A
male
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:Guys would you marry a girl who was forced to do oral sex in her past?
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her past, oral sex Reply to this Question
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male
reader, x_Joe_x  +, writes (26 April 2009):
It's not your fault at all but if u were will to do it. it's diffrent
A
male
reader, Yos  +, writes (24 February 2009):
 You might be confusing yourself, connecting two mostly unrelated feelings.
The first is your dislike of what happened to her. Anytime you think about it, you're not going to feel good.
The second is that you are having doubts about marrying her. Which you clearly are. That's fine too, plenty of people have doubts about getting married.
But are you sure you're not using the first as an excuse for the second?
Maybe instead you are having doubts for other reasons (that you aren't clear on) and are blaming this on your feelings about the oral-sex incident? It's easy to blame this, given how unpleasant it was and how unpleasant your feelings around it are now.
The other possibility (I can see) is that your feelings about the incident are so unpleasant that you don't want to marry her because you don't want them to keep coming back. ie, it's your feelings that are the problem, not her.
If that's the case, you need to decide whether you really want to be with her.
If you don't, then break up and don't keep wasting her time. But, if you do want to stay with her, stop attaching those nasty feelings to her and learn to deal with them yourself. 'Own' them, rather than blaming her or doubting her. You can make a clear, definite, positive decision to move forward. Take it, then don't look back.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (20 February 2009): Tish The last time I bring it up to her was one and half years ago and she get upset because she don`t like to remembering the incident, so I don`t bring it up to her again. Even writing on this site for my curiosty I don`t let her know and I will not let her know that I write to dearcupid. I don`t want to cause her any pain about the past so I will not tell her about this ok.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (19 February 2009): I think that you actually care for her and that you are directing your anger and impotence at being unable to help in the wrong direction. I think you should talk lots to her, see what she thinks. she will want to forget. Not be reminded by you being so tense and stupid. you should end up feeling pity for him.
but why ask what we think ?- what is the right thing here? making her even more of a victim is not the answer.
Star.x.
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A
female
reader, Tisha-1  +, writes (19 February 2009):
 Thank you for the follow up. If you have known about this for several years and before you two became intimate, but the thought of it is so distressing to you, then I really do believe that you would benefit from some counseling. I am worried for her sake, that you will not be able to let this go, that your mind will not reach peace with this fact, and that it will become a detriment to your relationship and cause you still more pain, and even worse, cause her more pain and suffering.
It's not clear to me what another man's opinion in this case would matter to your relationship with her.
May I ask if you discuss this with her at all? When was the last time you mentioned it to her and how did the discussion go?
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A
male
reader, Gangster for life(Mavado)  +, writes (19 February 2009):
Father Advice you give a great message and advice to me, it seems to be working, because of your experience in that situation and the other posters give good points too.
This incident happens in 2005 and It didn`t bother me then. she told me about the incident before we get intimate.She told me about what happen about 4 years ago so I don`t understand why it keep coming up in my head. I am not mad at her is not her fault but I am mad at the guy that rape her. I know if I see that rapist I would have beat him but not kill him.
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A
male
reader, Fatherly Advice +, writes (19 February 2009):
 When I first answered this I was quite short because I thought the questioner needed to give us more information. Then later as I thought about it, I began to wonder if perhaps the original poster was looking for permission to force himself on some one. That worried me. Now the entire thread points in another direction and going back and reading the previous similar questions I see an insecurity problem. Are you (original poster) More worried about the quality of the relationship that you two might have together? Or, are you worried about how you will look, how much respect you will get from your peers. If you are worried about you, then you are not mature enough to get married, in my experienced opinion.
Now, To the rest of the Aunts and Uncles who have posted here. Very good advice. I seem to be the only one posting from the victim's partners point of view So I would like to finish answering the question. I am married to the victim of a sex crime. I do personally know the perpetrator. We have been married for over 25 years. I would say that our relationship is pretty normal. So it is possible, there is hope. There are two things that I think have made it work. First she never made a secret of it she told me about it at some time during our engagement. It must have been very hard for her. I never blamed her for what happened. Not even in my private inner thoughts. Second I forgave the man who did it to her. Truly and completely, I have no ill feelings towards him. I'm pretty sure my wife has too, tho for her it must have been much harder.
Everyone has a past, we all come with baggage, some people could not have done what I did. Love is all about putting someone else's needs before your own. I do hope that this has been more helpful than boring.
FA
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reader, anonymous, writes (19 February 2009): Well if you marry a girl, that means that you love her right? So if you love her, than what would that have to do with marrying her?
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A
female
reader, mothermother  +, writes (18 February 2009):
yeah as long as it wasnt you
she didnt ask to be raped, so really it seems unfair you even asked that.
if she was a rapest then think but she was a victim
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A
female
reader, Tisha-1 +, writes (18 February 2009):
Here are some links to questions that sound VERY similar (you might find the advice there useful too):
http://www.dearcupid.org/question/the-girl-i-like-was-forced-to-perform.html
http://www.dearcupid.org/question/guys-would-you-date-her-and-kiss-her.html
Hmmmm. Perhaps there is something else going on here that isn't immediately apparent to us?
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (18 February 2009): Hey, I know your story, you've been here for nearly a year, wondering if your girlfriend is good enough for you. Well you've started dating her, and it's still worrying you. Please don't marry her, if you haven't got over it by now, you'll never forget it or forgive her for being weak for the rest of your life. She fought back, she stabbed him, but that's still not good enough for you.
What the hell do you want of this woman? Why do you keep asking this question over and over again?
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (18 February 2009): Damn... poor girl.. forced by one man and judged by another.. it's a wonder she dosen't turn lesbian as women are far more kind to people who have been hurt like this. I hope you never suffer sexual abuse and have somebody want to turn you away... poor girl, leave her alone, one day a kind human being will show her what love is all about.
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reader, anonymous, writes (18 February 2009): Gumbbo she was physically force because at that time she was a virgin and didn`t want have sex with him she didn`t have any boyfriend a that time . So the guy said she must have either sex or oral sex with him. During the struggle she stab him with a pen on is leg, she said he get even angrier and phyiscal force her to do. that. She also says the guy said that he cannot be talking to a pretty girl and don`t try anything after he is no idiot. When he finish force her She said the alleged rapist said that he force other girls in the past and he got a broken hand for it by the girl brother.
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female
reader, Tisha-1 +, writes (18 February 2009):
If you are asking this question, then clearly it is an issue for you. Perhaps you could benefit from some counseling yourself; I trust that she has had some to help her come to terms with what happened to her. It would not be fair on her to punish her again for something that was forced upon her, and by that I mean going ahead and marrying her, but then reminding her everyday of what happened. You either come to grips with it yourself--and this means without forcing her to rehash this experience over and over again--or let her go so she can find someone who will not find forced sex in the past some kind of personal affront.
I wish you both well for the future.
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A
male
reader, gumbbo +, writes (18 February 2009):
In what way forced? Was she abused? If i was in love with her and trusted her i would marry her yes. How was she forced though?
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female
reader, kitty_3 +, writes (18 February 2009):
 i don't see why not. are you afraid of possible psychological scarring, or something? (on her part)
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reader, anonymous, writes (18 February 2009): Since you are using the word forced I am assuming this was very much against her will, so why would she now be not worthy of marriage. Is it suppose to be her fault? It sounds to me as if she has trusted you and confided in you and now you are trying to punish her for it. I would actually question your behavior more then hers. It sounds to me as if she has been through some trauma in her life and is reaching out for somebody to be supportive and understanding and show her love. She deserves it. I am not so sure you are the man for the job. Sorry, but I find this question to be very insulting since I myself have been raped.
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A
male
reader, Fatherly Advice +, writes (18 February 2009):
Yes, I did.
FA
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A
male
reader, Ed1337 +, writes (18 February 2009):
 Yeah, that's not really a reason not to marry someone, if she was forced to do it then it's hardly her fault and it's in the past anyway.
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