A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:My husband lost his business a year and a half ago. I knew he was upset by it, naturally and understandably, but he handled it with grace. Every time I checked in with him he acted as if he was ok and accepting of the situation. Eventually we both forgot about the topic and moved on with our lives. The past year we hit some bumps in the road of our relationship. I thought I was the only one hurting and when I told him this, he said he loved me deeply and he's shocked I could think that and that of course he was hurting too. I was actually very surprised. I told him that he never displays any emotion or tell me how he feels, so I just assumed he doesn't care about anything or us anymore. When I try to communicate with him about us, he just says "ok ok" or otherwise clams up. It wasn't until very recently that he told me it took him almost a year to feel better about losing his business, and actually even now it still hurts him. I was understanding but sad that he never told me all of this. He told me he was hurting because I was not supportive enough, but then he realized he never shared anything with me and it was unfair to expect me to read his mind. I told him that if he had just told me how he felt, even without other details, I would have been there for him. I also had dinner with some old friends of ours recently, who are a married couple. The husband told me that my husband said to him, that he felt like a failure because of his business and it's all hitting him now. This occurred just a few months ago. My friend asked my husband if it's like a delayed onset reaction, and my husband said yet. My husband never told me this and I wish he did. My friend also said it was the first time he saw my husband be vulnerable and it was very unlike him. Recently, my husband has been voluntarily sharing more things about his work with me. I've been showing interest and asking open ended questions. However, when it comes to our relationship or how he feels, he does not share anything at all, even when gently asked. We agreed to work on our communication, but he just clams up or says "ok ok" to everything. It's not even a constant topic. I have been as tactful, mindful, and understanding as possible while still being straightforward, even allowing the topics to come up naturally instead of suddenly. The lack of communication is causing mistrust and a road block. He finally admitted that he doesn't know how to communicate and it's always been a problem, but he doesn't know what to do about it. He says there's so much he wants to tell me but it won't come out. I said that I respect him if he's not ready to share certain things yet or stuff in detail, but it's important to at least indicate to one another what's going on or how we feel. For example, "I am very stressed about _____ and I'm not ready to talk about it yet, but would like some alone time this evening." But even this is extremely difficult for him. He has said that he's struggling with himself but he's not ready to share with me what it is yet. I understand but at the same time feel like he's been keeping me in the dark for too long.Any advice on how to navigate this? How can I better connect with my husband, encourage him to share more with me, and make him feel safe about it? Reply to this Question
Share |
Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
female
reader, Haviette +, writes (10 September 2019):
Your husband is likely still trying to find not only a new job, but a job worthy of his loving ambition towards your happiness. Your concern about his feelings is duly noted, and he appreciates this, and he loves you for it, but offering too much verbal support, with expecting him to respond, can feel a little overwhelming at this time. If you quietly support him by showing an optimistic attitude, and blessing him with little surprises from time to time, he'll relax, and not feel pressured. He'll confidently put his best foot forward, and obtain success faster, knowing that you trust him. If he needs to express himself, he'll come to you.
A
reader, anonymous, writes (28 June 2019): People usually don't seek family or marriage-counseling; until they're on the brink of divorce, or in serious crisis. Now is the best time for both of you to seek it. He will randomly share with you, but sometimes you may be more reactionary or emotional than you may realize.
Pride and ego cripples some men to the point their health starts to decline. You can't force people to open-up. Professionals earning hundreds of dollars an hour spend years with patients who just won't budge!
Sometimes people open-up and share with those they feel won't judge them, or change their perception of them. They don't want pity or looks of disappointment; so they may share some things with their mate, and other things with their closest of friends. They may only turn to the family-members they trust. Take it when you can get it. He doesn't have to bare his soul to any one individual. He does it when he feels up to it.
You've already let your husband know he should feel at-ease to discuss his feelings. It takes time to bring himself to do that; and it's up to him what he wants to share with you, and when.
Sometimes even you just don't care to spill your feelings all over your mate, and burden them with your troubles. Men often feel our family and partners depend on our strength; and any sign of weakness will cause discord or loss of confidence. It's usually a false notion; but pride will convince you to suppress your feelings, and put on a strong face.
You'll dole out clues and hints here and there. It may be weeks, months, or years in the coming. Personally, I'm intuitive and I can sense changes and oddness in my mates behavior. I even know when my mate is hiding something. I'm careful not to prod or pry. I gently nudge it out, by sharing my own feelings. Sometimes I have to confront my partner, and ask straight-up if things are really okay; because I know him well enough to tell. I will back-off...I've given the opening, without pressure.
If your husband has tremendous difficulty communicating and expressing his feelings about difficulties in his life; then you should consider getting marital-counseling. It might benefit to have someone professional there to be an intermediary and help you both with communication. It starts with trust; but pride will overrule trust.
...............................
|
