A
female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:Hi AuntsI just wondered if anybody had ever been in an emotionally abusive relationship and managed to come out the other side with minimal external support.After being in a relationship for many years and constantly going back and forth (breaking up/making up), I have finally come to the realisation that I have been emotionally abused for years -manipulated, lied to, controlled and played like a fiddle!The latest stint being no different to the other times, however this time I got myself worked up into a state and ended up searching online for answers before coming across the 'abuse cycle' and suddenly everything clicked into place.My abuser would say things like;'I can't believe the life I left behind for you, you slut, you absolute gobshite, you struck gold when you met me because you'de still be living in a shit whole with a bunch of kids if you hadn't met me you rat'. Then the blame games starts 'you started all this by flinching when I came near you', you wanted this - not me'. Then comes the playing it down, the laughter, the 'i'm naughty aren't I having too much whisky, it just doesn't agree with me'.Then after the honeymoon phase comes the 'it was an argument that's all, you gave me a bit so I gave a bit back, that's not abuse'.So after finally coming to this realisation i've kicked his sorry a** to the curb. The problem I have is that i've left him so many times before, how do I find willpower to keep him away? How do I move on from this?I just want to clarify, I don't love him, I have never been able to depend on him yet i've never been able to get away from him. He's not fancy-able in any way and he drinks too much. This should be a synch but I don't trust myself to stay strong when he comes knocking this time.Many thanks to you all x
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female
reader, CarrieSoa +, writes (17 December 2019):
 Hi there. I came from an emotionally and mentally abusive relationship. Unfortunately, I wasn't the only victim. My daughter suffered the worst. The first 11 years were amazing then I moved in with him and everything changed. He gas lighted me so much that I ended up having a mental breakdown and 2 major surgeries. My daughter self harmed and tried to take her own life because I was too much of a coward to leave.
One day I woke up and left with my daughter with just the clothes on our backs. What stopped me going back was watching my daughter recover from the harm I put her in. We attended CAHMS for a year (Child, Adolescent mental health) and finally she has recovered. We are closer than ever and I don't ever look back.
You need to remember how he made you feel. Write it down and read it everyday. You do need to to go to counselling to help with the underlining problems that this will cause you in the future. To help you not fall for someone like that again. Good luck.
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (17 December 2019): I've just split with my boyfriend of 3 years who was exactly like this he's still texting me abuse two months after breaking up but I am trying to stay strong every day you ignore him you get stronger and he gets weaker. So keep that in mind and set yourself free from the abuse.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (16 December 2019): If you can't do it for you, then as a child that grew up in this type of environment and lived it over again and again, do it for your children. You have choice they don't.
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A
female
reader, Youcannotbeserious +, writes (16 December 2019):
 It is always more difficult to forget how someone made you feel than it is what they did or said. When you feel yourself weakening, remember how he made you FEEL. That should help your resolve.
Stay strong. You can do this. You deserve so much better.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (16 December 2019): The abuse cycle is very difficult to break. I think that you need to look at how this relationship has impacted on your self esteem. If someone keeps knocking you down, you'll go back to them because they've convinced you you're not worth any more than that. Perhaps if you read about emotional abuse and the techniques manipulators and abusers use, it might help you identify when those things are happening. I don't know if that will make it easier to resist but it might?
I also think sharing your experience with people you trust and building up a good support system will help you. If you don't have many friends, maybe now is the time to take up some hobbies and meet people. The more good relationships you have in your life, the less likely you are to settle for a bad one.
I fully agree that if you can find counselling you should. I see you're in the UK. Could you try contacting Relate or Women's aid to access counselling?
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (16 December 2019): Leaving someone can leave a gaping hole in our lives unless you have people around you offering you company and friendship.
Sometimes the only way to make sure that the parting is clean is to simply develop a lack of interest.
That means not being caught up in a world of 'what if's' not being susceptible to a poster load of promises.
Living each day is often the best we can do.
You alone control your destiny so it's best to be clear if there is anything worse than your ex that you are avoiding coming to terms with.
Your best defence is disinterest and a lack of unfinished business and possibly a new start in a new place.
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A
female
reader, mystiquek  +, writes (16 December 2019):
 Yes I have. I have sadly been married to a physically abusive man, and the second was an alcoholic and emotionally abusive.
If you can, seek out counselling. It can help you immensely. I couldn't afford it when it was happening to me but I knew that I did not deserve to be treated the way I was in either marriage and I walked away. I wasn't strong when I was younger but trust me, you know when you need to leave. You have made that decision. Good for you! You just need to stay strong. Tell yourself that you deserve to be treated well and no one should make you feel bad about yourself or talk down to you! If you start weakening just remind yourself that this man is abusive, he isn't good for you and that you do not walk him in your life. Think of the things he has said and done to you.
I wish you all the best. Seek out family/friends that will support you. Again, if you can seek counselling please check into it.
I have been where you are. I still loved my husband when I divorced him even though he had hurt me both physically and emotionally. I knew he was not good for me though and that I HAD to get away from him. I hope you will want better for yourself as well.
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