A
male
age
30-35,
*hatsgoingon?
writes:Hey people I REALLY need some advice... My girfriend and I have been dating for over 4 years now and even though we had our rough periods (4months breakup) that happened almost a year ago we still are back together and are going strong...I think. The problem with our relationship before is that she use to lie to me about simple things or not tell me the full truth about it. I know she hasn't cheated on me but her behavior one day will lead to it I know. For example when we first got together she use to talk to a male friend all the time, which wasn't a problem to me. During that time she also use to tell me about her ex. So at times when we would talk on the phone and her male friend would call she would get off and call me back later. Later on I found out the guy was in fact her ex on the phone. The second scenario is when she was working and at the time she didnt have many friends. So she met this other guy at her job who was cool. But I got the vibe from meeting him that he really liked her so I expressed my concern to her about it. She told me that he was a friend and that he didn't like her he looked at her as a little sister which I believed stupidly. A year later after their friendship dwindled away (due to him going out with my gf's best friend and treating her bf badly) she told me that the guy really did like her and tried to talk to her. Anyway the bitterness from these and counteless other scenarios made me irritable and just quick tempered over the years which I do admit. But we got passed that period and now supposedly are starting on a fresh new foot. Recently, I had a gut feeling that something was not right again in our relationship. The guy that my gf had been talking to during our breakup last June was trying to talk to her again as "friends." He has said this countless times to her since she got back with me which did not bother me. The part that bothered me is that when I looked into my gf's email suspecting something was wrong. He did try to contact her through facebook and she never mentioned it to me. Not telling her I checked the email I asked her to be honest and tell me if she is being truthful with me. I asked her if the guy tried to contact her recently and she said no. I asked her is she sure and she said, "no, I mean he's tried to contact me before." She said that she that if she talks to him its because she feels pity for him. So I said okay. Figuring we had this conversation she would stop talking to him, I checked her email a week later. In her inbox he messaged her 9 times asking how she is, how is she doing, what is she doing today, can he call her, and what not. She told him she was sick and he told her he hope she feels better and to get some rest. By the amount of messages I could tell she was responding to him without any resistance. Next day he messages her and says "Hey beautiful" and I guess she says "nothing whats up" because he says, "nothing much, what you plan on doing for the day. I looked down and another guy messaged her asking for her number, Idk if she gave it to him because the next message was "Oh you live in DC thats far." My question is do you think she should tell me these things? If she doesn't tell me the whole truth is that the same as lying? That the guy is still contacting her and that she is actually talking to him? And I know he is trying to sneak his way back in especially saying comments like Hey Beautiful. Do you people think she is trying to cover up something or just thinks about herself more than the relationship? If so, how do I tell her that? (She gets offended when I say that). She says she has a hard time telling someone not to talk to her anymore. So what do I say to that? What do you guys and gals think of the whole situation? just please give me some honest and full opinions and answer my questions I really need it. Thanks
View related questions:
best friend, cheated on me, facebook, her ex, period Reply to this Question
Share |
Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
male
reader, LovelessAct1 +, writes (18 January 2011):
Everyone lies sometimes, but nobody lies for absolutely no reason. Lying is usually grounded in some sort of insecurity and is only done to avoid truths that may create more unwanted tension. If you have been with her 4 years, I'm certain, as you said, that she isn't cheating. However, she does feel the need to spare arguments and fights about these topics and her simple solution is to lie about it.
And that sort of thing is very common in relationships. One person doesn't want to offend the other, make them worry, make them angry, and overall risk fighting or breaking up. So what do they do? They either don't mention it at all or lie about it. In their minds, the risk of lying is a risk well taken if it means avoiding a fight.
The bottom line is, she doesn't feel you'd handle it very well if she did tell you, so she avoids saying things. That could be her fault for simply having trust issues or it could be your fault for giving off a vibe that may have told her that this sort of thing would upset you. Either way, I suggest really talking about it, but make sure she knows that the conversation is NOT about the other guy (make it clear that the only thing you're concerned about is the fact that she's lying) Trust me, that will put more points in your favor.
And you'll need them, considering you'll have to tell her you looked in her inbox. Theres no easy way to say it, but you may just have to admit you were flat out wrong in doing it, but only did so because you were worried. Again, make sure she knows this isn't about the guy she's talking to, its about the lies. While being overprotective of her guy friends makes you come off as controlling, being concerned with being lied to is a real problem that she can't ignore.
How can things change? You need to show her that she can put her trust in you as well. I know I know, she is the one that is lying... but she'll only continue to lie if she's convinced that you won't handle the truth well. If you constantly show signs of jealousy or uneasiness when it comes to her guy friends, she'll most likely continue to hide them from you in the future. Make it clear that she doesn't have to feel guilty about talking to other guys, even if you truly are not okay with it. You don't want her resenting you for being overbearing or protective of her. Even if you have good intentions or its all in her head, you still want to take these careful measures to show her she can tell anything to you and that you'll always be there for her to support her.
Best of luck.
A
male
reader, Whatsgoingon? +, writes (18 January 2011):
Whatsgoingon? is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThanks people! I really appreciate it. We are meeting tomorrow to talk, never told her about what though so she would not come prepared. I'm going to print the email but not bring it out. I'm not even going to bring it up. Instead I am going to tell her how I feel and ask her what does she want from me in this relationship because it is not fair that I have to feel this way. Would it be alright to ask her," If there is nothing wrong being said or going on, would you mind showing me what the conversation actually was so I could at least feel comfortable that something isnt wrong?"
...............................
A
female
reader, pepper27  +, writes (18 January 2011):
 If she said she would'nt mind, (sorry) Then you are not on the same wave length
...............................
A
female
reader, pepper27 +, writes (18 January 2011):
Hi Hun
The one thing I really dont like is half truths, Going around in circles and not really being totally honest is not in my mind right, if you love someone then you should have nothing to hide at all...
Guys will come on to girls women all the time and you really have to be quite straight with them " Im in a relationship and Im happy mate, So if your looking for more jog on"
If the guy is wanting to be mates he would be fine with this and more than happy to meet you, And she should introduce you to male mates if not to be polite but to pop your mind at rest..How would she feel if you met a girl told her and then secretly E-mailed..I know how Id feel and that sweetheart would be to run in the other direction, It would make me uncomfortable just as you are feeling and if there is nothing in it at all then there is nothing to hide, SIMPLE!
If someone said hi beautiful Id show my partner and def think more than twice if he had other ideas than being just mates, Its nice to be showered with compliments its also away of keeping your options open, And that is not being honest and truthful...
Its also really not nice to have had to go to her E-mails to find this out, If you trusted her hunny you wouldnt have even thought about it..
You really need to have a good talk with her, It may not be cheating just put the shoe on the other foot and ask her quite outright how it would make her feel if you didnt tell her all the things that you no she hasnt been honest about, If she is honest about that and Im betting she would not like that at all, She may then think about what she is doing, On the other hand if she said she would mind Id say you are not on the same wave length and this relationship isnt for you....I hope this has helped TAKE CARE OF YOU LOVE MANDY XX
...............................
A
female
reader, Abella +, writes (18 January 2011):
 you have your work cut out for you with this minx. What does she use for a backbone? Jelly? Of course she can say: ''Do not contact me again. You are being played.
If she was just emailing the local store with questions like 'do you have X product in stock' or emails to known relatives, like 'Mom can i have that recipe for..' and stuff to her known best friends (female) then I'd have no problems.
Her ex-Guy is already no good for continuing pursuit of your girl.
And she is at fault for not blocking him. Instead she continues to respond to him. And she lies about it.
Her emails are not innocuous. They
include serious attempts at hook -ups.
You may trust her. I would not trust her.
Be aware that she may go on the offensive and deny. But it does not wash.
She is not telling you the truth. She's lied not once, but multiple times. I think it gives her a lift to have more than one guy angling to interest her. And lying to any guy seems pretty easy for her to justify. You know this girl more than anyone. And I believe you have correctly sized up that this girl would cheat on any guy, as long as she's sure she will not be found out.
There are faithful girls out there. For when you are single again
...............................
A
male
reader, shawncaff +, writes (18 January 2011):
 Well, it is true that honesty is the best policy, and it is clear she lied to you. But I think you have to ask about her motives and reasons. If she was lying because she was cheating, well, it's obvious then that she is unstable, untrustworthy and unworthy of being your girlfriend.But it doesn't sound like she was cheating. You write yourself that she has a hard time telling someone not to talk to her anymore. It sounds to me like these people contacted her and she did not know what to say so she kept talking to them. Then she probably felt it would upset you, so she lied.If she talked to these guys out of awkwardness and politeness, then I could accept that. If she was doing it to flirt or to feel attractive, then this is something that must be addressed. I don't know her so only you can make the call as to what she was thinking. Perhaps speaking with her and not beating around the bush as you did might help you determine what it really was. (You might also do a trick which I once did in a similar situation: create a fake facebook account--it does not take long--and email her from there as a handsome guy interested in her. Flirt with her and be charming. Based on her reply you might determine what's going on.)The point I am trying to make is simply that lying alone is not a deal-breaker. It's only when the lying is done in order to cheat on you or in other ways cover up something she did wrong to you that it becomes an issue.Good luck!
...............................
A
male
reader, Whatsgoingon? +, writes (18 January 2011):
Whatsgoingon? is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThanks Mr.Smith
Can anyone else provide some input?
...............................
A
male
reader, Mr. Smith +, writes (17 January 2011):
My friend... experience has tought me that a lie lead to another lie and so forth. Ig you feel insecure and loss of trust in her, do your self a favor and split up. Even though some people might not agree with me on this, but I'd rather be at ease with my feelings that to continuosly feel as if my "other half" is lying and possible worse.
...............................
|
