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age
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writes: Hello everyone I've got a real problem with my relationship my gf and I have been together for about a year and ten months but when I found out she slept with another man while we were split up I was crushed The main problem is that fact if her sleeping with another man is just tearing at me and it is making her scared because he was a drug dealer and some type of gangster and I get mad everytime she talks about her experience with him it's really putting a strain in our relationship but I know I love her and she loves me back and that this guy was just a stupid drunk mistake and I believe her but it is just hard o deal withHow do we deal with this?
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female
reader, chickpea2011  +, writes (12 June 2011):
 Hey,Glad you're feeling better. People have different opinions and point of views, at the end, you decide your life. Cheating sucks, definitely shouldn't get back together, but some cases are different and if you feel you want to give another chance? Good for you. I hope you and your girlfriend find happiness and become stronger couple. Like everybody else said, don't talk about it anymore. I know its difficult, but try not to think either.. Push yourself to stay away negative thoughts. As per the gangster? I know people say, ignore, he's nobody, but its hard not to live in fear when you live in the same neighborhood. Easy to say, right? But, be strong, don't do anything to make this guy or his friends angry. That doesn't mean you're weak, means you're a man and doing whatever takes to survive. Also, don't live in fear and become paranoid, will get better, just concentrate in your life, your happiness and don't let anybody tell you otherwise...God bless... :-)
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reader, anonymous, writes (11 June 2011): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThank you all for the advice I've already talked to her about it and we both promised to never talk about it again but the main reasons why she is scared is because either she hears guys talk about her and her time with him and also she heard guys talking about her almost like they are planning something and that is what's she fears and I don't know how to comfort her when this happens because considering where I live stuff has happened and recently too...
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male
reader, Tbonex +, writes (11 June 2011):
 See, that's messed up. If she had any respect for the relationship you two had together, she wouldn't have found a rebound guy for comfort. There are many women in the world like that and some men too but, sometimes, people like to go to others for...things. I think the "drunk" part was just an excuse. She knew what she was doing regardless unless she was slipped a date rape drug or something that just wowed her mind but, I've been drunk before and am fully functional with my mind and know what's going on around me still. I am still able to make good decisions sloppy drunk. That's overrated and a flat out excuse to not look like the bad person. That was an excuse, but you love her. Follow your heart.
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reader, anonymous, writes (10 June 2011): I kind of disagree with the others here OP. I think you need to stop talking about it with her and tell her to stop talking about it. How can you get over the past if it's constantly being brought up?
Really, jealousy is bad enough but being told the details makes it far more graphic in our minds and makes the jealousy a million times worse because we can picture every detail of it. All you need to know is that she slept with another guy while you split.
Forget about him being some kind of gangster or drug dealer, who cares? He's no threat to you. It's not as if he's still pursuing her or anything is it? I doubt it, she was just another piece of ass to him. People like that are like rabid dogs, you don't have to fear them you just don't step on their toes or encroach on their territory.
Look I don't know the details of your split but personally, if I was in your situation I wouldn't have gotten back together with her after she slept with another guy. For me whether it was drunken mistake or a rebound, or even if it was something she wanted I wouldn't get back with her. A girl that wants and deserves to be with me is going to fight for me, not go to the arms and bed of another guy, especially one that is like him for comfort. It would be a deal breaker for me.
Look you have to move past this and time is the only thing that will help, but you really have to stop talking about it, you have to stop that because while you keep doing that you're keeping it in your mind. The thoughts are still there and I bet they plague you, I bet you feel disgusted when you think about it too. That will fade though as long as you let it go. So just tough it out, stop talking about it and in time it will fade. The only other options you have is to break up because you can't change what happened so you either have to live with it or walk away.
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reader, anonymous, writes (10 June 2011): Now that was when you split up. Not when you we're together. "I get mad everytime she talks about her", Don't talk about it. Forget it and move on. Its done. And it was done when you werent together. You both love each other, be happy. Also you said she gets scared. Assure her that nothing can happen to her because you're always there for her. So, Don't talk about it or think about it anymore but concentrate on you're life and what's ahead.
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female
reader, bittersweetmemory  +, writes (10 June 2011):
 well it takes time to accept something like that.
but good thing is she did it while you two were not together, she considers it a mistake and she regrets it..that doesn't give you any reasons not to trust her...do you think you have a hard time trusting her?
i think this is an issue you have to get over..you need to accept it and leave it all behind otherwise is constantly going to get to you and that way get to the two of you and might influence really badly your relationship. I do believe it would be stupid to lose a nice relationship because of a mistake like that.
How about you two have a last conversation about it and do your bests , both of you, to leave it in the past and enjoy the time you have together without worrying about it anymore?
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reader, anonymous, writes (10 June 2011): It will heal in time. You do need to get your head round this though and move on. Understand that what your feeling is jealosuy and a wounded ego and pride. She hasnt really done anyhting wrong, you were broke up, remember?
How would you feel if it was the other way round? You'd want her to forgive you, right? I do agree with the other poster, you need to stop talking about this togtehr, that is not good for your relationship. Is there someone else you can confide in, like a good friend?
No-one is perfect and we all make mistakes, this is a learning curve and actually you can use this experience to grow as a person. You dont have to see things negatively.
Just keep remembering you love her, she's done nothing wrong and you werent togther. Hope this helps.
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female
reader, Ima FreAk!  +, writes (10 June 2011):
 Hiyaaa,
Firstly you shouldn't be upset because she went out with someone while you guys weren't going out anymore.
Secondly... the druggie guy is the rebounder because you guys got back together.
When she talks about him and you don't like it you should tell her because that way she can realise what she is doing and hopefully change. Girls like it when guys are honest but if you say it, make sure you say it in a gentle kind tone so she doesn't get the wrong idea.
If you do tell her... make sure you tell her about the pain and how she wouldn't like if you talked about another women constantly in her face. Maybe that way she could emphasize a little more.
Hope my advice helps!
Cheer up poppet!
Good luck!
Lots of love,
Ima FreAk
x
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female
reader, chickpea2011 +, writes (10 June 2011):
I know how you feel, been there... How do you deal with it? 1st step: need all your questions answered truthfully. Need to know the truth.. 2nd step: let your anger, pain out. Let her know that you feel pain, anger and betrayed. You have to let all this feelings out, otherwise will eat you inside.
I guess it was a drunken mistake? Ok, now that she told you the truth, admit, its time to heal. I know some days you feel ok, but suddenly out of the blue the anger comes back unexpected. You feel progress, takes so much energy, and takes one second to bring you down to zero again. I know, its frustrating, but you got to be kind and patience with yourself. Once all the anger, communications, questions are all resolved, its time to fix relationship.
Try spending more time with her, do fun things, do things that make you both happy. Be kind, nice, sweet to her, just like it was in the beginning...if you want to be together, work on this relationship, you need to forgive her, what she did was wrong, no matter drunk mistake, still a mistake. You're right to feel this way, no excuse or answer will ever justify her actions, but you need to accept, forgive and move on, if not for her, for yourself.
What matter is that you both love each other and wants to be together. She's human and even perfect people make mistake and is part of being human. Sometimes we just make stupid mistakes. Give both you a chance to be happy again. time don't heal is what you do with time that will help you get your life back to normal. Don't waste any more of your precious time thinking about a looser that she met once... Life is too precious, she loves you NOT him, that's why she still with you, by your side. I know its hard, she doesn't deserve your attention at this moment, but appreciate her and she'll be a better girlfriend to you too.
Just concentrate in your life and the people around you that loves you. Just be carefull with this guy? You said he's a gangster? I'll be scared too, these people are not very bright, don't make sense, not rational, just very unpredictable people. They don't care about nobody or life? Don't do anything to upset this guy.
Good luck-hope this help?
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