A
female
age
51-59,
anonymous
writes:I would like your opinions please as to whether you think my friend's husband has "crossed the line" with me? I have been close friends with them both for over 20 years. There has always been a bit of a spark between us and even my friend has joked in the past saying that he finds me attractive. I have been spending quite a bit of time with them both recently as I have moved closer to them after many years living away. We all go out together about once a week. I am a single woman and when we go out sometimes I will attract attention from other men and my friend's husband is always very protective of me. For example he will put his arm around me or find excuses to "rescue me" if I look as though I am feeling uncomfortable. I consider this to be nothing more than a chivalrous friend looking out for me. However, recently I have noticed that when he has had a few drinks he will find reasons to touch me, this might be a hug, a stroking of my arm or tummy and on one occasion he kissed my neck. This seems to happen when my friend is not around. We also message each other on Facebook, just sending silly gifts to one another. Do you think there is any reason for me to worry that maybe he has feelings for me that are greater than that of just friendship or am I blowing friendliness out of proportion?
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (3 March 2010): He's obviously being way too grabby with you. Stroking your tummy and kissing your neck?? That's way overboard. He's married to your FRIEND for crying out loud, he shouldn't be stroking ANY woman's tummy and especially not KISSING them on the neck. That's boyfriend behavior and he is certainly not your boyfriend. Sounds like he's testing the waters to see if you're up for an affair. Remember your friend and be a good friend to her. He's a wolf in sheep's clothing and definitely not worth ruining your friendship over. Let him ruin his marriage with some other (sluttier) chick and then hopefully your friend will wake up and leave him. I don't know if you should mention this to your friend (go with your instincts there) but always take her feelings into consideration (as well as your own) whenever he tries to get a little to cozy or 'protective' with you.
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (2 March 2010): I think the more appropriate question is whether You have crossed any boundaries: and the answer is YES. This 'game' you are playing will backfire. LEAVE your friends husband alone. He is merely taking what you are offering.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (2 March 2010): I agree with the other comment about "this happens when my friend (his wife) is not around" being a warning sign. He shouldn't be acting much different towards another woman, even a friend, just because his wife is not around.
If his wife is there to see it, then don't worry too much about what's appropriate. (Unless he really steps over boundaries that are your own, and it would be weird even if he was a single friend.)
If you feel uncomfortable about what goes on behind the wife's back, then say something. It may not have to be a big uncomfortable scene. If he has no intention to betray his wife then he would hopefully take the hint with a minor comment about it. You might get the point across with just a giggle and saying, "whoa there boy, save that for (his wife)!" then next time he does something too flirty.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (2 March 2010): HI Madam
good situaution, no doubts he has sexual interests in you, which wil probably demise after you hav sexual intercourse with him in future, and other than that this relation is not goin to take you anywhere, rather wil spoil ur best friends trust in you,.
so stop it if you care n continue if you don care what happens :-)
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (1 March 2010): You need to stop leading him on, for your friends sake. The facebook messages - you're choosing to respond to his silly games. If he can't act like an adult, then you will have to - unless you want to lose BOTH of them.
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A
male
reader, C. Grant  +, writes (1 March 2010):
 I think you're an insightful woman whose instincts have been sending a warning. The telling comment is, "This seems to happen when my friend is not around." So yes, he probably does indeed have feelings that go beyond friendship.
On the other hand, it doesn't sound like he's going to press the issue. As long as you don't lead him on, and as long as you don't allow yourself to be in situations with him where something inappropriate could happen (i.e. alone together in private), most likely he'll keep it to himself. If he's a decent guy, all he'll need is one stern rebuke from you if there's ever an occasion you're sure he's crossed the line.
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A
female
reader, Unknown0311  +, writes (1 March 2010):
Sounds like you both might be crossing the line a little. Like you said, there is a bit of a spark there, but this is your friend's husband. It is up to both of you to set boundaries and not cross them. It's crazy to think that once we get married we will never be attracted to another person again. So you two are attracted, but you might be sending mixed signals by all the facebooking, or your "openness" with his attention. If he's more physical when his wife isn't around this shouldn't be comfortable for you and you should very nicely step back, push him away, or in a light upbeat way maybe make a joke about the touch if you don't want to offend him but still let him know he needs to back off. But if you aren't doing these things then maybe you both are a little in the wrong. Good luck!
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A
male
reader, spinnaker +, writes (1 March 2010):
 The main question you should ask is if you feel comfortable with this behavior. On the surface it sounds very suspicious. When alcohol is a factor more protective barriers are lowered (it tends to do that to even the most dedicated people).
It is great that you have a strong friendship with your best friend's husband, I am a firm believer that people of the opposite sex can indeed be friends. But you must also be mindful that unknown to either of you, things can happen. It is just as much your responsibility as it is his to maintain fidelity with each other, personally, and with your respective significant others.
You are starting to realize now that this man is beginning to tease the dragon of infidelity. By doing nothing you indirectly encourage the behavior. It would be a good time to re-establish the boundaries that should be between you and in a way that is not embarrassing to him or you personally.
Feelings are like weeds...they tend to grow in the oddest places, in the smallest cracks and before you know it you have a big headache on your hands.
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A
female
reader, boo22 +, writes (1 March 2010):
 I think you're both as bad as each other. He's crossing the line and so are you.
" we message each other on facebook and send each other silly gifts " You know he fancies you and you're both playing little flirtatious games with each other behind his wife's back.
When have you told him to stop what he's doing? Take some responsibility for your part in all this. You're leading him on and enjoying the attention on some level.
You're sending him the message that this is all ok. If you carry on playing this game you'll end up losing both of them cos if she finds out, you'll be dropped like a hot brick.
Your actions are very undignified. Please raise your game and flirt with a guy who's unattached.
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A
female
reader, followtheblackrabbit  +, writes (1 March 2010):
 I don't think you're blowing this out of proportion, his touching you on your tummy, and kissing your neck are not really "friendly" behavior. He may not really be attempting to "show" his feelings since you mentioned this happens when he's had a few drinks and people usually feel bolder when drinking, but internally, it's there.
In my opinion he does feel something beyond friendhsip for you and you have to be very careful as to how to handle the situation. You don't want to hurt your friend by telling her any of your suspicions.
It sounds like you and this man have an emotional attachment and this can be dangerous. Limit your contact with him, and when hanging out, make sure his wife is always included. If this behavior from him persists, talk to him about it. I.e "You're a great friend, but I think we're getting too 'chummy' and I'm not really comfortable with that." Since he hasn't made a completely overt show of his feelings, you can still save the friendship.
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