A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:Hi everyone.I will make a long story short. I am friends with a married guy. We work together. We are attracted to each other but have not crossed the line. Recently I opened up to him that I was involved with a guy who was married once and that this married guy broke my heart because he would not leave his relationship. I made a big mistake getting myself messed up with a guy who was married and I am sorry for that. I know it was wrong and eventually I chose to walk away from him with my dignity. I went through a great deal of pain but I recovered and I am doing great now.But I sense this current situation getting out of hand and I am afraid of getting more feelings for him. I have feelings now. I told my married friend that I would never walk down that same road and get involved with someone who wasn't available. I went through too much pain to let that happen again.It seems after I told him that, he is hurt and a lot cooler towards me.How should I handle this?I told him straight out I am not going to get involved with someone who is taken and get my heart broken again. I went through so much pain that I will never do that to myself again.Instead of understanding, he seems to be hurt and upset at me. Am I not doing the right thing? Why can't he see that???? Reply to this Question
Share |
Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
female
reader, So_Very_Confused +, writes (27 February 2013):
 I'm sensing that "I sense this current situation getting out of hand and I am afraid of getting more feelings for him. I have feelings now." was what I missed.
If you have feelings now, they grew from somewhere... if you tend towards married men who are receptive to this, (and that's the key for me) then you are making the choice to go after married men....
If you were friendly with my husband at work, he would come home and tell me about you. He would probably say "so and so at work did such and such... and be confused" WHY? because my husband is NOT LOOKING for a playtoy on the side....
Married men who are receptive to the flirtations of single women are different than married men who will not pick up on your "subtle clues".
I have no issue with single women being friendly with married men.... as long as they know their place... and while it's not their fault that a man cheats... (because if a married PERSON is looking to cheat they will find folks to assist) it's their responsibility to themselves NOT TO PUT THEMSELVES in the situation. IF you always find yourself being drawn to married men who are willing to cheat, you have to consider YOUR part in this OP.... what are you doing that makes this happen over and over???
Why are you permitting yourself to choose friendships with married men that are willing to cheat.... do you befriend married men who are NOT willing to cheat? if you say they do not exist well then I say you are not looking... for they do exist.... I have many married male friends here at work...
A
male
reader, anon_e_mouse  +, writes (27 February 2013):
 He's cooled off because you've been flirting and giving him the come on and then told him nothing will ever happen as he is married.
"Instead of understanding, he seems to be hurt and upset at me. Am I not doing the right thing? Why can't he see that????"
Sounds like you're a bit mad here. Let's just hang on a minute here. What is there for HIM to understand? He's not YOUR husband. This is a guy who was enjoying your attention and flirting and, no doubt, flirted back. Now you've told him you could never go back to that and now he's lost interest?
What do you expect?
Maybe he doesn't want things to go further and is now thinking you've got history going for married men. Perhaps he was only interested in you because he hoped something would happen? A nice little bit on the side.
Fact is, who are YOU to him? You're a flirty work colleague. That's it. What do you care if he's cooled off?
Unless, of course, you want him to leave his wife and start going out with you?
...............................
A
female
reader, Tisha-1 +, writes (27 February 2013):
 I have re-read the question and the answers here. I think that YouWish has it right.
You have been flirting with a married guy. You like the drama.
Why is he acting like this? Because you gave him the idea that he only had to do a bit more flirting and deep 'soul searching' and the two of you would be in bed.
You have crossed the line. You've developed feelings for him. Another married man. Hm.
If you continue your usual pattern that you seem to be developing, you'll wind up going through life winding up developing feelings for men who are attached elsewhere.
I wonder why you think this is so confusing and complicated. It isn't, really.
...............................
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (26 February 2013): Why does the OP go for married men? Same reason they go for her. Ego Boost. Some women like to know they still have it just as much as the men. It makes them feel special and good about themselves to know a man who is taken finds them attractive. There is a lot of POWER associated with that rush. I know because I have dated only men in relationships and every conquest is about satisfying my ego. A guy you are married to or live with does not pay the same attention to you. Things get very boring. The sex is nowhere near as incredible. Married guys work a lot harder to keep you around and make you happy. They don't take you for granted. The problem arises when feelings get involved and someone wants more. This is where everything goes down the drain. If you can't handle this type of relationship, it is best never to begin. The OP got too attached to the first married guy. It is best she stays away from this one or she will be hurt yet again. But she is bordering on being hurt again because it seems that these two are already playing with fire.So, the ego boost goes both ways and this is why these men and women tend to find each other. They are both looking for the same thing.Just to let you know, men are not the only ones looking for side action. Women do too. And they use men the same way.But make sure you know how to handle fire before you play with it...
...............................
A
female
reader, Euphoric29  +, writes (26 February 2013):
Dear OP,You did the right thing. You made clear you won't get involved and you got out of this thing before things got really difficult.Now, of course the man is upset and hurt.You can't turn down someone and expect them to be simply happy and stay good friends. It's not your responsibility to take care of him. You both are adults and are old enough to deal with your grief and pain. He wanted something, but you didn't. Yes, that hurts. But it's not your job to comfort him or change that.Stay strong, accept that he wants distance.
...............................
A
reader, anonymous, writes (26 February 2013): It's clear that he's looking for some action, and you seem like you're on the fence, mentally, but based on your actions, you do seem keen to get things going. I agree that you're just playing hard to get. Why exactly do you keep finding yourself having emotional and/or physical affairs with married men? Is it the "he's off limits" factor or do you like the idea of stealing another woman's man? One thing I've learned over the years is that married men are typically happy in their relationships, and the ones that cheat usually just want a piece of ass on the side as an ego boost. That's why they never want to leave their wives or disrupt their family life. No matter how they try to convenience you emotionally that they care, they never do. It's even more of a conquest for them to get you emotionally and physically wrapped up in them. Again, it's all about the ego and the thrill of being sneaky and bad. I think you're best plan of action is to move on and stay away from him. Friendships are over the moment sexuality begins, even if it's only in thought, so consider it done. You'll be able to find plenty of single men who really can give you an honest, loving relationship. Look outside your world; believe me, they're out there.
...............................
A
reader, anonymous, writes (26 February 2013): Why can't he see what OP? All I see is a woman who says she won't get involved with another married who is doing exactly that again.
If you don't want to be involved then why did you let it get to the stage where you're so close you're having discussions about this kind of thing?
Why did you let this get out of hand?
You fed this, created this and now you're backing out, so yeah he's pissed and keeping a bit more of distance. What did you expect? To just keep being affectionate, close and cosy?
No OP, you played with fire yet again and here you are getting burned again.
Are you doing the right thing? Yes and no, the idea is right, but you still expect to be able to have all the benefits of the closeness after being a dicktease.
I agree with YouWish, and I really don't mean to offend OP but this looks like all part of your game. Something tells me you said those things to him so he'd try harder to convince you to sleep with him and now you're a little disappointed it didn't work. I think you told him those things to leave the door open to him to say he might leave her so you could feel it was morally right to sleep with him.
You tell us you're taking the moral high ground, but I think that's not true, I think this is you playing hard to get, trying a different approach. The moral high ground was not to start messing around with the emotions of another woman's man, the high ground was to not allow yourself to develop feelings for another married man, but you chose to ignore that.
So here you are again, messing around with another man and hoping he'll start taking the bait and working harder to convince you. He may well do that too, and you're going to be just as fucked up as the last time OP, because mistresses to married men are like meat to a dog, tasty and delicious but then eaten up and shat out for someone stand in.
Why not go focus on a single guy for a change OP?
...............................
A
female
reader, YouWish +, writes (26 February 2013):
 I'm going to tell you this very directly:
Within 6 months, you will be in bed with this married man.
Don't delude yourself here. If you've already slept with a married man and haven't learned your lesson by now that you can't play with fire, you're going to be a slave to this guy.
Your so-called protests are weak at best, and foreplay at worst. If you truly changed your ways after the first time you got burned by a married man, you wouldn't be even associating with this guy. Not friends. Not acquaintances. You wouldn't speak a single word, nor accept a single word from him that you wouldn't share as if his wife were in the room with you.
You're *already* in an affair with him. You're *already* cheating on his wife, alienating his affection from her. Your actions in playing, flirting, dancing around physical attraction are choking out his marriage. What's left except bed? You'll be in bed too...he'll pursue, he'll use guilt, you'll fold like a saltine cracker in his knuckles.
You're toast unless you cut off every form of contact right down to the last text, the last email, the last Facebook account, the last *everything*.
You can tell this guy as adamantly as you can. You can recall every second of pain you got from the previous guy, but unless you stop all forms of communication as of immediately, you're already in bed with him and don't know it yet.
No more lying to yourself. No more excuses. No more self-deception. You're the fly in the spiderweb, and the spider is coming to wrap you up. It's already over.
Unless....
...............................
A
female
reader, So_Very_Confused +, writes (26 February 2013):
he's hurt and upset because you have dashed his hopes of having a little something on the side.
because you never viewed him that way his attentions to you were never seen by you as he intended.
How do you handle it?
STAND YOUR GROUND.... accept that his intentions were not purely friendship, grieve that loss and move on....
...............................
A
female
reader, lmao1989 +, writes (26 February 2013):
 To be honest i actually really applaud you. I think it takes someone strong to admit wrong and not want to pursue that again with a married person. It shows you are really thinking about the situation at hand.
He's just hurt because he obviously isn't happy in his relationship or wants to think he's the man by having a wife and a bit on the side.
If he isn't happy in his marriage then he should sort those problems out with his wife not flirt around with other women and try to pursue a relationship because he wants it.
If he ignores you fine go with it he isn't worth the friendship he's too dangerous to get involved with in anyway because he will always try to get more than friendship.
You've done totally the right thing he's just being childish.
...............................
A
female
reader, Tisha-1 +, writes (26 February 2013):
Children throw tantrums when they are told they cannot have that cookie. It sounds as though he has the maturity of a small child, throwing a tantrum. I would treat him as though he were a child. Be firm, consistent and do not allow his emotional manipulations to affect you. He may never "get it" but that's HIS problem, not yours.
Don't worry about what he's feeling or thinking. He's a spoiled child. That's the way to approach this.
...............................
A
female
reader, NORA B  +, writes (26 February 2013):
Just to tell you i admire your courage in walking away from the first married man.Well done You. With regards to your second married friend in doing nothing you are handling it. You dont have to do anything .If he wants to be cooler with you well that is he choice. In the meantime enjoy your life and hopefully you will meet a man that is FREE to love you . Best Wishes Nora B.
...............................
|
