A
male
age
30-35,
*razysecret
writes:I have been dating my gf for over 3 years now and she accompanied me to the hospital so I could update my hospital card. She said that the office to update my card closes at 4 but when we arrived she pointed out that they close at 3. I innocently said; (I thought you said they close at 4) and then she LOST IT saying (It's not my fault, I didn't lie! Stop accusing me!). At this point I'm already sick and tired so I grab her by the arm (not hard enough to hurt her but hard enough for her to claim she's in pain) and say; (Hey I am not blaming you) to which she replies; (that hurt you violent prick). At this point I'm frustrated but don't want to lose my cool so I tell her; (Just go).She ends up disappearing for a good 30 minutes and ignores my calls before finally calling me back saying; (you told me to leave so I left). Now for those of you reading this you should know that my stuff are at her place and she knows that I need her to go back to her place to get my stuff. That being said, her claiming that she thought I meant to leave when I said (just go) rather than to just go wait somewhere else while I update my card is an acceptable misunderstanding but not a real one and she knows it. Anyways I end up meeting her in whatever location she's in and we head home together. When we are about 5 minutes from her place she stops and says (so you're just gonna get your stuff and leave?) I say yes and she refuses to move forward. I get mad because she doesn't even know why I'm upset and I start to call her selfish immature and a bubble head. She does not take kindly to that, gets mad and decides to just walk in the opposite direction from her place forcing me to be dragged along. I tell her you can't just leave and hold my stuff hostage. She ignores me and just keeps walking forcing me to tag along while she goes in clothing stores and whatever until I get fed up and leave to wait for her in front her place. She finally comes back to her place and lets me in... I am pretty pissed and just want to get my stuff and then leave... Once I have my bag she tries to stop me from leaving. I told her to move and I leave her place. The next day she blocks me from Facebook (which I am assuming automatically unfriends me) only to regret her impulsive action and unlocks me an hour later. Now it's been a week and neither of us have contacted one another. I don't want to contact her because if I do it sends a message that she can treat me like that and get away with it.... but I do love her and I am not sure what to do or what she is thinking.
View related questions:
facebook, immature, violent Reply to this Question
Share |
Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
male
reader, Crazysecret +, writes (29 May 2015):
Crazysecret is verified as being by the original poster of the question I did not go to update my card because of my illness but for another matter entirely. They are simply two irrelevant things that were happening in my life. I'd say that I have some credibility considering the fact that I am coming to people for advice and would gain nothing except false sympathies by lying. .Please do not twist my words, I pinched her, yes. Am I proud of it? No. Did she deserve it? You tell me after somebody playfully pinches you 5 times and you tell them to stop because it's not funny but they won't listen. I carelessly said I did not "hurt" her and you took advantage of that... so let me make this clear because you're clearly using semantics to your advantage. Yes pinching can technically be described as "hurting" but is it domestic violence? No. Would you call the police and say; My husband pinched me, please help!? No. I would NEVER Truly harmed my girlfriend or do anything to make her feel unsafe to be in the same room as me Nor do I plan to start.I am the the one providing the information and I don't consider myself completely innocent in all this or else I wouldn't have bothered bringing up the points that put me at fault (e.g. Grabbing her arm and insulting her). Did I say these things so I can later defend them to get sympathy, as you claim? No, that is simply ridiculous, why would I even bring them up in the first place? In conclusion, please feel free to respond to my post, in fact I welcome it.
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (27 May 2015): wow this is the history of a bad relationship, a series of blamings and frustrations that have very nearly gotton out of hand.Lets be glad you dont have children or what a horribly manipulated tug of love future they would have.Your both at explosion point over NOTHING. It must be a non stop fight for dominance.Let this crazy sign reading chick go..by your account she is just one hell of a nisance who doesnt know how to behave with a man like you and if you should ever find anyone who is just right for you for goodness sake dont beat the children or pinch them if youve had a bad day..and always do your own homework regarding your mental and physical health .As for this zany crazy chick, well they come ten a penny dont they and she most certainly will pinch the kids and book appointments at awkward times.
...............................
A
female
reader, CindyCares  +, writes (27 May 2015):
 Yes, I had noticed too that at every posting the grabbing seemed to become softer and gentler... nearly fading into a loving caresse....
OP, let's cut to the chase : would you agree to a definition of grabbing as putting your thumb and index ( at the very least ) in a semicircle form and with that encircling closely someone's upper arm ? ... Well, you CAN'T do that either. Unless the grabbee is a 3.y.o. child tryng to play with a box of matches .You do not grab an adult woman. It's rude .You do not grab her if she is upset, if she is screaming, if she is making a scene.. you do NOT TOUCH her. You just leave the premises if you feel embarassed.
There's still a lot of : but she did this, but she did that. We believe you , OP, at least I do, or I try hard to. Yet, once again, it's THAT simple- two wrongs do not make a right. YOU behave, -you are responsible for your own behaviour. She for hers. Past nursery school , there's no : she MADE me do x and Y. Of course there may be quite exceptional circumstances , we are human and make mistakes, ...only, the way you report things makes it sound like this kind of carrying on is NOT an exception for either of you. Then, - do NOT do it; realize it's not acceptable. If you find yourself always in the position of having to react in a socially unacceptable way - then you just can't be together.
- The scenario that you depict at the hospital booths does not sound to me like contraddicting my assumption, it confirms it , in fact. You had sent her to get info ON YOUR BEHALF prior to your arrival, then you challenge the info and doublecheck. By saying " YOU said that... " Now, I am not saying this is a crime for which you should be jailed OP, but you seem to disbelieve , or not to understand, that this is rude, annoying and boorish. She MIGHT have screwed up,STILL you say, .." I thought that... " or " I had understood that ... " WHY ? Because she is not your paid personnel, OP, she is not supposed to get it right or else. She was doing you a favour ; any regular person ,maybe would not have such a wild crazy reaction like your Gf ,of course, but would be pissed off and be entitled to respond " then, next time YOU do it ! "
Anyway- let's not get lost among the details or the fine points of what went on at the hospital. What matters is :
From any subsequent post - it comes out that maybe you were quite literal ,OP, not sarcastic, when you said " I did not know I could break up ".
At least, you did not know that you SHOULD not do anything else than break up.
If your Gf is REALLY the crazy aggressive out of control she-devil that you describe- one who pinches, scratches, draws blood, SLAPS ( ! ) , yells and flies off the handle at the slightest trigger- you are in an abusive relationship, and we can only tell you what we tell all the abused WOMEN who write to Dear Cupid : that's a total dealbreaker. It MUST be an universal dealbreaker.
There's no condoning, or " handling " or tolerating or micromanaging ongoing physical abuse. You just REFUSE to take it- AND to fight back with the same weapons occasionally. ( As unluckily happened to you ).
This is not about " love " .Love is not violent or mean or angry or disrespectful.
So, whether you are really the mellow ,laid- back , defenseless victim that you describe... or that you have a good 50/50 share in the shenanigans you talk about so casually-
no, don't waste time on " sarcasm". Just call it a day.
There is, and there should not be, other recourse.
...............................
A
male
reader, Crazysecret +, writes (27 May 2015):
Crazysecret is verified as being by the original poster of the questionWell thank you all for your input, I will acknowledge all advice given to me, even the ones I disapprove of (not counting the ones that were based off false speculations).
I sincerely hank you all for your input.
I will do what I think is best... or at least I hope I will.
...............................
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (26 May 2015): To get back to the original question you posted...
Basically, neither of you wants to talk to the other anymore, and you have been out of contact for a week already.
You took all of your things from her place and don't intend to go back again.
I would say you are already broken up.
Enjoy your newfound singlehood. I hope you have better luck in your next relationship.
...............................
A
female
reader, chigirl  +, writes (26 May 2015):
 Obviously, the solution is to stop grabbing her arm in order to calm her down.
You can't make someone calm down, you can't force someone to act different. They either do out of their own free will, or they don't. So, either you accept her behavior and allow for the rant and all the attention it brings, or you end it. Really, it is that simple. Because you can not make her behave differently, you can not make her change. People do not change...! You can only change yourself. So start there.
...............................
A
female
reader, So_Very_Confused  +, writes (26 May 2015):
 This is clearly a mutually abusive relationship.
she abuses you and you stay with her.... then you give us YOUR POV... can we get HER POV too?
why do you stay with such an abusive (physically and mentally) abusive woman?
...............................
A
male
reader, Crazysecret +, writes (26 May 2015):
Crazysecret is verified as being by the original poster of the questionSomething CindyCares said as forced me to write this; I assume this is not the first time she does little things for you, and this is not the first time you make her notice that she screwed up.She is not your secretary, OP, nor your doting Mom. You have her get an info or a check schedule for you, ... something that you could and should do by yourself.... it's a big THANKS anyway , even if she should have got it wrong. You focus on the help she gave you ( even IF she got it wrong for once ! ) , not on the incorrect info. She is not your employee, she is not bound to take care of YOUR hospital card or what is it , she does not get to have her knuckles rapped even if she reported something wrong.So, you do NOT get to say " ...But you said it was at 4 ! " - ( implied accusation, and whiny child tune ); you say " Oh ? I thought it was at 4 ". Or " I was under the impression that it closed at 4 ?".... Then , she can say , if she wants , " yeah sorry, must have read it wrong, my bad " ... This in case, she actually did give you the wrong info, and it wasn't you who misunderstood !, because how can you be SURE of that ? ....***Here's what happened; we arrived at the hospital, I saw that the office was open but 2 of the three boots were closed... so she said; does it look closed to you? I said; no the last boot is still open. She looked at a paper near the office that seemed to suggest that it might close at 3. However, the wording also suggested that the service that closes at 3 is not the service I need to update my card. So wanting to make sure how valid the information she got prior to our arrival was (because yes people make mistakes, It's not impossible) I asked: I thought you said they close at 4? And that's where she thought I was blaming her and thus began her rant. Now I suppose that such a misunderstanding is possible but I am ill and tired and only human... I always try to make mature decisions to avoid having a situation escalate and turn ugly but when you have a slight fever and your throat is killing you and your girlfriend is screaming about something that isn't even true what would you do? Nevertheless, I do not want to raise my voice louder than hers because 1. My throat is sore and wouldn't allow it and 2. I wouldn't raise my voice anyways don't want to attract any further attention to us. So, what do I do... I hold her and approach her to tell her that I am not blaming her. And yes! to those of you who want to focus on the "grabbing" oh big deal... I put my hands around her arm... I did not squeeze her I did not yank at her I did not pull her towards me and I did not hurt her. She was loosing control over nothing and I needed to calm her down. She has a history of over dramatizing situation and not just with me but with other people. Anyways... I thought I can get some advice on how to handle things when she acts impulsively but apparently everybody's "Golden" solution is to break up... As though I never knew that was a possibility.... That is sarcasm btw. I am here to find an alternative as I love her and she loves me. But... if there is no alternative then great...I suppose I got my answer. ***
...............................
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (26 May 2015): ok, INSTEAD of a lengthy reply:
Really, tell me, how HEALTHY do you think this relationship is?
As,in,really? NO justifications, NO explanations. Just stop and think. Is this YOUR normal?
What everyone is getting at is that whichever way you slice it, however you present it- this is NOT healthy.
If it was HEALTHY you would NOT have to explain any of this.
As suggested you need to analyse your behaviour. And Through all your answers (and after them),I still think Chigirl has already put it best for you: "Here's the thing. You're either justifying your actions, or you admit they were wrong. You can not do both at the same time."
...............................
A
male
reader, Crazysecret +, writes (26 May 2015):
Crazysecret is verified as being by the original poster of the question*****Before anybody else decides to give me any further advice I urge them to read what I am about to write because I fear you might be misinformed.When I say I grabbed her by the arm I feel I should elaborate on this point as some of you are letting your imaginations run rampant. I did not grab her to display dominance and I did not grab her to express my anger. When she was ranting she was also pacing around, I simply placed my right hand around her left arm to get her attention to tell her that I am not blaming her. The reason she called me a violent prick is because I am such a passive gentle guy (unfortunately an occasional pushover) that NEVER hurts her and the simple act of me gently grabbing her with seemingly malicious intent gave her the excuse she needed to be "in the right". (I NEVER hurt her. I am not counting the occasional ONE pinch on her arm as a response to the 5 Pinches she would give me. However, a pinch is a pinch... I pinched her back to remind her that it does hurt because simply saying "it hurts" doesn't seem to register BUT If she were to SCRATCH me and make me bleed or slap me in the face which she has done, that is something I Have Never Retaliated from because that would require Actively producing REAL harm towards her AND that is something I have NEVER nor will I ever do.*****
...............................
A
reader, anonymous, writes (26 May 2015): I'm sorry you are disappointed in blunt and honest advice.
You are a man, so I gave it to you like a man. You should be more disappointed in yourself. Code Warrior and I are the only uncles addressing your post with the intent to make you see the wrongness in "grabbing" a woman and calling her names. That is done from uncontrolled anger; I don't care how justified you feel about it. You feel justified; because you were angry and losing control from a history of violence between the two of you. It is starting to escalate, that's a very bad sign. The only way you two know how to deal with disagreements is through harsh language and physical-abuse.
Grabbing someone is using force. That's what makes it wrong.
If she has been physically-abusive to you, then perhaps the fact that you reacted with force is a reflex-response to her long-term abuse towards you. Maybe it is time that you removed yourself from such hostile conditions. It is only a matter of time that something really awful could happen; and either of you may end-up seriously wounded or in jail. Physical-altercations are an indication there are anger management-problems on both sides.
The remedy to such domestic-violence on both sides is for you both to be separated and to do something about your tempers. Together you are as combustible as a lit match and gasoline. You have the advantage of physical strength.
She did the right thing by "disappearing." It removed her from the scene, gave her time to chill, and put distance between your tempers. You got angry because she "disappeared?" She's a grown woman, and you know she was somewhere to eventually be found. She had to come home sooner or later.
Calling someone a "bubble-head" is demeaning, and implying they are stupid. No matter what you say, you can't make what you said and did to her right.
I give straightforward and honest advice. I don't sugar-coat the advice to tell you what you want to hear. I'm hoping you will realize you're in a bad situation, if you and your girlfriend exchange violence between you. You are a man, with much more strength. Too much of her picking at your nerves will eventually send you over the edge and into a rage. That is anger built-up over time. That could be dangerous. You are too young to ruin your life by ending-up in jail over charges for assault or domestic violence. What I've told you is for your own good. You don't man-handle women under any circumstances. When they get out of hand and choose violence over communication; you leave them. There is no love to be had when you have to physically defend yourself from your partner.
...............................
A
female
reader, CindyCares +, writes (26 May 2015):
OP, I think you are either sticking to your guns because you are stubborn by nature, or ... you are somewhat clueless and you just don't get it , do you ?
It's quite simple ,actually :
- You do not get to " grab " your gf. There's no something like " just grabbing "- "just grabbing "is rude, aggressive, hostile, and uncalled for . You don't grab (her , or anybody else as for that ), if you are right, you don't grab if you are wrong ( unless we are talking maybe about a young child running toward incoming traffic ,or stuff like that ).
She raised her voice ? Sort of yelled at you ? Wrong of her ! but, two wrongs do not make a right. You mind your OWN behaviour and make sure it's correct and does not cross boundaries; THEN, you can worry about hers, discuss it and correct it in a proper time and venue ( not in a public hospital, and not in the middle of a heated row ).
- You don't get to tell her " just go ". Who do you think you are ? Is the hospital yours ? She is not your hunting dog, she can't/ should not respond to " fetch " " sit "
" go ". Add a " please ", at the very least !! Or, be civil and say, look, it's better if you go now and we'll talk in 10 minutes. Of you can't be calm ennough to react this way- then just use self control, steam inside, count to ten, and say nothing, absolutely nothing.
Spiel, like before. She was not being nice to you , she was grating on your nerves ... ? No matter, two wrongs do not make a right, and do not GIVE you a right blah blah.
Look, OO, this is not some fancy Martha Stewart- esque thing, this is the basic of communication, if you are used to other modalities... well, you have left a too high level of conflictuality and aggressivity seep in your relationship- and that needs to be taken care of, beside and deyond the single episode of this time. Or, worse ,this is your usual commubocation pattern with everybody, at least when you are frustrated, and again, you may want to fix that,otherwise you are going to reproduce it in most of your relationships of any type, romantic and not.
3 ) That's subtler, and yes, it implies an assumption or guess on my side, but , it's food for thought , I'd say:
" I just said : I thought you said it closed at 4 "-
That sound so very innocuous right ? It's not , OP. Words are important, and here there's a flaw both in form and in substance, which is just what busted her chops.
I assume this is not the first time she does little things for you, and this is not the first time you make her notice that she screwed up.
She is not your secretary, OP, nor your doting Mom. You have her get an info or a check schedule for you, ... something that you could and should do by yourself.... it's a big THANKS anyway , even if she should have got it wrong. You focus on the help she gave you ( even IF she got it wrong for once ! ) , not on the incorrect info. She is not your employee, she is not bound to take care of YOUR hospital card or what is it , she does not get to have her knuckles rapped even if she reported something wrong.
So, you do NOT get to say " ...But you said it was at 4 ! " - ( implied accusation, and whiny child tune ); you say " Oh ? I thought it was at 4 ". Or " I was under the impression that it closed at 4 ?".... Then , she can say , if she wants , " yeah sorry, must have read it wrong, my bad " ... This in case, she actually did give you the wrong info, and it wasn't you who misunderstood !, because how can you be SURE of that ? ....
But that's one little step further, let's say Social savvy 102, or Advanced smoothness.
While " don't grab " EVER ! and " do not talk to your gf as if she were your hunting dog " EVER ! is really really the basics ( :.
What do you do now ?...
Look, if I have to be honest- I am not that optimistic about the future of your couple. You do stuff and do not even understand why it's wrong, she, likewise- and , regardless of love, there seems to be a lot of turmoil and conflictuality and clashes of personality in your couple, so... attraction and magnetism may be high but compatibility is low . So, again, perhaps if I had to be frank... I'd just take this chance to call it a day.
But, since I doubt you are going to do that, second best is that you do like Chigirl says, you apologize without qualifiers and modifiers. You just tell her, sorry , I have been a tool, won't happen anymore.
THEN, you sit her down once you both are calm, and tell her that you have noticed how you have a dysfunctional way to push each other's buttons, and how this can be avoided by agreeing to respect certain boundaries. so, no name calling, no yelling, no grabbing on either side etc. etc.- and, if either of you feels close to cross the boundaries- you just agree that he / she can quickly leave the premises, go calm down somewhere else, and regroup the day after without further drama. Or, whatever works for you- you agree on boundaries, " safe words " etc, you make your own rules- then you have to respect them ,though !
...............................
A
female
reader, chigirl +, writes (26 May 2015):
Here's the thing. You're either justifying your actions, or you admit they were wrong. You can not do both at the same time.
So when you say you were wrong to call her bubble head "but...", you are NOT sorry for doing it, but justifying it. When you say you grabbed her arm "but it wasn't hard..." you're doing it again.
You were wrong to do these things. Admit to it, without the buts. Say to yourself you were wrong. Do not permit such behavior from yourself regardless of what someone else does to you. Nothing justifies YOU doing the wrong thing. Do you understand that?
This means that you call her, you apologize to her for what YOU did, without any buts. I am really ticket off with people who think the "Im sorry, but you made me do it" is an actual apology, because it's actually abusive behavior. Blaming someone else for YOUR actions is abusive behavior. Own your actions.
You owning your actions does NOT mean you own hers. Lets get that clear. You apologizing to her for your wrong doings does not mean she gets a free card on her wrong doings. I'd tell her the same thing Im telling you. Abusive behavior goes both ways, not just from the male to the female, but the other way around as well. But if you are honest about her abusive behavior towards you, pinching, snapping etc, then it is YOUR responsibility to remove yourself from her.
You can not force people to treat you differently. All you can change is who you choose to have in your life.
...............................
A
male
reader, Crazysecret +, writes (26 May 2015):
Crazysecret is verified as being by the original poster of the questionI am very disappointed in "wideowl" and "codewarrior"... I came here seeking guidance but all I have gotten from these two are insults based on false speculations.Here are some of your claims;1. "I think you blew up at her over the hospital closing time and I think you grabbed her arm hard and hurt her. I think she retaliated by keeping you from getting to your things"2. "You also over-reacted about the closing time and the fact she walked away from you"My responses to these statements;1. Blew up over the closing time? I was convinced they were still opened and I was right. And I did not hurt her I barely grabbed her. And she didn't keep me from getting my things only One particular object I normally leave behind and the reason she didn't want me to take it is because it would suggest I am not coming back. 2. I did not over-react about the closing time I simply asked: I thought you said they closed at 4... also she didn't walk away she disappeared.
...............................
A
female
reader, MSA +, writes (26 May 2015):
 During the 3 years you and your GF were together, you both must have built up a lot of anger and resentment towards each other. This is why you both are easily angered over little things like this.
Seems you have lost the love and patience for one another. Things are not looking good for you. Time apart is good for the both of you to calm down and re-evaluate this relationship. Do you still want to be together?
If you still love her and want to be with her, you will need to change your ways and your temper. It is ALWAYS wrong for the guy to hurt a girl no matter what the situation is. If you truly love her, you will not be able to say mean things to her or hurt her in any way.
Good Luck!
...............................
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (25 May 2015): Regardless of who is right/wrong, if you stop playing this silly domination game (who'd crack first?wtf? ),
do you really think that this relationship is healthy?
I see bad behaviour on both sides,and for the sake of you both, I think you should stay well away EVEN if she does end up contacting you. It's just unhealthy all around.
...............................
A
reader, anonymous, writes (25 May 2015): You had no business grabbing a woman by the arm!!! She called you a violent prick; because that's what you are if you did it!!! I doubt she'd say it hurt, if it didn't. You also over-reacted about the closing time and the fact she walked away from you. Over a mistake about the closing time? So big deal, it wasn't closed for the season.
Apparently you got the card renewed! You didn't get there after it closed!~
I do believe you lost your cool and grabbed her arm! I think you frequently lose your temper, and that's why she was agitated with you. She should have locked you out; if you were behaving like a beast.
If I were able to advise her, I'd tell her not to let you back into her apartment, and get a restraining order. I hope she had decided to end it. You don't rough-handle women!
What should you do? Leave her alone, and get anger management counseling.
...............................
A
male
reader, Crazysecret +, writes (25 May 2015):
Crazysecret is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThere's one problem with your assessment code warrior... I was not angry at all and the office wasn't even closed... When I asked; (I though you said it closes at 4) I was confused as to why she was second guessing herself and when she responded by screaming at me that's when I got irritated at her making a scene for nothing.... Why would I lie if I am trying to get accurate advice?
...............................
A
male
reader, Crazysecret +, writes (25 May 2015):
Crazysecret is verified as being by the original poster of the questionI know it was wrong to call her a bubble head but I was too angry to apologize. I also think that for her to call me a violent prick is laughable and hypocritical because I have never physically hurt her and she always slaps me or pinches me and sometimes scratches me to the point where I bleed.
...............................
A
female
reader, chigirl +, writes (25 May 2015):
And how do you feel about the way you treat her?
...............................
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (25 May 2015): No healthy relationship functions like this. Do you two even enjoy each others company? Is this relationship going anywhere or do you just fight? You were at a hospital so clearly you're not well, and she acts like that. If she cared she would not behave in such a ridiculous manner. Decide whether you even want a relaionship anymore, as to an outsider it seems like you two should be going your separate ways.
...............................
|
