A
male
age
41-50,
*ekten
writes:My girlfriend and I have been together for about 6 years; everything went pretty well, except for the past couple months when we both had a lot of stress from our jobs. Things are better now though (better work hours).The problem now is that she says she's unsure about "us" and wants to find herself, that is: she loves me very deeply, but she doesn't feel "in love" anymore.Now most might say "it's over dude", but that's just it: when we go to sleep, she wants me to hold her and goes "please don't go". Throughout the day, there are intimate moments (kissing, holding hands, etc), although none involve sex. She also said that she wants to try to work on the relationship.So that leaves things in a really confused state: I don't want to throw away a good 6 year relationship just because of a single rough patch, as long as there's hope of the relationship moving forward. At the same time, it's agonizing to have a "sort of" relationship.I'm really at a loss how to read these mixed signals.Any advice or insights would be greatly appreciated! Reply to this Question
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male
reader, anysecondnow  +, writes (19 March 2010):
Happy for you Dekken. Hope things work out and she comes to appreciate what she has in you.
A
male
reader, Dekten +, writes (18 March 2010):
Dekten is verified as being by the original poster of the questionHere's a followup if you're interested: during the past few days, we've made a lot of progress: we've been doing nice activities together and we've also been talking a lot more than we have during the past few months.
Now she's taking more initiative to be with me. I just have to focus on having my own activities while also showing interest in her.
You could say that I've taken everyone's advice here. I don't know where things are headed, so I'll continue to take it one day at a time.
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A
male
reader, Dekten +, writes (15 March 2010):
Dekten is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThanks for your responses, guys! I really appreciate your insights! Thank you very much for that. I'll add some responses:
@ anysecondnow: I think you have an excellent point with the respect part; in fact, she pretty much hinted at that some weeks ago. I've been working on that with some success, but it's hard to fully detach when you're sleeping in the same bed every night. Maybe I should just buy her a stretcher and kick her out of the bed :-)
Strangely, she seems to show more of an interest if I'm angry with her or come home late. The only day I noticed real attraction in the past month was after I told her to F herself and shut the door in her face (after being told "I'm not in love, sorry"). It's VERY atypical of me to behave like that, but that was really the only time there appeared to be a spark.
I've also been thinking about something else: whenever she wants to hug or cuddle, I'm there. Her needs are already being met, so what incentive does she have to change the situation?
@ anonymous female reader: yeah, I've always thought our relationship was rock solid... but maybe a wake-up call like this can make us grow as a couple.
@ Brunel: we have talked several times, but she can't really offer any new information. So it takes action from my side. I'd just like to figure out which course of action (or in-action) is best to rebuild (mutual) respect. Being Mr. Nice Guy doesn't appear to cut it.
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A
male
reader, anysecondnow +, writes (15 March 2010):
I have been through something very similar and played for the fool, so my advice is a bit jaded...
It sounds to me like in the back of her mind she has made a decision, and you are already out.
A woman is typically no longer "in love" when she doesn't respect you anymore. The way to get a woman's respect is to be emotionally independent. the worst thing you can do is be needy.
So I am going to give you fucked up advice for this fucked up world we live in. Take steps to become emotionally independent of her. Detach yourself. Be less available to her. Invest in other friendships. Get a new hobby. Have an affair.
It will either cause her to take a new interest in you or it will at least prepare you for life after she's gone...
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A
female
reader, MRZ_SHANELL  +, writes (15 March 2010):
 i think the both of you should gone on an adventurous vacation, and have a lot of fun it shud get yur mind off things for awhile, and hopefully that spark in yur relationship will once be a flame again :-}
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (14 March 2010): Please, please remember: you don't have to be "in love" to love someone very deeply. This is what your girlfriend is currently experiencing with you. You say you have both been under a lot of stress at work, therefore she will not necessarily be very interested in sex, but your girlfriend is very interested indeed in being cuddled and made to feel secure and loved - the sex will come again in time as the stress diminishes. You can make her feel special by being as attentive as ever, loving without putting pressure on her to have sex, cuddling and snuggling as often as possible. All relationships have these "blips" from time to time,it does NOT mean the end of the relationship is nigh! Be patient, I feel certain all will come good again soon. After all, you have both invested 6 years into this relationship and if this is the first time you have experienced this type of problem, you have done amazingly well and you have a good basis for riding out this blip. Good luck and good loving.
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A
male
reader, Brunel  +, writes (14 March 2010):
I fear that this may be the start of the end. Being stressed and under pressure does not make you move apart does it. What are the real reasons for her feelings?
Go away together overnight and talk it all through as I see this as the relationship coming to an end-maybe not now but eventually?
Are you that comitted as yous eem very calm and resigned to this in the limited view in your text?
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