A
male
age
36-40,
*b11
writes:My girlfriend and me are together for a year now.. and have a decent intimate life.. we stay in different cities so meet just maybe once or twice a month.. Since the past 5months she hasnt given me any oral sex.. and i didnt pressurize her.. she wouldnt let me go down as well.. She kept saying that she will let me..but because of a fight then..she said she didt feel like it.. and i gave her time.. we would have intercourse though.. Just yesterday i kinda flipped.. I couldnt take it anymore...So i told her.. that she gave her exes.. and casual flings.. and onenight stands oral sex but wouldnt give me.. why... (she doesnt find it intimate.. but had told me long ago.. that going down on a guy makes the guy feel special and on top of the world.. and very happy..)..So i asked her... you made those guys feel special who you didnt even love.. who were just casual flings for sex ...you made them feel happy and on top of the world.. but dont want to make me feel that way...dont want to make me feel special and happy....And she blasted off replying that she hates oral sex.. She doesnt like going down.. she hates it... and let me do it and did it to me just because it made me happy..I dont know but suddenly it made me feel quesy that even though she doesnt like it.. she gave all her past guys a blowjob.. even if they were just casual flings.. for like maybe 2-3 weeks.. or a one night stand.. She gave them all oral to make them feel special and happy? even though she didnt love them..but wouldnt want to do it to me anymore...She took things very slow with me since the start.. the first time she gave me a blow or had sex with me was almost 3months after we had started dating... but others got oral and all in one night or a few weeks... I dont have a problem that she said she doesnt like it and thats why doesnt want to give me anymore... even though i love it a lot... what makes me quesy is the fact that even though she hates oral she gave others guys that casually..without caring for or loving them.. feels like she was used by those guys.. and she was ok with it...She did it to make random guys feel special and happy? weird.. it makes me quesy..like she didnt respect herself enough thats why wanted to please others... she did this when she was in a depressed stage in her life... after her ex left her.. she had 2 rebounds.. the casual fling and one nighter.. and went down on them... the rest were all committed boyfriends..but she just loved one out of them and he left her....It would be fine that she said she doesnt like oral and wont give me..and wouldnt have given anyone.. but the fact that she has given every guy in her past oral ..even though she says she hates it.. makes me feel disgusted... So whats special for the one you love then.. nothing.. as she did it even for random flings.. infact...she did it for them.. but not for the one she says she now loves..I dont think i'd let her go down on me evr again even if she wishes(which i dont think will happen) or i'd be able to go down on her.. but right now..im not even sure if i would want to have sex with her or makeout...(she usually has sex only when she wishes to.. if she isnt in the mood... nothing..).. im feeling very disgusted at knowing this.. that she hates oral sex but still gave head casually to so many others.... IF she hated it.. why did she have to do it...they were just casual flings.. why make them feel good n happy n special.. when they dont even care about her... i feel like i have lost respect for her.. as she didnt respect herself.. She not giving me a blowjob doesnt bother me as much as the fact that she hated it but gave other random guys a blow in her past...I dont know what to do.. feeling very quesy.. please help...
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blow-job, depressed, her ex, her past, in the mood, one night stand, oral sex Reply to this Question
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reader, anonymous, writes (4 January 2015): stop obsessing over her past.. she told you that with trust.. not for you to sit and compare notes. its difficult to deal with a guy cheating and you are just making excuses for your situation. point is she doesn't like it and she has done it for you anyway. after her past experiences, your incident has made her even more uncomfortable. if she really likes you its going to be even more important for her to be comfortable with you. and no one wants to make a guy feel important who is capable of cheating on her. especially if she likes him.dont compare notes.. those guys clearly din't matter much. so just think about your situation and try to figure out if you really are compatible with each other.if you are..work it out.. if you aren't, just move on.
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male
reader, Honest John  +, writes (4 January 2015):
You have my sympathy. I have the same problem with my Chinese partner. Her excuse: She is older now and loves me so it is not important. I say 'rubbish!' In my experience women have in their life: a guy who they want to have sex with and then the guy who is stable and secure and whom they don't need to impress. Sadly: I am in the latter category as you are. I would except this argument if: she did not enjoy oral and other sex positions with her ex's and I would try harder to make a difference. However I have past girl friends calling me for sex and will no anything I want. I decline these offers as I believe in one relationship at a time - cheating is not an option.
My partner is happy for a cuddle and sex when she demands it but I must initiate it and do everything while she lays there and does nothing. Everyone needs to feel loved and sexually attractive to their partner and not feel and know that others turned her on more than you. She says she loves me and feels safe and secure in this relationship. I feel I am just a friend to make her feel better. My friend you are in the same position.
The truth: You are someone to keep her company and make her feel better about herself and not the love of her life. The fact is: someone else was hers - even strangers were worth more than you.
I think that there is a need to find someone who finds you sexually exciting and loves you more than anyone else - to have have the love and loyalty and sexual attraction returned. 'Better to be alone than to not be loved in the way you deserve.'
The self righteous who scream: It is her right to do as she pleases... Maybe so... but what about the guys right to feel that he is his loved one's ultimate man in her life? So go stick your heads in the sand and be in denial about what the partner needs in life. For facts are facts and self denial is not a good strait if it creates and perpetuates narcissism in the other and leaves you as second best!
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reader, anonymous, writes (25 May 2011): Well I have an ex-girlfriend who will not go down on me and will only let me give her oral. I am sure she is giving other guys oral but I don't know that for fact.
Also she won't have sex with me because she said its too emotional for her but yet she is dating several guys and having sex with one of them.
We both love each other but we live a 1,000 miles apart now and we also had a bad break up. However when we do see each other the chemistry is there... any thoughts or ideas about my situation?
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reader, sb11 +, writes (3 May 2011):
sb11 is verified as being by the original poster of the question@cereberus.. thnks 4 the reply... well..she told me herself that giving head means making the guy feel special and happy.. and on top of the world.. and she did for that..
She was very low and depressed as her ex had dumped her.. and she was backstabbed at work.. and all her friends were humiliating her for this and teasing her.... and that guy was the only one by her side at that time... and she asked him out to date and then went ahead with this stuff.. he was her rebound..(casual sex to get over the ex.. she thoght she'd have some sex with her.. get over the ex and end it with him.. but after the blow itself she couldnt go ahead.. ).. he is around 13-14yrs older to her.. in his mid30s.. and even after the blow she felt she couldnt get over the ex.. so called it off with hhim... he stil keeps texting her..and she replies.. and she says they are just friends now.. and nothing more.. though she has cutoff from him a bit as i didnt like her constant contact with him..
The thing is.. She had a boyfriend for 2 yrs and she would give him blow.. and another before that for 5 months.. and would even give him blows..
We had a huge fight once.. as..since she was in regular touch with her exes.. i went to meet one of the girls i hooked up with in the past... she came to my country after a long time..(chinese girl).. we met at a cafe.. and she kissed me ....and i didnt stop her... i know it was cheating.. and it was a horrible thing i did... but i begged her and she said she has forgiven me but will not forget... and since that time she has told me that she cant give me a blow.. till she is ready for it.. I know i wronged her.. i should have pushed that girl back.. but i didnt.. and went along with the kiss.. i confessed as soon as i got home.. cz it ate me up inside...
Anyway, since then she hasnt given me a blowjob ever...
and just yesterday we were fighting on a different topic and this came up... and i told her.. that she has given head to casual flings and stuff but wont do it for me anymore... and she said she hated it always.. did it to me and let me do it as it made Me happy.. she never liked it...
and i got hurt and furious...that even though she didnt like it she gave other guys head just as a fling.. but wont give me this even though u claim that you love me and cant live without me.. what i did wrong was around 4 months ago...and she hadnt given me a blow since december.. i dont say i want it everytime.. but even once in a while has stopped...
She first blamed it on the cheating ..which i regret..and asked me for time.. to get over it so she can completely get that incident out of her head and give it to me herself.. and now says she always hated it.. just did it to please me... so if she hated it.. why give others.. why please others who you dont even love... why let them use her..
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reader, anonymous, writes (3 May 2011): She sexually rewards guys better for treating her badly than she does for treating her well. That means she not long term relationship material.
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reader, anonymous, writes (3 May 2011): Talk this out with her one last time. Tell her that oral sex is important to you, sexual satisfaction is important to you, ask her what she wants you to do to make her want to do those things for you. Do not bring up her past sex life ever again. That's history it doesn't matter, what matters is now and what you can do to make her see that this is important to you.
OP if she won't compromise on this, if she is unwilling to do these things when she used to give you those things then you need to leave her. Because she got with you under false pretenses. I dated a girl like that before and I dumped her for lying to me. She hated oral sex but gave me a hell of a lot of it in the beginning to win me over. Now oral is important to me but I don't require it everyday, once a month as a treat if fine. But when this girl told me she hated it and she couldn't see herself ever giving it to me again, that she hoped once I was in love with her that she wouldn't have to do it anymore, then I felt deceived.
I had made it clear from the outset that both giving and receiving oral regularly is important to me as part of a healthy sex life. She thought that I'd change my mind "just for her" once we were in love. But I didn't and after a hell of a lot of talking and getting nowhere I decided it was best if I found someone more compatible.
People should never be forced to do anything they don't want to do, they should never be emotionally blackmailed or coerced. If your girlfriend doesn't want to make this small sacrifice and do something she doesn't like but knows it will make you happy, then I'm afraid you're just not compatible and she's just not relationship material. But please stop bringing up the past, you're only reminding her of times she'd rather forget not only that but you're making her want to do it less. You see she only gave those guys head because she thought she had to, to keep them. She felt she had no choice, it wasn't that she wanted them to be happy, it's that she didn't want them to leave her, you see? She wasn't doing that because making them happy is something that brought her joy, it was because she felt she had no choice. The problem with that though is you insisting on this probably makes her feel that way too.
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reader, olderthandirt  +, writes (3 May 2011):
 my first reaction is; " oh, boo hoo" you cannot expect to get what you want just because YOU want it. Trust me as one who's been exactly in your shoes. You are going to have to either learn to live with the situation as it is or decide to leave. You can't force someone to pleasure you the way you want it. Either she will do it out of love or being turned on or she won't I don't care if like my experience she "did" the entire school from time to time or not. You can't force the good stuff. Live in fond memories or the real pleasures in life or leave her. There's no silver bullet. she's just not doing it anymore(guilt? who knows). get on with your life though dweling on it will make you crazy( I know of what I speak).
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reader, sb11 +, writes (3 May 2011):
sb11 is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThanks for the reply...
yes she has given me too many details of her past... who.. where..when.. how it started.. what happened after it.. what was the scene before.. what base it went till.. what her emotions were... everything... It was tough for me to get over it...im still trying...i asked her to stop after a few months..and she stopped... but by then..damage was already done...
Anyway.. She has given guys blows in casual flings.. like first time making out and gone down on them in the past.. and these were all friends with her till recent times.. she cut them off as i didnt quite appreciate her mingling with them a lot...
She didnt go down on me till like after 2 months of dating.. and she was very uncomfortable about me going down on her... She still doesnt like it.. and hasnt let the guys she has had flings with or one nighters ever go down on her... Just a few have ... but she desnt quite like it.. she let me as i like it.. but that too after a very long time... like maybe after 4months or so...and for a few seconds or a minute.... thats all..
She just told me yesterday that she hates oral... doesnt like giving a blowjob... and i wouldnt quite mind it... I would be fine with it.. and would have lived with it... I still would live with it.. that she wont give me a blow.. but the fact. that she gave other random casual flings a blow in the very first encounter disgusts me... she has had 6 partners before me.. and has given 3 a blow( 2 boyfriends.. and one casual fling.. rebound).. and one was a makeout and another she licked a couple of times and pushed him away n dozed off as she was too drunk..(the one night stand with a close friend..)...
So technically gone down on 4 before me...
She would give me blows before.. Would go down on me.. on my birthday she gave me a blow for one and a half hours... and swallowed..
But now she stopped... and doesnt wantto anymore..as she says she doesnt like it.. she always hated it..
btw, she is on her periods right now.. so maybe thats why she blasted off out with the truth?
It just has me deeply disgusted that even though she didnt like something ever.. she went ahead with it.. with other random guys.. tomake them feel happy and special.. and let them use her... and then still remained friends with them... but now doesnt want to do it with me...
She also never experienced an orgasm in her life before she met me.. and had a mind block.. in the start wouldnt orgasm with me.. but i slowly got her out of that shell.. and now she cums almost everytime..
She didnt enjoy oral.. didnt orgasm.. just did it all to please the guys... and now that i have started letting er experience orgasms and stuff.. she is telling me she didnt like blows anyway.. it hurts man..
that she wanted to please other guys and did things she didnt like... but with me wont do it anymore..
Wanted to please random guys.. and make them feel special.. but wont do it for the one she loves...
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male
reader, anonymous, writes (3 May 2011): Tell her that you used to buy lots of expensive gifts for your previous girlfriends. But you "never really liked doing it" and "it didn't feel intimate" when you did. So you won't be buying expensive gifts for your wife anymore. Because she is your wife and you shouldn't have to do things that you don't want to do with her.
That should get the point across.
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female
reader, littleBB  +, writes (3 May 2011):
You cannot force her to do stuff she says she doesn't like but you can ask her gently if there is anything which would make the experience better for her and try to work out a compromise, some girls change their minds. Not two people have the same likes and dislikes and working through them is the best thing one can do. If she doesn't change her mind and doen't want to compromise you will have to find somebody else as sexual compatibility is very important in a relationship. My advice would be not to settle with someone if you are not sexually compatible.
Don't obsess about her past, I know it frustrates you that she did it to others and not to you, but thinking about the past never helps.
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female
reader, Lizzy111  +, writes (3 May 2011):
That is screwed up and you are right, she should have stated this in the beginning and now you wouldnt be facing these issues and you could have gotten out when it was not serious jet.... Sex is the only thing that separates lovers and friends and it requires also complete honesty from both parties right from start, looks like she wanted to "hook" you first and then put her rules out. Now you are faced with tough decision - stay or go. That's something no one can decide for you, but think from the point of view if the lack of oral sex will completely ruin your sex life, if your answer is yes then start getting yourself in "friends zone" asap to avoid getting more hurt in future.
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reader, anonymous, writes (3 May 2011): I read it all!!! And I say you should put yourself together for starts!!!! Stay calm!First of all what she did in the past should not need to be a problem for you... What really matters to you about her is now! Its hard but grown people do think like that!Don't worry about if she does respect herself or not... That's her problem, (even if you're a couple - remember you are 2 not one!) and it's on the past!The thing you really need to worry is that maybe she's not really committed to the relationship in the present time... See relationships are sometimes to sacrifice a bit for a greater cause: LOVE!By what you wrote she only puts out when she wants to and stopped doing something to please you! So that's the problem in my perspective!!!First reflect on how important everything is for you (receiving a blowjob, the fact she only is putting out when she wants)... And with clear mind choose carefully!ThenYou should talk to her... Explain that a love life without a thing like that can't be good for you... And that fact made you question yourself on how she considers you to be important or not in her life... You're questioning yourself now thinking that maybe could have something more in there... something that maybe she didn't told you... So say all that to her...Hoping for the best ;)Good luck!
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