A
male
age
41-50,
MBaachman
writes:All right, damn it. I've dealt with this stuff in the past and finally got over it. Took me a long, long, long time, but in the end, I did it. However, in my quest for answers, examining my inner thoughts and societal views, talking to both male and female friends about what I was experiencing, and reading similar postings online, I discovered a few important things. First, yes it’s wrong to hold your woman to a standard you yourself have not kept. But secondly (and the part that really helped me) is understanding WHY us men do it. When I finally understood why I felt this way, it was much easier for me to get over it, love my girlfriend for who she is, and leave her past behind.First off, I’d like to say that I did not “dig” into my girlfriend’s past sexual experiences. It took months of her mentioning name after name after name (and the fact that she acts like a veteran porn star in bed at the age of 22) to finally ask “what the hell have you been up to?”Good news is, I worked through this mess without succumbing to all the bullsh*t women try to feed men these days. You see, I got over this without having to remove my balls, ignore my ego, or reduce my masculinity. A lot of the women who respond to these types of answers try to belittle the men or make them feel guilty by calling them insecure, worried that someone else was bigger than he was, etc. You know, the kind of stuff you might hear from a woman who is a wee bit ashamed of her slutty past…keep that in mind.But before I get to the good stuff, let’s pause for a bit to remind the men of the world that it’s ok to be a man. It’s ok to be jealous. It’s ok to not be comfortable thinking about your girlfriend’s cooch being pounded like day old meat by a enough men to sail a small ship into battle or form a professional hockey team. Really, that’s ok and it’s a normal feeling for a man.If you read through most posts on the subject, two statements always show up: "that's what made her what she is today", and “past is the past and does not define her”. Now, only a woman would use these two excuses in the same argument. The one cancels out the other! Did it make her who she is, or does it not define her at all? YOU CAN’T HAVE BOTH.Let’s look at the statement "that's what made her what she is today". Now I’m not talking about lust, I’m talking about love. Men love our women for their personality, talent, success, etc. How in the hell did having 19 d*cks in her by the time she was 22 years old make her that person? Were they somehow smart d*cks that shaped her character or taught her a foreign language? I’m thinking not. I’m sure there’s a lot of merit to the idea that having and growing through relationships helped her mature, but the maturation process would have happened with or without the sex. So this statement is null.The second bullsh*t statement that always comes up is “the past is the past, and does not define her”. Women say this with a straight face, and us guys swallow it, knowing damn well that if you shot a man 10 years ago and got caught today, you would go to jail. We also use resumes detailing our past in order to obtain a raise, better jobs, etc. Why? Because our past is a pretty damn good indicator of who we were and who we’ll be. So yes, the past is relevant. Try going to an interview and telling your prospective employer that something on your resume is none of his business because it’s in the past. See how fast they show you the door! Now that I’ve handled that bit of business, I’ll get off my soap box and explain to women why most men hold these views. The bottom line (in my opinion) is this: In all of creation, the female species never, ever, ever has to compete to mate. It’s the male that has to compete. When a man competes and wins a chance to mate, he has bested the males around him. That’s why he gets a pat on the back. On the other hand, a female simply has to say “yes”. No game, no skill, no thought, no tactical maneuvers, no nothing. Just “yes”. Furthermore, the male “gives” (aggressive) and the woman “receives” (passive). For example. If I walked into a room bragging about getting 30 people to let me give them $100 everyone would laugh at me. Why? Because everyone wants $100. Now if I said that I convinced 30 people to give *me* $100 everyone would want to know my secret. When a woman repeatedly gives away something that every man on the planet wants, it becomes a commodity product, is immediately devalued, and it’s absolutely nothing to be proud of.Thus, the “double standard”. It doesn’t make it right, but it does make it reality, and that’s the thinking behind it for most men. So ladies, feel free to bitch about it all you want, but that’s just the way it is. Show a little good judgment, and your stock goes up. I’ll also remind you ladies that it’s other women who are the FIRST to call you sluts. That’s usually how us guys know to come looking for you!So how did I get over my girlfriend’s past? I’ll admit it was rough. I told her I lost respect for her during her bragging sessions, and I was going to end the relationship is she didn’t come clean with me. She listed guy after guy after guy after guy after guy, and I asked questions. Luckily for me, it turned out that she really had feelings for all of them (or thought she did) and she just had a long string of unsuccessful relationships. I then took a week and convinced myself that while she was certainly naïve, she was not a slut. Simple as that. It still creeps me out a bit, its still a little gross, but I know that in her mind, she was looking for someone in the long term. Slut, no. Fell for every cheesy lie a guy could come up with to get in her pants, yes. That, I can look past.So to the men out there battling this every day, quit listening to the people who make you feel bad for being a man. Talk to your woman about it, get the whole story (the first two or three versions will be lies – even though they say they have no regrets, they are filled with them). If you can determine that her ass was just not a party favor, forgive her. Then ask her to forgive you for prying into her past (which is technically none of our business). Promise to love her, and never EVER bring it up again.Lastly, if you cannot handle the story she tells you, cut her loose. I promise this feeling will never go away, and you will have to deal with it forever. Time does not heal this wound, and it will grow worse. If your girl comes up with one-night-stand stories, frat party gangbangs, etc., cut her lose. She’s a slut in *your* eyes…which is all that matters.Remember men, women have the right to sleep with anyone and everyone we want, and we do not have the right to judge them or make them feel guilty. However, as men, we have an equal right to decide not to partner with them long term. Don’t let anyone shame you for having standards and wanting a partner who meets them. It does not matter if you’ve slept with 100 girls and she’s slept with 10 guys. If you’re uncomfortable with that, let her go. She will do the same to you if she’s not comfortable with *your* past…only she won’t be berated for cutting you lose like you will be for cutting her lose. Talk about a double standard! You DO have the right to determine who you want to be with. Be a man, hunt for what you want. And finally, if you decide to get past it and move on, treat her like the princess she is. She was probably just looking for Mr. Right. Prove to her that you are that man! If she was just passing out ass for fun, you’re in luck! Take your turn with her and smile as you walk out the door.
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male
reader, mytwocents +, writes (21 April 2009):
 Finally--someone is speaking my language. I thought I was alone in the world saying it's okay to feel like a man about this issue. Bro, I re-opened my deleted account to post back to your message. Needless to say, I'm wrangling with my unique variation on this old theme and I came across a little like--mindedness when I needed it.
You've got both sides of the coin here, and I applaud you for that. On the one hand, you have that it's okay to have a masculine reaction to this. I'm tired of the standard, feminine reaction to this issue--delivered by BOTH women and men, but mostly females. "Get over it," "live in the present," "it’s just ego/insecurity," etc. Bullsh*t. The past, I'm sorry, IS the present. It colors it, it defines it. And, we as men have the right (and instinct) to use it as one of our standards. Why do women insist that have the same standards they have?
On the other hand, you made a point I only recently discovered after a lot of work: forgiving forgivable behavior. A display by the girl of some degree of modesty and selection certainly softens a gratuitous or even a less-than-ideal past. It also helps for us to correct for some degree of immaturity, some degree of adventurousness--some of that is almost unavoidable in any quality girl. It helps to take circumstances into consideration (age, upbringing, whether it was during an isolated period, other redeeming qualities in the girl). And, I'd hate to say it, but it seems like you have to allow a little more slack for an especially hot girl. They tend to get started earlier and always have a LONG line of suitors. But at the same time, a girl that, as you put it, was just a nasty, party-favor-ass, is going to have a hard time overcoming that in my book. It's probably impossible in any kind of long-term situation.
My current situation really made me explore this issue. In the past, it was (relatively) easy just passing on a long-term prospect if she had a past that I didn't like. In other words, certain pasts were deal-breakers. But my current girlfriend wasn't a clear-cut situation. Without boring you all with all the details in a lengthy response, I did what everyone on here does: think about it from every conceivable angle, often. I talked to her about it, and determined that this situation was on MY personal cusp. And, that's what it's about: our own *personal* standards. We can't let everyone else tell us what those SHOULD be. As a result of all of this, mine situation is a work in progress.
To close, what I'll say is that thinking about it in these terms is not only okay, but healthy. I'm not saying it's okay to be irresponsible, unforgiving a-hole men. But, at the same time, we can search for what we want instead of pretending that we don't feel like men can, and do, feel.
I'm glad you used this view to make a decision about your current girlfriend. Please feel free to message me.
A
female
reader, agneeman  +, writes (2 April 2009):
 Hillarious. Honest. I may not agree with everything you say, but I completely understand. If a woman wants a "man" how can she expect him to act like any thing less? I don't think you're sexist, just a realist.
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A
male
reader, MBaachman +, writes (2 April 2009):
MBaachman is verified as being by the original poster of the questionYeah...ok... I feel like a fool. A few stiff drinks, and she started talking. Turns out, she was just an easy lay in college.
Nasty. I'm just going to hit it for a while and send her on her way. Funny how some women think that they can be a bio dumpster for half of the student body, then find a guy like me to father thier children.
Well, off to find a good woman with a little self respect. Cheers!
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A
female
reader, ladydette  +, writes (28 March 2009):
 In my experience, I find it really hard to let go of my bf's past. I keep on thinking about it. I always wish he didn't have to tell me all the things he has done with different girls. But like what you said, past is past and we have the right to choose who we want to be with. I chose to be with this man and I think his past shouldn't stop me for having a great relationship with each him.Just because he has slept with different girls in the past doesn't mean he doesn't have the right to do that. Men and women has equal right on what they want to do so i think you're right about your decision to move on with your gf and forget about her past.The only comsideration I'd like to thank about is that he doesn't mind about my past too although it's not as bad as his . Looking forward to the future and live in the present is all that matters. Who cares about his past if I know I'm happy with him. Congrats! :)
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A
female
reader, baby_black +, writes (23 March 2009):
your girl is so lucky.. my man once said to me, making love is intimate, you enjoy it and you love it because you appreciate and love each other and should not be compared to you past..
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (15 March 2009): This is a great article. I remember reading one post about a guy who was ticked that his GF had a couple of one nights stands, before they met, and one woman actually wrote that GF might have been challenging her own comfort zone, and she should be commended for her bravery. Oh, right: "Yeah, my GF let a guy pound her for a one nighter - how brave that she challenged her comfort zone! I'm so proud! And the fact that other people know how brave she was, well, that just makes it tops!" Give me a break. This is a great website, in many ways, but there needs to be more Agony Uncles.
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A
male
reader, eddie  +, writes (15 March 2009):
 It is a very interesting article. You do sound a little bitter though, I hope not. I have to agree with one point in particular. I like the analogy you've made. It's the part about giving away the $100. It is true.
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