A
male
age
51-59,
anonymous
writes:I am in a sad situation and don't know what to do. In October of last year I met a woman on the internet. We started seeing each other and things were going well. I thought I was falling in love with her. Then a monkey wrench came alone in the form of a married woman. We met in December at work and instantly fell attracted to each other. She was married so I knew it was harmless to flirt and I had a gf. After getting to know her more, she told me she was leaving her husband as soon as the taxes come in. Sadly, I saw a green light. We decided to start a sexual relationship. My gf lived an hour away and I knew she wouldn't find out. I was wrong for this, but the other woman was like a drug to me. Fast forward 6 months and I am madly in love with the other woman. She moved out a few months ago and is oing thru a divorce. She wants to be with me almost as much as I do her. The problem is this, I have caused a mess.I love my girlfriend, but I am not in love. I am madly in love with the other woman and want to spend my life with her. I have felt guilty about what I have done to my gf so out of guilt I continued to see her once a week. I was planning to let her go to be with the woman I love and then I find out my gf is pregnant. This is not what I wanted and should have ended it with her months ago. I know I made my bed...I will be a father to this baby. And now I feel I can't break up with her. So I am stuck. My heart bleeds everyday for this other woman. I still see her everyday. She wants me even though I got another pregnant, she is willing to wait. If she only knew that I want her now, but I feel I can't because of what I have done. HELP!! k th
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male
reader, anonymous, writes (20 June 2011): "Assume that you are going to be alone from now on, and be paying child support to two women."
agreed with this. This is called KARMA. you had it coming so what else did you expect?? stop trying to find ways to worm your way out of problems you created. accept the consequences of your cheating and lying, that would be the first step toward redemption.
A
female
reader, RedAthena +, writes (20 June 2011):
 At this point, I am honestly laughing. Have you NOT heard of birth control buddy?
Did you think mere love was going to protect you from complications and unwanted pregnancies? How niave.
Reveal the truth to both women. Own the mess. THAT is one of the many costs of infidelity.
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A
female
reader, chocoholicforever +, writes (20 June 2011):
all the previous posters' advice to break up with your girlfriend if you are sure you don't love her, still stands, regardless of whether the other woman is leaving you or not.
Don't stay with someone you don't love, just because the one you do love has left you or isn't available anymore. you really don't have a right to ask the other woman to come back to you after all you've done. And similarly, don't treat your girlfriend as just someone to bide your time with until you find someone better, that's treating her poorly and after how you've already treated her, you shouldn't do this to her anymore.
so the previous advice to leave your girlfriend since you don't love her, still stands. and I guess if the other woman has left you, then so be it.
Assume that you are going to be alone from now on, and be paying child support to two women.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (20 June 2011): As I said previously you could end up losing both of them - which isn't such a bad thing as I don't think you know what you really want and so are causing heartache for both these women
I do know you should have used contraception though as you appear to be making women pregnant without a thought for the lives you have now createded
On top of everything else you will have 2 lots of child support to pay for years to come - (if in fact either are pregnant)
Are you 100% sure the pregnancies are not made up to make you pick one or the other - insist on proof
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (20 June 2011): I think you need to leave both women, pay up child support to both women but leave them both, because you have hurt both of them too much already. You need to limit the damage you've caused, by leaving them alone. They deserve the chance to find new men who will treat them better.
you may not be ready to be in any committed relationship at all. This disaster didn't happen on accident, you created it. You should be on your own for awhile so you can reflect on where and how you went wrong (and such answers won't come to you overnight). So you should leave both women and pay up child support for both.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (19 June 2011): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionNew development: the other woman, the one I love, I'd also pregnant. What a disaster I have caused.
She is fed up with me not ending it with my gf and now that she is also pregnant, wants out.
What do I do?
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A
female
reader, chocoholicforever +, writes (18 June 2011):
"I want to prove it to her, but I have already hurt my gf so much, this would shatter her. I'm a coward."
Yes up until now you have been a coward. Therefore, stop being one.
will you "shatter" your girlfriend's life by telling her the truth? in reality you have already shattered her life, just that she doesn't know it yet. So you don't really have an option to stave off disaster by keeping quiet, you're just postponing it.
Staying with someone under false pretenses (because she has no idea what you've done behind her back and how you truly feel about her) is in and of itself a betrayal. How long will you be able to keep it up?
You're also doing your other woman a disservice by promising to be with her and yet you still are with someone else. right now she may be willing to wait for you because she's got her own problems to sort out. But at least she is sorting out her problems proactively by actually ending her marriage. She is "manning up" and ending her marriage, but you're not. You are not doing your part, as far as your relationship with the other woman.
so actually you're doing wrong by both women right now by keeping quiet and being passive. You need to either decide to re-commit to your girlfriend and end your relationship with the other woman, or if you already know you can't do that without being a fake, then you need to break up with your girlfriend.
it's not going to be easy, but you dug yourself into this hole so it's only to be expected that getting out is going to be difficult.
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A
female
reader, So_Very_Confused +, writes (17 June 2011):
 You are not a coward. you are afraid of what will happen... that's a legitimate fear.
I was a coward. I wanted out of my marriage and yet I could not ask my hubby to leave. I didn't not love him I just was not happy in the marriage and I was not my best with him...
I ended up forcing his hand and he left me... but I engineered the leaving with my very open affair.... thankfully hubby and I have no kids together and are still good friends...
Stop fearing the worst and get it over with...the sooner the better.... You have to tell her.... offer to be there for her while pregnant with your child as much as possible... Lamaze, childbirth, doctor's visits... etc...
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A
male
reader, mrg123  +, writes (17 June 2011):
 @Anon,
Where as I suppose your GF would be over the moon if she found out youd been cheating on her for god knows how long and are planning a future with another woman. I can understand not wanting to hurt your GF but hey, we are a bit beyond the point where that is a viable option here. Trust me, in the short term you will being cruel to her but this is nothing compared to the pain she will suffer if this all blows up in your face, which there is a 95% chance it will.
Soooooo, I think you have to swallow the pill and do the one decent thing you can do in this situation and end it with her. Sorry to be a little sarcastic and brutal....I hope it will help.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (17 June 2011): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThe other woman has known about the girlfriend for about 5 months. I have told her everything and told her I was going to end things. Truth is, I did plan on ending it with my gf.
The other woman said she would wait bcause she is aldo ending a relationship, but I have to prove to her that I want a future, she wants me to end it with my gf to be with her. She said I can be a good dad even if I'm not with the mom. She also has a child, who I love.
I want to prove it to her, but I have already hurt my gf so much, this would shatter her. I'm a coward.
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A
female
reader, So_Very_Confused +, writes (17 June 2011):
staying with someone for the sake of a child is useless and wrong.
I had a friend who MARRIED a woman who said she was pregnant and he found out she was not.
Yes, you took the cowards way out seeing the GF when you knew it was over... and clearly you both felt comfortable not using condoms or other BC....
So now we have to figure out the best way (for the long haul) to fix this.
My advice while not popular is this:
you MUST immediately end the "romantic" relationship with the GF... basically you will be the non-residential dad for your child and I think you should be as involved with the pregnancy and child birth as possible without giving the GF hope that it's going to work out with her
Yes you used poor judgment. I've done the same thing too. You do not get to be a grown up with out making some bad choices and mistakes. It's what helps us grow and mature. It's just sad that hearts get hurt...
I "love" my soon to be ex husband. I am not IN LOVE with him (and while I HATE that designation it's the best way to explain it) so I get totally what you are saying and I let my marriage go so I could be with my current partner who I am madly in love with and who I love dearly.... so I GET IT.
It sucks that there is a child involved but Kids that are loved and nurtured can be loved and nurtured by parents that are not together. Kids are NOT as fragile as many would have us believe....they adapt well if the adults behave well...
Be a man and tell the GF the truth ASAP...
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (17 June 2011): congratulations. You have ruined the life of a woman who probably true loved you.
She will be left with the child of a cheater. She will have emotional baggage and Will probably have difficulty trusting men and finding a loving relationship that she deserves.
All because of you. Its good you realize its your fault as it is but its her who has to live with the results of your mess.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (17 June 2011): Why don't you stay away from both these women until you have a clear idea who or what you want
I have a sneaking suspicion you will lose them both in the long run
The pregnant girl must surely know that you weren't that into her as you only saw her once a week for sex! The married lady is just out of an unhappy marriage and the excitement of you may wear off
Yes,consider the baby - thats what is most important in this sorry mess - but don't make any commitment to either woman till you have a clear head.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (17 June 2011): I think you should tell your girlfriend the truth. And the sooner you do it, the more options she has and the more time she has to implement them.
The last thing your girlfriend needs is to find out when she's approaching her due date, she feels tired, and unglamorous and has fewer options.
Best of luck.
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A
female
reader, stingbat +, writes (17 June 2011):
im sorry about your situation but in reality you did this to yourself hun, there is no way out of this but to tell the truth to each person. your gf thinks that she has all of you (dad,partner,lover, etc) your lover thinks that she has her man hook line and sinker(little does she know she has a daddy aswell!!!) at the end of the day its up to you to tell them. if they want to be with you after you have decived them both thats up to them, but i have a feeling you could be on your own. you will have to step up and be a dad no matter what, but this is not your choice now sorry. your married lady is having a divorce because she feels that you are the right one for her. how will she feel breaking her marriage to find it wasnt over with the gf and for the gf to find your infidelity in this way, u need to clear this mess up now before it goes any further. i wish you luck hun, it wont be easy but it has to be done for everyones sake.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (17 June 2011): Break things off with your girlfriend and be with the other woman. You seem truly happy with her and truly in love with her. Spare your child the misery of living in a household with two people who aren't in love. Pay child support to your girlfriend and move on.
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A
female
reader, llifton +, writes (17 June 2011):
 is it possible that your girlfriend is lying about being pregnant? is it possible she's using this as a ploy to keep you around? maybe she's sensed that something's wrong and sensed that you may leave her. i know it's terrible, but this definitely wouldn't be the first time i'd heard of something like that happening to keep a guy around.
honestly, i believe you should leave your girlfriend and be with this other woman anyway. because what good will it do you and everybody else involved for you to go be with your girlfriend and be miserable? she'll know it, you'll know it, and so will your child when they get old enough to be able to tell. not to forget to mention, will you really cut off all ties with this other woman? or would you continue to cheat? cause that's not good for anybody involved either. just be true to yourself for a change. know what you want and go for it. i know it's rather late, but it's never too late to be happy. but like you said, still be a father to the child. still try to remain civil with your gf or ex depending on how things turn out. and raise your son or daughter the best way you can. that's all you can really do. best of luck.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (17 June 2011): you need to tell your girlfriend the truth and break up with her, dont' string her along any more, already look at what you've done by stringing her along this far!!of course she will be devastated that you cheated on her, and are now leaving her after you've gotten her pregnant. What woman wouldn't be? Of course her family will hate you, maybe your own family will disown you too. Maybe your friends will all look down on you. But you have to face the consequences of her rage at you, and your reputation going down the drain, and rebuild your life from there, because it is a righteous rage and you shouldn't avoid it when you deserve it.however, realize that huge stress on a pregnant mother can damage the fetus leading to birth defects so , I don't know how far along her pregnancy is, but you should keep that in mind about how you break the news to her. But you must tell her the truth and stop misleading her about her life. it's wrong of you to play games with other people's lives because you're too scared to be honest and face the consequences.whether you and the other woman are right for each other is irrelevant. This is purely about you and your girlfriend whom you don't love but got pregnant.If you don't love her, you should be a man and tell her the truth and leave her but support the child. Whatever you do in your love life is up to you then, but only after you've broken up with her can you have a free license to explore other love interests.
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A
female
reader, chocoholicforever +, writes (17 June 2011):
I hope you realize that you're the one who created this mess. Not saying that to berate you, but because for you to work your way out of this mess with honor and integrity you need to understand it fully. You need to examine your own thought processes and tendencies that led you to do what you did, and how it led to this mess that has now involved other people irreversibly. You need to understand yourself fully so that whatever decision you make, you can stand by your decision and not dig yourself and the other people you've involved even further into this mess.
I know that right now you're panicking because you do realize this mess you've created, but do you really and truly *understand* yourself and how and why you did what you did? If not, you should start by really examining your every step and every move and why you did what you did and what you need to change about yourself. Clearly you do need to make changes in yourself because you've created this huge mess and entangled other people in it. But do you know what it is you need to change about yourself or your thinking?
Only after you have truly "owned" your mistakes, can you make the "right" decision, for you and for everyone you have involved in this mess:
A few points to consider for your self-introspection:
1. How do you know that you and this other woman will work out? You've only known each other for a very short time. Most new relationships feel like this and only last a few months. If it doesn't work out with her, will you regret breaking up with your girlfriend? There's no harm in trying a relationship to see if it works out if no one else gets hurt by it not working out except you and the other person. BUT if you are giving up a whole other life involving other people, specifically to try out this new relationship, then you should be very sure of this.
2. You did not love your girlfriend anymore yet you got her pregnant. What does this say about you? Don't just say "I made a mistake" - I mean, really ask yourself WHY you did that. How can you know this won't happen again?
3. You did not love your girlfriend yet you continued to see her while seeing the other woman. How do you know that if you got together with the other woman, that you won't do this to her as well if you meet someone else?
4. You may not be "in love" with your girlfriend, but she is carrying your child, and she loves you, you and her will be the parents of this child. Your lives WILL be entwined together forever one way or another.....and you say you want to spend the rest of your life with the other woman. So, if you get together with the other woman, she and the mother of your child will be in each other's lives forever, linked by you. How do you think it will look like between her and the mother of your child since the latter knows that you were cheating with the former? Will you be caught in the middle, for the rest of your life?
5. You say you love your gf, but you're not "in love" with her. But now there's something bigger here - a child. Do you love your gf enough to commit to her and WORK at loving her enough to be with her to provide a stable nuclear family for your child?
6. You say you know you want to be with the other woman and not your girlfriend. But since she's pregnant, now you feel you "can't" break up with her. Why? What reasoning is it that you "can't" break up with her? Does this mean that you feel you have to marry your gf and stay with her forever? if so, why? if not, then why can't you break up with her?
What does a committed intimate/romantic relationship mean to you?
Some times in life you have to make sacrifices and take responsibility for your mistakes. No where is this more so than when you become a parent. Once you become a parent, it's not solely about your wants and needs anymore. it's about what's best for your child.
Some times it is better to be with the one you truly love, even if they are not the co-parent of your child. Other times, if you re-dedicate yourself to your current partner (who is also the parent of your child), you can make it work.
Only you know what is the case in your situation. No one can tell you what is right in your situation because either way could be the wrong decision.
And from your initial post it's not clear if you've done anywhere near enough thinking yet to make a decision, so that's why I'm just bringing up some points for you to think about.
however, since you have cheated on your girlfriend, you owe her the truth which is that you have been cheating. She deserves to know all the information about you, so that she knows who she's dealing with and can make choices for her own life as well.
You've created a huge mess by entangling other people with your dishonesty and now an innocent life as well, so you now need to take responsibility and start by owning up and telling the truth, and thinking long and hard about where you went wrong, what you need to change about yourself so you dont' dig yourself and others even deeper into this mess, and the consequences of different paths you could take. whatever decision you make, it should be one that you can live with
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A
female
reader, RedAthena +, writes (16 June 2011):
There is no help here. You were having sexual relationships with TWO different women at the same time. You were cheating too.
You were an irresponsible man. Now you have an obligation to your unborn child.
Be a man and tell the gf you have been seeing someone else. You will hurt her. You can not avoid it and there is no easy way to avoid it.
You want to be a Father to this baby and you are going to have to proove you will be emotionally and financially involved and responsible.
Yes, you made a mess. Now you will have to get dirty while you clean it up.
Sorry, no sympathy. Time to grow up dear.
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A
male
reader, mrg123 +, writes (16 June 2011):
Well its good you recognise you have caused this mess because you have. Since you have made this admission I dont see any point browbeating you. Lets start from the top. I really dont think your doing your girlfriend or your child any favours by sticking around purely though guilt. You may think you are but your not because I tell you now, this relationship with your gf will end sooner or later anyway, its inevitable. I think its highly likely you will stray again because your gf is not the woman you want. As the relationship disintegrates this will impact your child once they are born much more than it would with them still in the womb. I'm not saying you get to walk away - far from it. You still have a duty to your ex and your child to provide all the support you can BUT continuing this relationship is pointless and self-defeating. You have made horrendous mistakes frankly and have treated your gf in a shocking way no matter how much you want this other women. I hope if you end up with her you treat her better. Having said all that guilt is not the right reason to stay with someone, its not enough and when the guilt fades you will stray again and do even greater damage to your gf and your child. I really think you have to end this relationship now, indulging your guilt is paradoxically a continuation of your selfish behaviour. Good luck. I hope you can get through this and learn the lessons you need too.
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A
male
reader, The Realist  +, writes (16 June 2011):
 I think if you truely love this other women then you should go be with her. I think it is better for the child to have separated parents rather then ones who really aren't truely happy together because I know you will feel an empty spot inside if you are not with her.
The situation is a bad one but this is life and the important thing is that you still understand your responsibilties to the child. In the end that is where your duty is, you have every right to leave your current gf to be happy. I would only pass judgement on you if you were leaving the child to.
In the end your happiness will be much healthier for the baby then an unhappy couple so by you following your heart I think it can really end up teaching the baby love more then just staying with your gf.
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A
female
reader, Cattie +, writes (16 June 2011):
 I think you should tell your gf the truth, i know it will get ugly but you don't want her finding out a different way do you?
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