'd think that women don't have to worry about rejection.
My first rejection?? I don't remember my first, but I do remember my most painful (at the time). It was in high school and I was 17. I was a tomboy, but I wore makeup and looked like a girl. I asked a guy out at a party, and his response was that I wasn't "girly enough" and that he didn't want to date a girl who didn't paint her nails and liked dancing and cheerleading. I keep my nails clean and filed, but I have always hated painting them. I also prefer blue jeans and the outdoors to dresses and primping. While other girls were cheerleading, I was leading survival expeditions and rifle/pistol teams and kayaking. Nevertheless, that one hurt. I didn't show him that it did, but he wanted a bit of "trophy fluff" on his arm rather than to get to know someone. I got over it. I was glad he was honest with me. I think I turned out better than he did as the years went by, as he's been divorced 3 times and hasn't aged well at all on multiple fronts.
I've also had a sales background as well. Rejection isn't the scary pain monster that some people make it out to be. I look at it as shoveling the dirt away to get to the diamond. Each rejection gets you closer to the girl or guy who says yes. Don't get hung up on it. Take care of yourself physically and mentally, and if you have traits you desire in girls you ask out (i.e. beautiful, fit, etc.), you need to BECOME those things first. Some guy who rolls out of bed and eats Cheetos on his chest isn't going to fare well with a woman who takes care of herself. So work on yourself! Strengthen your body AND your mind! Become intellectually interesting and stimulating. It's not all about body and exterior!
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female
reader, Honeypie +, writes (15 April 2016):
 I think most women understand that it's quite an "ordeal" to get the courage to ask someone out. It's nerve wrecking.
I have turned down a few guy, and I have been turned down myself as well. I think it's just part of life. Does it get any easier? Well, I can't really say because I have been with my husband for 20 years.
Of course it's a bruise to the pride when someone turns you down, whether it's BEFORE even going on a date or after 1-2 dates. Specially if you didn't see it coming. But my mom told me a LONG time ago that if someone wasn't interested it was fine because you can't "win" them all.
It's a lot like going to job interviews. You think you are a great fit for the job, you like the atmosphere during the interview and you think you did well. Only to find a "We're sorry, we have chosen another candidate". It's a bit frustrating. But again, you CAN'T "win" them all.
Getting rejections can also help you hone your skills. Maybe what some women are rejecting is NOT you, but your approach.
And by the way, I don't think I have ever sat around and WAITED for a guy to approach me.
I think if you go IN with the expectation that EVERY girl is going to say yes, it will hurt more. Or that you somehow "deserve" a date because YOU did the asking so you took the risk, then I think you got it all wrong.
You win some, you lose some - and nothing ventured, nothing gained - both expressions to think on when doing something you find a bit nerve-wrecking.
Life isn't fair, so it's UP to you to make the best of it.
I also like to point out that I think women actually take longer to ask a guy out they are interested in, because they try and gauge the other person BEFORE asking out. So they don't just go up to a handsome guy and hope for the best. Doesn't always work.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (15 April 2016): Yes, I was rejected by the cute boy with the British accent who lived a few doors down. I was 12 and he was 17. He told me my boobs were not big enough for him and that I was too young for him. Double whammy!! Lol I can laugh at it now but it really stung at the time. As for women being rejected after pursuing a man, sure it happens. I think it is safe to say some men do have some logic in their big head which stabilizes their little head once in awhile. Sometimes the situation or timing is not right or they are already committed or just not attracted to the woman. Lots of reasons.I pursued my now boyfriend of 3 years. He liked me from the start and was very shy to ask me out. He thought I was out of his league. But he gave me enough signs to make me confident enough to go and get him! Lol So glad I did! :)
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female
reader, mystiquek +, writes (15 April 2016):
 Yes, I have been rejected after asking a guy out. First time was in my teen's probably 16. The one that hurt the most was when I had a room mate. We were buddies, but I wanted more and he didn't. I still had to live with him after he turned me down and it cut like a knife when he would talk about other girls, or go out with them. We remained very close friends but I never totally could handle the rejection. I never let him know how much he hurt me.
Girls get rejected all the time..just like guys.
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A
female
reader, chigirl  +, writes (15 April 2016):
 Uh, girls get rejected by guys just as often as guys get rejected by girls. So your theory is wrong. I approach men and I have hardly ever gotten a date out of it. The cases where I DID get a date out of it, was only when I pretended that I wasn't the one approaching them, but just "casually happened to stand right next to them and bump into them" or something stupid like that.
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female
reader, RubyBirtle  +, writes (15 April 2016):
I have "done the asking" quite a few times. I have been both accepted and rejected. Did the rejections bother me? Yes, a bit. I felt disappointed, a bit sad
Not sure how old I was the first time - probably about 14 - and that one hurt the most. It got easier as I got older.
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female
reader, like I see it +, writes (15 April 2016):
 I have... age 16-17 maybe? I didn't start dating till age 16 or so, so although I didn't experience rejection aged 12-13 I did experience rejection very early on in my dating life.
Of course it bothered me - I had real feelings for the guy, and every teenage heartache feels like the end of the world when you're young and have little to no life experience to compare it with - but it did not stop me from approaching other men I found interesting throughout the years. I found that if I wasn't willing to do some of my own approaching, my dating pool was limited to men who were both brave enough to approach and who actively "chose" me.
I'm not sure that I agree with the idea of most men accepting most approaches due to "flattery" as I've known quite a few men who shot down girls who expressed interest, often times over some aspect of the girl's appearance. I have been shot down over my own appearance.
It's my observation that men, like women, feel more free to be choosy when they are the ones being pursued. Although I'm the only woman in my workplace and hear a lot (sometimes too much!) about my male coworkers' personal lives, I have yet to hear anyone acknowledge going on a date with someone they wouldn't choose to date otherwise because they were flattered by her attention. (Because they thought she'd be an easy lay? Different story!)
To be fair, I don't think many women bother with "pity dates" either. Either you are attracted to the person and have chemistry with them or you're not and you don't, but I don't think being or feeling flattered substitutes for either of these qualities.
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As a footnote, my now-fiancé is someone I approached and asked out :)
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A
female
reader, jls022 +, writes (15 April 2016):
Yes I've approached several men and been rejected. I agree it sucks but the mentality I have is I have nothing to lose - I go in without a date and if he says no? I'm in the exact same situation!
However, even for those women who have not actively asked men out, to say they don't understand rejection is a bit naive in my opinion.
Firstly, just like men are expected to do the asking, women are expected to BE asked. Many men assume that this means all women are rejecting guys constantly, when in fact a large percentage of women very rarely, if ever, get approached. That in itself also feels like a rejection, as they can see the hottest 5% of girls being approached regularly while they sit there invisible and waiting.
Secondly, many women experience another phenomenon that I'd argue less men have to go through - being rejected after sex. So many men pretend to like a girl, tell her they feel a connection with her and all the rest of it, then disappear as soon as she puts out. That is an awful feeling and one which even my most choosy girlfriends have gone through. You surely must agree that is a rejection too?
Thirdly, women are dumped every day by men they love. This happens to both sexes of course, but is still a rejection and arguably a far worse one than being rejected by a stranger no?
And finally OP, you may disagree with this, but in my experience there are men out there who believe that women who do the asking are a bit desperate. They think it means you'll accept any treatment and have sex straight away in order to 'hook' a man. Many women avoid asking men out to avoid this exact situation.
I get what you're saying OP, I do. You don't think it's fair that men are expected to do the asking and you think women should appreciate that it's nerve wracking. Which it is, and I believe most women do appreciate that. But it's also not all roses on our side either. Each sex has their own issues to deal with, but the fact is if we want to be successful in dating and love then we've got to accept it isn't a perfect or fair world, put ourselves out there, keep positive and work with the circumstances we find ourselves in.
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