A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:Question for the happily married men out there : when did you know your wife was "the one?". Did she have to push you to take the next step - or did you ask her? (whether it be moving in, marriage, or baby)I brought up the "next step" (moving in) and my boyfriend of 7 months says he's "not ready" and says he now needs to "process it" because in the past, he says he never even considered being so serious until the year mark. He says that I'm pressuring him. He is 43 and has never been married. No kids either. I'm 37. Reply to this Question
Share |
Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
female
reader, Tisha-1 +, writes (13 September 2013):
 You could freeze some eggs now so that you'll have some on hand if things take longer than you planned. Go to an infertility clinic and they can set you up.
Good luck with the complicated man!
A
reader, anonymous, writes (13 September 2013): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionTo the most recent female poster -
I don't feel like I have decades because I am 90% sure I want children. Oy. So difficult.
I wish I could be practical and just love a guy that has it all together
And willing to walk down aisle. But I love the complicated ones!
...............................
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (5 September 2013): I understand that you feel that time is running out because you're 37 but unfortunately each relationship has its own natural trajectory with its own time frame. Some people will feel they want to settle down within weeks of meeting you. Others will need years to get to that stage. My suggestion is that since you're in a rush to settle down because of your age, you need to find a guy who is also on a rush to settle down. Don't waste time on someone who obviously isn't operating on the same speed as you, one of you will end up getting the short end of the stick. That said why not be in less of a rush? I know you're 37 but you still have decades of life ahead of you to find someone. You can adopt to create a family if you cant biologically reproduce. If you're open to more options you'll feel less anxiety and put less pressure on yourself and any guy you're with and allow the relationship to develop naturally. I do have friends who rushed to settle down because time was running out or so they thought. Well they have the kids and the marriage and are so unhappy as it turns out they are not actually compatible as life partners they simply were anxious to settle down but it turned into not actually being settled emotionally after all.
...............................
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (5 September 2013): I'm 30- married recently my 39 year old hubby. Just read him your question- he says that obviously his one year rule has not worked for him in the past. He's 43 and not in a commuted relationship. He's asking for 5 more months to buy himself some more time- will he want more time after that? How much time do you have? What you need is some reassurance- has he said he loves you, are you spending heaps if time with him. Ask him about his future goals- does he want marriage or kids? How does he feel about you? What's his timeline like? If you can have sex with someone- you can definitely ask him questions. Just be gentle with your questioning. 7 months is not too early to ask questions. Husband says that 7 months is a tad early to move in, but not to early for him to know if you are the one or not.
...............................
A
female
reader, Aunty Babbit  +, writes (4 September 2013):
 I think that 7 months is too soon to be making that sort of decision about your future together but I agree with Aunty So Very Confused that your b/f's time frame of a year is strange.
You can know how you feel at any given moment but how do you know how you will feel after a year or any time in the future. How does a year become a magic number?
He's clearly set in his ways and not in any hurry to settle down.
My husband said he knew within weeks that we would be together forever and that I was "the one".
That said we didn't move in together for another 18 months and that wasn't planned it just happened. He visited for the weekend and on the Sunday said he didn't ever want to go and he didn't! But it was 7 years until we married, we couldn't see the rush, we were committed to each other and happy.
I can't help feeling that you are putting pressure on yourself to settle down and have a family given that you mention you're 37 and that your fella may not have been married or had children because he doesn't want that.
Are you happy with this guy? Are you having fun? If yes then relax and enjoy dating. There's nothing less attractive to a man than a desperate woman. And putting any pressure on him will make him back right off.
If commitment is what you need and you don't feel you can wait then you will have to move on but there's no guarantees you'll meet someone who you'll fall in love with and who mirrors your feelings.
I wish you well ABx
...............................
A
female
reader, So_Very_Confused +, writes (4 September 2013):
 I'm old school and I never understood the whole "timeframe" thing.
I can't care about you till we've been dating a year... I think it's crazy.
I'm not a good judge here because i've made some stupid mistakes and marriages over short terms but the truth is
EVERY man who has ever married me knew long before a year he was going to do so even if we did not marry once we knew....
...............................
A
male
reader, Sageoldguy1465 +, writes (4 September 2013):
 For this inquiry, I consulted my reference book entitled "Guys' book of those who have dodged the "marriage" bullet for many years"... and found THIS in the chapter titled, "for those who've made it to their 40s".... (quote):
"Congratulations, Guy. You've made it this far without being pinned down with marriage, and all the unsavory details that come along with that. Now, the key to your future success is to infer that you just CRAVE to be with the lucky lady who is servicing you... whilest, at the same time, resisting her pressure to get you to the altar for the most degrading and humiliating thing that women will try to visit upon you..... YOU need to give her a few scraps of "love" and "warm" and "committment"... while NEVER committing yourself to something long-term from which you can't extricate yourself in a matter of just a few minutes....."
"We (the guys at "Guys' Reference Books") suggest that you INFER that you are really taken with your girl....whilest carefully crafting your words such that you can say that you NEVER (really) said that you wanted to get married.... but that, you really wanted to enjoy the intimacies that you and she shared......"
That should do it...
Good luck, famale, age 30-35. 'Cuz I think your man has read this book....
...............................
A
reader, anonymous, writes (4 September 2013): My experience is limited, but from what I've read/my own situation, I would say that He's Just Not That Into You. I sincerely hope I'm wrong. From what I've noticed, however, guys who meet "the one" know immediately, and they don't tend to do a lot of backpedaling and "processing" and "needing more time." There are exceptions, of course. I was single for 8 years, met the man of my dreams (yes, the world did slow around us when he came around the corner for the first time, and yes, I was rendered speechless by his eyes), and within two weeks we were exclusive and he said "I love you," within three weeks we were TALKING about moving in, and within four months we were unofficially living together. At six months, it was official. Last month, at 14 months, we signed a long-term lease together on a beautiful family home. All of these things happened naturally. The ink wasn't even dry on his long-time-coming divorce when we met, however, and so he hasn't proposed to me yet. In fact, he said that he has just now gotten enough distance from his ex that he can think about remarriage. I'm letting him take the initiative on that one. I would recommend a no-pressure approach. He needs to feel that he is coming to the place of wanting to move in with you naturally, without coercion. If he dilly-dallies around the bush for years, however...refer to my first paragraph. Like I said, I hope I'm wrong.
...............................
A
female
reader, CindyCares  +, writes (4 September 2013):
 It's an individual choice , but yes, as a general rule ( not meaning that exceptions are necessarily doomed to failure ) , 7 months is early for thinking about getting married or even moving in. He probably feels you are rushing things.
Of course, if you are rushing things is because he's 43 and he does not have the next 5 or 10 years of his life to figure out what he wants to do " when he grows up " as if he still was in his 20s. That's undeniable, nevertheless I feel he is justified in hesitating because 7 months are, at ANY age, a very short period of time to decide if you want to commit the rest of your life to that one person.
...............................
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (4 September 2013): You don't want to be with a guy whom you have to "push " to be with you. You want someone who is on the same page as you and wants the "next step" just as much as you do.Some guys can be more easily pushed into marriage or living together or whatever next step. But once they are in the next step they will probably at best be lukewarm or at worst regretful. And also from the perspective of caring about your partner's feelings, because people in relarionships are supposed to care about each others feelings. how does this factor into pushing them to do something they don't want? Is that being caring? Is that being considerate?
...............................
A
male
reader, CMMP +, writes (4 September 2013):
I think seven months is sooner than I'd be comfortable except under certain circumstances. You may think you know someone that soon, but in reality you're still in the honeymoon phase and moving in together is a good way to mess things up at that point.
If you bring it up once and he says no, don't bring it up again for awhile or you are pressuring him. If he still isn't ready then and you find that unacceptable then find yourself a new boyfriend. Otherwise accept the situation for what it is.
...............................
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (4 September 2013): well you don't know what someone's personal stance is on getting married until you ask. So you did ask, and now you know...he is not the one. everyone moves at a different pace and with different people. My brother in law got married within 6 months of MEETING her for the first time and within another 6 months were expecting a baby. It was the first real relationship for both of them too. Yes that was very fast but they were both in their 30s and tired of being single and never having had a real relationship so I think that had something to do with it. I don't know how long it will last, they are both very religious conservative so it could last forever since such people tend to not believe in divorce.my hb proposed to me but we had already been together 8 years, I wasn't really thinking about it either since we were both very young at the time I was more than content to wait 20 years!other friends I know - guy friends I mean - got pressured by their girlfriends into getting married and that's how they ended up being married with a family. does it work? well, it "works" if the goal is not to be alone, and to look 'normal' as in having the marriage and kids because all your friends do. But that isn't the same as being happy and content, it is also very difficult and full of recurring problems.
...............................
A
male
reader, BillyRayValentine +, writes (4 September 2013):
Everybody is going to a different opinion on this question.I have a friend who moved in with his girlfriend after about 6 months, he is 30. The same guy moved in with a different girl back when he was 24 or so after dating her for 3 years. So all I'm getting at is everybody is different. All depends on the person, beliefs, feeling for the other person, Kids involved, money, I mean it could be anything.But for me and my wife?I met my wife and we both fell in love at first sight, it was crazy instant chemistry. Our first date, we both knew we were gonna marry each other. Strangers on our date said you all are gonna get married some day. We never told each other about how we felt till months later about our feelings when we first met, but people around us knew.I've never had that instant connection with anybody before. We moved in together for the most part after a few weeks. Officially after about 4 months, meaning one home together and married two years after we first met.Just my story, sure some bumps along the way, no relationship is perfect, had some major issues to work through at times, that's life and love....Good Luck!
...............................
A
female
reader, Brokenv  +, writes (4 September 2013):
I realize that you are looking for a happily married man for an answer. But I thought I would offer my advice.
I would give this man a year he requires to make a decision of commitment. You and him are at an age you should know where you are at. I think you need to sit down and tell him you will give him the year but after that you need a commitment to move forward. Don't give him an ultimatum. That is not fair.
Good luck!
...............................
A
female
reader, YouWish +, writes (3 September 2013):
 While there are no rules to moving in together, a huge number of people agree on waiting until at least a year into a relationship before moving in together. Your asking at 7 months probably unnerved him because that's usually the timeframe when many people are starting to think about using the L word in their relationship.
I agree with them -- 7 months is too soon. Given the fact that he's 43 and never been married, it may take longer since he's become set in his independent bachelor ways.
...............................
|
