A
male
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:Hi, Sorry for the essay but it must be said.K i have really strong feelings for this girl at work, id say she's pretty much the most the amazing girl ive ever met, id probably say that even if i didnt love her. Anyways we see each other about 2-3 days a week and sometimes we hang out and go out together along with other people at work. Ive worked with her for about a year and had these feelings for most of that period. The situation right now is we're good friends. we make each other laugh, shes told me that im such a great guy i could have any girl i want, that im really funny etc. We've even been alone in a spa bath in our underwear (nothing Happened). Also lately I think she's been blowing me off but i could be paranoid (maybe she sensed that she might be leading me on or getting too close)OK so heres the problem:Im a 19 year old guy (too young to be in love i know) she's a 25 year old girl who's been in a 4year relationship with someone else (ive never met him). SHe even told me if he asked her to marry him she would say yes. I dont want to feel this way about her cuz i cant have her (im too young, shes taken, we work together etc.) I dont even want to be with her in my head cuz i know it will never work and it we are in different stages of our lives. Plus im too young to be in love.Now i know most of you will say distance will help and i should get another job, but i love my work situation, I love the people there, ive made some of my best friends there, and there is no way im going to give that up. plus i dont want to ruin my friendship with her.What the hell do I do?The options i see are:1. change who i am, physically and personality-wise (or just tonedown a bit, im the guy who trys to be funny 24/7 which i think i do well but nobodys impressed with a clown. although i am successful at it) and attempt to repress this feeling until its gone.2. Try getting a gf or sleep with heaps of girls, until i realise that loz (thats her name) isnt so great.3. Tell her the truth, maybe once its out there ill get over it, (this will endanger the friendship though cuz she wont want to hang outside work anymore). This will also make me appear pathetic, and i wouldnt want this spreading around work either.Which one should i do??? Im leaning towards option 1 and then moving on to 2 after (because i feel i need a personal makeover and 1 will help me with 2).Or any other suggestions???again sorry for the essay but this situation needs to be explained completely.
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female
reader, k_c100  +, writes (12 May 2009):
 This is a tough one, and I dont really think you should go with any of those options! Changing yourself physically and as a person is a terrible idea; no girl should make you change whether you are with them or not! You are who you are, and you sound like a great guy therefore changing yourself will only make things worse.
As for sleeping with loads of girls, I think this will have the opposite effect. You will end up feeling like Loz is even more amazing because all these girls are cheap, nasty and dont come close to this amazing girl you love. So that rules that one out unless you are wanting to make yourself feel worse than you already do!
Third one, also a terrible idea. Telling her will only make things uncomfortable between the two of you and while you will feel relieved to not keep your feelings locked up anymore, you will also create too many problems in your workplace.
You sound like you have a great job, and great friends...all that is lacking is a great girl who loves you just as much as you love her. I dont think you are too young to be in love - anyone under the age of 16/17 is too young but once you hit that age then love is normal and people that age normally experience their "first love" around that time. So stop telling yourself you are too young - you cant deny your feelings therefore the first thing you need to do is just accept them!
However I'm not convinced you are in love with this girl - love can only come when you are truly intimate with someone, when they know everything about you and vice versa. You have only admired this girl from afar - you have never had a relationship with her therefore it cannot be love, it is just a massive crush! Once you have a real relationship where it is your proper "first love" you will come to realise that this girl is just a crush and you will look back feeling rather silly that you went through all this!
So what you need to do is stop telling yourself you love this girl and realise that while you do have strong feelings for her, they do not mean you love her and they will go away sometime soon. One thing I think may help you to get over her quicker is to see her and her boyfriend together. Whilst you know deep down that you cannot have her, some part of you will still be clinging on to the hope that while he isnt there, she might just fall for you and you will live happily ever after. So seeing them together may help you to finally accept she is with someone else - does she ever bring him out when you go out with work friends? Now dont end up stalking her here - just maybe find out if she is bringing him along to anything and make an effort to go.
You also need to distance yourself from her - not by changing job or anything but by spending less time with her. Make sure you stop hanging out with her alone, the only times you should be seeing her outside of work are when you are with other friends and it cant be avoided! I know you want to remain friends with her but while you still feel this way, distance is what you need! Try not to text/call/email her either, just cool off the friendship and treat her purely as a work colleague for a while.
I think after you spend some time away from her things will start to get easier, and then maybe try going out and meeting new girls but not sleeping with them! Sleeping around is never the answer, but meeting someone new and getting yourself a girlfriend might not be a bad idea. Just enjoy being young and single for now, and hope that you meet someone soon that you think is pretty special. Once you do meet someone that is pretty cool you will realise Loz is not all as amazing as you thought and this new girl will be just as amazing, if not more.
I had a bit of an unrequited love situation at work once when I was 17, it was really horrible and I remember thinking at the time he was the only one for me and I would never love anyone else! In reality I just had a major crush on him, he left to go to uni and I was fine within days! Distance is the best way to get over someone so you have it harder here, but give it time and you will start to feel like you are moving on.
I hope this helps and good luck!
A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (12 May 2009): Seriously bro, chill. Your biggest obstacle is her other relationship. If she is happy, you should not come between that. Other than that, stop thinking so much. Also, stop trying to impress her and others. Jokes are very cool, just don't over do it. It's one thing to be confident and another to appear desperate to fit in or be cool. Careful not to cross the line. My suggestion, blow her off for now. If you feel her distancing herself from you, man up. Don't be like woe is me, why, what should I do? Instead be like, whatever. Don't ever let them see you sweat. Act like you don't even care,like you are unphased and don't even notice her any more. She's not stupid, she's a grown woman who knows you ma have a crush on her. Make her wonder "maybe he doesn't, he does not even talk to me much or look at me anymore". I'm telling you, the ladies like to be pursued as much as we like to pursue them. Take your time player. Convince yourself in your mind that you don't need her. Go on another date. Don't sleep with tons of girls cause that doesn't ever help in my oppinion, thats damage to your own soul and spirit. But deffintily turn the table on her. If she cares she will eventually ask you why things have changed between you two. You just remain cool and unphased and tell her that she's a neat and beautiful person, but that you already have a lot of friends and that you honestly find her very attractive but since she is in love and in another relationship it didn't make sense to you to continue down the path your relationship with her was taking for you, because you didn't want to develope selfish feelings that would be innappropriate to act on. She will either say o.k. and leave you alone. Then you know you made your move and have been rejected and really need to leave it alone already. Or she will be shocked at how easily you can just shut it down with her without being phased but will also realize that you find her attractive and could be interested if the situation was different. Remember, they love to be pursued and she will think your answer was honest, confident and nobel and may start to have a crush on you. When you over pursue a woman, they feel like they own you. When they want you to pursue them they will flirt with you cause they don't like being ignored. Play on player.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (12 May 2009): Hi, firstly no you're not too young to be in love at 19. I really get how you're feeling coz I'm really into someone who doesn't want me back. I don't love him like you do this girl but he gave me false hope by coming on to me and saying how lovely I was, how gorgeous etc. Changing who you are to get over this girl is not an option-it won't achieve anything. I know it's going to be really difficult seeing as you work together but you just need to keep your distance as much as you can. I completely understand that's easier said that done as I'm finding it so, so hard but if you don't you're never going to get over her. Take each day as it comes, the way I'm doing, and I promise you things will slowly get easier. It might take a long time but it'll happen if you stick with it. I know this is probably advice you don't really want to hear at the moment coz I didn't either but just bear it in mind. Good luck.
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A
male
reader, Griim  +, writes (12 May 2009):
 Hi,
I am a 19 year old mate too and have been through a situation very similar to yours in the past. I will do my best to help!
Let's look over your options. There is nothing wrong in wanting to change your appearance physically, it can help give you more confidence and keep you in good health however I don't see why you feel you need to change your personality. Not only is it a very difficult aspect to alter it is simply unnecessary. After all, Loz said you could get any girl you want! She obviously likes your personality and probably your looks too. This first option tells me that you seem to think that you are somehow inadequate and that by changing who you are you can convince Loz to like you. Understand that just because somebody does not have romantic feelings for you does not mean they dislike your appearance or your personality. Ditch this option.
The second option is your worst pick. I can't tell you from first hand experience but my friends have reliably informed me that sleeping with random girls is not really all that fantastic. I don't need experience to tell you that it will not crush any feelings you have for this girl. Indeed, trying to crush or ignore your feelings in any way whatsoever is a bad road to go down. Don't do it.
The third option is looking more hopeful. If you tell her how you feel then there is a small chance she may reciprocate, although I don't want to get your hopes up. You need to realise that if she said she would marry her current boyfriend then your chances are slim to none. There is an upside to this though, by getting your feelings out there you will probably feel slightly better about it by getting some closure. After all, it takes a straight up "no" to convince an unrequited lover that he is chasing someone in vain. This is definitely the option I would opt for.
I opted for an e-mail as it is quick, easy, doesn't sound too heartfelt but at the same time you don't have to go through the embarrassment of talking to them face to face. If you are not confident about talking to her about this in person then this is probably a good way of going about telling her.
You say you feel embarrassed about telling her. This I can relate to as I have particular trouble in expressing my feelings but remember that you have no reason to feel stupid. You can't help who you like and you shouldn't feel embarrassed about having feelings for someone. Besides, she won't think of you as being silly or immature, if anything she will probably be flattered that somebody likes her so much! I know I would be if a girl ever said this to me!
The aftermath won't be so bad. Nobody at work needs to know as you can ask her not to tell anyone. If she abides then you are fine, if she does tell people then you know she isn't that respectful of your wishes in the first place and isn't worth your time. You don't need to find a new job or end your friendship. It may be awkward for a time but if you like this girl enough as a friend then it may be worth keeping in touch.
I hope my answer helps in some way! As it goes I actually had a lot more I could write having researched endlessly on the topic but I will leave it there for now!
Best of luck mate!
again sorry for the essay but the situation needs to be explained completely. ;)
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (12 May 2009): Heya
Thats a really tough situation that you are in there and i can empathise with the way you feel. Firstly she does seem like a great girl.
The age gap is a big problem, (not insermountable as my girlfriend is 7 years my senior) but the fact she has a man who she obviously has thought of marrying and has in no uncertain terms said she will marry him means that she is well and truely off the market and you are unfortunitly stuck in the friend zone which is the worst place to be as its very difficult being friends with someone you love when youre love is unrequited.
As for the action you should take; it is not worth going out and hooking up with loads of different women, as you will get a reputation and it doesnt sound like the kind of guy that you are. I would reccomend throwing yourself into sports or a hobby of some sort that you can get involved in and meet other people who you will have something to talk about and from there hopefully the flame you hold for this girl will start to diminish and eventually you will find yourself moving on. It will be tough however and take time, but please do not shut yourself away from other people as i have a friend that went through the exact same situation or well pretty much and i can tell you that being alone and brooding on it does not work.
I hope you find this advice helpfull and please dont change who you are personality wise, you can always change your image slightly, a new wardrobe, join a gym, feel good about yourself and who you are and women will fall at your feet.
Take care mate and good luck.
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