A
female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:I think I`ve fallen out of love with my husband, we`ve been together for 5 years and married for 1. I know I don`t feel the same way about him that he does about me, my feelings aren`t as strong, and I don`t know if they ever were. But recently I made out with a crush of mine, kind of realizing my feelings about my husband and I know this was a mistake but I`m not happy with my husband, and it`s not like he`s ever treated me badly I just think I should`ve come to terms with the way I`ve been feeling before I got married because now it makes this even harder. The thing is I don`t want to drag this on if I can`t have the same feelings for him that he does for me. He doesn`t deserve that and neither do I. I really don`t know what to do??!!!
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female
reader, Enzian  +, writes (11 September 2008):
 I realy agree with the previous writter: love is not about feeling it is a decision! I try to explain you what I learnt about different aspects of love:
Falling in love just happens to you. You can't really control it yourself. It is like being on drugs. The hormones in your body tell you what to do and are reigning your feelings. It's a chemical reaction or emotional response. This is fun and can (not obligatroy) create amazing feelings! You can compare it with being drunk. The alcohol in your body makes you happy and you can forget your problems. So when you fall in love you are infatuated in that person. Your can forget all around you and your feelings and cogitations are with this person. You are just happy and don't see any problems.
Not having this feelings for a person does not meen, you can never really love this person. Because this feeling of falling in love are not really manageable. There is no rule how strong they have to be!
Real, deep, solid love is different. It is the decision to want the best for someone and to make this person happy. The feelings are different to the feelings of falling in love, and you don't always feel anything. But the cheerful feelings will come back again. This is not always the case with the feelings of falling in love. This feelings you will only have a few month or maybe a year or two. The disappear and they will not come back in the same form.
If you decide to love someone, you put this person on the first place in your life. This definition of real, deep, solid love I've learnt form the Christendom and it doesn't agree with the modern view of love. Today to love an other person means that oneself wants to rejoice. You expect him or her to be accountable for you for everything. The other person has to do everything to make you happy and fill every hole and gap in you. But nobody is able to do this and nobody is perfect and we can not expect them to be! But if we do and if this is our definition of love, no wonder, there are so many divorces. 2000 years ago they already knew that this concept of love doesn't work, why should it today???
So don't compare the feelings you have for your crush with the ones for your husband. The feelings you have for your crush are just the "falling in love feelings". But you made the decision for your husband by marrying him. I don't think that this was wrong, because in your last sentece you clearly show that you care about your husbands feelings. You are not half-hearted about him! So this is a point where you can start to care even more about him.
If you would like to learn how to realy care about someone you decided to love, I can recommend you the books of Gary Chapman. I learned a lot about my boyfriend and how to make him happy by reading this books. It also helped my get over some crises I had.
Good luck and all the best!
xxx
A
male
reader, happylife +, writes (10 September 2008):
Love is not a feeling. Love is a decision. The feeling that you are describing is attraction on the physical and the emotional level.
Attraction is like the satisfaction you get from buying your dream car; you love it the most at the beginning and your excitement fades away as the vehicle gets older.
Most people in the world do not remain attracted physically and emotionally to their spouse in the same way that they were initially. The attraction will fade away. What remains is your commitment, your promise to be there, your decision to honor your spouse through thick and thin, rich or poor no matter what your feelings are.
Let me give you a perfect example of love. When you have children, you may one day be very upset with them and may even give them a spanking or shout at them or give them time out and during those particular moments you may not be feeling all the joy of being a parent, however, what never changes is your decision to continue to love your children and to be there for them until your last day on earth.
The way you feel one day or one year should not impact your decision to love a person. You made your decision and it is now made. It is therefore time to begin honoring your decision and not worry about the feelings. Feelings will come and go. The only reason you felt all the feelings for the crush of yours is that right now he is new. Just like the new car. However, I can assure you that someday all those feelings will also fade away. The only thing that will remain is your decision to love that person.
I hope this helps. By the way, I too don't feel those feelings for my wife anymore. Her looks have even changed after having children. However, at the end of the day my decision to love her and honor her as my wife has not and will never change. I can't control my feelings but I can definitely control my decision and I've decided that I will always love my wife.
Good luck,
Happylife
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