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female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes: Has anyone ever had a relationship where they have told their partner at the beginning they don't want porn in the relationship and their partner has accepted but done it anyway? I am worried this is going happen to me, I don't want to give myself to someone who is perving on others. Are the chances of this happening high?
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female
reader, chigirl  +, writes (26 February 2013):
 I don't think there's a problem in asking for a porn-free relationship. That comes down to a personal choice.
However, it is absolutely ridiculous to not "permit" your parter speaking to other humans, if you happened to find them attractive. In what world does that make sense anyway, if you're the one who finds them attractive then you're the one who shouldn't speak to them, in your logic. Who you find attractive isn't going to be the same your man will find attractive.
Speaking to someone isn't about lusting after them either... Flirting with someone should be out of the question, but then again it shouldn't matter how attractive or not the other person is, there's a line that shouldn't be crossed no matter who you cross it with!
Focus on your core issue at hand. And don't let insecurity control you or any future relationship. A person in a relationship is allowed to speak to whomever they want, and there are no legitimate reasons to deny their right to speak to other humans. If you can not allow a boyfriend of yours to speak to whomever he wants, then you can not be in a relationship. Simple as that. Saying he's not allowed to talk to this or that person serves no purpose, and is completely irrational.
A
female
reader, CindyCares  +, writes (26 February 2013):
 Hard to say. I think that the chances are the same with anybody making any kind of promise, why porn should be a separate issue ?
Have you ever dated a smoker who promised you that from that day on he was quitting cold turkey , only to found him sneaking a pull on the balcony ?
Have you ever promised anybody, or yourself , as for that, that you were going to eat healthy and that from day no no donut would have ever touched your lips, and then one day finding yourself mysteriously having breakfast at Donkin Donuts ?
Have you ever heard of any couple promising solemnly to be together in sickness and in health, for rich or for poor, etc... and after a few years known that they were filing for divorce.
People,all kind of people,not necessarily just evil, amoral liars, may say things which then do not follow through , betray expectations, make promises they do not mantain. Because they are weak in front of temptation . Because they yielded to your pressure but they weren't convinced about promising in the first place .
Because they change their mind . Because they don't think is such a big issue as you make it . Because the Devil made them do it ! Dozens of reasons.
So yes, I think you can't exclude that a man who will promise you to never watch porn will break his promise. This about porn, or another one. Of course it depends from so many things, how loyal and determined he is, how seriously he takes his word and the issue at end, how convinced he is of the nocivity of what you don't want him to do , etc.etc. But, yeah, I think that , if you want absolute security, you can't have it.
The alternative, though, is rather drastic , i.e. to stay single, and away from men, for the rest of your life, for fear that some day they may indulge their curiosity and go " perving " on other women.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (26 February 2013): Cerberus I am only bothered about porn the other things you mentioned can be dismissed and would go over my head apart from talking about other attractive people whilst I'm present. So basically I am only bothered about porn, that's it.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (26 February 2013): *just not date.
Wow, I need another cup of coffee.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (26 February 2013): "These days though I wouldn't bother with a girl like you."
Sorry that's not what I meant at all, that came out completely wrong.
I mean in the sense of not lying to a woman who doesn't like it, I'd just date that woman.
I didn't mean for that to sound the way it did.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (26 February 2013): Only perving on you?
I'd say it's about 50/50 OP, the chances of finding a guy who won't lie about using porn.
Now I'd have no problem keeping my porn use a secret and even in the past I probably would have lied about my usage and kept using it. In my 20 years dating history I haven't come across porn as an issue in any of my relationships.
These days though I wouldn't bother with a girl like you. First it's porn, then I get shit for noticing another woman on the street with slightly more than a passing glance, then it's not being able to call any other woman hot or attractive ever again, then it's all my men's mags being thrown out, then it's not being allowed to have female friends, it's a non-stop rollercoaster of having to constantly pander to a person's insecurities and that's not the kind of relationship I'd want. I may aswell cut off my penis and just hand it you in a bag for use only when you allow me to.
But if I was crazy about you then I'd want fairness. No more magazines with pictures of Liam Hemsworth in them, no more romantic movies, if you're the only one I can have sexy thoughts about, I'm the only person you can have romantic thoughts about, fair is fair. You're not allowed check out any guy with a better physique than me, not allowed to think any other guy is hot, oh and I don't want any guys perving on you either, so it's burka time. In fact I don't want you even speaking to males, lets completely control each others sexual thoughts.
Sounds ridiculous doesn't it? Well that's exactly what you're asking of men.
Will you find such a non sexual man that will never find anyone except you attractive? Maybe you will, but then again maybe pigs will fly too.
If it's not porn we're checking out it's Angelina Jolie in her new movie, if it's not her it's your sister who wore that skin tight, low cut top showing her impeccable boobs, not her it's any women attractive woman we see in our day to day lives, you won't be there 24/7 and even the most dedicated of guys, myself included like checking out other women, my fiancée checks them out with me as she checks out other guys too.
I do not know any guy, even gay guys, who don't appreciate the joy of seeing the form on a beautiful woman. In fact I know very few women whose jaws don't drop at the sight of a particularly stunning woman.
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A
female
reader, chigirl +, writes (26 February 2013):
Let me put it to you differently.
Have I ever been in a relationship where a partner told me he'd never do (insert action) and then he did it anyway? Yes! And every failed relationship I've been with has been because of this. Expectations that weren't met, needs that weren't met. Poor communication, lack of respect etc.
A man can promise both one thing and more at the beginning of the relationship, but as everyone who's been in a relationship knows: what is SAID and what is DONE are two different things.
I've been proposed to, a man said he would marry me. Then changed his mind. So yes, it happens quite often that a man says he wont/will do one thing.. and then does the opposite. It happens very often.
I've had boyfriends tell me they loved me, and would love me forever, only to go back on their words and say they don't know if the love me any longer.
These things happen! They happen a lot! But.. is the risk too high to ever get involved in a relationship? If you look around you, the chances of having a relationship that lasts, compared to having one that ends.. is very very low! You might find, finally, after a long search, a relationship that lasts, and a relationship where the man does what he told you he would. But in order to get that relationship you've probably had to enter and end several other relationships.
It's like the saying goes, you have to kiss many frogs to find your prince. So you can choose... Are you willing to risk kissing a frog that in the end was just a frog, in the hopes that he was a prince? Or is the chances of finding the prince so low that you'd rather not kiss any frogs at all?
So to sum it up: Yes, the chances are high that a man will tell you he'll not look at porn, but then do it anyway. At the same time, there's always a chance he'll do what he said he will, and turn out to be your prince. Only one way to find out really.
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A
female
reader, thinkb4  +, writes (26 February 2013):
Yes. If you decide to enter a relationship, the chances of him watching porn sometime in your life together, is probably high.
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A
female
reader, YouWish  +, writes (26 February 2013):
 Do you know what "perving" is??
Perversion is deviant and destructive sexual behavior. Pedophilia, bestiality, rape, snuff films, child abuse and torture, incest, stalking/arousal through terror, involuntary sexual slavery, genital mutilation, I could go on and on.
Porn is so far away from "perving" you can get. To become aroused at the beautiful images of women and men is natural. I personally think porn videos are gross, but it is natural for acts of sexuality to be arousing. We wouldn't be alive if we weren't aroused by sexuality in whatever form turns us on.
No one should lie about porn in a perfect world. It's one of the last frontiers of "utterly unspoken" that is in that elusive "Man-manual" that guys be discreet with porn use so as not to hurt the girl they're with. It's truly the authentic "don't ask, don't tell" in most relationships, even when women are okay with it.
It's not enough to get a promise from a guy that he won't use porn in a relationship with you. You can't own someone else's sexuality, and if he uses porn and he's not addicted to it where it's interfering with a sexual relationship and his life is out of balance (like alcoholism or workaholism), he's going to continue.
What you need is a guy who truly finds using porn to be distasteful to him. It's rare, but many guys choose a life without it like other men choose not to smoke or drink or eat unhealthy foods or veganism. You need a guy who has chosen a lifestyle of no porn. It's not enough to choose a guy who likes porn but you want him to abstain.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (26 February 2013): "Has anyone ever had a relationship where they have told their partner at the beginning they don't want porn in the relationship and their partner has accepted but done it anyway?"Yes, I had this happen with 2 different men. I used to be VERY anti-porn, and absolutely hated the idea of someone I'm involved with looking at other women naked to get off. It got me so angry! Over time, though, I became more open-minded about it. I realized a lot of men don't even watch it for the actresses, but rather to see a certain sex act they like. A lot don't care who is in the video, and can't even remember what the people looked like once they've closed out of the video. Sure, there are some men who watch it for the women, but I think it's a little unfair to assume ALL men watch it just to perv at other women. There are ways to tell the difference, too. If the man is just doing searches for random videos, then I think it's safe to say he doesn't care about the women at all. Now, if he's seeking out one porn star in particular, "liking" her on facebook and/or following her on twitter, and saves a lot of her material to his computer or phone, then I'd say he definitely spends time fantasizing about her. "Are the chances of this happening high?"I would have to be honest, and say no. Most men DO watch porn from time to time, and are not willing to give it up just because their girlfriend doesn't approve. Instead, they lie about it, because it's the easiest solution for them. I'm not saying it's right, but they don't see it as a big deal. They see it as sparing your feelings, yet still getting to continue doing something they enjoy.
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A
male
reader, cyburr +, writes (26 February 2013):
I don't watch porn anymore. I stopped because I was reading a book called the 'The Willpower Instinct' and was searching dopamine on the Internet and I found the site yourbrainonporn.com. For 150 days I've only glanced at porn briefly and gave up masturbation as well
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A
female
reader, So_Very_Confused +, writes (26 February 2013):
 Well since I never had an issue with porn, I've never given this ultimatum to anyone.
I watch porn. I don't consider myself a perv. I don't consider watching porn perving on others.
IF you want a man that does not watch porn you can find one... but you have to be selective and you have to be willing to "kiss a lot of frogs" before you find your prince.
Maybe as part of your dating/vetting process you could discuss this with prospective boyfriends as a general comment... "hey what's your take on porn?"
and his response will tell you if you should be willing to take a chance on him or not.
I have to say since the advent of the internet (find the youtube song "the internet is for porn) porn usuage has gone way up.....for me growing up it was playboy and penthouse... Hustler was the BAD stuff.... nowadays it's nothing....
Sadly you may find a man who says "no i never watch porn" and he does... but he's had enough experience to know that women will not want him watching porn so he lies... then you fall in love and find out he's looking at porn (not addicted, not denying you sex, not mistreating you or ignoring you, but maybe every so often he 'rubs one out' when you're sleeping or sick or on your period and doesn't want to bother you) then you have to leave him....
after all if looking at porn is the deal breaker.... you need to stand your ground... it may be a lonely hill you are on for a while.
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