A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:My fiance continues to talk with his ex. I believe it is her that initiates the contact. I've read his emails to find this out. She says things like, I miss you more than ever and I miss you so much I could puke. It has been 3 years since they have had a relationship!It was a 6 month long distance relationship before we met. They met only 1 time in person. (They met in person just a week after me and him met.) He lied to me about it. He told me she was just a friend coming to visit. He didn't call me the whole time she was in town. I knew something was weird. He continued to talk with her long distance for nearly 6 months behind my back. She had no idea that I existed. And I had no idea theyre relationship was so intense. He had tickets to visit her, but after dating me for 6 months, he finally came clean and told me he wasn't going to go and he felt awful for lying to me.He said he didn't tell her about me cause he didn't want to hurt her feelings and she was dealing with a tragic death of her sister.I told him that he needed to figure stuff out and to call me when he was sure that he could be honest with me.He came back and begged for my forgiveness. I trust him, as much as I am capable of. He made it seem like she was way more into him than he was to her. I believe this is true. But obviously they have a strong connection and will never stop writing each other. Given the circumstances, I wish they would never speak again. My biggest fear is she comes to town, he doesn't tell me, sees her and I find out.So now we are engaged. I am afraid that these letters she writes to him will eventually wear him down and cause him to cheat.Am I insane to even be with him? Can I give him conditions, like if he ever sees her, we will be getting a divorce? Given the situation, should I even be considering marriage?When I think about the past, sometimes I feel like our whole relationship is based on lies. I am too embarrassed to tell anyone this even my friends. Even though this person is on the other side of the globe, I still feel cheated on.I know he can not prevent her from writing or still loving him thoght he tells me he will not cut her off. They will always be friends and I have to deal with it or leave. He doesn't tell me about the emails and I think that is what hurts the most. I appreciate any advice!
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divorce, engaged, fiance, his ex, long distance Reply to this Question
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female
reader, stephanie,jayne  +, writes (1 February 2010):
You have every right to give him conditions!! what he has done is just as bad as cheating, if not worse!! You should be the only woman for him and if he cant cut a girl he has only met once and will probably never see again out his life then he isnt worth your love!! Tell him that your leaving him because you think he still has feelings for this girl and that you wont be second best to anyone! its not fair of him to keep contact with this girl without you being ok with it! DO NOT marry this man, if he isnt willing to compromise now and make sacrifices then your marriage isnt going to last, if he loved you with all his heart he would cut all contact with this girl for you!! Get rid of him now before he hurts you even more than he already is!! xx
A
reader, anonymous, writes (31 January 2010): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionI wanted to say thank you for the helpful advice. I confronted him. He says he will be writing her tonight to tell her to stop the emails. I will be reading the letter to be sure he is being firm enough. I am pleased by our conversation and he seems to really understand that by responding to her letters is just perpetuating things and deceitful to me.
I really appreciate the service you do in helping people with their problems and thank you all again for taking the time to respond to my issue.
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A
female
reader, Sugarbuns  +, writes (31 January 2010):
 Basschick gives good advice, but also after you've given him plenty of time to handle the situation, and he still doesn't, well then you have access to his e-mail account obviously, why don't YOU e-mail her (posing to be him) and tell her all about the engagement to the wonderful woman he's been seeing for the past 6-8 months and then after you hit the "Send" button, simply go in and "Block" her address so he will no longer receive her messages. You have him warning. Now it's time to get down to business.
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A
female
reader, Basschick +, writes (31 January 2010):
 He needs to chose. You or her. If he chooses you, and obviously seems to since you are engaged to him, then he MUST tell her that he is engaged to someone else and to stop contacting him immediately. Then sit back and see if he does. If their messages continue, it's time to break off the engagement and move on. He is not over his ex. If he does write her and tell her about the engagement and ask her to stop contacting him, then you may feel like you have a future with him. But for awhile you'll have to keep an eye on his e-mails to see if he goes back on his word. He seems very wishy-washy in my opinion, like he really hasn't made up his mind about either one of you.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (31 January 2010): I really feel for you because I have been in a similar situation.
I think contact with his ex is unfair on you. You are in a serious relationship with this guy, possibly getting married. He has already lied to you, and is doing so again with the emails.
My advice would be to confront him, tell him if he doesn't cut off all contact with this woman then you are leaving. An ex should not be in contact with your man full stop. You should flip the situation round then see how he feels about that. There shouldn't even be an issue over this, he should know that you are his number one priority.
Honestly you sound like you deserve better. X
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A
male
reader, CaringGuy +, writes (31 January 2010):
You're much better off moving on from him now. His contact with his ex is really quite cruel, since he seems to be stringing her along a lot and she certainly isn't over him. And he hasn't said anything about you to her. You're right, what happens if one day she comes to town? Seems to me like you're walking into a bit of a mess to be honest.
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A
male
reader, Griffo +, writes (31 January 2010):
 He is obviously a man who is too weak to close the book on past relationships. I would not consider marriage untill you feel in your heart that you are one hundred percent sure he is the one for you and you trust him with your life.
But he lied to you. This is a bad sign, especially if it involves another woman! Don't be weak and let him weave around another woman.
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