A
male
age
51-59,
anonymous
writes:I was a little bit of a late bloomer but in college I finally met a really amazing girl who became my first serious girlfriend and by that I mean that she was all my firsts: first kiss, first love, first sexual encounter. She had been with one other guy before me but she said that was not really serious even though they did sleep together. We were serious enough that I met her family and we were considering a life together until she and I got accepted to grad schools 300 miles apart. We tried to keep the relationship going but it was just too difficult. We were friends for a while until I met another girl and while it was platonic at first eventually that other girl got in the way (jealousy) and the relationship withered.Anyway, as people do these days I decided to look her up and I was totally surprised to find out that she identifies as an out-of-the-closet lesbian. I knew her very well and that image doesn't really agree with what I knew of her. Even now she is a "lipstick lesbian", dresses very feminine, and defies a lot of stereotypes.People change, especially after 20+ years, but something about this bothers me. I feel like somehow I did her wrong or that I was just so oblivious I didn't recognize the person she really was. I have so many questions I'd like to ask her, but I realized it is none of my business at this point. I think it is a bit of a blow to my male ego to realize that my first true love, the woman I wanted to spend my life with, is a lesbian. Has anyone else dealt with something like this? It seems to be relatively common for people to date, marry, and even have kids with someone of the opposite sex before identifying as not heterosexual, but it has me questioning my ability to evaluate potential partners and, yes, if I had some role in any of this.
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male
reader, anonymous, writes (28 January 2017): hmmm you say after 20 years .... that is quite a long isn't it .. plus like people say its what we are born with
A
female
reader, chigirl  +, writes (26 January 2017):
 How would you have had a role in this... Sexuality is something you are born with. You don't become a lesbian because of a bad relationship with a man. But more likely, she was always more interested in women than men, and you were the odd occasion where she considered life with a man.
Nothing is ever 100% black or white. Maybe she is 99% lesbian, and that is by far lesbian enough to coin yourself as a lesbian and put that label on your head when facing the outside world. But then you were that 1% guy who she could be with.
I always found sexuality so much easier to grasp when speaking in percentages, because none of us are 100% in any direction. Especially me, as a bisexual, feel it's impossible to put things in boxes all neately and nicely, because it just doesn't work like that. Im not 50-50 into both genders. I'm more 60-40. Or maybe even 70-30. Enough for me to consider a relationship with a woman, and definitely enough for me to be sexually attracted to a woman, yet I have only had relationships with men. And Im perfectly happy with that.
When you fall in love with someone, you don't care what label you have on yourself. You just fall in love, and that's all there is to it. So maybe she's a lesbian, who once fell in love with a man. It happens. We're humans, not computer programs.
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A
female
reader, Youcannotbeserious  +, writes (26 January 2017):
 There is no way you can "turn someone lesbian" so you really need to stop thinking it was something you did, or failed to do, which made her change sexuality. I have a lesbian friend who had a boyfriend when she was in college and even got engaged to him before realizing - in her words - she could never invest in him emotionally like she could in females. He was heartbroken when she broke off the engagement and, like you, questioned what he had done/not done to make her turn to women. And the answer was, of course, "it has nothing to do with you - it is me". I know people often say that when they split up, but in these cases, it really is true.When you two were together, your ex girlfriend was probably just "finding her feet" where her sexuality was concerned. It is possible she is bi-sexual and just happens to be with a female partner at the moment, but actually has a capacity to hook up with either sex. Truly bi-sexual people disregard the sex of potential partners all together and just go for "the person". She has obviously met a woman she has fallen for. Perhaps, up to that point, she only met men she fell for - including you. In your shoes, I would see this as being special enough for her to fall for, rather than having done something wrong.
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A
female
reader, CindyCares  +, writes (26 January 2017):
 Oh yes. Well, sort of, since it was not a very meaningful relationship for either of us, as instead it was for you and this girl.In part because of this, and in part because , being the egomaniac I am, I almost never think that I did something wrong or handled things the wrong way ( hey, not that I am bragging; I know this is a flaw ! ), it simply never crossed my mind that I had anything to do with this guy's final sexual orientation, or that I might have said or done anything to turn him off women. Never... till your post, OP, LOL ! Maybe I should ask myself some questions ? :)...
Anyway:
I had just turned 16 and started dating an " older " man. ( He was 20 ). It only lasted about 4 months, but the funny thing is that the main reason why it did not last more, was precisely because I felt he was too sexual. I.E : at 16 I DID want a boyfriend, but... possibly a bodyless, penisless boyfriend. I did not want to have intercourse, nor oral sex yet. And, although I was resigned to making out and some small degree of physical stuff- ideally to me it should have been everything about holdings hands and soft butterfly kisses, with as least as possible of yucky stuff like tongues , and nipples, and erections, eeeww !- In about a year I was going to totally change my tune :)... but one year makes a big difference at that stage in life, so that's how I felt then. I must say that although
" old ", he really was a good, respectful kid ; he did not try to force me, or pressure me verbally, to stretch the limits of what I was willing to allow. But, even working within MY limits,... he was kind of making me uncomfortable. He was too all over me, he kissed me too passionately, he looked at me in a " hungry ", " greedy " way... In short , he was simply a healthy 20 y.o. boy, and, in hindsight, a good sport for making do with ..not much, in terms of intimacy. Yet, I was too young and had a big problem with feeling wanted physically- I could see he desired me, and this freaked me out.
Well, we part ways amicably, and we lose sight of each other. Having some common acquaintances, very occasionally I heard him mentioned , like, " So-and-so graduated ", but nothing more for years .
Fast forward 10 or 12 years . I am engaged , and my fiancee' moves to a new address. One day I notice from the doorbells at the entrance that in the building there's a " So-and -so " , like my bf of yore. It's a very unusual name in my area ,so I mention to my fiance' that maybe I know the 3th floor guy, maybe he is a guy I went out with many years ago. ( Not to fend off a possible retrograde jealousy, btw. My fiance' then husband never suffered from that. I was just surprised by the weird coincidence ). My fiance' says : " No way . He is as queer as a 3 dollars bill ! He wears mascara ! "... and in fact it all turns into one of those surreal discussions with me accusing him of being closeminded and provincial ... " Mick Jagger wears mascara and he is not gay ".... " Mick Jagger IS gay ! " etc.etc.
Well,long story short, the mistery neighbour turns out to actually be my ex ( if the term " ex " even applies to the " relationships " one has at 16 ) and turns out actually to be gay .
I was a bit surprised, since I only had seen him under a very hetero light, but never thought I failed him or he failed me or nobody failed anybody. He was a sensual young man, and at 20 he had not found his sexual " sea legs " yet. I don't think anybody is all hetero or all homo, out orientation stretches on a continuum, if you are right un the middle you are bisexual, more often you lean more toward either end, but that can change, while you evolve , grow, mature and make your choices, also under the influence of what happens to you in life and the special people you meet... but that can't be a negative, it's just the natural unfolding of a life.
I suppose this guy who at 20 liked girls at some point in life realized that he ALSO liked boys , in fact he liked them better. What's wrong with that, and why should it be an ex partner's "fault ".
As for " I should have known better " or " I should have guessed , and if I did not, it means U din't know how to choose ": Pfui.
See, in a way , in the case of my ex-then-neighbour,.. it's easy to say that " I missed the signs "- because , in the eyes of many,.. there were signs. For instance , he was studying Fashion Design when we met. He was very elegant, very well groomed, very stilysh. He did not practice any sport, but he played piano very well. He liked antiques . And cats. In a way , he was " feminine " , or so many people would judge his tastes.
BUT : that's simply the kind of men I am attracted to, and how, more or less, all the men in my life have been.
I don't like men who stink and sweat and swear, I don't care if they can play rugby or can lift 200 pounds or they can drink their buddies under the table or they can knock somebody down with a punch. These are accomplishment which do not interest me ( and note I do not put down who instead find them interesting. It's just not my thing ).
So, for instance, the other guy I mentioned , my fiance'-then-husband, was and is successfull in a very masculine , competitive field of work ; never used mascara :) ; was and is fiercely hetero ... and yet: he too is very neat, very well groomed , very elegant. He is soft spoken and well mannered. He likes cats and antiques.
People have likes and dislikes- passions, leanings, preferences,- and I don't think you can guess or predict their sexual choices based just on that.
You wonder if you should have seen the signs , well what are the signs of a future lesbian? If she does not wear make up or high heels ? There are tons of happy wives and mothers with no make up and wearing sneakers ! If she is good at sports ? If she has a deep voice ? ... What is it that makes a lesbian a lesbian , or a gay man a gay man.... other than their sexual preferences and sexual conduct ?...
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A
female
reader, Aunty BimBim  +, writes (26 January 2017):
 I doubt very much you had anything to do with your first girlfriend coming out as a lesbian. I've got family members who started out in heterosexual relationships, only to find that wasn't who they were ... one even married, the big white dress and 3 bridesmaids, the lot! She is now in a same sex relationship and they have a couple of kids. Another niece never got married, but certainly dated and even lived with a male before she decided to settle down with another girl, they two have beautiful babies.
Be glad for her that the times have changed enough that she, like many others, can now be true to herself. Her lifestyle, and choices are not yours to claim or take "blame" for, they are hers and hers alone.
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A
female
reader, mystiquek +, writes (26 January 2017):
 This happened with my first serious boyfriend. We started dating when we were both 17. I was very innocent and naive. He would sometimes tell me that men would come up to him and try to proposition him. We both just laughed about it and I never thought anything more about it. This was back in the early 80's so people being gay and AIDS was JUST starting to be known and talked about.
My mother kept warning me that something was "off" about him. He was sweet and sensitive and as a young guy, very sexual. We dated, broke up and both moved on. I ran into him 2 years later and we went out...and he confessed to me that he had been involved in numerous sexual encounters with men! I was really shocked..I had never seen it coming. Years after that I found out he had been married 3 times, and had 4 children...so I guess the whole time he was bisexual??? It always bothered me but I think he really was just confused. I'm not sure if he ever figured out who he was. I know he was very confused though because 3 years ago he killed himself. I don't think he ever truly sorted out who he was and what he wanted.
You didn't do anything or influence her...she just wasn't sure who she was. I dated the guy for over a year and we were so close but I truly never knew that he was interested in men...I really was shocked when he told me.
Let it go and don't give it another thought. Sometimes it takes people YEARS to accept who they really are. Meredith Baxter Birney (actress) didn't come out until she was in her 60's and she had been married numerous times with children. My own former mother in law had been married twice, 6 kids and one day her husband came home and found her in the bedroom with another woman...shocked the entire family! She got divorced and live with her female partner for years...never dated a man again...you just never know!
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A
female
reader, Honeypie +, writes (26 January 2017):
 I agree with YouWish
You didn't "make" her a lesbian. She might not even have been entirely sure about her sexuality when she dated you. Maybe she dated you because you were a good guy and she wanted "normalcy". You know? white picket fence, 1.5 kids, a husband, and career. What was the social NORM back then.
While I know people like to use stereotypes they really aren't something any of us should use SERIOUSLY to judge things such as their potential sexual orientation. And you certainly can't guess someone's sexual orientation by their clothes.
She might not have been READY to follow her heart back then. She might not have WANTED to either.
I don't really think everyone is 100% this or that. Not when it comes to sexuality.
But whether she was bisexual back then or hiding her "true" feelings, it really has NOTHING to do with you. Your "male ego" is not any worse or any better for it. Doesn't mean she didn't care for you or that she "deceived" you back them. She just didn't know or just didn't WANT to know.
How many young people do you think hears an adult say: maybe it's a phase"? Or "maybe you should just experiment"?
IT is what it is.
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A
female
reader, YouWish +, writes (26 January 2017):
 My first love of my life, my high school sweetheart, the one I went to prom with and was best friends with came out as gay. No one would have ever known, and he gave zero indication of anything resembling a stereotype. Hell, I thought I had hit the jackpot because he was incredibly romantic. He was one grade ahead of me, and he had received a full-ride scholarship to go to California. I was crushed, and he was upset that he would have to leave me to go, as we were both very much in love.
Unlike your choice to try an LDR, it was my idea to make a clean break so that when he went away, he didn't have to feel like he was tied down to his hometown, and if it was meant to be, we'd find each other when it was all over. We both cried the day he left, and it was the hardest thing I ever did. This was before the internet, so keeping in touch took far more effort.
A year and a half later, I left to go to college in another state myself. We both went our separate ways. I saw him a year later when he had come home on a visit and I had come back into town to be the maid of honor at a friend's wedding. We went out, and it was nonstop talking. It was so wonderful to see him. We had a friendship and real love for each other, but we both knew that high school was over.
Anyways, long story short, I went back home and met the guy who turned out to be my husband. We married. 15 years later, I saw on social media that he came out as gay. All I felt was horrible that he had to hide that from the world, as back then, it wasn't as socially acceptable in the early 90's in a primarily conservative state to declare yourself to be a homosexual.
I told my husband about it, and asked him if I could send an email to my ex. He was fine with it, and we exchanged a couple of emails, mostly my congratulating him for being his true self and wishing the times back then were different and he could have confided in me. He responded that he hadn't 100% come to that conclusion back then, though he had a feeling about it, and that he really did love me. His thoughts were that if we had stayed together and gotten married, he would have eventually hurt me because of his attraction to men.
It was a good, and short exchange. That was about 10 years ago. We are not social media friends, but that's more out of respect for my husband. I don't keep exes on social media.
Her being a lesbian has nothing to do with you. She probably really did care for you. Usually love is about the person first and foremost, and sexuality is rarely a binary issue, especially when we're younger and the world is new. I also see your age and know that she most likely went through the same pressure as my ex did to stay in the closet.
Either way, you were a chapter in her history. You both turned the page. It shaped who you are. I loved my ex, but I'm very happy now. His being gay makes me happy because he is happy.
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