A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:My boyfriend of 4.5 years has been a very loyal and humble person till recently. He had gone on a vacation and has sex at one of the massage parlours. He told me the very next day and has been very guilty and emotionally unstable since then. On the other hand, i'm fuming with anger and feel cheated as I had warned him not to do any such thing. He has made all sorts of promises that it would never happen again. I somehow do not want to end the relationship maybe but i do want to give it to him and get back at him. Need some suggestions. I want him to feel what a big mistake he's committed and that i'm not going to take it lightly Reply to this Question
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reader, anonymous, writes (16 April 2016): You know what? Revenge is very SWEET.And justified in your case.Do what you feel YOU need to do.You do not need anyone's permission.Whatever you think will make YOU feel better.Whatever will give YOU closure.Whatever feels RIGHT for YOU.I get you totally. And getting my revenge before I CUT him out of my life forever is exactly what I would do. Honestly, I don't give a damn if I look immature or stoop to his level. It will give me satisfaction and I can live with that.Somebody who you TRUSTED with your HEART, your very essence of being... the one place that is vulnerable to the world and must be protected at all costs by your partner... who, in fact KNOWS this. HE KNOWS how much you feared he would cheat. And how you BEGGED him to stay faithful. Yet even knowing this, even through your BEGGING him, he made the cold, calculated, selfish choice to seek his own gratifications. F#ck your feelings and how devastated you would be. He just put that all aside for a few brief moments of sex. Broke your heart over a cheap and meaningless thrill. WHAT A DISGUSTING PIG! Yeah, he deserves to pay for violating your heart to an extent that it will cause you deep emotional damage and distress not only today but for the rest of your life. That kind of pain doesn't just go away. It eats you up and destroys you. It CHANGES you. And to do that to you and get away with it with just you walking away? That would be much too easy. He destroyed you. Do you think walking away is enough punishment? I don't.Walk away but first make him pay. He needs to learn a lesson. A guy like that will not learn it if you just leave him. That is not going to be enough.And if you stay, he will cheat again because he will think you will always forgive him.So, don't forgive him.I know I would resent him for the rest of my life and I would be making him pay in all sorts of subliminal and subconscious ways. So why bother staying in a poisoned relationship? It would eat away at him and the relationship in time. The minute the cheating happens it is like all love is lost in an instant. It turns to disgust and hate and wanting to punish. I do understand where you are coming from.The high road is a mere slap on the hand. That is all.So, if I were you, make sure you are of heart and mind that you are ready to end this. Without question. And I think you are judging by how deeply he hurt you and how much you hate him right now. He is probably despicable to you and the thought of him ever touching you again repulses you. So... when you are ready and are good with that, find a very sexy man and have sex with him. Videotape it and send it to him. Good riddance to your pig of a "boyfriend."
A
female
reader, Honeypie  +, writes (16 April 2016):
 I agree with YouWish and BrownWolf
I would not waste time OR effort in trying to show him how angry and unhappy HIS actions made you. I would simply end it.
IF he can cheat now, what on Earth would stop him from cheating again and even after marriage? *hint* NOT a thing.
For me, cheating is a complete deal breaker.
You have to decide if HIS choice, HIS action is a deal breaker or NOT for you.
The wanting "revenge" or to "punish" him, I get it, but it IS pointless as he ALREADY did the act. In my eyes by staying you are showing him that it isn't as big of a deal as your words are trying to indicate.
It would be bye bye for me.
Fool me once, shame on you; fool me twice, shame on me.
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A
female
reader, Caring Aunty A  +, writes (15 April 2016):
 My first thoughts are; why did you need to warn him? This suggests to me, he has not been very loyal or clean in his thoughts over the last 4½ years, and you know something in his character that can’t be trusted! He has had these thoughts and desires before which have made you suspicious.
For me, it would not be wise to continue with such a person, you will only have a future filled with disgrace, guilty promises and the insecurity of him cheating on you again. This is not a foundation (or memory) on which to build a loving respectful marriage.
IF you’re not going to take this lightly and want to be taken seriously, then don’t you make the big mistake by staying with him!
Take Care – CCA
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A
female
reader, YouWish +, writes (15 April 2016):
 This is a strange question, because I'm thinking that he already knows how unhappy you are about this. And, you said something that caught my attention: "I had warned him not to do any such thing." Why did it occur to you to warn him about this? Obviously your fears had a lot of merit, but at the same time, a lot of cheating tends to "blindside" the partner because they trust the cheater.
You were NOT blindsided, which means that either in the past 4.5 years you were together, this isn't the first time that he's damaged your trust in him OR you've had trust issues from the start. I'm inclined to think that it's the former, so I'd love to see you follow up on this and confirm - has he cheated on you before?? Has he been disloyal before? How did you know to warn him rather than wish him a good time on his trip??
You can't "give it to him and get back at him". Even if you "revenge cheat" like other people have thinking that it will even the score, it won't work. It will merely damage your relationship further and start a chain reaction that will end your relationship.
If you have decided that you want to stay with him, you need to go to counseling with him. You need to rebuild your relationship and get to the bottom of the corrosion that has gotten in. You're right in that it will take time and work to heal and rebuild, and you feeling like you want to get back at him will actually make things worse if your goal is to stay in the relationship.
Otherwise, if you have tried to get you both into couples counseling and he's not going for it, then you may need to split up, as that means he has disconnected from the relationship. Something tells me that if he told you the next day, he hasn't. So get into professional couples counseling together, get to the bottom of why he did what he did, and work at repairing the damage together.
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A
male
reader, Fatherly Advice +, writes (15 April 2016):
 Consequences. The natural consequence of breaking trust is the loss of trust. In reality that has happened. You don't trust him.
You think, that some pain on his part might help him not make this kind of mistake again. Or you want him to feel the pain as much as you are.
This is a common mistake people make. They substitute a artificial consequence for the natural one. Pain for loss of trust. I would strongly advise you to stick to the natural consequence. But I think you don't know how to do that.
Try words like this: I can't trust you. Your selfish actions have hurt me and my feelings for you have changed. We can not be boy friend / girlfriend any more until you go back to the beginning and build new trust. You have to make promises and keep them for a long time. And if you do that I my be able to trust you again, but there is still a possibility that no matter what you do when I close my eyes to kiss you, I will see you kissing her in my mind. And if that doesn't stop despite all we both do to heal, then I won't be able to be intimate with you.
He needs to understand that. You need to understand that. There is no artificial consequence or punishment that you can inflict on him that will heal your trust. Only many promises, faithfully kept over a long period of time can fix your trust.
Last note: If you ignore this Sage advice and decide to give him a short path to forgiveness, he will likely hurt you in this way again thinking that he can get back quickly. Don't do that please.
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A
male
reader, BrownWolf  +, writes (15 April 2016):
 First of all....He is not the one making a "big mistake"...YOU ARE !!!
You see...the word "boyfriend" has a very important word right in it to help you make choices in times like this.
When your boyfriend cheats on you...look at the boyfriend again, and you see the word "END". Meaning what...end this so called relationship.
He is not your husband where you may want to fight to save your marriage. You do not depend on him to live financially. So why do you want him to see his mistake??
The only thing he should be seeing is your back, as you walk away.
If he thinks so little of your relationship now, do you really want to hold on and marry him??
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A
female
reader, aunt honesty  +, writes (15 April 2016):
 I have answered this question before, however it is news that it was a massage palour, meaning not only did he cheat but he paid to do it? The thing is you say you told him not to do something like this, but sweetie you shouldn't need to tell him, not if you both trust each other.
If you want to stay with him well then that is your choice and I won't talk you out of it, however you cannot get back at him, get revenge, that just makes you as bad as him, either you forgive him and move forward or you punish him by ending the relationship. I agree he should work hard to try and gain your trust but you should not be out for revenge if you really want this relationship to work.
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