A
female
age
41-50,
*oveSunshine
writes:My heart has been completely wrecked by my ex. We were friends for over one year before we got together. He was married for most of that time and then discovered that his wife had been having an affair. I was there for him, as a friend, when this all happened, but then he turned his affections to me. Initially, we both discussed that it was too soon for him to be getting involved with someone, and that this whole thing smacked of rebound. However, he and I had so much in common and had so much fun together, that, eventually, we could no longer fight our attraction. We got together about three months after he and his wife separated, and they were officially divorced shortly thereafter. Everything was wonderful with us. We shared our deepest hopes and dreams, had amazing adventures, and cheered each other on in life. He was still broken over the betrayal and divorce, but shared his feelings openly, and, I thought, eventually he would work through them. I checked in with him many times over the course of 10 months as to whether he still wanted to be in an exclusive relationship with me. Each time, he insisted that he did.Then, he started meeting up with a cycling group in preparation for an upcoming long ride. He became very enthusiastic about riding with the group, and, shortly before his week-long ride, I discovered that they were all women. Simultaneously, he was offered a job in a different city, which he was considering.I was in knots during his ride, about everything. When he came back, he was acting strangely, and, finally we had a long talk and he broke up with me, saying he felt like he had long since lost a connection with me once he had started to recover his life. Shortly after leaving me and accepting the job, he was calling and texting me, needing my emotional support, and I had a hard time resisting because we had been friends for so long. He also let me know that he was dating some plain, mousey, uninteresting girl from his cycling group. He has just left for his new job and I feel gutted, like he used me and then tossed me out like a piece of garbage. How can I get over the rejection and shock of all of this and move on?I have a few dates lined up, just to try to "Get back on the horse" but I am not looking forward to them as I am too heartbroken. Has anyone else survived being a rebound?
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female
reader, LoveSunshine +, writes (30 July 2012):
LoveSunshine is verified as being by the original poster of the questionOP here. AuntyEm is right, in that I did allow myself to be pulled in deeper than I should have been in the first place. I think that the tough part is making sense of being rejected, after so many months of bliss, of feeling like I was very special to him. He still says that I was more than a rebound, even though it started that way, and that he needs to find himself and to face his own issues. At this point, he's not doing anything wrong, but what he did do wrong was to lie to himself about wanting to be with me, when, in fact, he did not know what he wanted.I take comfort in the fact that I was good to him, no matter the outcome, and that I'm a really awesome partner--for the right person. I think that, maybe, several months or years down the line, he will regret losing me, even though it's the right thing at the time. I know that I will move on and that things get better with time. Cerberus, I think you're jumping the gun a little bit about the dating. My intention was not to enter into a relationship or to lie to someone in order to boost my own bruised ego. Sometimes it's good just to go out to enjoy a fun conversation, a drink or a meal with someone, and to allow yourself to flirt in order to realize that there is life after the relationship ends. Yes, a relationship can blossom from something like that, but I don't just jump into relationships. Even with this last guy, it took two months after realizing that we were attracted to each other to even hold hands. I think it's pretty safe to say I'm not going to go rushing into the arms of another guy to make myself feel better, and every person I do date will be fully aware that I don't want to rush things.As agneeman says, the only way to get out of this mess is to get through it. I am taking one day at a time. Luckily, he's no longer in my city, and he'll be busy settling in and occupying himself with the new job, so I'm sure that contact will be minimal, and that will help me to heal.
A
female
reader, agneeman  +, writes (29 July 2012):
 I am so sorry sweet heart. This must be very painful for you. If you are not ready, don't date... Just take some time for you now.
You deserved better, but now, the only way out is through...
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A
female
reader, AuntyEm  +, writes (29 July 2012):
 It's always a dangerous time to enter into any sort of relationship with anyone whilst they are going through a life changing event or trauma.
It's fine to be a friend and offer some support but it's so easy to imagine that support can be exchanged for love and affection.
Any person going through trauma isn't really thinking clearly, they are more likely to use up every scrap of support to get them through and suddenly when the clouds clear and they feel better they can all to easily forget and leave behind anything or anyone who was significant in the turbulent period.
I think this is what has happened to you.
You have gotten too close, in too deep and given a little too much and you have become a casualty of his recovery.
I am pretty sure he has not meant to hurt you or to use you, but in his transition from married to single, that is exactly what has happened...and it's painful.
It really is a gamble to date anyone going through divorce or separation as they can be on an unnatural high and say things that sadly have no chance of permanency.
He is dating and working a new job, spreading his wings and moving on with his life. The fact he describes the woman he is dating in such derogatory terms suggest to me he is just playing the field and waiting for the next best thing.
He knows if he hits a downer, he can call on you for emotional support but isn't able to offer you the same, so it's up to you to choose if you are going to cut off his air at the risk of your own.
The events have left you feeling sad and frustrated and unappreciated, I am sure. You have every right to feel this way and now is the time for recovering yourself and giving yourself time and space.
Adopt the no contact rule, cut the lines of communication and leave him wondering for a while. This will give you room to breathe again and deal with your emotions and feelings.
It probably is a little too soon to start dating and if you think about it, you could end up treating someone you date casually like your ex has treated you...because you are going through trauma and heartbreak yourself and will be unable to commit fully to someone else until matters within you are resolved.
It's cliche, but time with family and friends, pampering, taking good care of yourself and allowing a few months or more to pass by, is the way to go and after a while you will be able to see things for how they were and move on with your life to a happier future.
Good luck xx
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (29 July 2012): OP first things first why are you proposing to do the exact same thing to other guys just to "get back on the horse"?
Don't sit here and give some crap like you'll be different because you're not going to hurt them etc. but if you're still "too heartbroken" then you will do the same thing.
"Surviving" a rebound is a bit melodramatic if you ask me but yes I've been there and you know what? Those girls were using me to "get back on the horse" so I have absolutely no respect for what you propose. Don't use other people to get over another OP, that's a rebound and people who try are ignorant asses.
Now I do have to admit that it was all my fault that I caught out by rebound girls because I should have known that they weren't ready and it's never a good idea to get into a relationship when they haven't gotten over their last.
How do you get over it? Well you get over it like you do any break up but specifically to a rebound you have to alos learn the right lessons. First off never get involved with a man who is in or is just out of a relationship, nor a man who is still quite clearly affected by his ex. The second most vital thing is you heal on your own and you don't use other people for that purpose. OP even if your intention is not to do that until you've gotten over your heartache getting with another guy just to make yourself feel better is exactly what he has done to you. If you do, then you have no right to complain as you're just as bad.
Take your time, understand that you made a mistake here too, learn your lessons and heal. You'll be fine, rebounds suck ass but they're partly our faults for not being smarter about things.
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