A
male
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:So i told my girlfriend of a year and four months that my friend, one of my best friends, want to come visit me at my college for a day. she goes here to but she hates him. the only reason she hates him is because she thinks he got me to break up with her which isnt true and maybe cause he smokes weed alot. she said i dont want him to come down its either me or him. i talked to her for awhile and kind of changed her mind and then the next day she was like he cant sleep in your room. i didnt even know what to say and a few days later she is back to its him or me and im having this guy come sleep in my room then, and you dont have any respect for me. what is your advice
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (14 October 2010): I just want to add a female's perspective. I realize that two females have already commented, using the exprssion "bros before ho's" which is extremely disrespectful. I find it strange that any female would condone this phrase, let alone two of them in a row..while the previous MALE posters were not barbaric enough to use such an immature and degrading expression. I haven't heard it since high school. Now that my rant has concluded, here's my advice to you. Did anyone ever advise you, should your friends break up with their signif. others, you should NOT say negative things about them or encourage the break up? Why? Because if they get back together, you will lose your friend. That's how it should be. Loyalty in a relationship is crucial. She should never have had to make it an ultimatum--she's giving you a second chance my giving you this choice. Don't mess up again. Lose the friend, it's what you should have done as her boyfriend to begin with.
A
female
reader, Honeypie +, writes (16 September 2010):
 I thought the saying:" Bro's before Ho's" was the typical for guys? ;)
I would talk to her again and ask her how she would feel if you told her to cut out her BFF.
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A
female
reader, tennisstar88 +, writes (16 September 2010):
Really, let me clarify that most women do know we can't tell a guy what he can and can't do or pick his friends for him, especially when you're just boyfriend/girlfriend. Now when you're married you have a small say but even then you gotta pick and choose your battles. She's a rather controlling one, and clearly she hasn't learned this thumb of rule or heard the saying "Bros before hoes". The end results are never good, it's really never in the girl's favor. Plus pulling this kind of card every time she'll lead one single life. So she's putting her foot down, rather unnecessary though, it's either her or him. Are you going to give into her controlling ways or are you going to keep your pot smoking friend whom you've been friends with for how long? Personally, I would choose your friend because he can quit smoking weed. You're girlfriend can't quit being controlling anytime soon and she needs to learn she can't force you to choose between her or your friend.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (16 September 2010): You know I have always had a rule about people that say "it's him/her or me" I have never and I mean never chosen the person that demands I choose.
You know what, it has always worked out well for me. I seriously can't ever think of a time when I actually would be happy with a person forcing me to choose in that way. It shows a lack of respect, it shows an attempt to dominate and it shows utter contempt and a lack of faith in me that I have never put up with.
It is very unfair to make someone choose like that, just because they don't like the person doesn't mean you can't like them. If that person ever did something horrible to them then I would get rid of them, but I have never just dumped a friend because another friend or girlfriend wants me to. That would make me a bad person, a shallow, controlled person and frankly I would end up resenting the person that made me choose for making me that kind of person.
Plus it's a very dangerous habit to get into, ceding to irrational demands like that. If she knows that she can play the "him/her or me" card and it works then this won't be the she does this. If she really loves you then she'll accept you and your friends, she doesn't have to like him or spend time with him but she can't make unfair demands on you either.
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A
male
reader, dirtball +, writes (16 September 2010):
 I personally hate ultimatums like this. I don't believe that anyone has a right to tell me who I can or can't be friends with. So if I were in your shoes, I would say that he's coming to visit for one night. If you trust me enough to date me for the last year and 4 months, then you should trust that I will make the right decisions when I'm with my friend.
I'll bet you've known this friend longer than you have her. She sounds too controlling for my tastes. But like I said, I really don't like people who try to tell me who I can and can't be friends with.
Still, CaringGuy has a point. I don't think she will let this fly. You have to choose which is more important to you. What does she think he'll do in his one night anyway?
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A
male
reader, CaringGuy  +, writes (16 September 2010):
Who do you want? Her or your friend? You clearly can't have both. At first your girlfriend came across as controlling, but he smokes weed and she clearly has a vendetta against him, blaming him for a previous break up. So her or him. Pick carefully.
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