A
female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:I have been going out with my boyfriend for 9 months now. We are both introverts and both don't find it easy opening up to other people. A few days ago, we woke up one morning and unexpectedly from nowhere he said he wanted to talk about our relationship and where it's going. It was unexpected because we woke up that morning and had sex and then he told me he wanted to break up because after 9 months neither of us are in love with the other.I then told him the reason I think we don't love each other is because we haven't made much of an effort to. We have spent a lot of time together but majority of our conversation would have been quite superficial and we haven't done much of opening up to each other and communicating on a deeper level. To cut a long story short, we concluded that we would give the relationship another go and we would focus on being more open with each other. Given we both struggle with this I'm wondering now if we have a chance of making it work and I'm slightly anxious that I'm constantly going to be too focused on how much we are making progress with this. My boyfriend is 35 and he hasn't had a significant relationship so far. Should that be telling me something?I'm also not happy that he would have sex with me knowing that he wanted to break things off with me. I feel like that wasn't very respectful to me and wonder if I'm slightly over reacting. We were having a conversation today about handbags and shoes which I commented I wasn't hugely into. He made a comment saying "you are not much of a girl are you?" Which was also a reference to me not finding it easy to open up.I would like to try to make it work between us but I wonder if that is just wishful thinking and it would be better for us both of we moved on? Or how we can make our relationship work better for us? Reply to this Question
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (27 May 2015): I agree with the other anon poster-9 months is plenty of time to "know" where something is heading.What's the alternative? Spend 2 to 5 years on every relationship till you grow out of the honey moon period of each one??? I'm afraid I won't live that long...He has made up his mind- and told you about it clearly. He sees no future with you, but likes the sex so won't go when that is still on the table.You're already starting to become resentful of him using you for sex ("I'm also not happy that he would have sex with me knowing that he wanted to break things off with me. I feel like that wasn't very respectful to me and wonder if I'm slightly over reacting.") My opinion-no you're not overreacting! Why? Coz someone who could do that is very cold and only puts themselves and their needs first. NOT yours! He really did not consider your feelings or how that could impact you!You're quite right-he covered his needs first and then decided to grace you with the knowledge of "how things stand". He could have had that conversation with you any time,anywhere. But,no, he'd rather have one last "hurrah" before he leaves.When I had this conversation myself with my then other half, I made sure to be in a public place( yet intimate enough not to be overheard ) and it was in the lines of "I don't know why, but I'm just not happy. With us".He convinced me to stay. I utterly regret my weakness now.I should have done it then and gone,coz something even back then was screaming inside me:"Nope,wanna go!"It resulted in a lot of resentment over the years on my side and a lot of similar snide comments on his...From personal experience-when someone wants to go: LET them.You're not gaining anything and you prolong the misery. I'd make "It takes two to have good communication" part of your parting speech.
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (26 May 2015): Agreed. It's a gradual process although fist comes the attraction and natural chemistry. Love should be a natural progression but in my estimation after 9 months, you should both have a pretty good good idea of where the relationship is going. Don't settle for anything but the real thing . Good luck!
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (26 May 2015): I think that you guys should stay together, it has been only 9 months and it is still honeymoon stage right now. I say you give it sometime. If you feel like your over reacting about him too much, fall back for a while just to see where his head is. If his ways change about you then your question has been answered. If his is better then he's a keeper!
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A
female
reader, janniepeg  +, writes (26 May 2015):
 Loving each other is partly putting an effort but mainly it's a state of being that you emanate from the inside. Introvert means there is a richness in your inner world. If you don't express yourself verbally there is still smiling and being affectionate. I think he is blaming it one you and it is not all up to the girl to open up. It certainly takes two.
It sounds like you've had significant relationships but he doesn't. Maybe he hasn't presented himself to be one that you could fall in love with. At 9 months you should still be in the honey moon stage.
He could be mentioning break up because he thought it could instigate love and passion. It's forced. He is taking advantage of you not wanting the relationship to end in order for you to sweet talk him, ego stroke him.
That's a very cruel thing to do. I am very sure this is not a problem of being introvert. He's playing at your weakness. I think he doesn't know what love is and is getting bored at 9 months so he makes it your job to make it exciting while he vainly gets to critique your progress.
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A
female
reader, MSA  +, writes (26 May 2015):
 You should not have to 'make an effort' to love each other. It should be a natural Chemistry.. no effort needed to feel that attraction to each other. Isn't that why you both started dating? Because of your attraction towards each other? 9 months together is still early honeymoon stages where you enjoy each other's company, flirt, laugh, make love, and have fun! You don't necessarily need to have deep talks or dig into each other's history to be in love, although learning and understanding each other's pasts enables you to appreciate and love each other more.My suggestion is to focus on and enjoy each other's company for now. The 'deep talks' and 'opening ups' will slowly come in time. Once you are together longer and experience more together, you will develope a trust for each other and will be able to share more. If he's not able or ready to share certain things with you, please allow him the space and trust that he will when he's ready.Good Luck!
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