A
female
age
36-40,
*ocluewhattodo
writes:My fiance has been in jail going on three months now, his date to be released is May 28th. I love this man with all my heart and soul. We have been through so much with his probation officer and his time. I was able to see him twice a week and talk to him everyday but they moved him to a different facility and I have not heard from him for a week. I know that this does not excuse what I did. I ended up getting way to drunk and had sex with a co-worker. I was feeling lonely and extremely vulnerable when it happened. I feel like a completely awful person and It is never happening again , I made that perfectly clear to my co-worker. The problem is that I know this would have never happened if my fiance had not gone to jail again. This was his third violation and I feel like he was not being careful and he was giving into his desires and lust. I do not want to say what he went to prison for but it was a sexually offense. I do not judge him for this and I have always stood by his side and defended him. I don't know if I should tell him about what happened, I feel it would destroy him but I just can't be sure. What should I do?
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co-worker, drunk, fiance, in jail Reply to this Question
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female
reader, Tisha-1 +, writes (22 April 2010):
 Thank you for letting us know. As you seem to have resolved the issue and are finding further answers unhelpful, this question is being closed. Poster, PM me if you would like that to be changed. Good luck to you in the future.
A
female
reader, Nocluewhattodo +, writes (22 April 2010):
Nocluewhattodo is verified as being by the original poster of the question He is mental stable that I can tell him. Which I did and when he gets out we are going to work on the issues that we have and he has. Neither of us are perfect and have not screwed up.
"You seem to be able to write follow ups where you scold the aunts who have answered, but you don't seem to be able to write follow ups that have any kind of self-awareness or additional detail. This makes me wonder if you are really here for advice or are you just here to get people riled up. It goes to your credibility for me."I have only written back to defend myself because I feel like some of you are attacking me and not helping, you are making me feel worse about myself when I came to this site just for opinion's not to be scolded by other people. Thank you for you help people. I didn't come to this site to made out to be a bad person. I already feel that way. ( Lonely Two you are the worse please do me a favor and quit writing on my post)
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female
reader, Tisha-1 +, writes (22 April 2010):
Actually, we do need to know more about him. Is he mentally stable? Why is it that he re-offended? Why did he get caught?
I applaud you for your loyalty to him. But are you throwing pearls before swine, as the saying goes?
You seem to be able to write follow ups where you scold the aunts who have answered, but you don't seem to be able to write follow ups that have any kind of self-awareness or additional detail. This makes me wonder if you are really here for advice or are you just here to get people riled up. It goes to your credibility for me.
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female
reader, Tisha-1 +, writes (22 April 2010):
Q spotted the question in my answer, which was "can he handle the truth?" We don't know him. You do. So you have to tell us about him. You didn't answer my question. Do you feel able to talk about your feelings with this man?
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female
reader, Nocluewhattodo +, writes (22 April 2010):
Nocluewhattodo is verified as being by the original poster of the questionSo why did you write it on my question????
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female
reader, Tisha-1 +, writes (22 April 2010):
You were angry at your boyfriend for his third violation of a non-aggressive but sexual offense. He gave in to his desires and lust. So I think you have a reasonable defense, you gave in to your desires and anger. He should be able to understand that.
In a way, maybe you were punishing him for doing what he did to you--he went to prison and therefore abandoned you (in a way).
I hate to say this, but you're the one who knows him. You know if he can handle this truth. We can only guess and speculate. Is he violent? Is he mentally stable? Can he handle you not being perfect? Those are the questions you need to answer for yourself.
I hear a lot of anger in your tone; interestingly none seems to be aimed at your fiance. I'm just wondering what would happen if you actually told your fiance you were angry with him for what he'd chosen to do. You defend him and stand by him, that is admirable. But do you get to express your honest feelings to him?
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female
reader, Nocluewhattodo +, writes (22 April 2010):
Nocluewhattodo is verified as being by the original poster of the questionSome of you could have given your opinion without being so rude and condescending when someone is asking for help don't be a jerk! I have read many other women stories and they have done worse and they were not treated so awful And I wasn't referring to you q1605
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female
reader, heather108 +, writes (22 April 2010):
 I don't think you should tell him anything because tru confession may be good for the soul but it plays hell with personal relationships.
And uhhh, about your concern over this recent funtime hook up distroying him,,, it sounds like he's pretty much done that all on his own.
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female
reader, Nocluewhattodo +, writes (21 April 2010):
Nocluewhattodo is verified as being by the original poster of the questionI'm sorry but of you guys are acting like you are so perfect and have never made a mistake in your whole life. I just want to say "yeh without sin may cast the first stone"
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female
reader, Not My Name  +, writes (20 April 2010):
 Speculating here, ...but it sounds to me like he has a penchant for prostitutes (giving into desire and lust and it being a non agressive crime) and IF so , it sounds like neither of you have a concept of love then, despite thinking you do.
When I love someone, there is not enough alcohol on the planet to cause me to cheat on them, ... I feel sick and repulsed just by the idea of it let alone the times other guys have tried to make a move. It just would not happen under any circumstances if i am in love with someone else.
3 times tho on his part? 3 he has been caught for anyway. If you stand by a guy with this sort of behaviour then don't bother beating yourself up over our own indiscretion. Sounds minor in comparison. Personally tho, i think you should find someone else who does not cheat on you, and whom 7 bottles of Jack could not make you cheat on in return.
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female
reader, angelcake +, writes (20 April 2010):
 I don't think it's a great idea sweetheart cause I remember I had sex with someone and I was trying to be honest I told my exboyf he pretended that doesnt bother him after a week he send me an email and tell me it's over he called me all the bad names etc.......... and you know men when they do something crazy it's noth when a girl did the samething that's a big deal.....
Please I hope you don't tell him
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female
reader, Nocluewhattodo +, writes (20 April 2010):
Nocluewhattodo is verified as being by the original poster of the questionI do love my fiance do I really feel that it is unfair for some of you to accuse me of not. To answer your question Tonsiaa everyone makes mistakes maybe I should clarify that he has never hurt anyone, his crime was not aggressive. I have stood by him because I do love him, if I didn't I would have left along time ago. Like I said I made it clear to my co-worker that it would never ever happen again. I have definitely decided not to drink unless I am at home with my fiance or alone
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female
reader, Nocluewhattodo +, writes (20 April 2010):
Nocluewhattodo is verified as being by the original poster of the questionI do love my fiance do I really feel that it is unfair for some of you to accuse me of not. To answer your question Tonsiaa everyone makes mistakes maybe I should clarify that he has never hurt anyone, his crime was not aggressive. I have stood by him because I do love him, if I didn't I would have left along time ago. Like I said I made it clear to my co-worker that it would never ever happen again. I have definitely decided not to drink unless I am at home with my fiance or alone
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male
reader, anonymous, writes (20 April 2010): Infidelity is not only a problem when someone might find out about it. The fact that you did this sounds like a manifestation of how you are feeling towards your BF. I might compare it to a passive-aggressive thing. You could sweep it under the rug "to make things easier for everyone" today, but I don't think it's in the best interest of you or him to do that in the long run. Relationship problems this big won't go away when ignored. And ignoring them does nothing to prevent them from recurring either.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (20 April 2010): I normally tear into cheaters, but what you did is understandable. I'm not even sure I would call you a cheater. Couples that love eachother don't put the other one through agony because of their own selfish and stupid actions. It sounds to me like he is not part of a couple. It is not your job to support him through his issues. It is not your fault that he has the emotional problems that led him to whatever offense he committed. Gone to jail again? You have stuck with him long enough to see that he will not change. Forcing yourself to stay with him will only build resentment, and distance you further from him. Why are you punishing yourself? Do you feel as if you owe him something? You have stuck by him more than enough and he has shown that he doesnt care enough about you to seek the professional help that he needs, or to demonstrate the self control that he expects of you. I don't think it makes you a bad person to leave him. I think it makes you a self loving and respecting person. You deserve better. if the shoe were on the other foot, would he have satyed faithful as long as you did? Would he have even stuck around through the first time in jail?
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female
reader, toniaa  +, writes (20 April 2010):
 hi there.may i ask you a personal question? how can you stand by this man if you know what he has done? what i think about this is you are feeling lonely as you do not have your man around to comfort you if you have had a bad day or if your feeling down about work or what ever it may be but i do not agree that you slept with a work mate so in my mind this tells me that you do not love your partner as much as your saying you do. if this was me i would not be standing by my man if he did something like that but everybody are different towards sisuations like this i think that you should be open and honest with your partner before he comes out of jail so he has a bit of time to think about this and then he can make his own mind up about what he wants to do. and for your work mate he shouldnt have slept with you as he knows you are vunerable without your partner. get back to me if i have helped you in anyway
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (20 April 2010): obvisly you dont love him if your sleeping with someone else! tell him if you dont want to be with him xx
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female
reader, happy24birthday +, writes (20 April 2010):
 Do not tell him.
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