A
male
age
51-59,
*omewhere86
writes:I am not sure where to start but I do want to document how I feel and explain what has been happening in my relationship. Without going in to too much background detail I want to start with the facts. At the end of March this year my partner walked out without saying where she was going. We had had an argument the day before she left about where we were living and also about our disagreements over her continued contact with ex-boyfriends and her lies, which she acknowledged but would not explain. She took a bag and some clothes but left the rest of her belongings. I was working full time and tried to contact her but without success. After nearly 2 weeks she told me that she had left and would not be coming back to where we live. My partner never liked the place we live as it is really too small. Unfortunately, although I work full time, my wages are not sufficient to buy or rent a bigger place without saving and planning. My girlfriend does not work full time and has the occasional job and follows her creative side which generates a very low income.My job was about to change as I work from contract to contract. The new job was to be something I really wanted to do but that would be stressful and perhaps something of a test to me. She knew about the contract prior to her departure. My partner had previously disappeared on a number of occasions and in years gone by I developed depression which I dealt with by going to counselling. I continued to work through all of this. As for her departure this time, I think I was so scared of falling in to depression again that I determined to face everything and accept everything knowing that I will survive all the upset and still be able to do a good job. After another month of waiting and worrying and 3 or 4 texts from her saying very little, but informing me that she was much happier, I decided to start packing my things in to boxes as my contract required me to work abroad for three and a half months. In the past she has visited and stayed with me when I have worked abroad and she has enjoyed the freedom of being able to have time to explore a new city.I left the UK in the second week of May and started work. She did send a good luck card in the first week. I threw myself in to work and routine and found that I was starting to enjoy myself after feeling fairly low. I was introduced to new people who invited me to various events and also met a woman who I went out with sometimes. She told me that she liked me and wanted more of a relationship with me and asked about my situation and I explained what had just happened and that most of my possessions were now in storage. We didn't sleep together but went out for dinner, for walks or just watched films. She was very kind and affectionate but we did not start a physical relationship because I did not feel I wanted to.After a couple of weeks my partner emailed me to say that she had bought a houseboat. Just that. Nothing more. I wondered how she had financed the purchase as I know she has no savings but I did not ask as I didn't want to let anything get to me while I was working. After 2 months away she started sending texts saying she missed me and wanted to see me. I felt confused by this and didn't want to enter in to a dialogue until I returned. She then informed me that she had managed to find a larger place to live and that she wanted me to move in with her.I returned to the UK and started to prepare for my next contract. It was clear she had moved some of her possessions out. On our first meeting she explained that she had been feeling trapped by our living arrangements and just had to get away to think about things. I took this at face value and listened. She also wanted me to see her houseboat and the flat. I finally asked about the finance and she told me that she had borrowed the money from three guys she knows and that her brother had lent her some. She used to live on a boat when we were first together, about 6 years ago. This was a very stressful time as she used to move the boat, sometimes daily, would not make a plan to see me or not and so I would finish work and then try to call her to see if she wanted to see me and then, if she did, try to find the new location. It was a very exhausting time and she would make it harder by never saying if she wanted to see me or not until the very last minute.The flat she had found, and started moving in to, was in a very difficult area for parking. I have 2 vehicles for work and the flat was in need of total revitalisation, not really bigger than the previous place, with no garden or off street parking. I explained 2 things: 1) that I couldn't carry on a relationship as if nothing had happened. That we needed to talk and be honest about what had gone wrong and what had happened during the time we were apart. 2) that I couldn't see the benefit of me moving in to the flat or the houseboat. She agreed we needed to talk but made no attempt to say anything apart that she had really missed me and that she wanted us to be together. She was pushing for us to start a physical relationship again straight away but I felt something was not right about this. After about a month of waiting for us to find the right time for both to talk she blurted out in the street on a shopping trip, where we were buying presents for family, that she had slept and had sex with someone while she was away. This hit me fairly badly but I managed to control my feelings and started to ask her about it. It turns out that the guy she had sex with was her ex. This being the same guy that we had the biggest row over when we first got together because she was still having sex with him, a year after she told me they had finished their relationship, and when she had started sleeping in the same bed as me. We took things slowly when we first got together, which I felt was bonding at the time, but it turned out that she was sleeping with him. I asked her what it meant to her, that she had had sex with him again, and she said that she knew it was a mistake and that she had not been returning his calls since then and that she really wanted to be with me. For the whole of our relationship she has demanded that she keep contact with any and all of her ex's and that she be able to see them whenever she feels like it without ever saying or mentioning to me. I found this difficult but became more used to it. After more discussions she admitted that she had been involved with another 2 guys, but had not had sex with them. She would not say much more about that apart from one guy visited her on her new houseboat and another was a friend of a girlfriend. She then told me that she had 'got off', her words not mine, with someone in both our circle of acquaintances for over 10 years, at the house-warming party of another friend. The friend who's party it was she has been spending time with, at his flat, sometimes until 4am and then coming back but our relationship and communication has degenerated so much that I hardly bat an eyelid if I ask her where she has been at all. She continues to spend time in the company of the guy she got off with. He even came to chat to me, with another ex of hers, during an event recently which I helped to organise, before I knew anything about them 'getting off' with each other. A couple of years ago I would have been broken by this but I'm stronger now. Her main argument is that she had left me and that as far as she was concerned it was over between us What I understand by this is that, in effect, whatever happened during the period she was away and during the period I was working abroad, 'does not count' because as far as she is concerned, 'we were not together'. I am aware that this theory does not explain the last guy she was with at the party because she had already told me many times that she wanted to be with me again. To add insult to injury she has parking tickets which have gone to court which she has lost and so owes money in fines. She has decided not to pay and to let the bailiffs get involved if necessary because she feels it is unjust. She asked if she could pay by instalments but the council refused. I could pay her fines to stop this hassle but she wouldn't want that. My concern is that it is also a problem for me as we are together and that I can't afford to have that stress on top of everything else.Recently I have been working away in the week. I took the job because I felt it would give us a little space mid week and that maybe we could talk and rebuild our relationship at the weekend. While she says she has no money, apart from a little cash for day to day items, she spent £180 on 2 tickets for a concert she wanted to see. I had said that it was too expensive for me and that I was not so interested. She didn't say anything to me until it came up when were having dinner with friends that she went to the concert and took a very significant ex-boyfriend of hers. I felt childish but I stood up and walked out. I couldn't eat after that. I continued to work away and I apologised to her and our friends for walking out. My contract finished just before Christmas and we were invited to stay with her family until the New Year. I explained that I wanted to spend some time with my family this year. She had not bought any presents or thought about cards and did not have any money to do this so I paid for presents from her to all of her family. Why do I admit this? Because I don't know why I did it. I think it makes me feel a bit better about being in such a broken relationship if I can make someone else happy.Her family know nothing of the way our relationship is. They have always treated me as part of the family and I now feel very much part of it. But this is what I can't understand. I can't leave her.Over the years the stress that I have felt being involved with her has eroded something inside me to the point that I don't feel anything any more. I like work, any work, as it keeps my mind busy and I forget. My own family life is not easy as my Mother is alone and very needy and emotional suffering from bouts of depression for the last 45years or more. My Father has vascular dementia and is just through 7 weeks radio therapy for prostate cancer. My siblings have virtually no contact with our mother so the support falls on myself.I think I may be depressed myself because I don't care about my own happiness at the moment. I want to have a blazing row with my partner and tell her all the things I find totally unacceptable but I know that it will mean that we part if I say the slightest thing. And for some reason I still really care for her and probably that care is love because I can't bear the thought of her not being happy.In some ways I wish her family knew our situation because then I could talk to someone. But I can't say anything and recently, when we visited, she tried to make it seem like everything was fine between us by shows of affection. There are some things that are still good between us. We never have nothing to talk about, we enjoy cooking together and making meals, we laugh at similar things and have interests in common. If you have any thoughts I would be grateful. My apologies for the length of this post.
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Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
female
reader, Orbiter +, writes (2 January 2012):
Well this is only guesswork, you'll have to ask her for the actual reason. But some possibilities are: she wanted to try again and/or just sleep with her ex, but wanted to keep you around in case it didn't work out (which it didn't), so didn't break up with you. It could be that she's not happy in the relationship and is basically looking around for someone else but again keeping you as a backup option. Some women are like this and just can't stand being alone.
Other people use a 'break' (which is maybe what she's trying to make it out to be) as an excuse to cheat and that's all there is to it.
As other readers have mentioned she may just be keeping you around to help her out financially when she needs it.
All of the above points basically mean that although she said she wanted to work on your relationship, it's not really true. She's actually not that bothered and is just saying it to keep you around. Always remember, actions speak louder than words.
A less malicious reason is that really like you, she's not totally happy in this relationship, is confused and trying to find fulfilment with other men. She still has some feelings for you though, so comes back. Even if this is the reason, it's still very selfish and not good for either of you.
I'm sorry if it hurts you to hear this but I'm really not sure what else it could be. If she really loved you, I don't see why living arrangements would be such a problem. If they were surely she could have just moved out, lived with family but stayed faithful.
The fact that she's done this more than once only suggests to me even more that she's not overly bothered by how much pain it causes you. Also a relationship where someone continually disappears every so often is clearly not a happy one. So I stand by my original advice, because in all probability she'll do it again and you sound like you're really struggling with this.
Good luck, I hope things get better for you.
A
male
reader, somewhere86 +, writes (2 January 2012):
somewhere86 is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThank you for the responses. It is very helpful to be able to read independent views. I wanted to update with my thoughts. I think I'm getting hung up on the fact that my partner walked out without saying a word and, crucially, wihout saying that our relationship was over. As she has disappeared before my stance was to try to take a balanced view and give her space and also try to make contact. When she said that she did not want to return to our present living situation she gave the immpression to me that she still wanted the relationthip - but that could be wishful thinking on my part. I also have a couple of emails from her saying that she wanted us to talk and wanted our relationship to work. I even got a message from a relative of hers saying that she wanted to be with me and missed me, suggesting that she was confiding in her family. What I find conflicting is that it is after this point when she started sleeping with her ex again and getting slightly involved with other guys. I can understand why my first posting makes it look as if we were on a break but I wanted to explain that it was more subtle than that. Why was she telling me she wanted our relationship to work and wanted to work things out if she was sleeping with her ex? And why did she have a fling with someone after I came back and we had started to talk and try to move on? These are the thoughts inside my head at the moment and I'm having difficulty sorting them out. If anyone has any suggestions I would be grateful.
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A
male
reader, eddie85  +, writes (31 December 2011):
 It definitely sounds like you have a history together.
After reading your post, I can only conclude that your woman has a bit of growing up to do. Her leaving your apartment and not telling you anything indicates to me that you both really don't have the tools to work out your differences.
The fact also that she is seeing her ex's behind your back has me concerned. It sounds like you are Mr Convenient and her fallback guy. Her level of commitment to you as well seems dubious at best. When things don't work out, she goes running off to one of her other suitors and seeks consolation from one of them. The fact that she slept with one of them indicates she still has feelings for him (I wouldn't call it cheating, since it seems like you were on a break and you went out on dates too)
At some point, you are going to have to make up your mind whether you two are meant to be. I know it may be difficult, but I am not seeing a strong connection here and the fact she still communicates to her ex's and knows the pain it is causing you, strikes me as alarming.
I think you have to ask yourself if you deserve better? Is this woman honorable? Can you trust her next time you have a major argument to not go running off? Can you trust her period? Is this the woman of your dreams? Can you provide for her in the lifestyle that she wants?
These are important questions that you should be able to answer at this stage of the relationship. If the answers are more negative or conditional, I think the answer would be fairly simple (although breaking up is never easy).
Good luck and I hope you have an honest discussion with yourself about your future.
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A
female
reader, Orbiter +, writes (31 December 2011):
Yeah I think you are already depressed and not really facing up to the real issues or feelings you have and are just burying your head in the sand. Feeling withdrawn and emotionless is a common symptom. Keep in mind it will all come out sooner or later.
My main advice to you is to leave. You aren't happy, I have no idea why you even got back with her in the first place. In truth she doesn't sound reliable and probably sees you as some sort of safety net for when she starts to feel lonely again. What she did isn't normal at all and you at least deserve an explanation. If she would leave you over that, you have to question her feelings for you.
It's not a healthy relationship, the best thing you can do is leave and at the very least have a break to see what it is you want to do. Get a place of your own, concentrate on work, spend time with friends and try to get over the hurt and betrayal of trust. If you feel you need it, go for counselling.
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A
female
reader, amenthyst3356 +, writes (31 December 2011):
You are depressed because she is playing with your emotions. You need to stop seeing her and take a long contract somewhere else and then date someone else. You two are done, all she wants you for is money.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (31 December 2011): Run!
I read the opening paragraphs, then skipped to the middle, then skipped to the end. I didn't need to read the whole thing to see you're in a bad way.
Your ex vacates, borrows ridiculous sums of money from ex-penises and her own blood, then communicates you?
Run! That is bonkers.
Don't get angry about the break-up. Be thankful you're not on the hook. Plenty of more fish in the sea.
Go out there and meet a good person! Yee-haww.
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