A
female
age
51-59,
anonymous
writes:has anyone else had a problem getting over a divorce. it has been almost one year since our split, and 3 months since the divorce. how do you just stop loving someone after 19 years of marriage? everyday i get better, but i dont stop thinking about him. i know he moved on with his new young girl and he is starting a family with her, but i wonder does he still think about me sometimes, or has his heart and mind been filled with her. or perhaps he didnt love me, i was just a convienace for him. we had a lot of years with each other and a lot of good memories. does it stop for the people who leave for another? or do i cross his mind sometimes? i cant get over feeling old, ugly, used, stupid, blind. how could i not have seen it coming type thing. being cheated on and being left for someone younger has taken its toll on me. i feel broken, and dont know how to fix myself. i know i need therapy, but cant afford it, there has been times when i felt like i just could not get out of bed, that i was over this life. why do good people get hurt, how do you get up and leave a good person? what are the reasonings behind all of it? i gave him everything i loved him unconditionally, i became who he wanted me to be, did everything he wanted me to do. i lost me, and i cant find who i was before him. i know i should hate him for what he has done, he has made me feel less of a person, not even good enough for the animals. i try thinking of all the bad things, he said and did, but i forgive him, thats just who i am. i have been told that i deserve better than this creep. and let her have him she deserves him. its his loss. that just makes me feel worse. why was she better than me, why does she deserve him. and lets face it, what did he lose and does he really think he lost? ummmm NO. i have become a zombie in this life, i work come home go to bed and get up and do the same thing over again. im tired, im 46 and im too old to start over again. and it just pisses me off that he has moved on without a care in the world. he is selfish, bringing a baby into the world at his age, and having it with a child. ive been asked do you really think he cares about this girl? and the answer given to me is no. cause if he cared he would not have gotten with this young girl to ruin her life to begin with. he would not have gotten her pregnant. but being who he is he wanted a baby, and he wanted to be with her the HE is emphasized. its all about him. please dont be harsh on me here, you guys have helped me out tremedously with your advice. i read similar problems on here all the time, trying to find some sort of hope. i know i will be ok. that saying time heals all wounds. well i dont think that it heals, it just scars the wounds. you dont ever get over it, it just gets covered up. thank you all for reading, and may God bless each one of you. you are truely a blessing
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (16 January 2013): What a jerk and loser he is. I'm so sorry for the pain he is causing you. but yes, what goes around comes around, he will get his payback some day. and don't worry he is not suffering in any way! there's nothing to feel sorry for him for!
why can't he wire you the money through walmart again? you don't have to see him if you dont' want to, in fact it's better that you don't. Maybe ask a friend or family member to meet him and receive the money from him then pass it to you?
you will feel better someday, I promise. It may take awhile but it will happen. Maybe this hurts more than your first divorce because this guy is a better manipulator and liar.
A
reader, anonymous, writes (15 January 2013): Wow, I have tears in my eyes right now from reading your post. I know how it feels to be left for someone else. It does really hurt. Time really does heal though. Everyday will get a little bit better for you. Know your worth! You are the real winner here. You did you best in the relationship and are true to yourself and others. Now it's time to concentrate on *you* It's time to make yourself happy :) surrounding yourself with friends/family people that you love and make you smile. You have to rise above all of this. You have 1 life to live and don't let his loser a** get the best of you. Hey, karma is a bitc* and I truly believe what comes around goes around and he will get *** his *** So much luck to you! xo
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (15 January 2013): thanks for all of the advice. and female anon i do believe that just might be him. see the hard part about getting over him, is that i still have to see him for alimony, at least for the next five years. i just talked to him today, cause he said he couldnt pay me because he lost his job, but has started a new one and will be able to pay me in a week or two. i havent seen him in over a month because he had moved away, now he is back in town and wants to bring me the alimony. ive asked him to mail it but he says he is afraid it would get lost in the mail. he was wiring it to me through walmart when he moved, which was better for me, because the healing process would be better. now he is back with all his excusses and im not sure if i can take it. im about to have a nervous break down. he told me he had been sick and i told him i had too, but without health insurance i could not go to the doctor. he says well when i get caught up maybe i can help you. i told him no thanks just pay me what you are obligated to pay. i dont want a hand out. im tired of his bs, im tired of worring about getting my alimony. im tired of trusting that he is telling me the truth, and not just pocketing the money or using it till he gets a better paycheck. im just plain tired.... how do i get to that place where you just tell them to f**k off. i dont want him to suffer, or be mean to him, but i just cant do this anymore. i still love him with all my heart. and if you knew and heard all the things that happened during our break up all of you would probably smack me in the head and ask me what and why i felt this way about this man. this is not my first divorce, it is my second and i had no problem getting over the first one. i just cant figure out why this one is hurting me to the core. the first one was 8 years, he cheated and did drugs, and i kicked his sorry butt out without looking back and he was the father to my two girls. so what is the problem here.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (14 January 2013): A chilling coincidence maybe, but a few weeks ago a male poster in your age range posted his story here too. He sounds just like your ex husband (cheated on his long term marriage with a young girl, eventually got caught, then left the wife for her, and is very happy that the girl is pregnant because he apparently really wanted a baby so all is good in his world now). The time frames even seem chillingly similar.http://www.dearcupid.org/question/she-posts-everything-we-do-on-facebook.htmlAs you can see, most of the Aunts here do not predict a happy stable future for that couple based on the character of the people involved (the husband and mistress) as revealed by their immoral actions. I think your ex husband is in for some future disappointment as new relationships that start from affairs often eventually get destroyed by mistrust since each party knows the other is very capable of wandering, lying and betraying.Do you both have kids together who are not out of the house? If so make sure he pays every penny of child support due. I'm sorry you're going through this. You will get through this and you will come out stronger for it. You didn't do anything wrong, don't for a second blame yourself. Do spouses grow apart and marriages end? Sure. But there is an HONORABLE and far less hurtful way to do it which is by being honest with one's spouse that they are unhappy and want to end the marriage, without the marriage ending due to adultery and betrayal and lies and all the hurt and devastation it causes. He took the coward's way, which was to lie to your face and pretend, while secretly betraying you and setting something up so he wouldn't have to be alone for even a minute.Be glad that you are FREE of this cowardly selfish jerk. You are still young, you will find someone new and when that happens you will be glad that you are no longer tied to this jerk. I doubt that even if she had turned him down and thus he would still be married to you now, that the marriage would be so happy. If he loved you he wouldn't have done this. So by definition he didn't love you, if she refused to get with an older guy and he was 'forced' to stay married to you, his lack of love would still show. You would still be toiling more years away trying to be everything he wanted you to be. That's not a healthy relationship either even though he might still be married to you. Truly happy marriages dont' just suddenly have adultery in them. Probably your marriage was always unhappy to some degree because you were giving your all and he wasn't. You can't have a happy marriage if the person you're married to has serious emotional issues within himself and needing validation from outside the marriage. You will be OK, don't worry. It will feel difficult but that is normal, and you will pull through. some things that can help is to start a journal to record and vent your feelings, that can be cathartic. Also, make sure to take care of your physical health, even if you have to force yourself to do so, get out and exercise and eat healthy even if you don't enjoy it, it will do you good. Take time to rediscover who you really are. You have sacrificed so much for so long, for this cowardly jerk. It's time to get back in touch and rediscover who you really are - what are your true thoughts, opinions, interests, passions..? this will be a long journey, but you will come out stronger for it.
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A
female
reader, AuntyEm  +, writes (14 January 2013):
 MistiqueK said it all and in such a beautiful way.
You are in grief and depression because your heart still longs for the past but it is like clinging to the Titanic...ships gone down!! and you can either let it drag you down and drown you or save yourself and swim for the shore...right now your drowning and unable to fight for yourself because your mind is filled with all manner or torturing thoughts...
But let me tell you there is life after divorce and you are young enough to find happiness again even if it means remaining single (I am testament to that after divorce from a 19 year marriage and I love my life completely)
I echo what dear Mystique said, you need to vent the anger you are feeling about your situation and get it out because right ow you are internalising it and punishing yourself with negative thoughts and putting yourself down...it's ok for a while but eventually it's going to become a habit that will torment you and spoil each new day you have...DON'T let that happen. Scream shout call your ex all the 'old bastards' you want...to the wall and throw the shame and guilt back on him...and then let it go, because anything you do now must be for the love of YOU and not lamenting what has happened.
A year isn't a lng time but you have gone down about as far as your gonna go...now it's time to get life by the balls and start pulling yourself up!!!
YOU CAN DO IT...and even doing a few small things for YOU will give you a massive boost.
What's done is done, BUT the rest of your life is yours my darling and I am telling you, a girl can have a whole lot of fun when she's released from the cage!!
Whilst your ex is changing shitty diapers and trying to keep up with a toddler (in his 50's)and the demands of a young woman, you could be dating, working out, spoiling yourself, travelling, trying fantastic new hobbies, taking girly spa weekends, having dinner parties...flirting...yes flirting is bloody good fun, even if it's a fleeting moment!!...learn something new, try a new language, restyle your home and start an EBAY business...write a self help book....the sky is the limit.
You have had a 'man'ectomy...not a LIFEectomy and it's all yours baby, so wipe those tears and go get yourself a big slice of the action...cos you are free as a bird and it's all out there waiting for you xxxxxxxx
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A
female
reader, eyeswideopen +, writes (14 January 2013):
 I can actually feel your pain pulsating through your words. I think this is one of the most heart rendering posts I've read on this site in a very long time. All I can do is to offer my very best wishes that time works its miracle quickly for you. You know you will get past this sooner or later and I very much hope it is sooner. And by the way, 40's are the new 30's so by today's standards you are a young chick. The best is yet to come. I mean it.
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A
female
reader, mystiquek +, writes (14 January 2013):
 First of all, here's a big *HUG*. I know that you feel really alone right now, but trust me, you aren't. So many people go through what you are feeling right now.
I've been there and I've come out the other side a little bruised, a little battered, but still in one piece. Let's face it...divorce sucks. It hurts...oh God how it can hurt. It is the death of a relationship. Anyone with any feelings is going to hurt. What you're going through is very normal. It takes time to get over everything and be able to start feeling like you might make it..but you WILL make it. I promise. I know you're scared and feel like your life is over. And in truth, a part of your life has ended. That doesn't mean its the end of the world though!
You have to keep on going. Its not going to be easy, but you can do it. Take baby steps. Little tiny baby steps. CARE ABOUT YOURSELF. Start putting you first. Ok, so your ex was a jerk, got with a young chick, and got her pregnant. Ok..whatever. You can't do anything about any of that. He's moved on. STOP DWELLING ON HIM. You know why?? Because he obviously has moved on and you are no longer his first priority. Hurts..but true. Its not right but it happened. Do you honestly think he'll care if you are dwelling in self pity? He won't. I know..I cried buckets and buckets and buckets of tears when my ex got remarried 6 weeks after our divorce because he had gotten a woman pregnant. Did he care? No..not at all. I could have died..but he still would have went on living in his new life.
Its ok to grieve,its ok to be angry... you need to..but don't let it stop you from living, ok? Do things that make you feel better, make you laugh, make you smile. Be with people that love you, care about you, will listen to you. And yes, you do need to talk about what you are feeling. Vent..get it out of your system, its ok. Just talk to someone who will let you cry, scream, whatever you need to do. Join an exercise club maybe?? you can hit a punching bag or run and run and run and get the hurt/anger out of your system. Its not going to happen overnight..but if you keep trying..you will get better.
Go get your hair done, your nails done, buy a new purse, dress..something for YOU. It doesn't have to be expensive..just something that makes you smile and say "yes, I care about me".
Take up a new hobby, go out and be with people. Don't sit in a dark room feeling sorry for yourself. Get out and live. Lets face it, your ex was a jerk, and deep down inside I truly doubt if you want him back. You're hurt and scared because his life has went on, and you are a standstill right now. That's ok..you need time to regroup. Not everyone moves at the same pace, some of us take time to recover from this kind of hurt/pain. I didn't date for 3 years after my divorce, I just didn't want to. That was me and it was right for me.
Someday it won't be as bad as it is right now. I promise. Please think of yourself, look out for yourself. Try to get counselling if at all possible, or join a group for others that are divorced, misery loves company (within reason). Reach out to others..volunteer at a hospital, nursing home, animal shelter. Those things helped me immensely because it made me see that others suffer too and I felt good helping.
Take a deep breath and say to yourself "this too shall pass". It isn't the end sweetheart..it really isn't unless you chose to let it be the end. Let it be the beginning of a new life for you. I promise you'll be ok. Please let us know how you are. Hang in there it will get better. Remember to walk out and feel the sunshine and say "Yes, I'm still alive and I'm going to make it". *HUGS TO YOU*
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (14 January 2013): Oh honey. I am so sorry to hear what you have gone through. Please trust me when I say YOU DO deserve better than this man. No one deserves to be hurt like that. Your ex has shown himself for what he really is... a selfish, childish man. His new girl isn't "better" than you. Her youth may attract him to her in a superficial, skin-deep sense. That's lust. It's not love, and it's not the foundation of a true and lasting connection. When the newness of their liaison wears off she will be a young girl tied by a child to an aging man who is just as likely to leave her for the next "new model" when he loses interest in her. Less than 1% of marriages born from cheating survive. Please do not worry that these two have found "happily ever after." It's very,very unlikely.Please, too, understand it's no fault of yours that this a** left. I can only imagine how hard it must be when you have built a life with someone for so long and they cease to be a part of it. But it's absolutely crucial you not waste any more of the precious time you've been given on this earth pining for this man. He's taken enough from you. Every second you sit at home miserable is a second he wins and is still winning. Don't allow it. Go out and do things, though you may have to force yourself to do them at first. It will take time, but you can rebuild a life you love without him. Best of luck.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (14 January 2013): You were duped for 19 years thinking you were with a decent man. No decent man does this. He was using you all along to prop himself up while looking for ways to make himself feel good. I am sorry you wasted 19 years with him but she isn't getting a prize either in fact pity her for having a middle aged lying cheating low life as the father of her baby. That's rather disgusting. She will suspect him of cheating on her and his insecurity (which is what drives older men to seek affairs with young women while from the safety and security of their long term marriage in case the affair doesn't pan out) will drive him crazy thinking she is cheating on him. That's what relationships that started as affairs often become and in their case more so because he knows she is much younger and that he is older and unhappy with himself he will believe she's always cheating on him and he will only grow more insecure about this over the years.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (14 January 2013): There's few things more embarrassingly pathetic than an insecure middle age man trying desperately to feel adequate by cheating on his loyal wife and impregnating a young girl. Its so cliche. You know what's also cliche is that in a few years time the young girl will still be young while he will be geriatric. She will cheat on him and leave him for a younger man. Karma 's a b1tch as they say.He didn't love you, and he is not a family man by any stretch as he isn't a real man. Real men are loyal and form strong bonds with their wives who treat them well and give them everything. Selfish insecure men who always feel inadequate just pretend to love you because they need the marriage to feel less insecure as they are afraid of being alone. Then as these pathetic guys age they grow more insecure and emotionally unstable. Desperate to feel ok they have to get the attention of a younger girl and get her pregnant. Well if its any consolation to you there's a very strong chance that in a few years their relationship will be destroyed by suspicions and accusations of cheating since they both know the other is capable of it. And it will probably come true, she will probably cheat on him with a younger man and eventually dump him. Then you can sit back and laugh. By then you will have moved on and found yourself a REAL man, who treats you as well as you treat him.
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