A
male
age
30-35,
*pethTree
writes:Hey, Firstly this is gonna be really long, but i need help because this is really confusing me!Im 17 and gay, my best mate is the same age and straight. He is very much the typical straight guy and would never involve himself with anything that would be considered gay, He's been in a couple of relationships with girls, and was in a very serious one for over 2 years. We've been friends for quite a long time and would both consider each other best friends - we are very close and he has absolutely no problem with me being gay. We always talk personal stuff and help each other out in relationship stuff and are always hanging out. Tbh i've always had a crush on him to some extent, but having other experiences of liking straight guys i've always stayed away and just guessed it more friendship love than anything else, although i do find him very attractive and always have, but of course never pursued it as he has always told me his is "110 % straight".We often get drunk together (as teens often do xD) and he is always alot more open when he is drunk. However we've been drunk many times together and it has never really led to anything more than lots of hugging and once when we had to kiss for a dare (party drinking games, dont ask! :P) When i go round his house we always sleep in the same bed (wearing only boxers) and if we're pretty drunk we always end up cuddling each other. Although regardless him being drunk or not he is and has always been pretty comfortable with me. I had noticed recently he's been gradually getting more and more close, like more cuddles in bed and starting to kiss me on the cheek and stuff, he started calling me more often and talking for hours at a time down the phone, again i didn't really take this as anything but really close mates.However last night, he came round mine and we started the usual drinking, same as always. Nothing seemed that much different really, he was being more cuddly than usual but i just thought that maybe his was in a happier than usual mood or something.We got into bed as and just started talking about stuff in a very intoxicated state and always, then he suddenly grabbed me and started kissing me, like full on making out. I was a bit taken back by this and pulled away, he started kissing me again, with tongues and everything. Being very drunk myself and having always kinda liked him anyway i guess i just carried on and joined in. Well basically one thing led to another and we ended up having full sex. He very was keen, giving me oral and kissing me and hugging me lots, and well as going the full way. He kept telling me that he was actually "10% bi" and that he actually sort of "liked me". After a while he suddenly stopped and said that he couldn't do it anymore, he put his clothes on, rolled over and started going to sleep. As you can imagine at this point being very drunk and feeling very confused i didn't really know what was going on. He then rolled over and started kissing me again, saying that he doesn't really know what he feels and needed to experiment. He started to go the full way again and stopped. Basically it developed into us having a huge argument. We apologized to each other and decided to "talk in the morning", we went to sleep and left it there. Although for the whole night he was really really hugging me tight, and wouldn't let go.This morning we woke up. I didn't get much sleep and remembered everything, feeling very awkward and not sure what was gonna happen. He woke up acting his usual self, saying he couldn't remember anything from the night before. We hung out for the whole day until it got to a point where i couldn't take it and needed to speak to him. I asked him what he remembered from last night and jogged his memory. When he had remembered he went completely quiet, looked very confused and almost started crying. He had a short talk about it, he told me he didn't know why it happened and that he is completely straight. He said he didn't want it to get in the way of our friendship and that we should just try and forget it and pretend it never happened. We have decided to carry on as normal and not let it change anything. The whole days been awkward but we were both determined not to let it ruin anything, we hugged as usual when we said good bye and things sort of seemed ok.Which puts me here right now. I really feel so confused with not only my feelings but his. And needed to ask some questions to see what everyone else thinks of this. Is he actually straight or bi? It is odd, he is very comfortable with me but if i or anyone says anything "gay" around him he gets very uncomfortable and freaks out (something that me and my bi friend often joke about) Yet he does something like this! Is he just repressing his feelings - internalized homophobia? I'm just so confused, what am i supposed to do? should i talk to him again? I feel so bad for this, and im worried for him as well as my feelings. He is like the best friend i've ever had and care for him so much. Any advice much appreciated! Thanks -Al
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male
reader, Illinois Jack  +, writes (1 January 2022):
Where was I ten years ago when this questions was proposed lol I've been down this crazy road, you can do fun things on alcohol but not so fun trying to get to the truth, no one is entirely straight, most people love their best friend and that is the first person they love outside of their direct family, there is nothing wrong with two friends having sex, if it is just fun then leave it at that, if your concern is more than just having fun or experimenting discuss it, sometimes that makes it worse, sometimes it is best to just enjoy things as they happen and try not to label it to death and overthink it, wish I had been around in 2010 because he definitely does think of you as more and has that desire for more, he just doesn't know how to talk about it, go about it, if it is meant to be it will work out
A
male
reader, male reader +, writes (4 March 2016):
I'm kinda in the same situation as you except my friend had only kissed me a couple of times. I think he likes me but I'm not sure. I wish you the best of luck
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male
reader, anonymous, writes (5 January 2011): heya :) well WOW! that is one hell of an experience ya got there! okay short and sweet answer after reading your update on the situation... it is said that many straight guys have had homosexual experiences at some point in their lives so this is not able to prove that he is gay or bi... HOWEVER! i am a firm believer that things like this happen for a reason... something in his brain told him he wanted it... afterall he made the move on you!.... another point that everyone else has made that even before the "incident"... you cuddled eachother, kiss eachother on the cheek and sleep practically naked together!!!!! STRAIGHT GUYS ARE NOT INTO THAT!so all-in-all he has to be at least "bi-curious" if such a state of sexuality really exists...as for the having a slight crush on him anyway... unless he happens to come out to you in the next week or something... try and move on (I know its hard if you have grown attatched to him) but its the healthiest (yes its painful) thing to do :( afterall there are plenty of gays on the dancefloor as i like to say ;) x peace outps: dont tell my bf i sed that about the plenty of gays bit though! :P
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male
reader, OpethTree +, writes (30 December 2010):
OpethTree is verified as being by the original poster of the questionHey thanks everyone for the answers!
We met up today and yesterday and talked about what happened. He says that he is completely completely straight and cannot honestly say why it happened or that he can even remember most of it. I've asked him several times and had a few close talks with him and he says that im his best friend but nothing else, that he honestly doesn't find guys attractive and that he is 100 % straight. I've mentioned some of the stuff that people have said and that a straight guy wouldn't do those things but he says he is not bi or gay and does not understand why that happened.
I believe him as i know he wouldn't lie when i asked him like that. We've agreed that it was just a weird incident that he cant really explain, and i trust him, so if he did have a problem, even in the slightest about his sexually or being confused then he would tell me. We've just put it behind us now and are carrying on as normal before that night! :)
To be honest it is still on my mind and i am still very confused about it all but i guess i am just gonna have to forget about it, im just very happy that it hasn't damaged our friendship at all and he's a good enough guy to put it behind him :)
Cheers - Al
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (30 December 2010): Alright buddy one thing ive learned is you dont lie when your drunk you just do stuff your to afraid to do sopher
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female
reader, IKnowWhatIWanTButDoThey +, writes (29 December 2010):
 Okay, dude, first off...Ur friend likes boys.. . ..second, you personally cannot really do anything because you can't control ur "Friend's" mind or his way of thinking... have you ever thought he gets uncomfortable because some of the things you say relate to him?? And excuse me, but your friend is kind of a douche to me because it seems like he's trying to use his drunkness as a shield/pass to touch you however he wants.. I think he likes you, but doesn't like the idea that he likes you, a boy...So in regards to what you should do..all you can really do is wait, and talk on your end and see what happens... Sorry that your in such a mess.... "/
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reader, CDM +, writes (29 December 2010):
I am definitely in the same boat that you are...in that I am VERY confused about my friend too. For the most part, our situations are similar except I have never gone that far with my best friend. I am bi and my best friend is "150% straight"! I actually told him that I was bi and had feelings toward him two weeks ago (he is totally fine with it all and is completely comfortable with me). He has told me that he loves me for who I am, however, he insists he is straight. Just like your friend he is very touchy-feely with me (even when he isn't drunk). He will touch my stomach and tickle me and almost do flirty type things. He will sometimes let me rest my head on his shoulder if we are watching a movie and we hug quite a bit. He did kiss me several times (on the cheek) one time when he was drunk. We will also watch movies and I will purposely sit very close to him to the point where I almost cuddling/leaning on him ... and he allows it for the most part. He also tells me that he loves me quite often. However, just like your friend I really think my best friend is struggling with the fact that he MAY be bi/gay...he is the kind of guy who would probably never admit it because I think he would be ashamed of himself for having those feelings. He is a very proud person... This is incredibly hard for me because I love him more than anything else in the world and have for the past 10 years... (we are 26 now). So I guess my advice is to hang in there...you are certainly not alone. Hopefully our friends will come to terms with their feelings (if they are bi/gay)...like the others said...it's just difficult to get yourself to a point where you accept it and for some it is MUCH more difficult than others. I hope this helps...let us know the outcome! Good luck!
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reader, anonymous, writes (29 December 2010): Drunken minds = sober hearts.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (29 December 2010): Your best friend is not straight, no straight man would do the things he did with you/to you last night! You are both very young and while you are sure of your sexuality it takes other people longer to realize who they truely are. Having girlfriends or boyfriends does not mean anything, he could be hiding who he really is and I am sure you know straight looking guys can be gay too!
Leave him be for the moment, he will come to you again. I am sure he is confused but deep down he knows what he is.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (29 December 2010): It sounds like he has a crush on you and it all came out in a drunken state. Yeah it sounds like he is repressed gay/bi. I mean I know people do crazy things when they are drunk but I have been drunk with one of my gay best friends countless times but it didn't come out that he was 10% straight on a drunken whim. Or that he even sort of likes me or I like him. None of that. He is gay as gay can be. And has no interest in me no matter how drunk he gets. And I have no interest in him no matter how drunk I get. So...yes your friend obviously has had repressed feelings towards you.
I really don't know what to tell you because it doesn't sound like he is going to come out of the closet or even tap into this side of him in a public way. Maybe he will want to have sex with you again. But that could make your friendship awkward.
It also sounds like you are kind of resentful that he has been "dishonest" with you. Claiming that he is 110% straight and then showing this other side to you. It sounds like you feel a bit betrayed. I hear you and understand that feeling. But I would try to be relaxed, easy going and open minded about it. This is probably hard for him to come to terms with. I know it has been easier for you to accept your sexuality but it is not so easy for him.
I think having a conversation about it (your boundaries, limits as friends) will be very useful to both of you. If you have to take it upon yourself to bring up the conversation, then do it. If he doesn't want to come clean then so be it, but you both need to discuss where you draw the line as friends and make a decision to either put this behind you or take it to another level or be open to friends with benefits, whatever. But this is a great friend and a friendship worth salvaging. Sex between friends often complicates things or makes things awkward so you two need to do/say something about what happened and come to some agreement so that nobody gets hurt, nobody feels confused. So that you both know where you stand and can continue your friendship without it getting weird. Ok? So talk it out with him. Remember keep an open mind, be nice and remember this is a great friend and keeping it that way is what really matters right now.
Good luck.
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reader, The Realist  +, writes (29 December 2010):
 I think that deep down he is bi because I beleive that when you are drunk it only amplifies emotions that you already have within you. The rest may be an act because it is tough for a guy to be open about that sort of thing.
I wouldn't talk to him any time soon. Let him sit with it for months and see if he brings it up. The pressure may really scare him because he has to figure himself out alone. Just go on being friends as best you can and be patient. He will bring it up eventually.
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reader, anonymous, writes (29 December 2010): Well, like you said before, it is possible that he, much like yourself can feel the close connection between yourselves leading to something more than just friends.
However at the same time, if he is used to being completely straight these feelings would confuse him, hence the pretending it never happened.
He may have just wanted to experiment and now needs tine to come to terms with whatever decision he has made...
Personally I think he likes you, but the confusion over his sexuality is a bit too much to handle.
My advice is to leave him for a while and see if anything is mentioned and maybe invite him over again and see what happens...
If he says no or nothing happens, just bring it up and say you are a little confused.
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female
reader, Confused_123 +, writes (29 December 2010):
Well he's certainly not 110% straight. He's clearly having some doubts about his secuality and seems to be interested in you only doesn't want to admit it because he's afraid of being bi or gay. Be completely honest with him and explain how you're confused about his actions and that if he's upset or sonfused about his sexuality then you're always there to listen. Hopefully he'll open up to you but there's a chance he'll carry on repressing his feelings. You guys will work it out eventually if your friendship is real.
Good luck :) hope it all works out for the best.
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reader, nikolkacze123 +, writes (29 December 2010):
erm erm ,,... im a gurl... but i got a bestfriend which is a boy and a bi...
and he tells me quite alot bout his 'going out with people and dating'
i would advice you to actually tell him about all your feelings and see his reaction
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reader, anonymous, writes (29 December 2010): My thoughts are equally long but I hope you can use them;
I think your friend might be bi. People tend to think that sexuality is either/or, but it’s actually more of a spectrum if people allow themselves to be open. But unfortunately we aren’t.
I know this myself because I have struggled with the straight/bi question for a while.
Openly I am straight and I always defend gays and I am comfortable around my gay friends. But my family, who I am very close to, finds homosexuality unacceptable and I know they will be so devastated and estranged if I confess my feelings. Therefore I keep quiet since I am still very attracted to guys and love being in a straight relationship and haven’t had serious deep feelings for a specific woman so far. It’s just the easier thing to do at this point.
My guess, based on your story, is that your friend is confused about his sexuality. So far he has been able to ignore it or just hasn’t taken notice of it. But he is now realising there must be something there and it boils up when his inhibitions are down (i.e. drunk). He knows you and is comfortable around you and knows you care and will protect him, so for him you are the one he dares to explore this with.
I will warn you though; you might end up hurt if you let this happen. You mention you might have feelings for him. Well he might not exactly have the same feelings, it might be just a sexual exploration thing. You might want completely different things out of this, he might not come to the point where he wants to come out or even have a relationship with you.
You need to figure out for yourself how far you will let him go and if you want to go down that route with him. If I am right this situation might occur again. To begin with try to talk to him in that tipsy, in-between state (after he starts drinking, but before he gets drunk and starts cuddling with you) and figure out where he stands. I know that’s when I talk the most :-)
Sorry it got so long, but I really hope you got something out of my rant. Best of luck - Dee
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