A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:I need some advise, I have recently disowned my brother for cheating on his wife with her mate...her mate was also the bridesmaid at their wedding. I am not the only one that as disowned him, so as my mother and brother and the rest of the family. None of us want anything to do with him well he is in a realtionship with her. He as an 11 month old son with his wife and doesn't do right by him either, see's him for a couple of hours at most and his son as started crying and not wanting to go with him. His wife as never stopped him seeing him and as tried to get him to have their son more despite what he as done and he just isn't interested at all. It seems all that matters at the minute is this girl.We are all upset and it's been 3 months now. He was asked to choose and he chose her. We were always close as a family, my mum did everything for him and his wife was a good wife. We will never get the answers as to why he as hurt his family so badly but we can't have anything to do with him well he is with her because that would mean condoning his actions and we don't. Some people may not agree with that but he as changed and he is no longer the loving family orientated son, brother, wife, dad that we all knew. We know she influences him when it comes to him seeing his son and his relationship with his son should be the most important thing in his life and at the moment it isn't. It's getting to the point where my sister in law is going to make him have supervised visits until my brother can prove himself because their son just doesn't want to go with him and he doesn't know his daddy anymore and that is sad!!My question I suppose is I can cope with not having anything to do with him. He as no one around him for any kind of support, all he as now is her and her family. Will he ever realise what he as lost? We he ever come to his senses and leave this girl? His wife doesn't want him back not now as he as caused too much pain and because of what he is doing to their son, I believe he will never have a proper relationship with his son well he is with her, he as already proved it as he as ample opportunity to prove what a good dad he can be in spite of everything what as happened. She is manipulative and I believe that it won't last, I know my brother but I just want other peoples thoughts on the situation.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (11 June 2011): You / the sister has written in before.
If u are indeed his wife: don't wait around for him to come to his sense. Why would you anyway?
If u are his sister: it is noble of you to make a choice of not having anything to do with him. Its a hard choice but a necessary one.
Karma always catches up with people.
Move on and enjoy your life.
LoveGirl
A
female
reader, chickpea2011  +, writes (10 June 2011):
 Very sorry that your family are going through so much pain and stress..
My family were very close family too. But, 3 close brothers don't speak to each for years because of their wives didn't get along. My brother and I are only 1 year aprt we grow up very close, we did everything together, now we're in the early 30's & because of his wife I haven't talk to my brother for 9 years. Mine situation is different no cheating, so there's hope for you. My point is, I understand how you feel, how important family is, I understand the anger, pain and frustration. Its shocking to see you own brother change so much...
My advise: I believe that your family did all you could to stop him. Your family made it very clear how you all feel, the choices, etc. He made his decision and unfortunately, "for now" you all have to accept it"
The more your whole family go against him, the more he'll feel anger and become even more close to this new other woman. So, for now, give him his space. He needs to learn from himself his own mistakes. The more your family pressure him, the more he'll reject you all. What your family is doing right now is helping this other woman, you're all throwing him to her arms.
Hopefully, he'll realize what a huge mistake he made, he'll appreciate his son, might take a while, but I am sure he'll come around. Let him be alone w/his new woman. Let him miss your family...what your brother did was wrong, but what's worst is this woman, that was one of the bridesmaid? Disgusting...shows how no class, no heart, selfish person she's. Hopefully he'll see that, what goes around comes around.
Good luck!
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (10 June 2011): Are you actually the wife you speak of, and are just pretending to be the sister of your partner?
Because very recently there was a woman here who was left by her partner, who also had an 11 month old child. He would only come around to give his son his tea/supper and then leave again. The woman did not want to restrict father-son contact but with the lack of effort on the mans part but had to resprt to supervised visit.
All the advice given in that post applies.
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A
female
reader, AuntyEm +, writes (10 June 2011):
 Wow, really sad and upsetting situation for you all I am sure...and so frustrating.
As maddening as it is, there is very little you can do and it's one of those situations where your brother is going to learn the hard way. Afterall he is a grown man!
Any input you or the family has that is negative is just going to be seen by him as interfering and that may well push him deeper into the relationship.
A better approach might be to support your sister-in-law and your baby nephew as much as you can. Make sure the baby gets to see his extended family because very often, not maintaining contact might cause your sis-in-law to move away completely.
When things have calmed down a little, write to your brother, let him know he is still part of the family and that you love him but that you choose to support his son and his ex wife as they are obviously upset...then you need to let him get on with it. He may realise what he has lost eventually, or things might work out with the 'new woman'...who knows.
Nobody can force anything, he can't expect the family support whilst he is neglecting his son and you can't expect him to go back to his wife when he has no intention to!
It is extremely irritating and I am sure it's causing massive tension amongst you all but give the help where it's needed...to his wife and child. That way you will all be kept in the baby's life and give the extended love and attention that your brother isn't.
I like the old saying 'Give him enough rope and he will hang himself'...I think your brother will eventually come around if left to his own devices. At least you will not have caused further conflicts if you all just step back a little.
Good luck and let us know how it goes!
xx Em
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