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male
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anonymous
writes: Dear Cupid,There is this weird thought that makes me constantly question the relationship between a guy and a girl. I am an adult guy who has had a few flings but that's all. I never sustained a relationship with a girl for the fear of getting hooked up.I am a movie buff and believe me i watch most of the romantic hits, sometimes more than once (watched "You've got mail", the other day). I am so much influence by them that i try to visualize similar situation for my life and relationship. The guys in there are so perfect and kind. I try to match some of them to impress girls. Similarly i except the girls to match the expectations of those shown in the movie. But it rarely happens. All this time i have been trying to perfect myself to find a girl who is perfect enough to fit in my visual mindframe. This is becoming difficult though, as in real world, i find most of the things shown in movie doesn't seem to relate. I try to be kind to some girls, but they don't respond back with the same interest. So i find it all boring and move on. Am i expecting too much?
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reader, schlottjl  +, writes (6 September 2005):
 You are (bless your heart) a commitment phobe. Or at least that is how you came off in the question. The bad news is that if this is true, you do have an uphill battle in finding satisfaction in relationships. The good news is, you have already began the road to recovery in realizing your position. Many, many people forever blame the others and never see the painful pattern. Most CP's are extremely romantic. It is nice to hear that you mean well but that only goes so far. You need to research the phases of relationships then apply your new knowledge.
First, find someone you know is available and on your level. Don't let your feelings overwhelm you so soon. Even if you must force yourself to calm down. Make sure she lives in the area, has a value system like yours, has a similar or same faith, etc. Get rid of the excuses before you commit.
Next, do not sleep with her just because you want to. Let the fiery phase tone down first. Tell her your trying to get real and don't want to ruin it. She will like that and you will be in a better place since women bond after sex and men decide if they want to stay. Not cool for her.
See a doc or therapist about this as phobias are some of the easiest problems to beat. Confirmed phobics with serious life debilitating problems have beaten their fear and returned to better than normal in less than 4 (yes, FOUR) days.
Remember that every real and happy relationship has the stage after perfect (or delusional) love and it is referred to as the disillusioned phase. Becoming disillusioned is vital to real love. It also sucks. It always sucks to learn that people are individuals and not likely to serve your every need. But it is normally where people bail out of a perfectly good relationship.
Instead of freaking out when this happens, expect it and with counseling, you can even love it. Look at the perfect relationship as one that, if you get only half of your needs met, then you are lucky! Instead of expectations, meet as many of her needs as you can. Love is an act it is not a fantasy. It is often hell. But it is the thing that makes life worth living.
If nothing else, find romantic movies where love is depicted in the later phases. I know that there are many, but you should search them out. Ask other movie buffs. My favorites are where ever there are strong wives who take a little crap but with a great attitude. I love My Greek Wedding - the mother who is “the Neck” has the attitude I want. She could get ticked when her husband is a pig but she instead is cool and in charge. Meanwhile, he has no clue. Another, I think it is called "Something to Talk about" (has Julia Roberts and Denis Quaid) has another older mom I just love. Or, "Hope Floats" with Sandra Bullock and her characters mom whose husband is very flawed and even hospitalized indefinitely. And my favorite for elder love, "on Golden Pond" Hepburn and the “old poop” is the kind people should aspire to for sure. Instead of idolizing the passion phase, try to plan how you will be perfect when (not if WHEN) you are disappointed in your new gal. No person is perfect and you need to choose what three or four things you must have in a woman. Then no matter how annoying the rest is, live with it.
A
female
reader, Delila +, writes (6 September 2005):
You have the best intentions really, nobody can blame you for wanting a fairy tale life. In real life though there is good and bad in everyone. Its like night and day. Every single person on this great earth has a light side and a shadow side. Sometimes the light side is more apparent but if we get to know somebody well enough we will find the shadow. Loving somebody means that we accept the dark with the light. Personally I like to see the shadow side pretty early on in a friendship as then I know the person is keeping it real. If the person seems too perfect or just brimming with non stop goodness I begin to wonder what they are hiding, I know from experience that if we stick around long enough we will eventually find it. You don't have to lower your standards but need to accept reality. I hope you do find the love of your life, be yourself and love yourself. Delila
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reader, kt  +, writes (5 September 2005):
 well i believe that there is someone out there for everyone, and i think if you want to find that specail someone you have to be yourself. there is no point tring to be someone else and lieing to get people to fall in love with you it will be hard on both of you. and forget about what happens in the movies, your life is your own adventure, thats what makes it more interesting so live your own life and be yourself.
i hope this helps.
good luck!!
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A
female
reader, xxxsoulsistaxxx +, writes (5 September 2005):
 You sound like a lovely guy but I'm afraid to say that, yes, it does sound like your expectations are too high. Don't get me wrong, I know there are girls out there that would love to be swept off their feet and act out romantic films for a while, but in the long run, that's not what relationships are in real life. They're hard work sometimes and it's not all romance.
I do hope you meet someone who lives up to what you want your dream girl to be, you sound like a nice guy. But until then, just have some fun. Go out with a few girls, treat them well and have a good time! That's what being single is all about! Have fun and I hope your princess turns up. Good luck :)
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reader, communicatrix +, writes (5 September 2005):
 Even the people who make the movies don't live the lives you see in the movies. If you think about it, it makes sense: it takes hundreds of people months and months to create those two perfect hours on the screen; most people don't walk around with their own makeup artists, hair stylists and script doctors to ensure that real life lives up to its movie standard.
The guys in the movies are perfect and kind (or cutely quirky) because that sells tickets. The girls in the movies are sweet and fall madly in love with them (at least, by the end of the movie) because that's what puts butts in the seats.
But it's all fake. In real life, people are sweet and kind...AND cranky and squirrely. Sometimes they fall in love with people who are right for them; sometimes they fall in love with cads and creeps and jerks.
Don't waste one second more trying to impress a girl. You can't keep it up forever and it's dishonest, to boot. Maybe the reason women haven't been responding to your smooth moves is because they sense on some level that you're being inauthentic. Maybe you've gotten so out of touch with reality that you've lost the ability to discern up front whether a girl is interested in you at all.
I don't think a person has to give up watching romantic comedies to have a happy relationship, but I do think a person has to give up his unrealistic expecatations that life will be like the movies. I've never suggested this before, but maybe you'd benefit from counseling if you're so far gone that you can't separate your own, real life from what's on screen.
In the meantime, until you've got it sorted out, I'd suggest limiting your movie watching to a different genre—maybe thrillers or Westerns or action pictures.
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