A
male
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:A good friend of mine is very upset. She had accepted a promotion with her company to move to Florida. Her husband is a pilot for a major airline and also made arrangements to relocate to Florida. So my friend went through the process to buy a house and give her notice at her previous position. However just before it came time to move, she told me her husband backed out and said he didn’t want to relocate. She had to cancel everything, no promotion, no move to Florida, because her husband didn’t want to go. She’s very upset about this and is asking me about it. I don’t know what to tell her. When I asked her why he backed out of moving, she told me he said he didn’t want to make the long commute to his airport in Florida. That really didn’t make sense to me. Does anyone have any advice for me so that I can help her? Thank you Reply to this Question
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (24 September 2018): Glad I might have helped. Because if he's fine with crushing her career like that, for no good reason, I see no other explanation.
A
reader, anonymous, writes (24 September 2018): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThank you anonymous, that was a very interesting perspective on abuse. I had not thought of that. Thank you for sharing your experience.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (22 September 2018): Abusive men pull stunts like this. It does feel exactly as if someone has pulled the rug out from under you. That's exactly how I used to describe being with my abusive ex. They also don't like their partners working, because they would rather that they were dependent on them. They will often not actually say anything, but pull stunts to jeopardise their careers/jobs. Had the same kind of thing happen to me. He was outwardly supportive of my career, so no-one would suspect, but pulling the rug out behind the scenes, whenever he could. I could be wrong of course, there's not much to go on, but it's what it sounds like to me. It makes no sense otherwise. Makes perfect sense if he is abusive. Maybe suggest she reads up on abuse and see if she recognises any other behaviour? Or ask her if he's ever done anything like this before, that makes no sense? Because if I'm right...and he is abusive....then he sounds pretty bad.
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A
female
reader, Youcannotbeserious  +, writes (22 September 2018):
 Just noticed you are male so have to add that males typically (although not always) feel they have to "fix" problems, whereas females often just need someone to listen and acknowledge their feelings and frustrations.
A word of caution: don't get drawn into offering the wrong sort of support. This friend is married. She is upset with her husband. Tread carefully.
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A
female
reader, Youcannotbeserious +, writes (22 September 2018):
Don't make the mistake of thinking you need to give advice to be supportive. As you (and we) don't know WHY her husband changed his mind, none of us are in a position to give any advice.
You are already being supportive. Let her talk. Agree that it is puzzling that her husband has behaved in this way. If she is upset about the incident hampering future prospects of promotion in her company, she may have to find a job with a different company and start again with a clean slate.
You are already being a good friend. Don't feel you have to "fix" this for her, because you can't.
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A
male
reader, Billy Bathgate +, writes (22 September 2018):
Yes stay out of it. This is between her and her husband.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (22 September 2018): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThanks guys, trust me, I dont want to get in the middle of other people’s battles, I have enough problems as it is. But friendship is about support for each other. I think the whole reason she told me this is because she’s upset. The guy knew what his circumstances were going to be and then pulls the rug out at the last minute. I don’t think that makes sense to her and it certainly doesnt make sense to me. Now her professional reputation is damaged and her chances of ever advancing in the company are slim to none after this event. I make a choice to believe what my friends tell me is the truth. If she’s deceiving or perhaps not telling everything, it would be the first time I’ve heard of it. I don’t make a habit of prying, she volunteers these things so I listen and she even thanked me for listening. I just feel bad for her which is why I wanted to get other people’s opinions on this. Thank you
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A
female
reader, Honeypie +, writes (21 September 2018):
 I agree with WiseOwlE
This is a marital "dispute" and between THEM to sort out.
There can be things she omitted or glossed over to make her side sound more like she is the "victim" and her husband the bad guy.
And the subject... IT IS something they will have to sort out themselves.
Moving is a BIG decision that both parties in a marriage need to be 100% on board with and work together to promote. And the little you wrote (that she told you) it sounded like it was something SHE wanted and he didn't really support it or "stamp" it out.
As for the distance the husband complained about.. well, there COULD be validity to that.
All you can do as a friend is listen to her.
I know many guys think they have to FIX every problem they are hearing about, but this one... you need to let it be. She goes home and start an argument with her husband because YOU agreed with her and told her what to do... YOU become a problem for the husband, a "competitor" and that can lead down some not so nice path you had no intentions of going down.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (21 September 2018): [EDIT]
"As many OP's come here with a one-sided story."
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (21 September 2018): I think you should stay neutral and let them work it out. You don't want to be pulled into marital-disagreements. It makes you a better friend to be supportive, but to respect their privacy. What can you do about it anyway? It's her marriage! This is far too sticky to involve yourself in.
There is a time that you refrain from offering a friend your advice. This is one of them. You might only add fuel to the fire; when you don't know anymore about what's going on, than what she tells you. We advise people here, but we aren't as close to the matter as you are. We're not able to influence so directly; nor have to face the possible backlash.
Most OP's have their minds made up when they come here; but we aren't there to choose sides like you are. You could turn the drama into a triangle that you can't back out of. If you were to intervene on domestic-violence or abuse, that's one thing. This is too private and potentially volatile for you to stick your nose into. He might decide to punch it!
She has yet to determine herself what his full reasoning is for that abrupt last-minute decision. You don't know if she is being fully honest with you. A long commute may be the reason he gave; but that doesn't mean that's the only reason. Let her deal with it, and don't take this upon your shoulders. Empathy is sufficient.
Your best advice would be, keep talking to him; and see if you can both make more sense of why he would pull the rug out from under her in such a way? Only he knows why for sure, and only she has a right to find out what it is.
In matters involving marriage and relationships; our friends don't always disclose all of the underlying facts or details when they want us to be on their side. As many OP's come her with a one-sided story. You're on the outside looking in; so comfort and support her, but don't add to the conflict. What if you gave her the wrong advice, and ruined her marriage? How could you reverse or fix that?
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