A
male
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:Girls have you ever approached a guy and had him reject you? I am not talking about being dumped. I am talking about when you first meet a guy, you put yourself out there and ask him out and he shoots you down.I have this theory. Most girls seem to think they understand men, I think they don't understand men at all. The reason? Men are expected to do most of the approaching. I think most girls have never really approached a guy, and if they have, they usually do not get rejected because the guy is flattered. Because of this women, never really understand rejection, or fear of rejection and do not realize how much skill and effort it takes for guys to get good at approaching. I have always said that a lot of guys get rejected the first few times the approach a girl when they are 12 or 13, and they are shocked by how much they get hurt, women do not have this experience as part of growing up. It is much safer to "wait for him to make the first move" than risk getting hurt by putting yourself out there.Am I right or am I wrong?Girls have you ever approached a guy and been rejected? If so did it bother you or not? Also, how old were you at the time of your first rejection? Reply to this Question
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female
reader, Gabrielle Stoker +, writes (13 July 2011):
 Oh yes, more times than I wish to recall. Usually it's by 'nice' guys who don't want anything to do with a girl who has a reputation like mine. I suppose in percentage terms it's not that many, but in absolute numbers, yes, I've been rejected a fair bit in the hook-up game.
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female
reader, Tyedyedturtle +, writes (13 July 2011):
 Your theory is pretty flawed. I've approached guys and been rejected many times. It started around the age of 14 when I wanted to start dating and continued until the wonderful year of 20. I do understand rejection and the fear of it. I even stopped dating for a year because of it. Sure, there are likely girls who have always been desirable and have never been rejected, but there are just as many who have been rejected. Junk science theory, sir.
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reader, anonymous, writes (13 July 2011): I agree with you that socially girls are expected to wait for a guy to take interest in them. But, you'd be surprised how some men react to the woman taking interest in them. Many men who claim they would love a woman taking a direct interest in them, in fact are threatened by it. Perhaps it could be my skills, but many just assume if you flirt with them or ask to see them, then you're easy.
And we do get rejected. Perhaps not in a catty way....but I've been through the experience of having a couple seemingly good dates or flirtations with a guy and then he disappears of the face of the earth. That's perhaps the most common male rejection I've seen. In fact, I've seen it so much, that if a guy asks for my number at this point, I'm no longer surprised if he doesn't use it...and I'm not hurt about either. Some guys just aren't serious about meeting people.
Some are, but there are a lot of guys out there who take a momentary interest in women, flirt with women, even ask them for the number just to stroke their own egos, not because they want to meet you...
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female
reader, Tisha-1 +, writes (13 July 2011):
 The one that smarts the most was when I was about 20 or so. I thought he was gorgeous and smart and handsome. I was cute and not too shabby myself but I guess he didn't think I was in his league. I think if he could have figured out a way to run away, he would have. So embarrassing and hurtful! It bothered me a lot. I also wanted the ground to open up and swallow me too. The worst was having to tell my friends I'd totally misread him and admit my utter failure. Soooo awful.
When I was 12 or 13, I wasn't allowed to go out on dates, so there was no point in asking a guy out. When I was 14 or 15, dating was permitted but then I got a boyfriend and so didn't have to ask anyone out. The boyfriend wound up cheating on me with a girl who was 2 years older; whoa did that hurt. Not nice of him at all. Put me off guys for a while. Then when was 16, I was soooo into this one guy, I asked him to the Sadie Hawkins dance. Turned down. He had a crush on another girl and she was one of the homecoming princess types. I didn't stand a chance.
It's not fun and it's not nice to be told 'no,' no one likes rejection.
Your theory might make you feel better but trust me, many women know exactly how rejection feels. I hope I got better at saying 'no' gracefully after experiencing it for myself but I doubt it really helps.
Rejection is rejection but it doesn't mean you're awful or that she's a bitch, it just means that there wasn't the spark there for the other person in the equation. It happens all the time.
I think some people have more sensitive antennae than others and quiver and feel hurt at every 'no.' Other people shrug it off and move on.
If you're being shot down every single time you ask someone out, it's time to re-evaluate the strategy, your own reading of social cues and perhaps the image you are putting out there. The image you think you have many not be congruent with what people perceive.
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reader, anonymous, writes (13 July 2011): Oh yes! I was 14 and he was very public about his rejection I wanted the ground to open up and swallow me.
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female
reader, YouWish +, writes (12 July 2011):
 Oh...forgot to add...it's a rejection everytime a man takes you on a date and then he never calls back. At least a guy gets a definite rejection from the start, quick and easy. A woman's is drawn out for a week or so and is excruciating.
Don't ever make the mistake of thinking that a woman doesn't experience rejection.
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female
reader, YouWish +, writes (12 July 2011):
Sure, I've been rejected. The guy was nice about it said he saw me as more "friend" material than anything more. It stung some, but I quickly got over it. I've also rejected a few guys too and tried to be very nice about it as well.
Everyone deals with rejection. It doesn't happen to guys more than girls, and it's more than just love. People get turned down for job interviews, sports positions, club membership, book or acting efforts, and if you're in sales, rejection is a way of life! The best salespeople get rejected the most, but they have a really hard jaw and take it on the chin. If you're into baseball, you know that the best hitters have a .300 to .400 batting average. That means they still miss more than they hit!
Women understand rejection really really well.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (12 July 2011): Been there, done that... picked myself up and tried all over again with the next guy who was special enough to catch my eye! I was a proactive one from the start. My first experience of rejection came at the age of 10 when I told a little boy in my class I *liked* him liked him. He didn't want to know: I was the "wrong" colour - he was white, I'm mixed race. Gutted! But hey, that sure didn't stop me when I reached high school and had feelings to declare, first at 11, then 14, 16 and 17. I was turned down every time, rather harshly by the first two, more gently by the others; unsurprising really, considering our ages then. I wasn't an ugly girl, but I wasn't approached once throughout my teenage years. It didn't bother me for a long time; love was something which you had to actively search for as far as I was concerned. By 18 though I was beginning to have my doubts... perhaps past rejections had sent a trend for the future? I needn't have worried though, that summer I met a man who pursued me in a way which left me unable to do anything but give in. Fast forward one year and we're still together. Daft as it is, for a while I felt like I'd failed or something because I hadn't been the one to ask him. Had I remained single, I certainly wouldn't have changed. A woman is often anxious about making the first move because of the unspoken but very real double standard which dictates than men do all the chasing. It's a rule which I've never cared for. Yes, rejection can be tough but nobody need be *afraid* of it. After all, if you never try you'll never know! Good luck and take care :)
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female
reader, chigirl  +, writes (12 July 2011):
 Yepp, I have. I've also done the cheesy pick up lines, lol, they only work for people with a sense of humour.
Other times you try to be just nice and not flirty at all and still get shot down because the guy is stuck up and thinks you're all over him. Guy's can be very self conceited too, and quite rude. In fact I can't think of any episode where there was a happy medium... well maybe there were a few times, but to my memory the picking up was either successful (got a smile and maybe a date), or I got the eye rolling "Oh my god how annoying this woman is" and they simply walk away without even answering. How rude!
There might have been a few ones who rejected looking at me in a pathetic light "sorry, I have a girlfriend" and then given me the smile that says "did she really think she even had a chance?", and those were the nice ones. The rude ones like I said are more common, with a single "no" if I try to ask a question, or just simply ignoring me or walking away.
Then again, I've had my luck enough times to not let it bother me. I know Im smashing hot and a few let downs by (in my opinion) conceited men, doesn't bother me. If they can't play nice I wouldn't be interested in them anyway, the snobs.
But then again I must also add that the act pf picking-up is more than just talking to a stranger. There are different moves to the game, different forms of flirting. I don't always put myself "out there" as that tends to fail. Instead, I think female "hunters" are much more successful with seduction techniques rather than obvious asking out. Seduction in this sense meaning being aware of who notice you, if you catch anyones eye. Then do a little playing the eye-flirting game of looking at them, walking away from them so they get a look at your behind, be on the dancefloor dancing and keeping eye contact etc etc. Or "accidentally" leaning over, or sitting close. Small things like that.
These techniques are skills you learn through practice, and the first humiliating steps will always be the cheesy pick-up lines. If you don't go through those first humiliating steps you wont move on to the next level. These days Im quite smooth, being obvious about my intent, but leaving enough innocence in the mix for a smooth retreat without the embarrassment.
I can't remember how old I was when I was first rejected. Around... 15 I will bet? Although not at all sure what age, but teenage years sooner or later.
Many girls aren't huntresses. Too bad for them, and no they probably don't understand the difficulties of picking someone up. But then again, once you've got it down it isn't hard at all. I've turned into quite the player, I could see through any line from a guy at the age of 19. Can still get shot down, don't get me wrong. But that's the challenge. I could always go for the "safe" ones I know will work, but where's the fun in that.
I've been rejected by girls too, just to add that in there. I'm bisexual, so been down that road too, although I typically don't make moves on a girl unless I know she's bisexual or lesbian... and that part is tricky, they're not easy to find around here.
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male
reader, Yos  +, writes (12 July 2011):
 Women get plenty of rejections. And worse: they sometimes get 'accepted' but then the guy decides to reject them right after they've had sex. Much worse.
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female
reader, TasteofIndia +, writes (12 July 2011):
 Yep, got rejected with: "you're not the kind of girl guys want to date, you're the kind of girl guys want to marry". It devastated me at the time, but now I'm a little older and wiser, I realize he might have been saying "you probably don't want to get f***ed and ditched by me, sweetie".
Then there was the time I worked up the nerve to ask out one of the hottest guys in school, only to have him reject me via his brother.
I've got plenty success stories, but a good share of rejections too. So I think you're wrong. Maybe in the 50's you'd be dead accurate, but I think a lot more girls are getting gutsy and making the move. I know that tons of my girlfriends in school would make the first move, and we had lots of tear-fest post rejection parties for them when they failed miserably.
There are my two cents, at least...
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (12 July 2011): I am very shy and sensitive and I would rather die than approach a guy. I don't even want to think about the damage that rejection would to to my already non existent self esteem.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (12 July 2011): Yeah I've been rejected, first time was when I was 11 and I was told I was too fat so yeah it hurt a lot. Since then I've got a little older and wiser and realise if a guy rejects me then it's no big deal, he just wasn't the right person for me. I still approach guys about half the time, it really depends on how much I like them or if I think they're too shy to make a move and yes sometimes I still get rejected.
So overall I'd say you're wrong. I also know plenty of other female friends that have been rejected - more than once. I'll admit that I think the majority of the time it is men who make the first move but your argument is way too generalised and I think women making a move and getting rejected is far more common than you think.
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female
reader, maverick494 +, writes (12 July 2011):
Sorry to burst your bubble but I got rejected plenty of times. I usually don't wait around for the guy I fancy to make a move on me because he may mistake my lack of action as a sign of disinterest.
I usually start out by giving hints, to test the waters. Tagging along more often, sitting next to him when I have the chance, holding his eyes a bit longer than one normally would, that sort of thing. If a guy reacts badly (as in, he no longer announces he's going somewhere in my presence so I can't come along, starts chatting up other girls more often instead of me, etc.) I back off. If a guy reacts well, as in it seems like he enjoys my company, I take the plunge and suggest to go somewhere together and take it from there.
Girls, (well in this case just me), usually aren't as straightforward asking guys out as guys often do when it comes to girls. Now I'm generalizing ofcourse, as there are plenty of confident girls who just cut the crap and go straight to their goal, just as there are girls who wait for the guy to do it. But to say all girls just wait around for the guy is too black&white.
I was 11 at the time of my first rejection. The boy was 14 so I didn't stand a chance, haha. He was much more interested in girls his own age.
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female
reader, person12345 +, writes (12 July 2011):
 And you think it's much better to be taught that you are totally helpless and can't make a move even if you really really really want to simply because of an idiotic double standard?
I've asked out plenty of men, some of whom only rejected me because of the silly double standard saying women aren't supposed to ask men out. I'm generally attracted to shy guys so I tend to do most of the asking out and approaching, so of course I've been rejected.
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female
reader, babygirllovej  +, writes (12 July 2011):
 You seem to be very sensitive on rejection. Don't take it personally. Perhaps the girl is interested in another or simply is not interested in you at the moment.
Rejection hurts...a lot but it is not something to take personally. The girls who reject usually do not know the guy beforehand. I had rejected many guys simply because I didn't know them.
I also have been rejected. In general most guys do make the first step but women also take the first step as well. Just be yourself and if someone rejects you move on and continue to ask. I would suggest getting to know the girl first before you ask them out on a date.
Good Luck~!
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