A
male
age
41-50,
*vanejp1980
writes:I was with my ex-fiance/girlfriend for nearly 4.5 years. Our relationship was very up and down, and I believe I never could make her happy. In fact, I don't think she's a very happy person at all. When we met, we were friends, her then 4 month husband was in iraq. Supposedly she found a lot of things that made her believe he cheated. I liked her, but stood on the line because I didn't want to get in the way of her decision on what to do. It didn't last long, and then we started sleeping together most of the time. I fell in love with her, and she really didn't know what to do. Eventually she decided to leave him, and then is where the problems started to arise. She wanted space and wanted to regrow her own life. I wanted a relationship, but looking back I was a rebound (or so I think.). We stayed together for years, and she had been pushing me to marry her. I had a custom ring made especially for her, and it was expensive.Last may we started arguing, and she was lying about what she was doing, etc. She started hanging out with a single man, sleeping with him, etc, just as we had done in the beginning, however she was lying to me the entire time about it. I speculated that she was cheating, and started watching closer. She quit wearing the engagement ring, and started telling people the wedding was off. I, in fact, heard it from other people (her mom) that I need to be careful as she may be cheating (otherwise what she was doing was seen as immoral) and that she was considering breaking up. I of course was devistated, and tried to talk to her, but when I had the chances, she was always with the other guy. One night I blew up and asked for the rings back. That was last May.Over the next few months, I was still trying to talk to her (which was probably a mistake, looking back) and eventually she considered getting back, only for me to find out that she became interested after she had a huge fight with the new guy. Things were great, and we talked about marriage, etc. She left to go to school, and I tried to keep the conversation up, and eventually it turned into arguments as she wasn't interested. The arguments became daily, and eventually she broke it off with me stating she couldn't be in a relationship at all. Six weeks later I found out she was now engaged to a new guy, a professor at her school twice her age. The real problem starts here:While home she went to the jewellers, and apparently "forgot" that the rings were there. I'm sure it brought up some hard feelings for her, as I cant stand to look at them since I still love her. Now she wants them back, stating they were a gift and that they belong to her (8 months after she returned them to me). She was married twice before, neither lasting more than 2 years, and she had attempted to sell the engagement rings before, but neither would have yielded much in return. She knows how much our engagment ring is worth, so I believe she will try to sell it.the woman is very manipulative, lied consistantly, cheated, and accused me of stalking her, when I can prove I couldn't have. Even with this, we had some great times, and a part of me misses her greatly. I always hoped that we could fix some of our issues, and move on. I certainly made my fair share of mistakes, and I admit that I lied several times in an attempt to get her attention. I want to do the right thing here, I do feel like I was used, but I also know that I made some poor choices by lying to her. I have the rings for sale because I need the money to pay off some debt.What should I do? Should I return the rings to her, even though she cheated, etc. Should I write her and appologize for lying? I feel like I would be wasting my time since obviously I didn't mean that much to her, if after 4 years she moves into a new relationship 6 weeks after final breakup and now is getting married in 3 months.
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debt, engaged, fell in love, money, move on, my ex, stalking, wedding Reply to this Question
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Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
male
reader, Honest Answer +, writes (18 January 2010):
 By law, a ring is a contract. It is a gift in conteplation of marriage. If there was no marriage, the ring is returned. If there is a marriage, the ring belongs to the woman (no matter why the relationship was disolved). See the ring. Stay away from pawn shops, they will only give you gold weight prices.
Good Luck!
Jeff
A
female
reader, LaraC  +, writes (18 January 2010):
The law varies depending on which state you are in.
States' decisions on returning engagement rings can be grouped into four types. The first group of states considers the ring a conditional gift. A conditional gift is one that does not become final until a condition is met. That condition is usually the wedding. Fault may be considered under this rule, so that a man who calls off an engagement may not get the ring back unless the woman has misbehaved or been unfaithful.
Other states have a no-fault rule and will not consider fault at all.
The third type of state applies the implied gift rule, which means that the man cannot get the ring back if he breaks up the engagement, but a woman who breaks an engagement must return the ring.
The last type of state applies the unconditional gift rule, which holds that an engagement ring is a like every other gift and the gift is final at the moment the ring is given.
Personally I don't think you should return the ring.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (18 January 2010): she returned the ring to you. it is yours to do with as you please.
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A
female
reader, Bethany42 +, writes (18 January 2010):
It sounds as if this has been a turbulent relationship from the start, and coming for a foundation of cheating it is unfortunately not surprising that the cheating has continued. I can be very hard when you still love someone to move on from that love and the situation with the rings will only be making that harder.
In my opinion I would say that you should keep the ring but sell it quickly so that you not only have the financial worry off your shoulders but also the emotional attachment that they represent. From reading what you have written I would say you feel the same why deep down.
As for writing to her, you said yourself that you don't think it would do much good. I think any response you get will only make things more difficult for you. You might consider writing all the things you want to say to her and then NOT sending it. getting it all out will make you feel better, and help you to get closer on the whole relationship.
As to the future I would say, go out and have fun! Don't focus on a new relationship just enjoy yourself, relax with your friends and put this woman out of your mind.
Hope this helps you find happiness,
Bethany
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A
female
reader, old-spinstah +, writes (18 January 2010):
Normally I'd say that the girl has the option to keep her ring although it's "polite" to give it back. It IS a gift but it's meant to symbolise the promise you made to each other.
However, she had that option 8 months when you first broke up and she decided to return them. She can't change her mind 8 months later once she's found out what they're worth. I presume she understood what she was doing when she gave the rings back to you?
The fact that she's asking for it back when she's engaged to someone else shows she's a player and totally self absorbed. I know you still have feelings for her but she has none for you (only for herself) It's best that she's no longer part of your life.
As for the rings. Sell the damn things! And spend some of the money treating yourself. I'm sure you deserve it.
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A
female
reader, meg2989 +, writes (18 January 2010):
 Actually the rings were a not a gift, but a symbol of marriage. You bought them for her because you wanted to MARRY her, and that did not happen. You bought them, they are your rings, and based on the conditions of the relationship, they were not a gift. While I do agree it was wrong of you to lie to her, and it really was, don't feel like you have to give the rings back because "you owe it to her," you don't. My boyfriend actually went through, sort of the same thing with his ex-fiancee. They were together for four years, then as it turned out, he found out she had been cheating on him with a coworker for the last three months of their relationship. He had to fight to get the rings back, and while he did get them back she withheld the card of authenticity and so he had to sell them for much less. But in the end he was glad for the situation to be over, she really did him in. Anyways, I hope that helps for whatits worth best wishes to you, I know you can find someone else that treats you like you deserve.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (18 January 2010): Absolutely do not give her back the rings. She does not deserve them, she was never faithful to you or her former husband or probably any other man.
Why reward bad behavior in a person who is so manipulitive? She deserves consequences just like everyone else for their mistreatment of others.
You didn't do anything wrong by taking the rings back and putting them up for sale. It doesn't even seem to me that she ever accepted your marriage proposal.
She was the one responsible for breaking it off, not you, therefore those rings belong to you, not her.
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A
male
reader, CaringGuy +, writes (18 January 2010):
Tell her to get stuffed. I don't' care what she says, but no way in hell would I let a woman like this try to rip me off like she is. You may have lied to her, but this woman is just bad news. End all contact. As for the rings, if you have debts, use them instead. Since she was the one who broke the engagement off, she broke the promise of marriage to you. Don't give in to her.
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