A
male
age
41-50,
*ormentedsoul
writes:This one is fairly long so bear with me. Easier to do it in one go then split it in a dozen posts.I have been with my fiance for 4 years, engaged for the last year and making wedding plans for sometime next year. Our relationship, to say the least, is a rollercoaster ride between fiery intense and icily cold with us rarely finding a middle ground. The root of the problem is that I am very independant and believe that a couple should be able to spend time apart regularly and still maintain a good relationship. She is very needy/dependant and wants to spend every idle moment together. Sometimes this is fine (say hunny, want to take a walk together?) other times it's really annoying, impractical and a waste of time (you're going to go grocery shopping? let me stop studying for my test tomorrow and come with you!)What is happening is that everytime she tries to cling closer, i push her away. When i push her away, she gets insecure and her answer is to be even more clingy! Factor in that we both have really short tempers (mine fades fast, she stays mad forever) and you can understand how hard finding a balance is. She is currently in her last year of university and lives with me for the last 3 years. She goes to school a few hours a day and comes back home to "study" (really she just watches shows and occasionally works) and does chores once in a blue moon. I have a fairly good income and pay 100% of the bills (including her insurance, phone bill, etc), do 95% of the housework (including taking care of our 4 dogs) and play on several teams. This leaves me with about 3hrs every night free. Despite all this, she insists that I spend every moment with her and that i am neglecting her. She is always bored, has few friends (she never tries to find any), refuses to meet or hang out with my friends, then complains when I seem interested in doing something with other people. I'll be the first to admit that I am independant, sometimes cold emotionally, and that my temper makes me hard to live with (I tend to shout when angry, which makes her cry). I suck at giving emotional support, am not very romantic, and don't like change.My question is, how do I bridge the gap between us? I know it will have to be me doing the work and sacrificing something, but i really don't understand her needs. From my point of view, I already take good care of her. From hers, i am insensitive and neglectful.
View related questions:
engaged, fiance, insecure, university, wedding Reply to this Question
Share |
Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
reader, anonymous, writes (19 June 2011): It's not your job to turn her from child to adult. Her immaturity and insecurity stems from something much deeper. The only thing I could suggest would be some type of couples counseling. Both of you really need to be onboard for it to work, though.
A
female
reader, kirra07 +, writes (18 June 2011):
From what you have added, it does not sound as though she is doing her share in compromising. Worse than that, she is not really acknowledging her issues, which really needs to happen.
To answer your question, yes, I do believe that you can show some changes first, and she MAY reciprocate. However, what I would be afraid of is whether she recognizes your efforts or whether she will simply take it for granted, think she deserves that, that it isn't a big deal, or not even notice.
As for who will be picking up the slack, we have run into that issue as well. I will often let the housework slide (I come home from class and don't feel that I even have the energy to do much at all, and am in bed in a few hours). And he will often do things before I end up getting around to it. And then he isn't happy, he is frustrated, tired and worn out, and the relationship suffers. I think what is important here is to let her know how much you feel you are contributing to the relationship and to supporting her. Let her know what contributions you feel she is making, and let her know that it isn't enough. (I think it's more than fair to point it out, and that if you keep giving she will keep taking). Tell her that you are getting worn out, and that changes need to happen. Ask for her input into what she feels she can work on to help your load, and if you could reprioritize and focus some of your energy on any issues you might not realize are there.
None of this will work, however, until the communication problem is resolved. What you described with the breaking of the cell phone and accusing you of cheating, is not going to get anywhere. It is immature behaviour (possibly she really is that insecure and somehow interpreted what you said as indications of your infidelity), but I feel that it more likely is just her avoiding her own issues and trying to deflect the problems onto you. Unfortunately, this likely won't stop UNLESS you stop coddling her. It's not your responsibility to calm her down from her tantrum, or accept her destroying your stuff for no reason. She has the power: from you doing things for her, from you catering to her, etc. She won't give that up on her own, if she hasn't already. Does she ever thank you for everything you do for her? Does she ever come to you and apologize for not contributing to finances or chores? If not, that's not really a good sign. It indicates that she takes you for granted.
My fiance asked me if you love someone with all your heart, at what point do you say enough is enough and end things. My answer was when you realize that the other person is not willing to give and try. Because no matter how much you love someone, you can't take control of both sides. You can't do their part of the relationship. And even if you are very selfless and are willing to do most things for the other person, you will have needs too, and they deserve attention as well. So my advice to you is to get to this point. You are willing to work on the relationship, but your fiancee NEEDS to get there too.
If you have any other questions about specific tips for different situations, or communicating, etc, I would be happy to answer. I think you might be able to tell, that your situation is near and dear to my heart, as it reminds me so much of my own. I have been in both situations: I have loved someone very much but had to end it as he was not willing to work at it enough, or it was too late when he finally did try to communicate with me. And now, I love my fiance, but it has been and still is, an uphill battle, but it is one I am willing to fight because we are both in it together still. And both situations are very painful. I do wish you the best, whichever road you choose.
...............................
A
female
reader, RedAthena  +, writes (18 June 2011):
 Additional Feedback:
Tormented,
Important, emotionally charged conversations should take place face to face out of respect. You may have caught her offguard. Be fair in the future that you are taking the time out to address her privately to her face.
You mentioned that you were the one to propose, etc
So, I am guessing you feel guilty about wanting to back out of the relationship. While it will hurt NOW, it will hurt so much MORE being married and giving up. See my point?
Better to back OUT now before wedding costs, kids, etc.
You are headed to a miserable state of being.
She is VERY immature and accuses you of cheating because you question the relationship and moving forward.
She breaks things like a child having a temper tantrum. This is the future Mother of your kids?
You were hoping she would grow up once she was offered a grown up role of future wife. You ask for advice to turn her from a child to an adult. That is NOT your role as husband. Your role as husband is to be her equal, a leader yes, but an EQUAL, not a parent.
She is NOT ready for something as committed as marriage. She is not finished growing up yet.
Yes, it is too much to expect her to change now. She will not change until she feels personal NEED to change and the accountability to do so. Right now, she sees it as your JOB to take care of her.
No one likes to break up. It hurts and it sucks. But, from what you are describing you are in a Co-dependant relationship and trying SO hard to turn a blind eye to the parts you do not like and hoping she will change for you.
While parts of the relationship may work-there are more things wrong with this relationship than there are right.
She is not going to be happy with you. You will not be happy with her. Own your misery or start making plans so you can not feel like you are trapped.
You can be responsible for her, but only to a point to get her to be on her own. Just like parents tell their kids to start making plans to leave the nest.
*Finish school, get a job, pay rent, etc.
She is going to have to learn that LIFE IS HARD and you have to do your share!
...............................
A
male
reader, tormentedsoul +, writes (17 June 2011):
tormentedsoul is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThanks for the advice. Will reply to specific points each person made as all of you raised some good issues. First though a short paragraph on our progress since yesterday. Called her at lunch and asked her if she was happy and what I could do to improve our relationship. Unfortunately she took this as me wanting to dump her and got angry, accusing me of abandonning her when she needed me most! I eventually calmed her down, but not before she broke my cell phone and accused me of being in love with someone else (i'm not, I believe in fidelity in a relationship). So now I really don't know how to approach the issue.RedAthena, the point you raise about the pressures of a relationship are valid and, I realise now, I should have seen coming. It's a bit ironic that I was the one who brought our relationship to the next step (she wasn't too keen on being engaged but eventually agreed) but am now the one left hoping she'll play a more active role later on. Otherwise, not sure how I will manage to balance everything and make everyone happy. Is it too much to hope that a person can dramatically change who they are if they haven't done so already?Kirr07, glad you two seem to be working things out. At this point my fiancee doesn't seem to share your ability to compromise. Does the change have to be simultaneous (she becomes less clingy, I become more emotionally available) or can they come one after the other (I change first, then she sees the effort I make and changes too)? So far my attempts to meet her halfway have resulted in me being dragged to her. As for taking care of her well in some ways but neglecting her other needs....if I don't do some things in order to devote more energy into taking care of her....who will pick up the slack? jmc930, any advice on turning her from a child to an adult? As you say, neither of us is very happy right now but I want to make an effort.Jonas, far as I know I'm her first serious relationship, which may be the issue here. I actually have tried to get her involved in other things in order to relieve her boredom. She joined a tennis club but stopped going since it was "too hard" and she "wasn't any good". Same for the gym membership I got her, the art class, and the shooting club (I figured her blowing stuff up might be relaxing. Not my brightest move, she accused me of wanting to turn her into "one of the guys"). I tried getting her to see some of her old friends but got accused of trying to get rid of her.Haven't been able to figure out what she likes yet, and asking her warrants a shrug at best or "girly stuff", whatever that means. Any activities you think may work?anonymous, it may be true that I have settled, that is something that worries me. I do believe I love her (hence why I try so hard, why I proposed, why I do all I can to please her) but at the same time I do feel trapped. Breaking up isn't something I like to consider as I feel responsible for her (where would she go, how can she finish school without me, etc) and do enjoy parts of our relationship.
...............................
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (17 June 2011): I agree that you two may not be compatible. Something that sticks me odd is that not once throughout this entire post do you mention that you love her. I have a feeling that you might have just settled into the relationship and feel trapped.
...............................
A
reader, anonymous, writes (17 June 2011): I'm shocked that you two got engaged, based on what you've explained here. As Red Athena said, you are acting the role of the parent, and she is the child.
I hate to say it since you are so far into your relationship, but you sound really incompatible, to a degree in which I think neither of you are really going to be happy while married.
You're going to need to do some introspective thinking to decide whether marrying this woman is really something that you want to do, and whether you want to put up with her behavior for the rest of your life.
...............................
A
female
reader, kirra07 +, writes (17 June 2011):
Your problem sounds eeriely similar to me and my fiance. He is like you, and I am like her. However, we are trying to meet on a middle ground. We are trying to communicate our needs and desires to each other, so we can understand each other.I want to see if one thing is similar between our stories. Your girlfriend may very well be naturally very clingy and dependent. But are your actions making her worse? You say you are a very busy guy. You play on several teams, you work, you have things around the house to take care of, you want to spend time with friends, etc. Where does she fit into all of this? It sounds like the 2 of you are living together, so is she simply there because you 2 are living together? Do you take for granted that you will see her every day? Do you try to spend quality time together on a regular basis and show her that you want to be with her? I'll try to explain with my own personal example. I used to get annoyed with my fiance because he always seemed to want to do things on his own: play his games, watch tv shows that he's mostly the only one interested in, etc. So I would be annoyed that he wasn't trying to do things with me, and he was annoyed that I didn't seem to be giving him space/time to do his own thing. Both of us were unhappy. The point that we found was that: it wasn't that I wanted to spend every last minute with him, I just wanted to feel wanted. I wanted him to ask me if I wanted to watch a show with him, or ask me to spend time with him, or ask me what we could do together, occasionally. Then, even if he asked me if I wanted to watch a hockey game with him, if I didn't want to do it, I was simply happy he asked and I would go do whatever else I wanted to do and he still got to watch his game. Both of us were happy. My point is that we reached a mutual understanding. He understands what parts of his actions made him seem uncaring and insensitive and neglectful of me, and I understand that he needs some space/time. He was able to make some changes that were more considerate of me, and I was able to give him more space because I felt my emotional needs were being met. You can be taking care of her extremely well in some ways, but neglecting her in others. If she really values emotional closeness, then taking care of all those other needs might still leave a void. She might be much happier if you didn't take care of her in those ways, but focussed more on her emotional side. Anyway, the 2 of you need to have a talk about what each of you value, and how each other's actions make each of you feel. Then talk about what the 2 of you need from each other in the relationship, and how each of you can try to compromise to give each other that.
...............................
A
female
reader, RedAthena +, writes (16 June 2011):
That is not a gap...that is a canyon you are trying to fill.
I always give engaged couples the same advice to gauge if they really SHOULD get married at all.
First, take everything you love about that person, and cut that in half.
Next, take everything you dislike about them, and DOUBLE it.
THAT is what marriage is like. When you are in the thick of marriage, the work, the commitments, the pressures, the children, the bills, the debts, etc...
The expectations of you will become more!
Sadly, your gf sounds very clingy and immature. While you are already taking on the role of provider and protector, she is more child like in her role. You did not sign up to be her Parent. You signed up to be a partner.
You do NOT sound very compatible, and should SERIOUSLY reconsider marriage with someone who is not behaving as an equal, but more as a spoiled child who whines when she does not get her way.
By all means, DO have control of YOUR emotions. Yelling is not an option. Speak directly and CALMLY. Being independant is not a problem, but she has not learned HOW to do that yet.
In HER defense, if you are the awful person she thinks you are...she should not be marrying YOU either!
Best Wishes.
...............................
|
