A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:Hey, genuinely want advice here guys!Ok, Im 16 and doing my 'A' levels at my school sixth form. There is this one teacher I get along very well with, and im not sure what's happening with us. He is married with childrenHe is genuinely, i believe, emotionally confused atm, he confides deeply in me. I know that he is telling me things about himself that he has not told his wife or indeed anyone else. I go to see him every day, in my free periods and after school, I'll sometimes miss lessons to be with him, and he'll miss meetings because he has stayed talking with me. I cannot help wanting to see him, I have tried to stay away but he finds me. We sometimes stay talking for over 2 hours. He started panicking recently that people would think we were having an affair because I am in his room so much, and his room is kind of secluded - i was panicking at the time as well, and though we made jokes out of it, he said that he 'sees me as a friend so you have nothing to worry about'. He would not look me in the eye. The next day he was flirting heavily with me, asking me (again, he asks this literally whenever i mention a boys name) if I had a boyfriend. The other day I tried to avoid him, didn't turn up for his lesson, but he got really upset with me, and told me that he had been chatted up at a gig the night before, i think to make me jealous. He has only started going to gigs again because I go to them - he has admitted this.we ended up on a theatre trip that night, in which he came and sat beside me and we chatted all night. We talk about music and poetry - he went to alot of gigs in the 80s of my fave bands such as The Smiths and The Jam, and hes shown me photos and bits of his diary from this time.We've discussed the situation in a roundabout way several times - we came to the conclusion that some people might find our 'friendship' strange, but we're okay with it, and in fact i could have left the school and have a job by now in any case. Often if I pass him in the corridors at school we will both look the other way in case anyone sees us smiling at each other.Ive seen him socially out of school at a gig and his friend remarked upon his different behaviour with me - my friend thought he was drunk at first because he seemed that high around me (red faced, laughing, gazing at me, making stupid comments, stumbling over his words, playing with his drink etc) I mentioned to him a few weeks back to look for another job because he is so unhappy at our school, now he has an interview on thursday, but he has changed his mind and doesn't want to go - he says it's too much travelling, but he kept hinting and making comments about him staying on til this time next year, which is when i will leave, and asking me if i will be alright if he leaves.He told me today that he feels dead inside, and has done for awhile. It's plain to me that he doesn't have a good relationship with his wife although he wont talk about her and calls her 'the kids mother'. His children are fairly young, and he dotes on them, but I dont think his life satisfies him anymore.I'm scared of what is happening to us, I don't know how to help him, and Im not happy myself. My problem is that if I persuade him to go to the interview he will go, and will probably get the job. I think this is probably what's best for him, but selfishly i don't want him to leave because I truly am in love with him. I know that Im going to have to let him go, but the thought of my life at that school without him makes me feel ill.Next week I am going on a trip to France with him and the rest of my sixth form and am in two minds about whether I should tell him how i feel about him whilst there so that it is all out in the open and we don't have to keep hinting and guessing each others feelings. I'm also scared in case we have a bit too much to drink and do something stupid without discussing stuff first, but i don't know if I'll have the courage to say anything if Im sober. I wish I hadn't gotten so close to him, in hindsight maybe I shouldn't have allowed this level of friendship with a married man, particularly so much older than me, and my teacher. I don't ever notice the fact that he is my teacher when we talk, he is my closest friend. I didn't want to fall in love with him - but it has happened and now I can't go back. Please help me, I don't know what to do.
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female
reader, miss.melody +, writes (27 February 2010):
This teacher is so obviously coming on to you and it is completely inapropriate. He is married so not only will he be cheating but he may also lose his job. I suggest you talk to him maybe drop hints that your not intrested. Try not to hang out with him all the time it may give the impression that you like him. Especially when he's not getting along with his wife he will be prone to making stupid mistakes that both of you will most likely deeply regret. Remember what he is doing is not allowed!love miss.melody xx
A
female
reader, mysterious_blonde_lady +, writes (3 June 2009):
Hmmm. All i can say is never trust a married man that cheats. He's lied to you already' saying he would go to an interview he didn't. Problem is this man is violating lots of laws and morals everyday; he lies constantly. He lies to his superiors, he lies to his colleagues, he lies to his wife his children he even lies to himself and undoubtedly lies to you. The chances of him leaving his wife are pretty slim. If you get involved with him; you will most likely be his mistress escape: he has a wife he does not need another one! I don't know how much older this teacher is, but if he is over 40 i can guarantee that in the long run he will not want a proper relationship with you. Sounds like he is more interested in using you as his 'outlet' to pour everythiung he has into. If you choose to begin an affair with this man; consider what you'll do if it gets found out, or if he ends it with you, or if you want more and he cant give it to you. Or.. if he loses interest in you entirely. He is obviously unreliable, immature and incapable of sustaining any kind of moral code and i worry that he is a groomer; i.e. he wants you to be dependant and the clinginess is infact a controlling nature, that may worsen with time. Be prepared for the worst because it sounds like you've picked yourself an interesting character here.
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A
female
reader, kitty_3  +, writes (12 March 2009):
 what ended up happening on the France trip?
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A
female
reader, nicole5178 +, writes (5 April 2008):
 Okay, so I'm confused: are you interested in him or not? If you are, then what's the problem? Are you having second thoughts because he's married? He's always been married, and that didn't stop you before.
I think what he meant by the 'looking back when you're 25', is that he knows you two are having an emotional affair. Sometimes, though, people who have emotional affairs aren't looking for anything physical, because they can rationalize an emotional connection with 'friendship', but a physical affair is definitely morally unsound. The typical person in an emotional affair doesn't want hand holding, let alone sex.
From personal experience, married teacher men will look, but not touch, but if they do, they stop themselves after the first arm-hand contact. Or, your teacher could be one of those pyscho child molesters, but from what you're saying, he doesn't sound like that. Just remember that he's a little desperate for emotional connection to another person, and you've taken it upon yourself to fill that void for him. Ask yourself if you would be able to shun him from your life now--from what you've explained, you care for him just as much as he cares for you.
I don't think you'd be able to remove him from your life, so just move past that option if you don't think you could abandon him. Either keep being friends or tell him to back off--the only option that would be unwise would be to do something physical with him. Don't let your relationship cross that line, because if you're worried about not being able to get him out of your head now, that would put you in such a worse position.
My suggestion is to be friends, and if he progresses things, tell him to back off a bit and explain the friendship boundaries you want. If you ever want to talk, feel free to message me. Good luck!!
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (4 April 2008): Hunny
The only one being hurt here is you, And poss his wife, not that she is aware yet love maybe..I no if you love someone its hard to control the feelings..But there is somethink wrong with this man, The way he talks he sounds neady and he makes you feels sorry for him so therefore your scared to hurt his feelings...Be carefull hunny thats all the advice I can give, He has a family....TAKE CARE OF YOU WITH LOVE N HUGS MANDY XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX
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reader, anonymous, writes (4 April 2008): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThank you so much for all your advice! Im gonna think over it.
He didn't go to that interview. On Wednesday he asked me to go see him and I did, and he told me that he WAS going to go. He seemed quite happy, and looking forward to it. Then suddenly he started to go red and went silent for ages (I was like 'Here we go, whats he gonna say now!') and he went "I was thinking before, what you'll think of this time when you're about 25" and I said "What do you mean, thats a bit vague!" and he said "Will you just think 'WHAT WAS HE DOING!!??' or will you look back fondly on me, and I hope you will" and I went "well it's not as if I'm gonna look back unfondly on you is it?" and he said well I dunno, you might.
Then I said I hope you'll stay in touch with me anyway! and he said of course, and then he went into this big thing like "I'll always be here for you, just because I might leave, I will ALWAYS be your friend, I promise you. And it can happen, teachers and students can be life-long friends or... But there is a big age difference, you know"
And I said that I didn't care.
Anyway the day after that, he said he'd changed his mind and withdrew from it.
God, I'm just... I'm ashamed of acting like this, I assure you I am, I just don't think I can be trusted round him at all, I can't help it, I see him and I ALWAYS end up flirting with him, I tell myself I'll pop in and ask about work that I NEED to do, for 5 minutes, and we'll talk and the time will slip away. I try to imagine family photographs, his daughters school plays, ordinary stuff like dinner round the table and just none of it works! Today i missed all of second lesson and break, even though we both needed a drink, he stayed with me through break instead. Then AFTER school for half an hour, and he makes up stupid reasons to see me, he'll tell me to come and look for things that we both know aren't gonna be in his room. I mentioned some random boy and he immediately asked if hed offered to take me out..
ah god it's farcical really...... I won't see him now til Sunday, on the france trip, I am taking on board all that you've said, but how can I go on like this, I can't sleep, can't eat, I can't even get away from him because he'll be hurt that Im ignoring him, if I skip his lessons my education will suffer, the only way he'll know why Im staying away from him is if I tell him! And even then, if I tell him, there's probably a big chance he'll respond to me and then where will we be?? I can't see a way out of this, it's so cnfusing :( Im constantly wondering what he feels about me, I want to talk to him about it... I just don't want to hurt anybody!
:'|
xx
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A
female
reader, RunsWithScissors +, writes (2 April 2008):
Okay, the anonymous male poster said it correctly: you can't control who you fall in love with but you can handle how you act upon it. You will find in life that you will be attracted to various different men, it's part of our chemistry, but what you DO with that attraction is what you CAN control. Since you're young you haven't learned that yet. When you find yourself attracted to a man you need to ask yourself a few questions: Is this a healthy relationship? Are we equals? Will pursuing this relationship hurt anyone else? Is this person in a bad situation and simply looking for an escape? You need to learn to discern which attractions are worth pursuing and which are not. If it will hurt other people badly, don't feed that fantasy any further. If it's a situation where someone is in authority over you, don't pursue a relationship with them until they are not in authority over you. If the person is desperate and unhappy with their current life, be careful you are not simply an easy escape for them. You want to pursue relationships where you are both on equal footing and aren't trying to right some other wrong in either of your lives. You want to be with someone because you both CHOOSE to do so, not because one or the other is needy.
Yes, it sounds like this guy is attracted to you. Many people will try to tell you this isn't the case, but saying so doesn't prepare you to deal with such situations. When a man is having trouble in his marriage, the attention of a young woman is very flattering. He's going to be inclined to cling to that. Just watch yourself and don't let his problem become your problem. You've got a lot of life ahead of you and believe me when I say that there will be other guys out there you'll be attracted to. If you let things go too far now and then he leaves his wife you'll feel like you HAVE to make this relationship work because so much is on the line. The fact is, he wouldn't be pursuing you if there weren't already problems in his marriage. He may use you as the excuse to leave, then you'll feel obligated to make a relationship work with him once you're of legal age and this may not be the right longterm relationship for you. When you're equals with someone you can pursue a relationship, then if at some point you realize it's not right for one or both of you...you can leave it without guilt. As it is now if you cross the line and he leaves, you'll feel responsible. You probably won't be because he's the one who should know better as an adult, but you'll still feel that guilt. Don't give up your right to freely choose your own path because of someone else seeing you as an escape.
My advice is to take this for what it is on your end...a crush. I'm not saying that you don't have feelings for him, but let yourself have a simple CRUSH. A crush can actually be a healthy thing, it's how we learn to relate to the opposite sex and it's flattering. We women think we have to let our whole hearts go when we have crushes, we don't...even if the man doesn't understand that. Don't let him steer this relationship, YOU steer it. Keep it a fun crush and something that sustains you through your next year of school, then look forward to moving on and experiencing life for all it is.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (1 April 2008): you 2 have a wonderful relationship and its seems its more than friends but like the others say think about the children....notsomuch the wife but about the little ones he has....it will ruin their lives you dont want want to be knownas a homewrecker right??
i know you truley love him and if he were single i would say go for it but since he is married that changes everything...think before you do anything....thats all i have to say....
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (1 April 2008): You can't control WHO you fall in love with. But you CAN control how you act upon this.
There is nothing wrong with a friendship devloping between teacher and student, a lot of the time this can help both persons in life and studies.
But he is clearly not just interested in a friendship. I'm not saying he's a predator, I don't know him, he may never have done this before in his life. But to persue anything other than friendship is not only against the law, it is morally unsound.
The fact that he is married should sound the death-knell for anything other than friendship.
If a married man can cheat with you, he can cheat with anyone. Same for married women.
You need to look at the big picture here. You both appear only to think of your own selfish desires. What of that of his children, innocent and young, or his wife who is probably equally saddened that her husband is becomeing such a tired old jackhole and has no idea how to re-ignite the flame that was obviously once there.
Think of them and of the torment and pain it will cause if you choose to start a relationship with this man. Do you really think his children are going to welcome you with open arms once they are old enough to realise that you broke up a marriage? Even if their parents try to teach them not to hate you?
They will believe me. I don't think I'll ever be able to welcome my father's new wife. I refuse to even agknowledge her as step-mother. The law says she is. But she will nevr, ever be anything more to me that the woman who destroyed my parent's relationship.
Now that doesn't stop me from being polite and doing the right thing by everyone and not just insulting her every chance I get, it means that I don't like it.
What is the point of all this?
Either continue the friendship and keep it as is. Or end it. Don't what ever you do enter into anything more than friendship, because it will most likely end up in heartbreak and jail for at least one of you.
Hope this helps.
Flynn 24
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (1 April 2008): Imagine, for one moment you were the children. Or even the wife. How would you feel if he came home and said he was having an affair with his student blah blah blah *slam*-walk out? Although it is his own responsibilty to you and himself not to do anything, he may be down to you to be the responsible one.
However much you love him, you must care about him? If you care about him, regardless then you need to make sure that he sorts himself out on his own. Don't start anything or tell him anything until he sorts himself out. Even if he leaves his family then, at least it would just be down to him and you won't have that longing guilt and pain.
Just be there for him. So what about people thinking about your relationship. Both me and my teacher have problems and we tend to share stuff. I wouldn't say my relationship with her is on the same level or her problems being in anyway the same, but the best and only thing you can do if just support him.
It may be for the best if he does go to that interview. By the way he's going, I wouldn't worry about not keeping in touch he'll probably give you his details.
If he tells you he loves you, you can say whatever the hell you like just don't do anything until he's sorted it out for himself.
Divorces happen just don't make it worse than it needs to be.
Good luck,
DB
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A
female
reader, nicole5178 +, writes (1 April 2008):
I think that you should just keep being his friend...
I mean, he's obviously hurting, and you stop that. So naturally he's going to like you, but just remember where the boundaries are. If you two are really in love with each other, then I'm sure you and him would be more than willing to wait until you're out of school and he's divorced. From experience, knowing that another woman's husband is looking at you in that manner is a bit... unclean. I always felt awful whenever this one married guy would flirt with me, even though I had feelings for him too. Also, the "once a cheater always a cheater" saying does apply here. The more he waits out his marriage, the better a future relationship with you could turn out.
...And don't drink if you think you'll do something stupid. Maybe watch to make sure he doesn't drink too heavily, and then you can take care of him--make sure he gets back alright to where ever you all are staying. At least then your judgment won't be clouded. It's best to just avoid the alcohol factor, I think.
I do believe that he has feelings for you. He goes to where he knows you will be. He hangs around you instead of sitting with other teachers and instead of going home to his wife--it's pretty obvious who he'd rather be around. If he doesn't want it to go any further with it though, don't push him. He sounds like a good guy who just happened to fall for the inopportune person. Don't exploit that.
If he's as great as you think he is, he won't want anything new until after things are over with his wife. You could ruin your chances if you pursue him now.
...Hope that helped you. Good luck!
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A
female
reader, thebethany  +, writes (31 March 2008):
i agree with mandy, not to be harsh honey, but he is your teacher, you're a student. it is not appropriate for you too to be in love, he has a wife and children and a life with them. he sounds as if he is going through a rough time but he should never have turned to a student for help. you need to start skipping all his classes, cut off contact, spend some more time with other students your age, maybe get a boyfriend your age, he is too old for you even if he wasnt married, their is a big difference betwen a 16 year old and her married teacher. what he is doing is called "abuse of power", he has moulded you into what he needs in his life right now, this is SOOO selfish. Concentrate on yourself not him, his happiness is not your responsibility, your own is. get through school, and let him live his own life. what he is doing is wrong, you are the victim here,
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A
female
reader, Tisha-1 +, writes (31 March 2008):
 Mandy is so right on this, I can only add one other thing here. I hope you've had a little look at some of the other posts of women who get involved with a married man. Almost always, the relationship they think the have goes nowhere but heartbreak for the women in the role of the "other woman."
Why would you put your education and future on the line for a man who is not available, really? Someone has to be the "grown-up" here, and it might as well be you! Stop worrying about his future and focus on yours, as I'm sure your family would want you to have the best!
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (31 March 2008): Hi Hunny
This is not right but you no that sweetheart, There is nothing I can say to make you change your mind. He is married and older and should never have let this get to the point it is at now..I say be very carefull when you go away as you canot take back something once it is said or done. He must have loved his wife at some point in his life and the children you say he dotes on them, So he would never leave them and they are young, And to be honest when someone is under pressure with family and work its a need to finds an interest to keep work life more bearable usually a hobbie or sport but that interest has become you..Im not being mean hunny Im being honest, He has moulded you so you are now his best friend and have fallen head over heals inlove...He even comes out with immature remarks about being chatted up at a gig to make you jealous!!!!All I can say is his wife is probably busy with the children and he feels left out and he needs attention. Put yourself in the possition of his wife, You love him ok, So does she..Always put yourself in the other persons shoes as you only have a one sided story..Im thinking of you love and what happens if you do end up telling him how you feel and he makes a pass at you what then? He has a resposability to his students and its not to take advantage of your caring and kind nature sweetheart, If you need a chat message me anytime, Please dont think Im having ago Im just trying to help you see that the outcome of this could be very hurtfull for you hunny. PLEASE TAKE CARE OF YOU SWEETHEART WITH LOTS OF LOVE N HUGS MANDY XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX
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