A
female
age
41-50,
*edecrem
writes:I've been in a complicated relationship with a guy. We met 3 1/2 years ago. It's been crazy and unhealthy, but I could use some help to figure this guy out. Firstly, we met and he was with someone else. I knew that. They were having a bunch of problems, and there was abuse, etc. I just came out of an abusive relationship, so we had many similarities. We also shared many interests. She was pregnant, I didn't know that. He wasn't ready to be a father. Then, he moved away to try to save his family, ok. It is so complicated, because he and I really do love each other in some way, i feel a real love for him, respect. It is platonic/intellectual, but also romantic. It's confusing and hard to explain. We are compatible in many ways, but maybe not in others? But...he changes. I'm confused by him. I've tried to figure out if he has mental illness, or a personality disorder. He was raised Mormon, in a dysfunctional family I believe. He used drugs when he was a teen, got into heroin, has addiction problems. Obviously cheating problems. Yet, he's been going to college (that's where we met), and will graduate with a bachelor's soon. He had another child with the woman he was with, though he isn't with her anymore--at least, not living with her-- and he's even asked himself why did he have another child with her. Yet, he talks about co-parenting. I tried to be wise to his games, whether conscious or not. So, he was into Buddhism when I was, and we looked at life the same way - also with some traditional view of family, children, since I also have a child. We had no contact for 6 months because I could not talk to him anymore, because i kept getting hurt and just had it, with him lying to me, and being with yet someone else. Then he contacts me and tells me he misses me, and more, which I ignored at first, knowing all of this. But we began talking again, I thought maybe he had changed and was serious about being with me - but I've gotten what I consider so many mixed messages from him - he has said some crazy things like he's confused, doesn't know who he's with or where he's going with his life. I've tried to figure if we should just be friends or not, because there are some real positives to our relationship, and we have been unhappy without each other, the 6 months. Then, tells me now he's going to go back to the Mormon church, (after years of rejecting it), after talking to his mother who is old and has cancer, and his daughter is baptized. This, just after a phone conversation he had with his mother. He changes so much.I just am having a hard time right now, seeing inconsistencies from him. He's responsible and traditional, yet he also talks about wanting to be homeless and traveling the world that way. Then, he's into music that is connected to drugs, and, spirituality, and strange far-out there things. yet now - back to the Mormon church? He acts mature, then immature. he told me he is confused. Writing this makes me think that he just has too many problems and that is sad to me...we really connect and get many benefits from talking to each other. Yet there are so many walls - for a relationship that may never be real. Sometimes it seems like it can be. I have this vision of home, family, and children with him, and other possibilities. We both feel possibilities with each other. I know I was more mature before, and serious about these kinds of things, and saw this from the beginning - but the feeling of love has had me think to be open past those boundaries. I wish I could just figure this out. Can someone help me?
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male
reader, firstlovelastlove  +, writes (19 February 2011):
 I know some people who have had an on again off again relationship with the mormon church for more than 40 years. I know some people who have left the mormon church and get nothing but grief from their mormon siblings and parents. I also know some people who have left the mormon church and went on to live "happily ever after". The point is, in and of itself, with the mormon issue comes the probability of him spending a great deal of his life both sending and receiving "mixed messages".
The mormon culture also teaches and endorses a family structure wherein the male dominates.
Every relationship has a give and take element to it. I think the trick is to go into a relationship knowing as much as possible beforehand. If you are all right with these things then I wish you all the best. Love conquers all.
A
female
reader, sedecrem +, writes (19 February 2011):
sedecrem is verified as being by the original poster of the questioni thought it was unconditional love. though it could have been codependency, or, that he is a narcissist.
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A
female
reader, sedecrem +, writes (19 February 2011):
sedecrem is verified as being by the original poster of the questionyes, thank you, i feel i have wasted too much time and messed up my life. i think this guy is possibly a narcissist, and i met him right after i came out of another bad relationship. i am more intelligent than this, but i thought it was real love, and some of the beliefs i had picked up from "higher consciousness" fit - love, compassion, understanding, being human, no boundaries, etc. oh my.
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A
female
reader, MissVee  +, writes (19 February 2011):
Life is far too short to have to spend the whole lot of it babysitting somebody else!
Carrying around your own problems is heavy enough, so why would you possibly want to burden yourself, essentially doubling the weight you carry on your shoulders, by also willingly carrying around someone else's?
You say that you are/were into Buddhism. You no doubt understand that attachment can be unhealthy. Let go and live your own life. Let this man seek some other babysitter.
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A
male
reader, Myau  +, writes (19 February 2011):
 It's easy really.Say goodbye and move on. Serously, how much BS are you going to put up with before you realise it just isnt going to happen.This is the classic mistake everyone makes, your trying to force something that doesnt exist. So you have waisted 3 and half years on him, 1 month was enough.
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