A
male
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:Dear Cupids,I have dated a couple of different people in my life, but I've never gone steady with my significant other as long as my current relationship. I am looking for others experience manly in this area and the area of change. I love my girlfriend. When we first met she was very shy and she is still very shy. However times and college I think have done a toll on her. I know I have changed also but I'm annoyingly agonist doing things to "fit in" and I like to exercise that right. Smoking and drinking have begun to settle in to my girlfriends weekend routine. She hadn't even touched alcohol before I met her. I know it's a lot to do with the friends she hangs out with. I don't know why I feel robed by her going out and having a good time all the time. I accept what she doing but it's just hard to swallow. I do drink here and there but I've never pushed it as much as her. Maybe that's my opinion. I am 3 years older than her, done with college and have a fulltime job. We don't live as close as I would like but it is what it is. We've talked about it multiple times, she blames her crowd and me not being there. I know it would be different. Could we just be having growing pains? Is this normal? We've almost been together for 2.5 years and how do married couples do it? I do accept that she is trying new things and is putting herself out there but why can't it be acting, or scuba diving?Thanks
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female
reader, bebe87 +, writes (26 September 2011):
 Sounds to me as though her “partying” is filling some empty void. Perhaps the fact that you and her are not close by each other. She is still young, you are still young. She may be still finding her place in life as you even mentioned she hadn’t even touched a bottle of alcohol before you had met her. And yes when we are young we party all our problems away. Unfortunately some people don’t know when in their life to draw that fine line of being an adult and not acting like we’re still 25 years old. My advice for you is check in with her mentally make sure everything is “okay” that she isn’t just looking for any stop to abort the train. One thing I have always told myself and other people is, “if you can’t make a relationship work away from each other {even not living together} then you sure as hell won’t be able to make it work closer and or living together. Ask yourself, is she just going thru an innocent faze or is she on a different road you aren’t willing to be on. Hmm… A lot to think about. Good luck, and remember don’t make any decision set in stone till you are 100% sure. Time taken to think everything thru can be very beneficial, after all this could be someone you may be with the rest of your life, right?! Again, good luck.
A
female
reader, TasteofIndia +, writes (26 September 2011):
 Have you met or spent time with these friends? Do they seem like fun? Does she seem like she has fun with them? Why don't you want to go out with her? You could always be the DD (even though I know that's not thrilling).
Your personal decisions are yours to make - you don't need to drink or smoke or do anything that you feel is just to "fit in". But, if she wants to try the party scene, that's her choice. And it's not like she's partying to escape you, she seems to want you to come along?
It's normal for you to sort of separate your social lives and like different things. My husband, for instance, is more of a drinker than I am. He goes and plays beer pong with his pals, they get loud, rowdy, (stupid), kind of obnoxious...
So sometimes he goes out by himself, and sometimes I go out with him. I never get sloppy like him - often I won't drink at all and just be DD. It works for us! Sometimes I get irritated by the drunkies, but I tolerate it. It brings us closer, in a weird way - I guess we balance each other out. I'd like to think I keep him safe, and plus we actually have fun together - even if we're not both drinking. I've gotten to know his pals as more than "those guys", and have found that I really like them. Yeah, they get a little wild... but they're good guys and I get to play mama bear for awhile most Friday or Saturday nights.
Things to think about...
Good luck, sweet!
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A
male
reader, Sageoldguy1465 +, writes (26 September 2011):
 College IS a time for self-discovery.... and that also can mean self-destruction, if one doesn't act responsibly....
From the tone of your submittal... you are distant from where this girl is in school...... so I would suggest that you take a "hands off" attitude for the time being, and let her have her fun, her partying and whatever else she is going to do at college..... AND, when it's over, if she wants to be in touch with you... AND you still carry the feelings for her that you've described herein.... THEN consider if you and she want to ressurect a friendship and/or a relationship....
Good luck...
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