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age
36-40,
anonymous
writes: I can't seem to stop picking "fixing upper" guys...they're always already broken somehow. My first boyfriend had family issues and subsequently could not have feelings in a relationship. My most recent boyfriend felt like he wasn't good enough for his family, made bad grades, was hospitalized for substances, took drugs and drank daily. Yet they all talked a big game and made it seem like we could work out. I always ignore the red flags because I feel like I can change them. There's something thrilling about being that girl who is "the exception". But in the end I'm always heartbroken and exhausted from helping them. How do I stop this and find a stable guy?
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female
reader, CindyCares  +, writes (15 January 2013):
 Read " Women who love too much " by Robin Norwood . And " Codependent no more " by Melody Beattie. I think they could offer you a couple of useful insights about your attraction for fixer-uppers.
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (14 January 2013): I think you need to look more within YOURSELF to find out why you have a need to be a rescuer? There is a term for this, it is "co dependent." Books have been written on it by psychologists and therapists. I suggest you start by reading some of those to better understand yourself and why you make the decisions you do, and think the things you do.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (14 January 2013): A good idea might be to make a list of qualities you are looking for and check each item off when you meet a person. I'm not talking about shallow things though, I mean serious issues that are deal breakers to you. For example my list might be: 1. sober; 2. employed; 3. emotionally mature etc etc... When one of these guys doesn't measure up to ANY one of the points then you know it's time to let go. The trick is to know what you need and not to settle for less than that. It's working for me so far anyway :)
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female
reader, ImmortalPrincess  +, writes (14 January 2013):
 One more thing I forgot to add - Never date someone, hoping they will change or that you can fix them. My ex husband had a horrible implosive temper. I was naive enough to believe he would grow out of it, and of course he never did.
Pay attention to those red flags. When someone exhibits behaviors that you don't want to live with, that's your cue to leave.
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A
male
reader, Danielepew  +, writes (14 January 2013):
 I'm not sure there is a way to find "stable people". I do believe that you can avoid this problem simply by not trying to fix people. If you saw a bull coming straight at you, you'd do something about it, right? That's what you need to do here. Instead of buying shoes that are too tight for you because they will "yield", buy shoes that fit you in the first place.
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female
reader, ImmortalPrincess +, writes (14 January 2013):
It seems to be a trait most of us women suffer from. We're natural born nurturers, so we have a tendency to fall for men who need "extra" nurturing.
I can completely understand where you're coming from. I used to be highly drawn to the "dark brooding tortured" types. I guess I thought it would boost my own self worth if I could make someone else feel like they were worth something. It was very emotionally draining, and I could never understand why I wasn't getting anything from the relationship. My ex husband was one of these types, and I continued to fall for the same type - even after we split up.
One day it hit me. I realized I was never going to have the kind of relationship I wanted with the type of men I always fell for. I had to step out of my comfort zone and explore something new.
When I met my current husband, neither one of us was each other's type - but we had a chemistry between us that allowed us to get to know each other. We are so glad that we stepped outside of that box that we had both placed ourselves in.
That is why I always tell people to not be afraid to date someone that they don't think is there type - especially if dating their "type" hasn't yielded any real relationship success.
One thing I would suggest is that maybe you change the types of places that you normally go to meet guys. Find out a little more about a guy before you commit to a relationship - and if they head down that same road of what you've always been dating, then walk away.
"If you keep doing what you've always done - you'll always get what you've always gotten"
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (14 January 2013): Well to be fair, you admit to ignoring the red flags when you see them, so one would assume you're fully aware of what a mission you'll be getting yourself into.
All I would suggest, the next time you feel an irresistible attraction to someone with an overwhelming amount of problems, just remember the past experiences you've had and talk yourself out of it.
You can't help a person unless they're willing to help themselves, so when you meet someone with issues, the reason they still have those issues is likely because they don't want to get help for them. Hence you'll be wasting your time trying.
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