A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:Its been two months, since then my ex and I are now 'friends' I suppose. He texts me every day and asks if i want to hang out; I've told him we aren't doing the friends with benefits thing. He's told me that eventually he wants to give us another try and I believe the same. I'm afraid I'll fall into the friendzone so much that we won't ever try getting back together but at the same time I want to try dating someone else to know for sure if he's the one... Should I just cross that bridge when I come to it? Or try to talk to him about it and what would I say so he doesn't think I want to be with him right now and completely shut me off?
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reader, anonymous, writes (3 May 2011): Oh right then he's stringing you along then instead OP, that's even worse.
All of what I said is very true OP, the only difference is, you're the one that is getting played and you're not playing him. Not only that but he's chosen drugs over being with you.
He just doesn't really like you that much OP, definitely doesn't like you enough to date you and he's probably just hoping you'll cave and be friends with benefits instead. Which you eventually will, trust me, I've been who he is and I've done what he's doing now, you will eventually cave in. Maybe not now but your need will grow and grow and eventually you will try being sexual with him again in a last ditch effort to win him back.
You see OP, he has complete and utter control over your emotions, he knows as long as he keeps being your "friend" and telling you he "might try eventually" he knows that you'll keep hanging on and won't be able to date other guys. Because you're not the kind of girl that would use other guys like that are you? You're not going to use another guy to help you get over your ex while you still have feelings for him and are in contact with him are you? You're not going to just use some guy to keep you ticking while you wait for your ex to get off drugs and hope he will take you back? Or just get with a guy and hopefully that will make your ex jealous enough to want to you.
No, you can't do that, it won't work and you will get even more hurt.
The best thing to do in this situation OP is to cut all contact with your ex, friends isn't going to work for you because you can't move on with him in your life, he has too much power over your emotions and he's not willing to protect that, he just wants sex and is willing to wait a while to get it because he knows you're not going anywhere and you eventually give in and let him.
The only thing that will make him see what you mean to him, is if he stands to lose you completely, if you tell him you can't be friends right now that you want to move on and date other people, then you'll see what happens. Above all though OP, trust your head and not your heart. And judge him on his actions and not what he says, he's not making any effort to be with you, he's only stringing you along and you're just going to get hurt. So cut him out of your life and move on. If he needs time to think then so do you. You need to do that alone, because for as long as you remain friends with him, you will remain his love slave and you will just be a lonely and sad person. it will wear you down.
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (3 May 2011): He broke it off with me and decided eventually he'd want to get back together with me. I waited 8 months to date him and now that we've broken up it seems as though he's gone back to his old habit (drugs) and I don't want to be in a relationship with someone who is always doing drugs that's why right now I don't want to be with as his girlfriend, that's why we're friends.
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reader, anonymous, writes (3 May 2011): OP you need to give us more details as to why you're only friends now and not still dating. Because the whole "lets be friends and date again in the future" thing just never works.
If you were meant to be together OP you'd be together still and not just be friends. I don't get why people have this idea that somehow in the future things will be magically different, the thing that means you can't be together now will somehow disappear on its own. That doesn't happen OP. It only happens in movies.
All that happens OP is you both stay stuck in limbo, "eventually" you will give it another "try".
You see "eventually" means you don't know when, which means you don't actually know if you will or not. "Try" means you have to force it. If you have to try OP it means that you know there's a big chance you won't be able to make it work.
OP when you love someone and when you truly are supposed to be with them then you never have to "try", it comes naturally or it just fails. Seeing as you would like to try eventually that just means then that you're just going to remain stuck on each other unable to move on just hoping that sometime in the future that whatever made you break up magically disappears. But how can you truly know that unless you completely move on from each other? While you still talk every day, you're still pretty much in a relationship but your also not.
What makes you think anyone you choose to date now will be comfortable with that kind of situation? What makes you think some guy is going to want to be your test subject in an experiment to get back with your ex? Are you really going to date someone for those reasons and use a person like that? That's not fair at all OP. If you want to be with someone else then you move on from your ex first and you don't play games, you're just going to hurt people that way.
If you really do decide to date someone just to find out whether your ex is the one, then please don't be insulted OP, but that would make you a bitch, wouldn't it? Using another guy like that, a guy that may fall in love with you only for to turn around and tell him the experiment is over and "thanks dude, you helped me see that my ex really is the one."
It sounds to me like you want to have your cake and eat it OP, it sounds like you're the one who broke it off because you're unsure about him and you want to go around using other guys and hurting them just to find out whether you want to be with this guy. So all you're doing is stringing your ex along, you're not allowing him to move on at all. You want him to stay on the back burner while you go off and use other guys.
I'm not going to tell you what you can say to him to keep him strung along. Because I don't think you should be doing that to him and you wouldn't if you cared about him. You'd allow him the time and space to move on because if you don't want to be with him now, there's nothing to say you ever will and using other guys as fodder that way is not nice at all.
OP either be with this guy or don't. What you basically asked in your question is "How can I keep leading my ex on while I go and use other guys?"
Just don't. If you don't want to be with your ex now, then let him move on, don't treat him like some kind of dog on a leash giving him false hope. If you want to date other guys, then you need to move on from your ex too. Basically if you want be broken up, then be broken up. Get over him, let him get over you and move on. The game you're playing at the moment is a dangerous one, you will lose your ex for good and you will just hurt other guys.
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male
reader, Drew21  +, writes (3 May 2011):
 I would ask for some space, and then try dating a few people.
I would act sooner rather then later, as you can't expect him to hang around forever, but i also think that if you truly want to try to find out if he is the one or no, you need some space to sort yourself out.
Just remember, this can backfire on you. I had a girl who i was head over heels for. Convinced she was The One. She told me the same, but then out of the blue said she needed some space. I gave her a good 8 months, and then i found another girl. A year later the ex came back and wanted to get together, but i had moved on...
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reader, anonymous, writes (3 May 2011): Well this is a hard one... You should follow whats stronger in you...
But if you wanna date others to be sure of him... Maybe is best to leave it so you could deal with it only when it comes to you...
See not every guy wanna hear from his ex - wanna be again - girl that she wants him to be her "insurance policy" (like if things don't work out for me with other guys I go to you again ok?!!!) Sorry but that's what he'll hear!
But again... He maybe could be wanting the same thing with you... So if you both have a good way and open mind... Talk with him... Saying that you want one day to try again... but it's too soon... Now you must be alone... And you don't want to be stuck in the friends zone with him... Be honest!
Best wishes
Hope I could help ;)
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