A
male
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:My girl friend got rapped at the age of 18,and now she is 24 since then she didn't want to sleep with a man again.She is always afraid,that it will hurt her though she feel like doing it.Now it's difficult trying to sleep with her due to her past negative experience of sex,what can I do to encourage her to have sex with me?
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female
reader, Rocketbooth  +, writes (9 September 2012):
 First off, you need to put her needs before your needs. You are being rather selfish and inconsiderate of how your girlfriend feels. Imangine if you were being used for a sex toy, you would feel emotional trauma, and sex would be the last thing you would want to think about. Your girlfriend needs emotional support from you, and all you care about is having sex!??! You don't seem like you actually care about this person, but you are using her for sex. If you can't be patient, and respect the fact that she was sexually battered, than you are not the type of man she needs in her life. Wait until the time is right, simple as that.
A
female
reader, chickpea2011 +, writes (17 June 2011):
 Sorry that your girlfriend had to go through such a horrible experience. Must be so difficult for her to feel normal and sorry that she has to live with this pain for the rest of her life. She was very young and innocent. My heart goes to your girlfriend. No words can ever change what happened. No words can never erase her memories and make her feel better. Nobody in this world deserve this kind of trauma.
I am sure is difficult for you too. I know you love her and must be hard to see the one you love in such a pain.
Time and patience, that's what she needs. She needs to feel comfortable, in control and have full trust in you.
She's a special person, so therefore, she needs extra love and attention. Everytime you spend with her, make sure you do and talk about happy things. Make sure she's having a good time. Doesn't need to be about money, but dinner, movies, just make sure she's having a wonderful time. Happiness and love will help heal and make the pain less painful.
Be strong and positive for her. Be gentle and kind. Specially when it comes to physical contact, make sure you are sweet, kind, gentle and romantic. Soft touches, soft kisses. She needs to be loved. Gently fix her hair, open car door, little things like that will make her see that you truly love her and have the best intensions. Will show her that you really care for her.
You have to make her want to be with you intimately. Its very important. Do a lot of romantic things, dinner, walk in the park, get coffee, eat ice cream, romantics drive, little trips. When holding hands, kiss the back of her hand gently. Smile, look her in the eyes. If she feels comfortable and love enough I know she'll come out of the darkness and slowly start being herself again.
Tell her you really lover her and that you'll do whatever it takes to make her happy, even if takes professional help, tell her you'll go with her if she wants...
Remind her that she's a survivor. Tell her that you're proud of her for being so strong and that's why you love her so much. Tell her that you understand her, but if she keeps stuck that means that the animal not only destroyed her life, but also controls, so you need to stop, be a better person, be happy and be grateful to be alive.
Good luck
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A
male
reader, spinnaker +, writes (17 June 2011):
 This trama goes far beyond sex - she may need to get reacquainted with physical touch itself
You may wish to suggest that your girlfriend look into Healing Touch Therapy to help her get used to touch once again.
http://www.healingtouchinternational.org/index.php?option=com_content&task=view&id=2&Itemid=240
It is natural need for a person to have some level of human to human contact. If that is somehow tortured as a result of some trauma like sexual assault or other forms of abuse - that person may end up with negative associations of touch.
Healing Touch Institute is pioneering research with PTSD sufferers to help bring them some peace.
I don't know if they have practitioners where you are (says you are in Germany) but you can contact HTI and they may be able to point you in the right direction to someone that would help.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (17 June 2011): Professional help is the only way to go.
You have to be patient and really cautious and really dedicated to her.
This book may help, I see you are from Germany, ? if she doesn't speak English there must be an equivalent.
http://www.amazon.com/Healing-Sex-Mind-Body-Approach-Sexual/dp/1573442933
Read what RedAthena posted, she is right on about this.
My wife was raped several times, years before I met her, it really damages intimacy, but with dedication and love and kindness it can work out.
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A
female
reader, RedAthena +, writes (16 June 2011):
 Well, do NOT encourage her to have sex with you.
Rape is not about sexual agression, it is about control. The real damage took place in her mind and security, not her body.
If she has not gone to any kind of counseling, she needs to or she will not be able to have sexual intimacy with anyone.
If you really care about her, care about her healing for HER sake, not yours.
Best Wishes.
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A
male
reader, The Realist  +, writes (16 June 2011):
 You can go extremely slow, stay away from sudden movements that she would preceive as aggression while you two are doing anything from kissing to touching and so on. This should prove to her that you aren't going to hurt her. It would probably be best if she got some therapy too. You two could go together so that way you are even more involved with her getting over her past.
The big thing she has to realize is that one man did that to her and you are not that man and never will be. Your patience and caring behaviour will be the best thing for her.
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