A
male
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:Hi all,I went on a first date with a girl last night. We met on a dating website. I am unsure what to do next. She was a nice girl and I think the date went well. It was comfortable and conversation flowed. She said at the end that it felt like she’d known me for a long time which I presume is a good thing!But the issue is, I just don’t know if I fancied her. I liked her but there was no obvious spark. She messaged when she got home to say thank you and that she’d had a good night. But she was a nice polite girl so I know she would have said that regardless. But there was no x at the end. We have exchanged a few messages today without x’s. Just smiles etc. but I can’t tell if that’s reading too much into it. We’re both mid 30’s so maybe just outside the text talk generation :)So my issue is, do I try to see if she wants to go in another date. I have a habit of jumping into the first relationship that comes my way (and I’ve had girlfriends who weren’t as pleasant as her) so I don’t want to waste anyone’s time - hers and mine. I am aware that there doesn’t have to be soarks for things to work but is it leading someone on to arrange a second date when not sure?The other issue is that during the interim of asking her and then going on the date, I was offered a job abroad. I don’t think I’m taking this job but it has opened my mind to the possibility. If there is even an opportunity I might leave should I stop things now? I mentioned in both our previous texts and on the date about it so there was nothing hidden. We were very open. But we have still been talking today, I presume both of waiting to make a move one way or the other and wondering why it hasn’t been brought up. Is there a standard etiquette for this situation? Is a second date an ok idea? I genuinely liked her enough to at least want to be friends so that’s maybe why I’m wanting a second date. But I’m just not sure at the moment...Any advice is greatly appreciated!Thanks in advance!
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move on, spark, text Reply to this Question
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reader, anonymous, writes (15 October 2018): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionHi everyone. Just a quick update. We are still occasionally messaging but I think the interest has inevitably drifted. Thank you for your insightful and helpful advice all!
A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (6 October 2018): Hi OP. Have you ever heard this saying?
"Never give up on something that you can't go a day without thinking about." (Sir Winston Churchill).
My advice would be to stop with the texting and actually talk to her. You have no idea what she is thinking; it is impossible from texting.
Here's another one for you, "Nothing ventured, nothing gained."
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reader, anonymous, writes (5 October 2018): I think you're a bit mature for being her texting-buddy or pen-pal.
She likes telling you about her day, but cancels dates. That's too flaky. It's like she's keeping in-touch just in-case she has nothing better to do. Don't be the stand-by guy! She has canceled too many dates to be taken seriously.
You're being jerked around.
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reader, anonymous, writes (3 October 2018): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThanks wiseowl. I didn’t mean to imply I will still be persuing but she still texts me about her day etc and has said ‘it feels like I’ve known you for a long time’, which implied to me that maybe she’d be happy to be friends.
But you’re right, I shan’t push it more than it should be :)
Thanks!
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reader, anonymous, writes (3 October 2018): My advice. Stop asking! She's trying to give you the brush-off; and you can't seem to take a hint. Or maybe you won't?
Nobody continuously cancels dates; unless they don't want to see you. Pretending to believe her just for the sake of persistently pursuing her, doesn't reflect well on you.
Move on, my friend!
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reader, anonymous, writes (3 October 2018): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionWell... She was ill so it was cancelled. I have no reason to believe she was lying so won't contemplate that :) But I have tried to arrange another date and she was busy. She didn't suggest another time herself so, whilst I still attempt to meet up on a social basis, I feel time is making things dwindle somewhat naturally. The search continues! :)
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A
female
reader, aunt honesty  +, writes (1 October 2018):
 So how did your second date go?
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reader, anonymous, writes (26 September 2018): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionHi all, thank you for your responses. I ended up suggesting we meet again. I feel we have been chatting in a pleasant manner over text and it would do no harm to meet up and at least try to be friends. If there is more to it then great.Ironically we arranged but postponed due to illness. I believe she was genuinely ill as I was too :) busy schedules have meant it still hasn’t happened but hopefully later this week. Thanks again all for taking the time to write!
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A
female
reader, Youcannotbeserious +, writes (22 September 2018):
 Given your unsuccessful approach to relationships in the past (jumping into relationships which have obviously not worked out), perhaps it is time to take a more "measured" approach and get to know someone well as a person before deciding if there is any merit it taking things further.
I would certainly go on a second date. It is not "wasting time". It is dating, which involves getting to know someone in order to decide if there is any future for you as a couple. One or both of you may decide, after another date or two, that this is not right for you, in which case you simply move on.
Perhaps a little less over-thinking might help as well? Why would she put kisses on the end of texts to someone she has been out on one date with?
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (22 September 2018): i think there are some very judgemental aunties on here things aren't always so cut and dry. Take her out one more time and you will know after this time if theres any sparks or not. If no sparks then say goodbye nicely but u never know u might fancy her this time so give it a shot u have nothing to lose , one more date isnt wasting anyones time!
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reader, anonymous, writes (21 September 2018): [EDIT]
Corrections:
"If she does get upset; then she's quite desperate. You both have to be on the same page. One meeting isn't enough to hang too much feeling onto. You're just too iffy about it to waste any more of her time."
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reader, anonymous, writes (21 September 2018): If you have to mull over things so much, maybe you just didn't hit it off.
You shouldn't feel guilty if the date just didn't spark the chemistry you were looking for. She's a mature and reasonable adult. If so many questions arise in your mind on what you should or shouldn't do? I think you simply don't want to hurt her feelings. I sense your real question is how to politely back-out without hurting her feelings?
There may not be a way to move on without hurting her feelings; but there is a polite and respectful way. You should call her, and ask her how the date really went for her. Let her response set the tone.
Explain you're not sure if this is exactly what you're looking for; and you also have some career decisions pending. Listen carefully to how she responds. Whether there is a sigh of relief, or a sense of disappointment.
It was only one date; and if it didn't send any sparks her way, I think she'd like to be left off the hook. Don't assume she'll fall apart. If she does get upset; then she's quite desperate, You both have to be on the same page. One meeting isn't enough to hang too much feeling onto. You're just to iffy about it to waste any more of her time.
I myself would have made a decision based on a second-date. You said there was no spark, so why waste her time?
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (21 September 2018): When I dated long ago .. I went with the view that it was just friends and getting to know the other person. So why not do the same .. sometimes as with me .. love comes later without being forced .and good communication is a good start if you just say hey wanta go on date number I really like getting to know you ..
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A
female
reader, Honeypie  +, writes (21 September 2018):
 I agree with Cindy,
If you wanted a second date, you would have asked her already.
IF you can find ONE women you "sort of" click with... you can find another. That is what dating is for, fine-tuning your search for a mate/partner.
That way BOTH you and her are free to look elsewhere.
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A
female
reader, CindyCares  +, writes (21 September 2018):
 If you don't know whether you want a second date or not- then you don't really want a second date.
If you really had a wish for a second date, right now you would be already planning this second date and asking the girl out , rather than asking us what to do.
Sure, the " spark " is not a deep connection- it's about chemistry. Well.. chemistry is an excellent place where to start from :). Of course then you have to go and see if you also have compatible personalities , values, interests.. if a relationship within you would be sustainable in practice. But without that initial spark, or chemistry, or attraction, I think the best you can hope is a friendship, not a romantic relationship.Of course there's nothing wrong in making a new friend, that's great in fact. But I have my doubts that a girl who goes on a date with someone found on a site ( to which she has signed up looking for a relationship , for someone to date ! ) would be much interested in making time for a new platonic pal. Otherwise she would have used, not a dating site, but a " friends only" site.
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A
female
reader, Blod +, writes (21 September 2018):
 I think a second date would make sense. You've only met her once. I imagine a second date would clarify how you feel about her. It's not wasting time. It's just working out if this girl is worth pursuing.
If you're used to sparks on a first date and then end up rushing into a relationship that never works out, then maybe you've been going into relationships based on lust. That's good to get things started, but you can't build a long-term relationship on it. You need friendship too.
So if you genuinely like this girl and are looking for a relationship, I think she'd be worth a second chance. But if you're just not feeling it the second time around, leave it.
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A
male
reader, N91 +, writes (21 September 2018):
 If you didn’t feel anything major then it’s not a great sign. I think the fact that you’re having to ask for advice is whether to go on a second date says it all.
You wouldn’t be able to wait to ask her on a second date if this situation had potential. You said you were open with each other so why not continue it, tell her that you had a nice time but you don’t see anything romantic here. I think she will appreciate you being honest and not stringing her along.
I’d keep searching if I were you.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (21 September 2018): Go on the second date, you're unsure still so what have you got to lose?
I don't personally think sparks have to fly the minute you meet someone, that is lust, if it ends up where all it feels is friendship she is old enough to work it out and come to that conclusion herself.
A casual date won't hurt
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