A
male
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:My girlfriend is extremely insecure and controlling. To her credit, she was absolutely honest with me up front about her "tendencies" but said during her 7 months of being single prior to dating me, she had softened up a bit. (Her ex-boyfriend of 2 years broke up with her for being smothering). We have now been dating for about a year and a half. She is an extremely good looking girl and I catch guys eyeballing her all the time, which really doesn't bother me because she makes me feel very secure. Anyway, over the past several months, she has gained about 15-20# and now has an extremely distorted body image. She is always wearing baggy clothing. We go to the beach often, but she wears pants and a t-shirt...i haven't even seen her in a bikini in over a year. In the bedroom, it has to be VERY dark b/c she really doesn't want me to see her. Usually she keeps herself covered up. She rarely intiates sex. I try my best to keep showing interest and initiating sex but her worsening insecurity is driving a stake through our relationship and I find myself less and less attracted to her. Onto her controlling behavior. If she ever caught me watching porn--game over (she was up front about this from the beginning). If she ever caught me at a strip club--game over. If she ever caught me at a bachelor party--game over. I can see her point on the porn, strip club, and bachelor parties so I don't even make it a point to argue on those issues. I would be crucified if she ever heard me make a comment about another girl being "hot" (like a celebrity), I'm never allowed to watch any movies that are just "stupid porn movies" in her eyes (i.e., she's out of my league, american pie, spartacus)What really drives me nuts is her never allowing me to hang out with my friends when she's not around. Her argument is that she trusts me, she just doesn't trust my friends (which all my friends are young professionals in steady/engaged relationships, making this an invalid point). I'm not even talking about hitting the bars or clubs with my friends, for a "guys night"--i'm talking she won't even let me go over to a friend's house to play poker or go to the beach with my friends if she can't be there to monitor me. About the extent of my freedom is she's okay with me going fishing or golfing or hanging out with ONE friend at a time. We are always the first to leave any social function. I ALWAYS get attitude any time I want to do stuff, even though i'm bringing her with me. If she had it her way, she would stay in bed and watch tv/movies 24x7. Bottom line: If she is unavailable (i.e., b/c she's at work), any activity I choose to do I HAVE to do it alone. Obviously, I have enough respect for myself that I put my foot down when she's clearly crossing the line, which just results in a HUGE argument followed by hourse of silent pouting showing me how unhappy she is with my decision to go against her wishes. Also, whenver we are out w/ friends, I get the sense she is just staring at me waiting for me to say/do something that violates the rules of our relationship that "we agreed upon when we first started dating". Before everybody thinks I'm a total asshole, I've done nothing to deserve this lack of trust (she is just scarred from past relationships). I make it a point to tell her often how beautiful she is and try my best to make her feel secure. BUUT, to reiterate, it is taking more of a conscious effort to act this away around her because, quite frankly, I am starting to hate her. And the funniest part is, she's been hearing wedding bells since the day we started dating and just can't seem to understand why I haven't put a ring on her finger (she throws a 2 day silent temper tantrum any time somebody she knows gets engaged). I am very honest with her and tell her how I feel about her controlling and insecure behavior...HOPING that it will somewhat improve...she always apologizes after our fights...but nothing ever gets resolved. I have even told her that I'm becoming increasingly miserable but all she tells me is how happy she is with me and how much she loves me and how much she needs me. I'm the kind of person that wants to exhaust all measures before breaking things off, but I'm reaching a boiling point here. And if you're wondering why I have put up with such (in my opinion) "abusive" behavior for so long and not ended it awhile ago, is because, quite frankly (and shallowly) she is very attractive, is very loyal to me, is very street smart, and will be a good mother...Any advice or anybody out there that can relate to my experience (b/c I'm starting to become brainwashed that the way she treats me is normal behavior and a sign of love and sacrifice but I have to constantly remind myself that how she treats me is not ok).
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female
reader, Anicet  +, writes (5 April 2011):
This sounds like me too!
Actually my relationship with my ex started off very well! I used to be completely confident in myself and loved going out and hanging with people and had no problem with him hanging out with anyone girls or guys because I trusted him. Then around the end of our first year I started gaining weight and basically the same as cupidus, but on top of that I had been growing suspicious of him and my bestfriend at the time.
We ended moving cities for school and such, and it just kept getting worse. He ended up meeting so many new people and started going out without me, drinking a lot, smoking, he would go through bouts where he would be very inclusive and make me feel loved and then other moments where I felt so depressed by things he would say to me.
Now it doesn't sound like your being a dick, but maybe she's not helping herself because she isn't happy with the relationship either? I stopped caring about my weight and my looks and anything really because I was so depressed by my relationship. Maybe you should talk to her about her problems and why she has stopped taking an interest in the rest of the world. Why shes so uncomfortable with you, maybe shes afraid of telling you? Maybe she needs an outside friend.
I actually ended up breaking up with my boyfriend because he was being manipulative and making me feel like a shitty girlfriend and made me feel like I wasn't a good person. I also found out my ex WAS doing things with my EX-bestfriend, which started the insecurity in the first place. Somethings wrong and communication is definitely key here. Don't push her though in a negative way or you might make it worse but definitely get it sorted, because your just going to ruin each others lives if you don't get it worked out.
Goodluck ^^;
A
female
reader, cupidus +, writes (5 April 2011):
 You have her list of limitations set in gold.But I don't think you gave her your limitations.Time to let her know when Game is Over for you.If it hurts her emotionally that is what will get her to look into her own insecurities, it will be a teaching field for her. Many people go through RS's to learn how to evolve not to stay stuck in their own skins. If she isn't growing it's because you have not been honest. Love hurts but also heals.It touches those dark places we fear to tread. Approach her with a compassionate honesty but be direct.If she starts to seem insecure don't reassure her, it will keep her blocked off from hearing you. Keep the conversation about your needs. She may feel threatened or attempt at a truce. There is no way of knowing until you are honest.
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A
female
reader, Jen1689 +, writes (5 April 2011):
 I hate to say it, but you've put yourself in this position. She told you BEFORE you got together with her that she had insecurities and control issues. And instead of saying, "You should really get those things sorted before we try this out," you said, "I'll be with you anyway. Hopefully things will change." Not a good move.First of all, you should never EVER get into a relationship with someone hoping that either you can change them or they will willingly change for you. This is how abusive relationships start and never end. If a person is a certain way before they get with you (i.e. bad habits, faithfulness and loyalty issues, insecurities, drinking/drug problems, annoying traits, etc), they will not change just because another asks it of them. When you enter into a relationship with a person with those problems, you're agreeing to be with them for THEM, not for who you want them to be. By agreeing that her habits were tolerable at first, you agreed that they're tolerable now, which they're not, and honestly, they never were.Second of all, you've given into these demands of her for so long now, and catered to her insecurities as to not cause a riff, that to ask her to quit now would be kind of unfair. Not "unfair" in the true sense of the word, as what she's asking of you is truly unfair, but "unfair" as in, it would hold no ground and would thus have no effect. For two years you have let this go on, and so for two years you have been saying, "This sucks, but okay, because I love her." A change should have been made in her behavior not even a month into your relationship. Also, setting ground rules for a relationship is fine, i.e. no cheating, no drugs or heavy partying, no hanging out with exes or ex-flames, etc. But forbidding you to do certain activities with friends, or forbidding you to watch movies with minor nudity, or forbidding you to have porn is a little extreme, and that should have been a HUGE red-flag right there. Any relationship that starts that way is only doomed to get worse, and I'm afraid your post proves it.You need to break up with her. She's not going to change if she's this insecure with herself. It's nothing that your relationship with her can make better. These are issues that she needs to work out for herself. Tell her that. Simply telling her that these issues are bothering you isn't going to help her self-esteem. She needs to see someone, a professional. Don't let an apology and a day or so of improvement change your mind, either. People who don't know how to change often will give you a glimpse of hope for a moment so that you'll continue to try to change things and stick by their side. Manipulation by people of people they "love" is almost contradictory to itself because, while most would think that someone would manipulate a person they love, that's the most given reason for a manipulator's ways. "I don't want you to do that because I love you." So the opposite of how it should be.I hope you cut ties with this girl, and actually follow-through with it. Telling her it's over and then going back with re-confirm that she can behave this way and get away with it. You deserve better, and she needs to get help. Take it from someone who's been to Hell and back with insecurity. I still have major issues with it, but it's not my fiance's problem. I don't restrict him from doing anything. He can go out, he can watch porn, he can have friends - girls and guys. My issues are not his problem, just as your girlfriend's are not your problem, and you can't be the one to fix them. She has to. Good luck.
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A
female
reader, Yetilicious +, writes (5 April 2011):
 Well. In all honestly, I think we all have a few insecurity issues in one way or the other. I think if you really care about someone you're always going to worry a little bit that one day they might meet someone else and leave you. However, it is absolutely wrong of her to expect you not to hang out with your friends without her, like you are a little kid who needs a babysitter. It's quite bizarre, I would never want to keep anyone away from there friends. If her being attractive is the only reason you're staying with her right now, then you don't love her. If for whatever reason you want to give it one last try what I suggest is telling her "look, if you care about me and you want this relationship, you are going to have to start trusting me. Constantly babysitting me when I go out with my friends is NOT trust. I do things and go out of my way to make you happy, you need to start doing that for me. I want this relationship and I want you, but if you can't do this for me I can't live like this. If you want me to stay, you have to stop being so controlling and just trust me." You should also tell her that her not letting you watch movies just because an attractive woman is in it is childish and ridiculous. Seriously, that would be a huge turn off for me. In fact, if any man told me I wasn't allowed to do something, I think that would be a deal breaker. She doesn't own you, she can't control you. I'm not trying to talk you out of anything, but i mean if she's this unbelievably controlling just a year and a half in a relationship, imagine what it would be like after you're married? These are supposed to be the amazing, care-free days before you have to worry about your mortgage, and 3 kids.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (5 April 2011): Oh BOY.
Okay, you want experienced advice..
Let's just say I used to be exactly like the girl you're currently involved with.
I'll give you MY point of view and try to relate it to your girlfriend's.
I was insecure. I knew that my boyfriend was in love with me, and found me very attractive, so that is when I stopped taking care of myself. I, too, gained 10ish pounds since we started going out. I thought everything about myself was enough for me AND him. Until I realized that I didn't like the way I looked, and that girls surrounding me looked better. I drove myself crazy, growing jealous towards MOVIE TRAILERS with hot girls in bikinis. I'd tense up when I was with my boyfriend, making sure he wasn't looking at anyone else but me. I made him give up all his skinnier girl-friends (JUST friends!) just so his eyes were on me. I'd grow upset if he went out with a GUY friend without me, so he would always bring me along. He was AFRAID to go anywhere without me, because I would start a tantrum.
Until something in me clicked.
I saw how MISERABLE my boyfriend was. Without guy friends. Without breaks from me. I saw he was running out of breath. So I started improving my self esteem. I began exercise routines, just to detach myself from him. It ate me up inside when he hung out with friends or texted other girls, but pretty soon, with an improved body image, better sex, and a happier boyfriend, *I* broke out of my shell of insecurity.
And that is what your girlfriend needs to do.
You say she wears baggy clothing? Buy her some sexy lingerie, underwear, bikinis. Throw those ugly clothes out. Telling her she is beautiful is not enough for some women. Some of us need reassurance in the form of ACTIONS, not just words.
If you do not put your foot down, you will live MISERABLY.
Explain to her that a guy NEEDS guy-time. It doesn't necessarily imply you ogling other women, or attending wild, drunken parties.
If your attempts at making her feel good about herself backfire, or change nothing, then I'm sorry, but choosing to stay with her will make your life hell. Pretty soon, she will force you into the very same hole she's buried her head in. This is not love, this is not sacrifice. This is pretty damn close to manipulation. She is trying to program you to work the way she wants to, but she doesn't realize that you're a human, and your attention CANNOT and SHOULD NOT be devoted to her 24/7. You have other interests too, and, as a human being, you are ENTITLED to privacy, friendships, and everything else in the book.
I hope this helped. Tell us how it goes!
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A
female
reader, kaiti30 +, writes (5 April 2011):
 This sounds like me and my now ex boyfriend, I know how i like to be treated, and she probably doesnt want anything to happen... and i personally think you should comfront her about everything... it probably wont be pretty, but communication is a huge key in a relationship, which y me and my boyfriend have so amny issues... just tell her your concern, and say you ronly doing it because you love her, and try to make her feel comfortable about herself... adress the problem, but dont put her down in ANy way
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A
female
reader, based51  +, writes (4 April 2011):
 You aren't doing anything wrong here. She's sucking the life out of you. Have you spoke to her about all of these issues?? If you want to save this relationship you should talk to her about it and insist that you need more independence from her. To be honest though, we can't change other people, we can only change ourselves. It sounds like you don't like much of what you see when you take a good long hard look at her and it sounds as though she is making you unhappy. You can try working things out for a bit longer but if they don't improve you know what you've got to do.
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