A
male
age
51-59,
*eebus
writes:I am a married man of 10 years.Recently I discovered my wife has been deceiving me over the amount of contact with an EX of hers.I was cool with the level of contact I was lead to believe was going on..... but it is about 4 times the amount I was lead to believe.Anyhow.... about 7 months ago.... she said one day to me that she 'popped' in for a coffee with the EX....all cool with me.But now I find out it was 3 or 4 pop ins :(Anyhow.... I hit the roof..... she went on a Polygraph and passed the *not sleeping with him* and the *not in love with him* questions.She admitted that she felt as if she was doing wrong during questioning though.One month, late last year, she phoned him 10 out of 30 days. ( I thought the contact was about 1 phonecall every 3 weeks )Now she had been mad with me for a couple of years over some in-law things.... but I never felt that I was doing 'the wrong thing'.She **DID** feel like she was doing wrong.I did stronly feel like divorcing her over this.It is a major betrayal of the heart hand ming if you ask me.She has appologised and broken all contact. She used to talk about him a little bit..... now never mentions him.She was doing this because she was mad at me... I think.However,,,,, I don't feel the same level of love for her as I used to.We get along great..... marriage is good on a day to day basis....... but I think about this every day.I cannot get back to where I was in loving her.Question.... would this toast it for you..... or do I have it not all that bad???????
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female
reader, HonningKanin  +, writes (19 October 2008):
 People break up from relationships for many reasons. Not all relationships end badly and not all of the people involved have to hate eachother and never speak.I myself am married and have friends who were at one point my boyfriend. Why am I still friends? Cause I get along with them. They are friendly and I like who they are as a person. We know already the reasons why our relationship failed and that we are just not compatible in that department and that we are just better suited to being friends. I harbour no amourous feelings towards them and I have no ill desires towards them eiher. They are people. People I get along with and can talk to. Personally that is hard to find and very silly to just throw away just because they are labled "the ex." People seriously need to grow up.
A
reader, anonymous, writes (19 October 2008): I'm sorry but keeping friendships with EX's is a no go in my marriage. Why would anyone think it's o.k. when there's a history of Love, Intimacy...???
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A
female
reader, Sugarbuns +, writes (19 October 2008):
 So I guess what you're saying is, that you're wife has been "friendly" with her ex for your entire marriage of 10 years. Did they have kids together? Because if they were previously married and had kids, I'd think they are remaining friends for the sake of their children. If not, then I'd say it's possible she has never really let go of her ex. Thank God she tested "negative" on the poly when asked if she had been shagging him. But I'm also wondering why anyone would go to such great lengths. (I mean how easy is it to actually get your hands on a poly machine in the first place?)....Anyhow, I think you're wife has problems with honesty. She's keeping her "ex" in the wings maybe to boost her confidence as a woman, or to have a safety net of another man, should she decide to take things further. Also I'm curious if her ex is single or is he sneaking around behind his wife's back too?....I wouldn't say you should immediately file for divorce, but the trust is gone for the moment. I think couples counseling might help the both of you. Your wife really needs to ask herself why she needs to be friends with her ex and see him so much if she really loves you. And you need to figure out if you love her enough to forgive and forget. Though the forgetting part may take longer. I'm assuming the rest of the relationship is okay. The sex is good?....You have enough in common to spend quality time together etc...etc. Try counseling. It might help.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (19 October 2008): Dear 'Has trust been broken',I would say or ask "Is this heart been broken ?" but weare not through here yet, and maybe it isn't for you ifyou decide to really repare the damage which seems to have been done to you. You repare the damage by telling her toget some help, because you are not the person doing the'dumping' or... hurting. But is it really fair for YOU torepare the damage, and is it worth it ? Ten years ! Youmust love her but still, after everything, you need to decide is it really worth it ! Are there children involvedand if so, she should have given you the respect of beingpresent at any 'meetings' much let alone just showing upwith the 'ex' or "ex's" to say the least. You show thatyou have a heart, and I would tell ...her...this heartcan not be stomped on. And while you're at it, tell the'ex's' if they come around, "go out the door and take thesecond hand trash with you when you go !"
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (19 October 2008): Dear 'Has trust been broken',I would say or ask "Has this heart been broken ?" but weare not through here yet, and maybe it isn't for you ifyou decide to really repair the damage which seems to have been done to you. You repair the damage by telling her toget some help, because you are not the person doing the'dumping' or... hurting. But is it really fair for YOU torepair the damage, and is it worth it ? Ten years ! Youmust love her but still, after everything, you need to decide is it really worth it ! Are there children involvedand if so, she should have given you the respect of beingpresent at any 'meetings' much let alone just showing upwith the 'ex' or "ex's" to say the least. You show thatyou have a heart, and I would tell ...her...this heartcan not be stomped on. And while you're at it, tell the'ex's' if they come around, "go out the door and take thesecond hand trash with you when you go !"
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A
female
reader, HonningKanin +, writes (19 October 2008):
I refere back to why I had to lie to my father. Pretty much so I didn't have to deal with his behavior.
And it is a leap of faith I guess to believe her explenation afterwards, but damn... a polygraph? Come on that is extreme. This could have been a missunderstanding or it could have been she did lie to avoid this mans wrath. How many times have you told a lie to your partner to spare them pain or avoid an arguement? Should your partner lose total faith in you because of that lie if they ever found out? And again it shouldn't be so easy to fall out of love just because you have lied. That completely astonishes me. That to me says you dont love them very much. We have men and women here who even after much harsher things still love their partners.
If you need a polygraph just cause your wife lied about how many times she phoned someone or met up with someone to make sure she wasn't fooling around, you dont have much trust in the first place. The OP got what he wanted after the polygraph, because it seems it was so needed, and he still hasn't dropped it. He is playing the victim and wants support from others on this matter. Again we have established that lieing is bad, but again this could have been handled far better. He could have just asked his wife not to lie to him again after he knew.
You know when someone lies to you you have to wonder why they lied too. What are their reasons. Sometimes, I admit, they are for no reason and are just playing a person and othertimes its to aviod a judgement, pain or arguement.
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A
male
reader, eddie  +, writes (19 October 2008):
 It's difficult to clarify a point when the person you're asking to clarify is the one who has been telling lies. There is no point of reference to base if they're still telling lies. At that point it's a leap of faith to believe them. They are the ones who lied. Why should he trust her, she was lying. Am I missing something here. It seems the liar has the need to prove something, not the person being lied to.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (18 October 2008): High... original poster here...
I should add that about 12 months ago my ( you know what ) dripped. What would you think??????
Turns out it was somrthing else..... but that is a one in a thousand chance.
Also.... wife manulative..... would say" I want to buy a new house becausethis area reminds me of bad relationships etc etc " What a load of it..... if it was that bad ...why visit him all the time.
Had lied about gambling in the past. Found out heaps here.
I am not controlling..... just the opposite..... and I've been screwed over!!
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A
female
reader, HonningKanin +, writes (18 October 2008):
I stand firm by what I said because I have seen it all too often. I personally know lieing is a wrong thing to do and yes she did wrong by not saying to him what she was doing but by how this man reacted and how easily it seems she can fall out of favour I would be inclined to view this as an attempt to sheild herself from a critical nature.If I have "crusified" him it is because it of what he has written n his blatent attempts not only on this post but another to stress how WRONG she was and to rally more support for his points. To feel justified and I for one dont see it and do not believe he is justified.If it were me and I had found out my partner had been talking more to my ex than previously had been told I would have asked him why he had lied firstly. Clearified that nothing was going on. I would have told him from then on I wanted the truth because I dont like being mislead and after comming to a conclusion, would have dropped it. I would not need to resort to a polygraph. To me if you go to that level you dont trust your partner at all and have serious issues if you need a polygraph and even bigger ones if something so small like this makes the person fall out of love.
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A
male
reader, eddie +, writes (18 October 2008):
I was surprised by the polygraph point too but I still have to say what she was doing was wrong. We don't really know if this guy is as controlling as the aunts have mentioned but we do know she was deceiving him. If what he says is true, she was doing wrong. Without both sides of the story it's difficult to draw conclusions. Unless she had valid reasons to be with her ex, she was hiding it for some reason. Let's not be so naive as to crucify the husband for at least calling her on it. The polygraph sounds like an extreme but she was willing to do it. She got caught, not the husband.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (18 October 2008): You're kidding..you made her take a polygraph? What are you, a cop?? Seriously..that's extremely insulting. I wouldn't have done it. How sad for her. Are you a control freak? It just sounds so mean, perhaps she really didn't think she did anything wrong. I'm glad I'm not married to you. I would have left by now.
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A
female
reader, HonningKanin +, writes (18 October 2008):
You know you really sound controlling and I feel very bad for your wife. If i was in her situation, I would have felt like i was doing wrong because of knowing how you would react.
To me, you sound like my father(step). Highly critical and if it is not exactly to the letter of how many times something was done or said his top would fly and we would have a huge tantrum on our hands. He never thought he did anything wrong and was always justified. This led us to lie to him alot to SPARE us of his attitudes. We didn't do it purely to lie to him or because we had other motives, its because he was completely unrational and we couldn't talk to him.
If we were caught out, or even if we told him and he took it badly, we would HAVE to appologise to him otherwise he wouldn't shut up or even calm down. That fact that she had to take a polygraph to prove what she was saying sounds very much like you never really had much trust in what she said anyways because you are very sure in your own mindset until given proof. Again I pity your wife that something so trivial as this would cause you to fall out of love with her.
Where are your priorities? Seriously. She was telling the truth that nothing was going on and that she didn't love him, that it was platonic and went so far as to have a polygraph and yet you still feel betrayed over the amount of times she met up with him. My god that sounds so lame and very controlling. Is she not allowed to have friends? Is she not allowed to have her own personal life?
Give this woman a break and stop acting like a spoilt child who is playing the victim and pay attention to making your marriage happier for the both of you.
Goodluck
HonningKanin
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A
male
reader, eddie +, writes (18 October 2008):
I'd bet she figured if she told you she'd "popped in for a coffee" and you didn't object, she'd write off the other visits as probably being acceptable too. She'd allow herself that you'd "probably" be OK with that too. She could argue that she didn't think you minded.
In reality what she did sounds wrong. Why so much interest in the ex? You are in a spot. You would have reason to break up if you chose or you cold try and work it out. Unfortunately time is the only thing that can let the pain/anger subside. IF you choose to wait and see how it pans out, you're not allowed to badger her over this since you've agreed to try and fix it.
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