A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:Hi Just like to know if this is normal behaviour for men or in relationships.Last night in bed with my boyfriend I wasn't feeling too well (have a bad headcold) and told him I didn't want to have sex with him, to just cuddle and sleep. He kept bugging me for well over an hour, feeling, touching, rubbing his erection off me - even said well just a bj if no sex but I just wanted to rest. Anyway at one point he got on top of me, forced my legs apart , grabbed at my pants to pull them down and held up hands... I'm a small kind of girl and he is quite strong and I told him to stop, what are you doing.. He then replied nothing, got off me, didn't say a word.. Rolled over and within 5 minutes was snoring. This has happened a few times, I don't say no that often and at times just give in anyway. Is this normal? Does it happen often with any of you girls? Guys how do you react when a girl says no? Its my first relationship and I am confused and feeling guilty. Any advise would be helpful please.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (17 April 2013): **original poster**Thank you everyone for advise, help and comments. I spoke to him at university today (we both study comp science but he is a year ahead) so I cannot avoid him completely. Anyway told him it was over between us, he got really pissed and stormed off, text me later saying sorry etc but told him didn't want to continue, I wasn't happy with things and its over so hopefully this will be the end of it. Cerberus I don't have facebook, twitter or any social networking account. Just my personal email/uni email and uni profile - don't have an online presence as such so that is not a worry for me. I'm a private person and just have my own very small circle of friends, don't have much time for acquaintances so for mutual friends I didn't collect any probably because I don't drink alcohol and usually a means of connecting with similar friends. Anyway I'm glad I posted here, made me see things clearly and for what it was.I'll never allow myself to be as stupid or foolish to get into that type of situation again. Thank you once again - you guys are very kind to take time out to reply and comment back.
A
female
reader, CindyCares  +, writes (16 April 2013):
 Well said, Cerberus, and even more since you are the only male on this thread that seem to grasp the obvious : i.e.,
no guys, you've gotta ASK first and you've got to be able to take NO for an answer , end of story. No ifs and buts .
The other male posters seem to reluctantly admit that this guy went way too far but, poor guy " I can understand his frustration " " satisfy him whenever possible "...
I mean, guys, seriously ?!
You know, I get frustrated a lot , every time I go window shopping downtown and I see all those pretty designer items , shoes, handbags, etc. which cost way too much for my pockets. I am a nice person, I would deserve to own nice things !, surely more than all those tax evaders and mafia wives that get to buy themselves those lovely expensive items; that frustrates me. What do you say, why don't I just smash the shop windows with a brick and grab what I think I am entitled to ?....
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A
female
reader, So_Very_Confused  +, writes (16 April 2013):
 When my husband says no I just walk away or leave him alone
when I say no he just laughs and rolls over and leaves me alone
Rape (what your "boyfriend" attempted) is not allowed and not acceptable and his behavior is NOT normal.
I have had husbands want... and I've been too tired but no one has ever forced me
and you are SICK with a head cold (and he still said a bj??)
honey, he is a child. he is immature, he is selfish and inconsiderate. And he is wrong.
you know this but I wanted to add another vote for leave him in the dirt....
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (16 April 2013): Get the fuck as far away from that asshole as possible. Not only should he have been apologizing profusely for his behaviour but no man nor woman ever gets to treat their partner with as much contempt as he treated you afterwards.
This is a case of getting an app for your phone to block his number and any other number he tries to text you or call with. Block him on FB and all other online services, I'd even block any random, useless mutual friends that you only met through him too.
He can count himself very lucky that you're not my sister or even friend because for this alone "I'm his gf and it his right to have sex with me when he wants" his wheelie bin would be going through his windscreen.
He's some prick OP, that's all there is to it and not only are you to stay as far away from him as possible you need to make sure that any female friends you have know exactly what he's like so they can take precautions and stay away from this abusive cunt. Seriously he's a lucky man, guys like him piss me off more than anything, if I and my social group suspected for one minute any of our female friends were dealing with a guy like this he'd have hell to pay, a few angry lads with hurleys would want to have a nice chat with the self-entitled prick.
You know what though OP, as far as you go you're sorted. You're no fool, you're strong enough to resist and there's no chance in hell he's going to get a second chance after the shit he just pulled and you know what? It's good to have this as your first relationship because frankly this is one of the worst types of guy you can get, which means you now have a wealth of experience with the asshole type with which you can use to identify them far earlier, you'll spot the signs better, you'll know how to deal with the next guy if he tries any shit too.
Want to know what behaviour is acceptable in a relationship OP? Whatever you deem nice, or acceptable. That's it. And you can now cross all this kind of shit off your list. You'll know how to deal with the next guy who pesters you (a little bit of mild pestering/disappointment is normal) and you'll know how to spot when that's a negative, selfish type of persistence too.
You handled yourself great OP, just make sure he doesn't get another sniff, he's not even allowed to talk to you, he doesn't get to apologise or worm his way in, he doesn't get to promise to change, nothing and if he has shit of yours that you need back get an adult male relative to go with you to collect the stuff.
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A
male
reader, Silius Sodimus  +, writes (16 April 2013):
I think he needs to calm down and stop jumping you and learn to control himself. If he keeps doing that I'd say get rid of him. Iv'e had a relationship once where we hardly had sex and as frustrating as it was I never forced myself on to her. Not that it justifies his actions but the old "not tonight honey I have a headache" would p*** off most guys off, so I can understand his frustration. However there is probably no such relationship where the guy or girl gets to have sex 100% of the time. Also it does sound like attempted rape. You should let him know that if thats how it felt.
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A
female
reader, CindyCares +, writes (16 April 2013):
" I am your bf so I have the right to have sex with you any time I want " ? Where did you get this ape ! at the zoo ? . Luckily the law does not see it his way. He has so zero right to unlimited sexual access - that you could have had him arrested .
I just read on the newspapers few days ago, of a guy who had accosted a street prostitute on her way home. She said " no, sorry, I am tired ", and the guy tried to drag her into his car kicking and screaming - so people called the police and they arrested him. His defence was that he had not " understood " that the girl was off duty and that anyway he was going to pay her regularly... the judge said " What part of NO you don't understand " and threw the book at him.
So no, you can't have sex any time you want even from a professional sex worker, let alone from your gf.
Don't be sad, you are way better off rid of him. And next time you start something with a guy, make sure that among his " good points " there's also : being a semi civilized human being.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (16 April 2013): ** original poster**Posted first from my phone, now from my laptop so may show different IP address.Calum I don't reject him, 9 times out of 10 I will have sex with him. I don't think it should be taken personal if he was unwell or tired I wouldn't pester him or act that way, I'm not lazy either and if anything it is me that does most of the work in bed compared to him. I'm tired cannot even cuddle without being pounced on, he has text me and said he over reacted but text back and said best we call it a day. He does have his good points, I just think if I say ok I'll lose whatever self respect I have left. Reading many of the posts today has opened my eyes. I spoke to one of my best friends who is working away over the phone, explained to her what happened and she said to get away too. So I suppose everyone has a point.Thank you for making me see the reality and it is not normal.
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A
male
reader, Calum  +, writes (15 April 2013):
Being rejected by a partner whether male or female can be hard and frustrating to accept. He shouldn't be forcing your legs open like the way you describe. He should exercise restraint and control. As soon as your better initiate sex when he doesn't expect to show compromise. Alternatively if the sex isn't working, it is a major part of a relationship and you should consider your compatibility
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (15 April 2013): This guy is a scumbag and potential rapist and I'd strongly suggest you get away from him as soon as possible. I have been in several relationships, and I would I never dream of pressurising any woman into anything she didn't want to do. This guy doesn't realise what he did? That's bulls**t in my opinion. He knows fine well but just doesn't care. Please realise that this is not normal and you deserve way better than this.
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A
female
reader, chigirl  +, writes (15 April 2013):
 NOT normal! He tried to rape you! I'm serious, you should get out of this relationship, this man sounds dangerous. He held you down BY FORCE and forced your legs apart. Listen to yourself, read what you wrote! He used FORCE on you, to hold you down and spread your legs. You already did tell him you didn't want sex, yet he DID NOT respect it. He did not respect your NO.
His behaviour is not normal, it is actually criminal. This is not common, this is not how men behave.
I rarely say no to sex, but I have said no because sometimes I am sick, or tired, or have too much on my mind. There are times when I just don't want to, and NEVER have a boyfriend tried to do anything against my will. Never has a boyfriend kept pushing at me for sex, they've always respected a no and left me alone. End of story.
Please take this seriously before something bad happens. You are in danger with this man, and he has crossed the line already. He didn't force his penis inside you, but he has already used force on you to hold you down and spread your legs. Please take this seriously. You need to get away from this man. He is not normal.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (15 April 2013): No I'm not comfortable with it, makes me feel intimidated, scared and tearful. I don't want him to pester me or treat me that way. Shortly after I posted this question he woke up and came into the next room and asked me to go back into bed. I got into bed and asked him are you going to say sorry for what you did last night and he asked me what did I do?. I explained to him his actions, how it made me feel and if he wasn't going to apologise he could get out. He got so angry with me and said I was stupid, it was my fault, I'm his gf and it his right to have sex with me when he wants - I asked him did he not see anything wrong with what he did and he said no. Then started cursing at me, told me to fuck off and he never wanted to see me again and left. I've never cursed at him before and his first time to curse at me.I'm shocked at his reaction. I don't want a man pestering me. I'm not a bad gf, quite considerate and easy going - for one poster. I do like sex, and 9/10 times I agree but the 1 time I don't agree I get this. I don't want to feel cheap, used or scared. Im very tearful today and as the days goes on feeling incandescent with rage:( thank you Cerberus I really needed to hear that, especially coming from a man. It is not my normal and I do not want it to be. Your fiance is lucky, I'd prefer a man respecting my wishes as I respected his. I think there is no going back now and the end for us. I feel sad but I am glad I posted, needed to know it is not normal or anything wrong with me.Thank you for help
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (15 April 2013): that's what my first boyfriend used to do. It is a horrible feeling. He does not love your or respect you if he does that.
Leave him, he won't change. You probably think he's great in other ways but sadly the truth is this is not just attempted rape / sexual bullying. He probably wears you down emotionally and psychologically as well and before you know it, your self confidence will be massively low.
The way I see it, you can stick around until he's finally gone the whole way after you'd said no, leaving you feeling used and stupid for letting it happen. Or you can love yourself to walk away and wait for someone who will treat you better.
No, not all men are bullies like yours. I speak from experience. You can definitely do better.
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A
female
reader, Daisy_Daisy +, writes (15 April 2013):
 Why are you feeling guilty? You didn't want to have sex, for good reason, and you stood your ground. In that situation I would have told him to quit it after 5 minutes and gone to sleep on the couch, to asked him to sleep on the couch.
If you keep finding yourself "giving in" then he's either wanting it far more often than you (not a good sign for long term compatability) or he's crap at foreplay ... getting you in the mood where you'll willingly have sex with him and enjoy it.
You need to set boundaries with him. When you say no, you mean and if he doesn't quit it then he has to sleep elsewhere. You're young, I'm assuming he is too. You're both learning. What he did was not normal or OK in a loving, respectful relationship. You have nothing to feel bad about, except letting it go as far as it did.
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A
male
reader, SensitiveBloke +, writes (15 April 2013):
 Your boyfriend is not treating you with respect. No should mean no. Many guys will nag their partners to change their mind, but you should not tolerate anyone forcing themselves on you. It is attempted rape.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (15 April 2013): Oh and OP, if you don't want him doing that, don't want it escalating to some time he just pins you down and goes to work on you. The next time he does, scream at him to get the fuck out of your bed and he'll remember that.
OP this is your first relationship you have to learn to demand and command respect from him. What you tolerate will define what you get. If him doing this makes you feel cheap, used or guilty then that's your fault for tolerating it.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (15 April 2013): Yeah apparently that's normal OP, you tolerate it and most women I know tolerate it too.
Personally I'd be very pissed off if I was a woman and a guy did that to me, in fact that guy would have hell to pay. But you ladies see it as fine, which is funny because you expressly don't give don't give consent and he tries to force you. In any other context that's a very serious crime.
The thing is though OP while I wouldn't dare do that to my fiancée because she wouldn't tolerate that, other women I've dated thought me a prude or frigid because I didn't keep pestering them for sex.
It's up to you to decide whether it's normal or not. It's up to you to decide whether to tolerate it or not. You can allow him to sexually assault you like female anon does "sometimes he won't stop", get to the point where you allow him does this so often that sometime he will just pin you down and fuck you regardless of whether you want him to or not but female anon must like rape-play or dom stuff to be okay with that. Or you can tell him straight up never to do it again or you're out.
Whatever you're comfortable with OP. I had one ex who was "nasty" in that way. She actually complained that I took no for an answer and that a real man wouldn't. Yeah, we didn't last long.
It's up to you OP, do you like the idea of being in bed with a guy who won't stop pestering you and sees no problem at all trying to force the issue to the point where it'll only take a few drinks and he probably won't stop next time. Do you want that to be your normal? Or do you want to feel safe that he can take no for answer and respect your wishes?
Just understand OP to me that's not normal, I know immediately whether my fiancée means it's not happening, I may do the sad puppy dog eyes thing for a couple of minutes but that's it. She is free to refuse any time she likes and I think only an asshole would guilt trip her in any kind of serious way. but you ladies are all different. Most of you want to be bossed and dominated by us and that means not respecting your wishes to get what we want. It's funny because we guys still get the blame for this whole rape culture thing, but it's what most of you want and tolerate. Female anon's opinion is pretty much the norm. I have countless exs and women I've dated, who had ex-boyfriends who did that kind of thing, while they didn't like that they did that a lot of the time they tolerated it because supposedly that's what we guys are like. Well why do you think guys are like that then if it works for them?
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A
female
reader, Euphoric29  +, writes (15 April 2013):
Dear OP,
I wouldn't care if it's normal or not, I suppose it happens a lot in bad (!) relationships and selfishness is quite spread throughout our society. That doesn't mean it should happen. Get angry. Say no. Stand up for yourself.
I never had a boyfriend like that, cause if a guy started this bullshit with me, I was gone right away. A guy once choked me for fun, although I said I don't like it. I left. I don't care if this is normal. I don't like it and I said no and he didn't respect it. End of discussion.
Love and respect for someone else's wishes and needs is the foundation of a healthy relationship and it's not too much to ask. I guess it's normal for a horny guy to try and convince a girl for some time, asking and trying to be a little seductive is ok, but if she says no, it's no. Sex is not a duty. It should be mutual fun.
If you want this to stop, be serious and stop giving in. You give him the impression that this is somewhat tolerable. You have a right to get angry and kick him out of bed. No need to feel guilty.
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A
female
reader, CindyCares +, writes (15 April 2013):
Normal ? That's something people go to jail for : attempted rape.
I have a hard time believing that you are old enough to have sex, but not old enough that you owe sex to nobody .
Sex happens when both people want it. If the woman ( or the man ) finds herself saying no too often, alas there may be a problem of compatibility, but then the answer is breaking up, not using physical force.
You say it has alreday happened " a few times ", explain him clearly that next time it happens he will become instantly your EX boyfriend.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (15 April 2013): Happens a lot with my bf, although sometimes he wont stop. Its not right/normal, but some guys do it. I remember I would wake up to the first bf I had messing with me ans trying to have sex with me WHILE I slept, I always woke up before that, but some guys are just tactless horndogs. NOT all just some. Next time ge does that, I would just get up and sleep in the other room. Thats what I do. Then I talk to him about it the next morning so I do lose my head and get upset. Also it helps me figure out what I want to say. Good luck!
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (15 April 2013): Just from my own personal experience....I definitely understand that there are times when body and mind just does not allow love making but you have to think about your partner too...he/she has needs as well....once/twice someone can let go but not all the times ...and that's when the problems start....my suggestion would be to make love and satisfy him when possible.
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