A
male
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:I have been married for 13 years and in a relationship 9 years before that. We have 4 daughters and everything has been going well in our marriage. However we’ve been together since high school and had a rough patch during 4 year span in college years. We had our oldest daughter in high school and I went off to college about 1.5 hours away to play football and baseball on a college scholarship. We still remain together but we frequently got into fights and didn’t always get along over those 4 years. I still came home during the week on some nights and off weekends when I wasn’t on the road for games. We did family things during the weekends, we went out when had a babysitter. I would say on average I came home to girlfriend house 2x per week and 2-3 weekends per month. We fought over me not being home enough, money to help support , me going out with the fellas on weekends to clubs (not every weekend as there were plenty of times we did things on the weekend ), not showing her attention or affection other than just sex. Playing sports in college their were some weekends I was on the road. My girlfriend had a place of her own during college. However 12 years ago I found out my wife had an affair before marriage with a high school friend of mine. The actual affair took place 8 years before I found out.The only thing i could think of my girlfriend cheating is with him during those times. As he was over gf house with a bunch of people at a couple of get togethers that consisted of male and female friends. I found out that he was there and I went off on her as i never trust him. He just had his 3rd kid and sold drugs and sleeps around with multiple women frequently. How my gf at the time confessed is that I had to pressure her as I seen the guy in town and something just hit me so I came home and I pressure her asking questions until I got an answer. She finally told me and started crying and asking for forgiveness. I was hurt and in pain. Now I also confessed that I had a one night stand during college which I regret and ask for forgiveness. My intentions going out with fellas was to have fun but not mess around. Reasons she told me I was lonely, we argue a lot, me not giving attention and affection, me not being around enough. She wanted to get rid of me but couldn’t at that time. She said I liked him and he was giving her all those things . She said she felt excited and like how everything was new. She said he didn’t catch my heart but caught my attention. I started pressing for details and length of affair. She said they had sex 2x within a week over 2 months of hanging out. She said after the 1st time she felt numb - meaning didn’t know what to think of it . She said sex was like 2 minutes long, on the floor , he was small, he goes like a jack hammer and i couldn’t keep up and didn’t like it. She ended it because of me and feeling guilty. With us being in small town I know some knew or known but me. My gf told me the month it occurred in. So I did some research and I asked a female friend who knew something and she told me a different month and she gave him oral, used no condom. This leads me to think the affair was longer than what I was told . As he was coming over different months as I have evidence. When i confronted her back then about this she denies it and said no oral and that’s the wrong time which is a lie. I know people is probably looking at us or me thinking thoughts about me or us, laughing. I know how guys think “I bang her back in the day as he wasn’t doing it right or she really wants me.” I could easily find out more but not sure if I want to open up a can of worms. It’s been 12 years ago and we are doing good but there are times I get into this funk and start thinking about it as it’s hard to get over. She seems happy and is over of what I did . I had a one night stand with someone she doesn’t know . She did with a person I know and we still live in same town.. So I have a lot of triggers that pops in mind just seeing his cousin house who lives down the street. Should I research to find out more ? Do you think it’s more ? Can a girl cheat and have sex with another guy if it wasn’t good ( she said she wanted to see if it would be better). I am desperate to know how many sexual encounters and the length of the affair ? Did it occur in the bed? Was my daughter around ? I feel she is leaving things out as I found out info already she didn’t tell me. You know you hear stories about affairs lasting 2-3 years. The average affair goes from one night stand to a year . I look at her differently some times as it hard to know this happen and she had feelings for someone else. I have been studying affairs and why etc. I think if I know everything then I can get over it easier but i rather hear if it’s more from her than someone else.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (29 June 2019): I think you are just looking for a way out of your marriage and you want all the blame to be on her so it makes you feel better about yourself.That is sad.Yes I really think she would be much better off without you so she can finally find someone who really loves her as you clearly never have.Shame on you for not being honest about yourself.You made her waste her youth.You need serious therapy.
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (29 June 2019): Home truths from Wise Owl and I'm with him on his reply to you. I had to wonder why now, what has changed for you to start digging, I sense it is something in yourself, maybe beginning to feel old and not so young. Leave it be, you are a hypocrite to even drag it up, it was years ago, no one cares, we ALL have skeletons in our closets.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (29 June 2019): There is a certain kind of a man who does things that would hurt his mate; but can't stand the thought of the same thing being done to him. He can't get things out of his head, and he dwells on the past! He dismisses his own mistakes through arrogance and unmitigated gall. He churns his jealousy until it becomes toxic; and he becomes a nightmare to live with.
Are you that kind of man?
You don't really love your wife in the traditional, endearing, and biblical-sense. You have a history, and you have children; so more or less, you're stuck with her. You may have married her, because you got her pregnant!
Fast-forward to the present! One could say...keeping her is more convenient and cheaper; than getting a divorce! Paying child-support, seeing your kids on weekends, and having to maintain a separate place to live of your own. She's like an old-habit you can't break; or an extra appendage too sensitive to cut-off. A piece of property you no longer value, as if she's tainted; but you won't give it up, because you can't stand the thought she might find a better owner. I am speaking figuratively here, not literally! I mean a better man, if we have to put that in literal-terms!
Love knows forgiveness, and if you really know what love is; you would avoid anything that would jeopardize it, or take it away from you! You'd find a way. Where there's a will, there's a way! I don't buy weak excuses like..."I can't help myself!" That only means you don't want to. Out of sheer stubbornness and pride! Your jealousy runs so deep, you'll do anything possible to keep that old-wound open and bleeding. You'll trash her and thrash her! You'll shove guilt down her throat; until she suffocates, and becomes lifeless. Question after question! If she can't make you feel better, you'll inject more poison! Just one more question!
Are you that kind of man?
You have a dysfunctional-marriage with smooth-spots here and there. When things seem to be going too well, you get toxic. You won't let that old issue die! You like pushing and twisting the knife, just because it bugs you??? There's a mean-streak that compels you to keep probing her about it. You demand so many details, in order to refresh her guilt.
What you don't like is that she has forgiven herself, and has grown-up! As she should!!!
How will it make you feel better forcing her to tell you how she cheated and every dirty-detail about it? That's indecent and unjustified! It's how interrogators mentally-exhaust and force confessions out of criminals! She was a young girl back then; and you're still suspended in time! Drudging up the mud in her past! Like you were violated somehow! You cheated on her too! If you were an athlete, I'm sure there are far more times than you will ever admit! Times you were probably too intoxicated to even remember! Maybe you don't drink; but your drunken-ego will easily allow you to forgive yourself, and shove all your own sins to the back of the closet!
It's too old to recall every tiny detail of it. You are embittered and full of venom; if you can't just let it go. I hope I'm wrong! You wrote because you want some sense to be shaken into you. So here it is!!!
If nothing else, I'm going to make you think! I am going to go deep into your heart, and see if I can find something good in there! We're talking about your wife, and the mother of your children, sir!
She was not your wife then. She was just a girl! She was lonely, vulnerable, and felt abandoned. While you went-away in your glory! I don't know about you, but I understand how she felt. I haven't felt it myself for years, but I can recall being left behind. I have selective-memory about it; because I forgave that person, and moved forward. Holding grudges is senseless!
She's not even here to defend herself! She is becoming a victim! Just in-case you don't realize that! I'm going to be blunt. I think you know better! Cultivating retroactive-jealousy is narcissistic; and it can become emotionally-devastating for the target-victim. It's psychological-torture on a person subjected to that vicious emotional-disease! It's effects can be slow and invasive; or it can be brutal and intense!
She is still with you. She has given you a full confession. If you're going to be a toxic and psychologically-abusive-husband; maybe you don't have the character to forgive and forget. If not, let her go!
Grinding someone under your heel for something they did years ago; and being a hypocrite on top of it!!! That is totally unfair and inexcusable. It isn't fair to her, yourself, or your family. Nobody can talk you out of being jealous or cruel. That entirely depends on the kind of man you are. What you're made-of on the inside.
She was young. She became a mother too young in her life. You got to follow your dreams; while you made her a young mother, and probably stifled all her dreams and changed her future. Now you won't let it go? Not that you can't, you won't!
What can anyone say that will make you realize how wrong you are? A prideful-hypocrite is dangerous and unmerciful.
I don't have trouble expressing myself, and I don't know you; so I can't really judge you. I do have experience, compassion, and I do know what is fair; I also know what good character is. I will appeal to your more compassionate and humane side!
Stop digging, or see a therapist.
You're not feeling any better for asking, you're feeding your resentment, stoking your anger, and becoming more and more toxic. If you don't know how to forgive, then talk to a religious-cleric, priest, pastor, rabbi, imam, pastor, or someone of faith. When jealousy goes so deep you border on evil; it takes more than a shrink to exorcise that kind of demon! Yes, I chose the word "evil!"
How do you think it makes her feel now being a mother, your wife, and you won't forgive her? How do you think she feels recalling those days when she was left behind? While you stood soaking up the cheers from the stands and being glorified? She was alone, and she knew all the hot girls were gawking and swooning over you; as a popular jock and successful college-athlete! Think man, think!
"Don't it always seem to go, that you don't know what you've got 'til it's gone!"
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (28 June 2019): You’re a grown a$$ man, married for 13 years w/ 4 children and you sound like you pin middle school. There is nothing to be gained from obsessing about something that happened before you were even engaged. If you cannot let it go on your own find a therapist who can help you. If you continue harping on this it’s going to wreck your marriage.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (28 June 2019): The devil is in the detail.The thing is you will never REALLY know what really happened. And I think that this is what is eating away at you. Not just the affair itself.She could have been with this guy for longer than she has told you, they could have had sex multiple times and it could have been great. She could just be telling you what you want to hear. And THIS is what you are finding hard to accept. Especially as he is still in the picture. A friend who lives nearby.Do you know what? I would be like you. I would be wondering what really went on. It would colour the picture for me, if a partner of mine told me he had sex twice during an affair and that it was bad and I found out that it was more than that.I think that sounds a little too sanitised for belief. BUT it MIGHT be true. The problem is you will never really know.The question is ..can you live with this? This uncertainty, thinking that they may have been really close and enjoyed the sex. Then, maybe the affair wouldn't seem so harmless. The only thing I can think of to do and something I think I would do in your shoes, would be to sit your wife down and tell her how you feel. That you think you could get over it better IF you felt that what she was telling you was the truth. So would she please tell you truthfully how long the affair lasted and what she felt like. One more time. If she tells you the same (and obviously it may be that she's telling you the truth), you have to decide if you can forget it. Go to counselling together to get past it. IF she tells you that it was more than she has led you to believe, then the same applies. Can you get past it easier knowing the whole truth? Again I think I would be like you. It's not just the affair, but possibly being lied to still. And other people knowing more than you do. It's not water tight asking others for information, they may well lie, having been put in a difficult position, they may have ulterior motives for lying to you, or they may simply have faulty memories about how things were back then. We're talking a long time ago. A good, in depth conversation with your wife, telling her EXACTLY how you're feeling plus couples counselling. Being told to just get over it is all well and good, but if you can't.....you can't. I know that if I felt I was being lied to, that I wouldn't be able to engage fully and happily in a relationship with that person. But that's me. It is probably better and wiser to TRY and concentrate on the good and happy years you've had. Good luck
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (28 June 2019): 12 years ago? Man let it go. You have a good marraige but you're going to ruin it over a youthful indescretion in a time of high stress when you were being a crappy partner and father and you also had a one night stand? Jesus man you're lucky she's still with you! If you keep going down this road you are going to regret it. You seem overly concerned aobut what someone else is thinking about this decade old 'affair' and 1. that is really immature for your age and 2. I can guarantee you, no one else cares. you're the only one thinking about it.
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A
female
reader, mystiquek +, writes (28 June 2019):
 OP what are you hoping to gain by going down this road? You do realize that no good will come out of you rehashing the past dont you? I don't mean this in a mean way but do you really have nothing better to do with your time than obsess over something that happened years ago? Do you really think details are going to help because they won't. The more you know the more you will want to know. Why open up an old wound? WHY???
I agree that you should seek counselling to figure out why you want to go down this road. If your wife has been a good wife, a good mother and you've been happy, isn't that enough? If you keep up this train of thought it could destroy your marriage. Is that what you want?
People change and we all make mistakes. You aren't innocent yourself. Do you want your wife to open up that can of worms? Think very carefully about what can come out of all this OP. I wouldn't be trusting that so called "friend" either. Who knows what her ulterior motives could be.
We can only guide you OP and you will of course make your own decisions but I'm advising you to let sleeping dogs lie.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (28 June 2019): I think you both did things you are not proud of. You both either let it go or separate. Knowing the details won't help you. It won't help you decide what to do, because people change their minds all the time. Some people fall in love but never act on it and their partners find it unacceptable. Some people do not care if their partners are in love with someone else as long as they never have sex with them. And some will accept everything as long as they do not have to know about it. And yet, no matter how firmly they believe what the believe, it's only temporary. People change their minds and the details they learned stay forever in their heads.The important things is on what you decide to do from now own. Now you are a real couple, before, when you were living apart, you were not. You didn't share her day and she was the only one raising a child. You were not a father to your child nor a husband to your wife. She did not share your experiences while you were in college. In a way you got to live your life while she was stuck. Some people learn early what the boundaries are. You and your wife have grown up together and learned things together on your way. A big part of what bugs you is your ego. Some people knew about your wife's affair. Ego can be a healthy tool as long as you do not let him to take over. I don't know who you are, but some men, who haven't been with many women (or men), are more prone to feeling insecure and feeling possessive towards their partners. So what if he was a better lover than you, you can always improve your love-making skills. You can always learn to be more caring and gentle. What you cannot learn is to love someone you do not love.
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A
female
reader, Ivyblue  +, writes (28 June 2019):
 Do you still love your wife? If the answers yes- leave this bone alone. It was 12 years ago and you know about it. You did the same thing one night stand or not. You say it was a one night stand and expect her believe you so why cant you do the same of her. As for her friend telling you something different- some friend and I d seriously be questioning her motive behind telling you stuff she really doesnt know as fact- was she in the room with them at the time. I smell trouble maker. I really do think you are playing with fire attempting to rip this bandaid off again. My advice would be to seek counselling for yourself, don't involve her in that process.
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A
female
reader, Youcannotbeserious  +, writes (28 June 2019):
 You have been happily married for 13 years. You have 4 daughters. You need to LET GO of this OBSESSION about one episode years and years ago and stop letting it tarnish your whole marriage. How much longer are you going to hold onto it?
Your wife may have had a brief affair, but she CHOSE to dump the guy because she wanted to be with YOU. She was a young single mother to all effects at the time as you were away most of the time and the two of you were arguing frequently. She was feeling lonely and unloved. This guy came along when she was at a low point and she briefly fell for his patter.
Each time something triggers memories of the affair, have you tried instantly replacing those thoughts with GOOD memories? After all, you must have a whole stack of those to draw on, given 4 beautiful daughters and 13 years of marriage. Far more than the thoughts which are tormenting you.
Your wife is not the same person now as she was then, just as (hopefully) YOU are not the same you were back then. I know you make a point of counting how many times you came home to her, but what about all the times you were NOT there? There were a LOT more days you were not there. I do understand that, most of those days, you simply could not be there but you also need to understand, from your wife's perspective, that bringing up a child single handed is a very tough job, especially for one so young. You were busy having your college life, playing sports and going out with your mates, while she was stuck at home rearing the child you both created. Put yourself in HER shoes and understand why the affair happened.
Your wife has dedicated her life to you and your children while all you can think about is a brief affair that happened a lifetime ago. Wanting more details is just an obsession. It will NOT help you. It will just FUEL your obsession IF you find out anything else because you will then have even more questions. She has already told you they had jack hammer sex. Take it from another female that this is NOT good sex. Been there, experienced it, NEVER want to experience it again.
I would suggest focusing on what you have now and reminding yourself how lucky you are to have this lovely woman. Work on making your marriage as happy and strong as possible so your wife never again feels as lonely and unloved as she did all those years ago.
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