A
male
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:I would like to get a read on what is considered "normal" loss of attraction in a relationship, so I can at least put upper and lower bounds on what would be reasonable as it applies to my circumstances.Backstory: I am 31 years old, and have been in a relationship with a sweet, attractive woman for nearly 4 years. When the relationship began, I was in relatively good shape. 6'3'', 195lbs, avid hiker, lifted weights regularly, ate well, etc. At this time, she enjoyed, or at least convincingly pretended to enjoy, being intimate with me.In the intervening years, I have not been as vigilant as I previously was about my diet and activity level, and have gained about 15lbs of additional fat. Coincidentally, my girlfriend's physical interest in me has effectively turned into disgust. She no longer allows me to kiss her any more passionately than simple pecks, and touching other than simple hugging or handholding is also off-limits. Needless to say, sex is nonexistent, and I am effectively relegated to the role of a glorified roommate. My Question: Is this situation normal? Do most women become physically repulsed by their men as a result of an extra 15lbs? Should I take these circumstances in stride, get back into the gym, and hope for the best? It's more than a little aggravating not being able to enjoy sex or any other physical intimacy with the woman I love.
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female
reader, jacinta  +, writes (30 December 2010):
 I think there is way more to this than u putting on a few pounds,yere relationship does not sound too good,everything youve said about her makes me believe that shes not happy in this relationship.i recommend sitting her down and asking her how she feels bout ye,u came to the conclusion that its ur weight gain that has made her like this,this mighent even be the case,something else could be goin on in her life that is making her distant 4rm you so have a chat wit her and find out!good luck!
A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (30 December 2010): Well, you are only slightly overweight, not obese.
"no longer allows me to kiss her any more passionately than simple pecks, and touching other than simple hugging or handholding is also off-limits. Needless to say, sex is nonexistent, and I am effectively relegated to the role of a glorified roommate."
No, this is not normal.
This usually signals that someone is having an affair, cheating, has a sexual abuse history, or all of those and a whole lot more.
Your weight is not the issue.
Your exercise tolerance is not the issue.
Get a counselor, don't take "no" for an answer. If she won't go then tell her it is time to move on from each other, because you can't live like this.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (30 December 2010): I am the OP. Allow me to add some additional information.
"You can only ask her what is up."
I have done this. Her responses ultimately come down to "I just don't have a sex drive". I understand that something like 3-5% of the population is generally asexual, and I could believe this. However, I have solid data that she has had an active sexual appetite with previous lovers, and although I wouldn't characterize the first 6 months of our relationship as off the hook, our sex life was quite good, for a time. The only conclusion to draw is that her claim to not have a sex drive is not true. When I point out this contradiction, she gets offended that I don't believe her. That's usually the extent of attempts to understand this. I hit that brick wall and give up.
"do you know for a fact she's not having sex with someone else?"
I don't know this for an absolute fact, but I would find it difficult to believe. It's a possibility, but one that I could never know definitively.
Anyway, thanks for the input. I will pursue plans to get myself back into shape and see what happens. If it doesn't help, I don't know what I will do, but I strongly suspect I will just accept it. Beggars can't be choosers.
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A
male
reader, Mr Clark +, writes (30 December 2010):
I saw a poll recently (I can't find the link right now) showing that somethign like 70% of women would not consider dating a guy who was more than 15 pounds overweight.
I suppose us men could whine about unfair this is, that women are hypocrites, etc. Or, we can just look at it as being a reality and deal with it the best we can.
Regardless of what any poll shows, the only thing that actually matters in any given relationship is how the other person feels about the issue.
Having said that, are you sure your weight is the real issue? I have a hard time believing a woman would lose all interest in sex because of 15 pounds. Have you tried talking to her about her lack of interest in sex? At the risk of generating trust issues, do you know for a fact she's not having sex with someone else?
As a practical matter, it makes sense to hit the gym, get in shape, and see if the situation improves. If not, you will know there's something else going on. If there is a "something else", you'll be in better shape for reentering the singles scene if it becomes necessary to do so.
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A
female
reader, Nouvelle32 +, writes (30 December 2010):
Go back to the gym if that makes you happy.. and it's' good for your health as well. As for the girlfriend, I really don't understand what is going through her head. 15 lbs. is not a lot of weight at your height.. and this girl is supposed to love you. Sounds like there could be more to this story than just what is on the surface, but I'd say, no, it is definitely NOT normal for her to be treating you like that.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (30 December 2010): You don't seem to have put on a massive amount of weight so I think there may be more to it than that. The relationship has deminished to the point were you are basically friends. You can only ask her what is up. A certain amount of affection and intimacy is natural between partners - I think some straight talking about where your relationship is going is the only way to get to the bottom of this.
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