A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:I have been in this relationship for 3 plus years. The relationship is quite intense and we connect at a deep, soulful level.Unfortunately, A couple months ago, my partner moved cross country to seek work. He found a job and settled there.While we were together in the same town, we were living together, we had discussed marriage, and even the prospect of my moving out there. But ever since he has moved away, our relationship status and expectations have not been clear and i feel I am getting mixed messages.He is inconsistent. He doesnt return phone calls, sometimes for days, he rarely expresses his love or feelings. There was even a time that i was in the Emergency room and he wouldnt respond to calls or texts. I feel that this makes him not dependable as the situation is. Since he was away, i did go out to visit him, he was rather expressive of his feelings until half way through the visit, he said he had to distance himself b/c he would get used to my being there and feel very lonely and miss me when I am gone. Is this a clue to his current behavior? Is the distance just too painful for him? I am not the type that needs to define a relationship, but i do find i am at crossroads right now. It is a possibility to move cross country and be closer to him. I dont want to pressure him. Should I just ask him what he is thinking? or wait and see how things shape up?I know long distance relationships are difficult and this is new for me too.
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Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (16 May 2011): Yes, tell him how you are feeling and ask how he is feeling. It is only by being open with each other that you can sort this out.
A
male
reader, CaringGuy  +, writes (16 May 2011):
I wouldn't sit there waiting for things to 'shape up'. This is turning into a serious problem in your relationship, and I think you need to tell him that so you can decide what to do about it.
It sounds like you are both struggling with the distance, and you need to talk about it. I think if you were living together when he lived with you in your town, that perhaps you may need to consider going out there to where he lives. I think that's the only way this will work out to be honest. But make sure f you do move, you really want to, because it will mean leaving a lot behind. A move this big is a huge commitment. So talk to him and make sure it's something you both really want to do.
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A
female
reader, Eyespy17 +, writes (16 May 2011):
I'm glad I found this question. I am going thru a very similar situation.
In your case, you've been together 3 years, was there a discussion before he made the decision to move. Or did he decide it on his own and then tell you? Has he ever asked you to move out there?
The answer to those two questions would be very telling about where his head is truly at.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (16 May 2011): There is absolutely nothing wrong with defining a relationship. It gives both parties a clear understanding of the boundaries and expectations so each one can invest accordingly. Not wanting to define a relationship is usually motivated by one of two things; wanting someone to stick around while you decide if they're worth keeping or until something better comes along OR a fear of appearing clingy. In your case I suspect the latter. Get over that fear and learn to express what you really want.
As for his distance, I have to agree with you. Moving to a new place opens up new possibilities that a relationship might hinder, be they romantic or otherwise. Do not make any plans to relocate until you have sorted this out. There should be no lingering doubts in your mind when you take such a bold step.
Send him an email telling him what you think of all this. This is preferable to a phone call because it allows him some time to examine his own thoughts before responding. A phone call requires an immediate answer. He'll feel cornered and you'll be more sensitive to changes in tone or pauses that are too long.
I specifically suggested you tell him what you THINK as opposed to how you feel. The reason for this is that feelings are not associated with logic and therefore some of your valid points could be sidestepped and dismissed as 'irrational' or 'overly sensitive' if he doesn't feel like addressing them.
Good luck.
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A
female
reader, adamantine  +, writes (16 May 2011):
 You have to ask yourself whether or not you're prepared to do the long distance thing. You also should talk about it with him too.
Ultimately, you'd want to close the distance with either him moving back, or you moving over there to be with him. The only thing in question now is when.
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