A
male
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:Aunts, can you please give me some perspective of this please.I have been dating this girl for like 3 months. she is gorgeous, 26, very sweet. I know she has a number of bfs in the past and she's experienced with guys. But i dont let that intimidate me because I felt we had a connection. The thing is, though, our last conversation last week got me REALLY upset and now I cant face her.See, she made a sex tape back in college with a guy who casually knew, an acquaintance. He paid her for it and she needed the money, it was for his "personal collection". she told me this when we talking about our past. The guy never released it to the web, he honored his contract with her, and she said she never did anything like that again. That really didnt bother me so much because we all do things that we regret when we are young. BUT...what happened last week really got to me. We were having this conversation about movies. Then she asked me if I wanted to see her sex video."You mean you still have a copy?" I asked her. She laughed and said yes, the guy gave her a copy. I got a little angry and said, "No, of course I dont wanna see it!! Why would I wanna see you having sex with another guy and be used by somebody else??"She looked honestly surprised. Then she told me: "But my last boyfriend wanted to see it."I asked her then if she showed it to him, and she said yes he wanted to see it so she showed it to him. She actually SENT it to him over the Internet as a video file (so I guess he still has a copy!) Now at this point I got really taken aback. I mean ok it is one thing to mess up when you are young and move on. But it is another to still offer to show the sex tape to other people. And what kind of creep wants to see their gf having sex with another guy for money?? I became really quiet and then excused myself. This was last week and I have been avoiding her since, for 4 days. She has been leaving messages, and I have been answering with short replies saying I am real busy.So Aunts, my questions are:Am I crazy for not wanting to see this girl I am dating having sex with another guy? Is this really a turn on for other guys?? Is her ex-bf a creep or am I too repressed??Also, is it weird for this girl to give out the film to her bf to keep, or to ask me if I want to see it? Please help, I am so confused. I really liked this girl but now I can't face her...
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male
reader, anonymous, writes (13 May 2011):
I have a similar story to share. This happened to my brother and not to me, but you may find it useful:
My brother is an interesting guy to put it mildly. He played minor league hockey, spent time in prison for misdemeanor theft when he was 18, and is literally covered in tattoos. He looks like a kind of tough guy and he hangs out with an "interesting" crowd. However, underneath it all he actually has a very soft heart and is very sweet.
He met a girl through his circle of friends who had had a rough life. Her dad had died in prison and her mom was a druggie. She lived with her old, frail grandparents. Since she was 16 she acted as a mom for her younger brother and when my brother met her she was in her 20s and had just completed her MBA. That shows a lot of guts and courage and incredible character. My brother met her and fell in love with her.
However, with no real role models and some measure of desperations, she made some questionable decisions before she met him. She had worked as a stripper to pay for grad school, which she told my brother about early on. As you can guess, my brother isn't the type who was too worried about that. In fact, I think he liked that. She had a gorgeous body and liked to show it off and I don't know this for a fact, but I think the sex was great.
As they got deeper into the relationship, more skeletons emerged from her closet. She had dated an awful lot of men very casually. I wouldn't say she was a prostitute in a literal sense, but she definitely used her body to help provide for her and her brother. She was very used to receiving a lot of male attention and it was hard for her to remain committed. In fact, I am not sure she really understood what that meant. She never cheated, but she was a shameless flirt. Nevertheless, my brother remained resolved to marry her and turn her into an honest woman. She had a good heart and they were together a long time. She had a very hard time leaving the lifestyle she was used to, but with my brother's help the relapses were less and less.
Then came the bombshell:
One of my brother's friends called him and told him that he'd seen her in an X-rated video. My brother was pretty sure that there must have been some mistake. Yes, she was a stripper, but a video? No, not her. Long story short, my brother watched the video and it was indeed her. It completely turned his stomach. He confronted her and she admitted that she had done that for a while before they met and it wasn't just one video. Now, my brother is not the type of guy to necessarily let the fact the she made a video bother him. However, what really upset him was that:
1) He had watched it and couldn't get it out of his mind
2) His friends had watched it
In the end, it tore him up and they broke up. It takes a certain kind of man to be secure with that and that wasn't him. In fact, that's not most guys. There are guys who are okay with that. Men marry pornstars all the time.
The fact that this girl made a video for money, is willing to share it, and wanted you to see it means that she is really messed up and I feel badly for her just like I felt badly for my brother (now) ex. Good people do stupid things. We all deserve a second chance. However, there are certain things that some people cannot get past. For my brother, this was one of them.
Ask yourself this question:
If you find out there's more to her past than she's let on will you be able to handle it? It's not fair to crucify people for things they did years ago, but some people are fundamentally broken and need a lot of fixing. Are you willing to do that with her?
My brother thought he was, but in the end it was just too much to bear. He's now with a nice, "normal" girl. I don't know what the ex- is up to, but I hope she can find a good man who can help her put her past behind her. The fact that your girlfriend didn't see anything wrong with this and you do means that she has a different value system than you do. Either accept her as she is or move on, but if you do move on please be kind to her. Don't make her feel bad about what she did, just tell her that you're a lot more uptight about those sorts of things.
A
reader, anonymous, writes (12 May 2011): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionI really cant thank you guys enough. I have to say mizz.butterflies point that she cant tell we are different people is huge issue. No its true, when I said I had no interest in seeing the vid she really was stunned. it's like in her world all men shes been with wanna see crap like that--even guys who said they "loved" her. weird worlds out there.yeah i am takin a breather on this. I texted her that i need my space to think about stuff. and you guys gave me a lot to think about.
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A
female
reader, mizz.butterflies  +, writes (12 May 2011):
 You are different people.
what girl would make a sex tape for money??? She could get a job like another user suggested.
lets say ur willing to get past this...the fact she showed this to her ex is DISGUSTING.
and the fact that she can't tell that ur different than he is....IS MORE DISGUSTING. basically,she doesnt know who u are. she is ur girlfriend and should know your values and views on such important things.
and if u guys break up, im sure shes gonna ask her next man to see her vid.
she sounds immature as f*ck to me. the type that thinks shes soooo sexy and earns body points with guys.
too bad u are not her typical jerk type that she can manipulate.
Next time be more careful when u get to know a girl. look for brains first then sweetness.
good luck.
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A
female
reader, Gabrielle Stoker +, writes (12 May 2011):
 @OP I can see what you mean. As I said, the incident would raise doubts on her ability to make good decisions, and I'll agree that sending the video to her ex smacks of stupidity.
Having no regrets about what she did - well, that's got to do with her personal values and opinions. She strikes me as being rather too naive and shows a lack of good judgement. It also appears that she does not share the same values that you do. You should probably think about whether that is significant enough for you to want to end the relationship. It just might be.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (12 May 2011): Id be offended as hell man and pretty upset. To me, thats disrespectful cause if youre in an exclusive relationship, why bring that up in the first place? Second, I find this the equivalent to women using porn in relationships for stimulation... to me, its like she's getting off with that video but using you to get the job done. Dude honestly, Id pass judgment on her because this is disrespectful, immature, and very, well, since shes bringing it up it could question her faithfulness to you because the video was made in a casual way and some guy paid her for it!! Thats not normal man. Fine, she coulda slept with him casually and learned thats not what she liked and then decided she liked relationships more... but she didnt do that... the fact she needed money is just an excuse. What she doesnt have family to support her? A friend? Why not get a job? WHY was she so supposedly desperate that she needed to do this? Id wait til your emotions calm a bit before talking to her about your feelings and what this sort of thing means for your relationship. This is a big red flag in my opinion and calls for questioning your relationship with her. The past is the past I do understand that but i find this particular situation not normal at all so it needs to be addressed. Best on this pal.
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A
female
reader, hannah76  +, writes (12 May 2011):
 Oh dear how awful. I wouldn't put up with this. I'd be devastated if I even knew that my guy had a copy of something like this.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (12 May 2011): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThanks all for the answers. Some replies-
@Gabrielle: "if you still like her, and the mere existence of this video should not change that, what's the harm."
It's not that the video exists that bothers me, I accept that and like I said we all do things we regret. What bothers me however is her willingness to share the video. If she regrets it why would she be willing to share it?? To me, it says something about how she views herself and how she views sex.
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@Babydoll:
Yes I thought of this too. If I had offered her a tape of myself having sex (no none exists) I am sure most girls would feel very uncomfortable.
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@Cupidus:
"But now she is facing yet another form of control, that being ownership. Now she'll have to obey, please, do as she is told, be a lady. Now she is viewed as chattel."
Is it "ownership" to expect that your wife will not cheat?
Is it "ownership" to want your gf to be only intimate with you?
I do not think it is "ownership" to feel funny about your gf having given out a sex tape she made FOR MONEY to her ex-bf!!
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@refinishing:
"Do you know if she proactively offered to allow her ex-boyfriend to view the video or if he asked her first?"
She said the ex asked her for the tape once she told him about it. Then she got the idea that men like to see that stuff so she offered it to me.
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My only hope now is that she is confused about how to please men. Maybe she thinks the way to a man's heart is through showing her body and having sex. If so it is not her fault, it's just she has been in bad relationships where she was respected only for her sexuality. I am thinking of having that conversation with her, any thoughts?
Thanks all for your time even those I disagreed with it.
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A
female
reader, Gabrielle Stoker +, writes (12 May 2011):
I think value judgements on the girl are uncalled for in this situation.
You need to evaluate this from your perspective. You're not comfortable with seeing her on video with another man. This is absolutely reasonable. The incident may have also caused you to re-evaluate your view of the girl's decision-making ability. That is also fair. The previous boyfriend had a different point of view from you, which is normal, after all, different people like different things.
Whether you choose to stay in the relationship depends on how far your view of her has changed - if you still like her, and the mere existence of this video should not change that, what's the harm.
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A
female
reader, Babydoll86 +, writes (12 May 2011):
If this was a mans sex tape the girl would be told to run a mile! And rightly so! I strongly think this girl has issue's! Who cares if she is proud of the tape- as i said, if the boot was on the other foot everyone would be calling the man a perve!
Run for the nearest exit and dont stop running!
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A
male
reader, Cerberus_Raphael  +, writes (12 May 2011):
 I find myself taking a liking to what Cupidus has said, to a certain extent.
What do you know for sure? You really like her and she obviously really likes you. Its understandable that you would get uncomfortable because of this but to go so far as to break up with her? I would have to disagree and proceed to discourage you. You yourself said she is sweet and that is worth a lot of thought. It is who she is, this video is not who she is, this video is who others wanted her to be. Take that for what you will but the point I am trying to communicate is, she is still the girl you felt strongly enough for to start dating, she is still the girl you find sweet and gorgeous, what has changed except the introduction to a video from her past? What has changed except for the fact that another person might have that video and whose to say he kept it? How do you know what he was like? You cannot make assumptions just because he chose to see that video. Some married couples make videos of themselves, they aren't freaks. They are loyal to each other and they enjoy their sex lives whilst still maintaining the respect and dignity of the other aspect of their relationship.
This video shouldn't change anything. She's proud of herself in that video, not the fact that she did it but the fact that some people enjoy watching her. It is a little difficult to explain but I hope you understand.
If you want to stop dating her, that is your choice but in my opinion, you aren't really giving her a chance here. She offered to show you this video because she thought you might enjoy watching it, not because she likes that she did it but the fact is that it is done and you cannot change it. Just say 'no thank you' and move on. No need to linger on the subject.
I hope that helps.
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A
female
reader, cupidus +, writes (12 May 2011):
 I really have to object to these answers, on the account the internet is mostly sex videos and porn sights, that are flooded with viewers. Why is one video boxing this girl a freak, a prostitute (like that's a bad thing!) a girl to avoid, not good girlfriend material. This is not some kind of out of the world request. Guy asks girl to film them having sex? How many millions of those videos have been requested and many made? Yet we calmly and without bias help people who have bleeding anus's from using power tools for sex toys? Here we have given a guy his somewhat patriarchal right to what, a virgin, a clean woman, a righteous woman?
Lets put the question in perspective
Do I accept that my GF has had a past sex life that she has on film and wants to share with me?
Ask yourself why it bothers you, does it challenge your masculinity? If so why?
There are many men who will ask their women to tell them dirty sex stories, imaginative little vignettes. I've also asked many men about true sexual stories and some do not like to hear them while others crave to hear them. I also find it had much to do with their personal confidence as well as their curiosity. For many other men who do not want to hear about these or view them I find that they have strong ownership issues, objectifying women much more than a sex tape ever could.
It seems that this girl has found a way into a man's heart through her body, I feel sadly for her. Because it's how many women approach men because of the: "she delivers" "she's hot" "got get that on" media and social hammer that all women face in society.
But now she is facing yet another form of control, that being ownership. Now she'll have to obey, please, do as she is told, be a lady. Now she is viewed as chattel.
Both of these people are not free, they have been shaped, contorted and molded upon, norms, peers, parents, churches and past abuses.
I could say unconditional love will help, but who besides our cats and dogs can we project that onto without bias and opinion? How do you teach humanity to a human? One could start with our greatest teachers, Gandhi, Luther, Aristotle, Mandela, Lama, etc..
I could go on and on... that would be a good start in Human Rights. But in the meanwhile, there is a girl who knows of only one way to love and a man who wants to own only one way of love. Both are not love, while one is tainted with abuse the other is stained with ego. Until there is freedom and knowledge there will be shame and doubt.
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A
female
reader, SweetSmoochy +, writes (12 May 2011):
 You are not confused at all. This is unhealthy and creepy in every way, and this poor, misguided girl seems to be a lot younger in her ways than 26. She needs to get her head on straight and stop degrading herself.
Yes, her ex is creepy, this is very weird, and you are not overreacting. You may want to move on to a more mature, stable girl.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (12 May 2011): You are 100% right, just walk away; I would do the same thing. How is it possible that she offers something like that to you unless she is a prostitute and you don’t know!
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male
reader, anonymous, writes (12 May 2011): Is she honestly that clueless? Who knows... Also, being paid for sex has a certain definition. I would run to the nearest exit.
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male
reader, refinishing +, writes (12 May 2011):
My friend, that is a sticky situation you are in. Regarding her last boyfriends desire to see the video, every person has their sexual perks, and that was probably his. As a matter of fact, if he had the chance, he may have let her do it again as HE records it. You'd be surprised, it's more common than you think. BUT! On to your question. Your girlfriend did do something that most people wouldn't really be proud of. Like you said, we all do things we regret. Although, I don't know if she regretted doing it since you said she sent it to her bf in a video file which means that's probably the way she got it to begin with and could have deleted it at any point in her life but chose to spread it instead. Do you know if she proactively offered to allow her ex-boyfriend to view the video or if he asked her first? If she asked him just as she asked you, there is an obvious issue and she's proud of her video, which is okay, for her. But to be in a relationship, that isn't really acceptable, depending on who you are with. Like I said, some people are into that. For you, I would be careful. Offering VIP seats on the couch for her sex tape is different than just being experienced with guys. If you can't face her now, you won't face her later. And if you do, there will always be that side of you that resents the question she asked you with such audacity. On another note, if you plan to break up with her over this, you may as well just watch the video and see how it truly makes you feel. Either you'll leave as planned, or find a side of yourself you didn't know before. You never know! Best of luck to you.
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