A
male
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:I have been dating my jealous, possessive, demanding and highly strung girlfriend for just over 2 years. I have constantly tried and failed to meet her demands and expectations. Her jealousy occasionally turns violent and emotional if she ever gets drunk. I try to reassure her, but she then calls me a liar. Nothing I say or do has ever been enough.I have now discovered, that after everything she has thrown at me, that she cheated on me in our early days and regularly goes on dating sites. I have put it to her and she has reacted very aggressively. I cannot get a straight answer about anything, without her turning it around on me, accusing me back or becoming highly strung. I am clearly the bad guy.What do I do? How can I find out what is, or isnt true or why?
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cheated on me, drunk, jealous, liar, violent Reply to this Question
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Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
reader, anonymous, writes (13 April 2013): I was in a situation just like this...except when I went a little nuts it was because my boyfriend of just over two years cheated on me and when we tried moving past it, he continuously lied to me about seeing this chick he cheated with. We broke up for quite some time and I started seeing other guys...when we decided we'd get back together, I got possessive and jealous...but because I was afraid of it happening again.so I guess my question to you is, think of what you may have done to make her feel this way? I am in no way condoning her violence...but you've obviously given her reason to act this way (jealous and possessive). You need to get out of this relationship because its hurting both of you. Or, if you don't want to leave her, show her evidence you've found and own up to anything you have done. Put it all out there. And by all, I mean ALL. Even if its just "little white" lies. Tell her everything and make her tell you everything. See where you want to go from there.
A
female
reader, Jeanette82 +, writes (12 April 2013):
 Being on dating sites is disrespectful enough. That's before you even mention the real cheating. Why would anyone want to be with someone like her? She is an abuser.
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A
female
reader, So_Very_Confused  +, writes (11 April 2013):
 I'm thinking it does not matter what is true and not true.
you know she's abusive to you
you know she's currently going on dating sites
you know she has an alcohol problem
you know she is jealous
you know she is demanding
you know she is possessive.
WHY does not matter.
truth about the OTHER things does not matter
truly what is a deal breaker for you because she's abusing you right now and that should be enough for you to leave and take better care of yourself.
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A
male
reader, bronzed adonis +, writes (11 April 2013):
 You probably wont ever get the closure you are hoping for. Does it really matter anymore? Dump her permanently.
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A
female
reader, raiders +, writes (11 April 2013):
 Its time to move on, your in an abusive relationship, don't play the victim. Some people choose to be with people like this because this is all they know and consider it normal, but its not. Get out of this relationship and get some help maybe counseling will help you value yourself more and to make you feel that you deserve better. Remember people do to us what we allow them to.
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A
female
reader, AuntyEm +, writes (11 April 2013):
 Find someone else...life is to short!!
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A
male
reader, CMMP +, writes (11 April 2013):
The question isn't "how can I find out?" its "What in the hell are you doing with this psycho b!tch?"
She's very insecure (among other things) which can frequently lead to cheating and dating site use as a way to get reaffirmation that you're desirable.
If you stay with her it'll continue indefinitely, along with all the other psycho drama. By staying you are condoning it. When you do that you lose the right to complain about it!
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A
female
reader, CindyCares  +, writes (11 April 2013):
 " Her jealousy occasionally turns violent ". Do you mean by this that she has on occasions hit you, or tried to , or attacked you more than just verbally ( not that being verbally abused is nice,of course ): then the good news is that you don't need a straight answer to anything, and you don't need to know the truth, you just need to dump this woman ,like today. No negotiations , no allowances made for physical abuse- ever-, enabling an abuser is becoming her accomplice, and she does not get special treatment just because she's a female , or she can't really hit that hard. It's the gesture per se that it is the kiss of death in any relationship, at least it should be for all sensible people.
The bad news, is that she sounds a terrible gf, but you are going to miss her anyway. You got used to being mistreated, and leaving behind what's familiar is always hard, even when it's shitty stuff and shitty persons.
Only in the short run. In the long run, at some point you will understand it was much for the best , and you did not need this aggravation in your life .
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A
female
reader, sugarplum786  +, writes (11 April 2013):
 This relationship has run its course, its when you are going to pack her bag and kick her out. Why do you want to continue to cause yourself heartache? THats all you are getting!
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A
female
reader, k_c100 +, writes (11 April 2013):
 The reason she turns it back around on you is because she is guilty, she knows she is in the wrong but is incapable of admitting it so instead she will emotionally abuse you to make it seem like you are in the wrong.
The fact that she is jealous and possesive is also because she is a cheat and a liar, she knows how badly she is treating you and is desperate for you not to be doing the same back to her, hence why she gets jealous and posessive. Often the most jealous people are the ones that cheat on their partners - they simply dont want the same thing done to them.
Why is she going on dating sites and cheating on you? Clearly this girl has ISSUES. If she is violent, emotionally abusive, jealous, posessive, unfaithful, lies to you etc then she is to be honest mentally unstable. I presume she has probably had some bad experiences with men in the past, she has problems with drink (you say she turns abusive when drunk so clearly she cannot handle her alcohol) and she may have had problems with her family before all that. These are deep-rooted psychological problems that are causing her to treat you like crap - and more fool you for staying with her.
Not wanting to be nasty here but staying with this fruit-loop is only encouraging her problems, she can see that you are a doormat for her to walk all over and you allow her to treat you as badly as she likes with no consequences. You are just a sounding board for all her issues, the proverbial punch bag that is just going to keep on getting hit time and time again.
What can you do? Leave her and never look back. She needs to be single in order to sort out her issues, she is not mentally stable, is violent and is a compulsive liar. She can only sort herself out by being single, if she carries on with you she knows she can get away with anything so she will just carry on because she knows you are weak.
I appreciate you have been with her a while, but thankfully you are not married and I hope there are no kids involved. Time to grow a pair, be a man and realise that you can do better than this. You are not a doormat, you are not here to serve her and your sole purpose in life is not to be abused by this woman.
There are plenty more women out there who are not nuts and wont abuse you - time you let go of the crazy lady and find a decent woman who treats you right.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (11 April 2013): Sounds like you are in a toxic relationship. And nothing worse then trying to reason with a drunk, and an aggressive one at that. Knock off the drinking in excess...its brings nothing but trouble if she cannot control how much she is consuming if everyone knows she behaves that way.If you are in a relationship that is exclusive, nobody has any business being on dating sites or communicating to other people for the reasons people do on those particular sites.I'd drop that girl like a bad habit. Trust your gut. This girl is a loose cannon and it's not likely you will ever be able to trust her. She is not respecting you or your relationship together and until the two of you can communicate like mature adults and work out issues, this is the kind of life you will have with her.
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A
female
reader, eyeswideopen +, writes (11 April 2013):
 And you are still with her because.....?
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (11 April 2013): I'm really sorry but this relationship has 'disaster' written all over it.. Her best line of defence is to attack.. If your portrayed as the baddie, then no matter what she does.. Yours was worse.. No matter if its not validated .. Your only chance at making this work is first of to tell her strongly, show her print outs of her being online dating sites etc. and tell her this is unacceptable .. 2ndly move out or have a break of at lest two weeks of non communication while you figure out if this is going to change.3rdly she needs to get some therapy with you if you intend to make the relationship work and she has to ' own' her own behaviour .. 4th go back to just dating.. I myself could not handle having girlfriends (friends) who are high maintenance as for me they become far to annoying .. But love sometimes shields you from that for a time.. Think carefully where you see this going., don't say your init for the long haul until her behaviour and attitude change. As you may be leading yourself to more heartache and misery .
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