A
female
age
41-50,
*amnit
writes:Here it goes. My SO and I have been together for just over a year now. We get along great except for a few details. He never tells me that I'm beautiful, but he has told me about how beautiful his ex-wife is and about how much of a freak she was and how great in bed she was. At first, it didn't bother me because I have an ex-husband also, but it has slowly eaten away at me until I'm crazy over the subject. He swears that he loves me more than he ever loved her, but I have caught him lying on numerous occasions and no longer believe anything that he tells me concerning that area. We have had problems with porn(I don't like it and told him from the beginning how I felt about it and he swore that it would never be a problem) and him talking to and texting other girls. We got past that, but it still makes me wonder that if he can be so devious about little things then why wouldn't he lie to me about his ex also? Why the hell did he tell me about how perfect she was? She cheated on him, gave him(and in turn me because he supposedly didn't know it) an STD, and treated him like total dirt and he still married her! I personally would never have been intimidated by a girl like her because IMO she is not that good looking, but now jealousy has eaten me alive. I am insecure about every aspect of my body down to whether or not my "area" is as nice as hers! I have never felt insecure like this before. I used to strut around town with five boyfriends after me, but I loved him and dumped everyone to devote myself exclusively to him. And now I hate myself. My self esteem and self love is at an all time low. Oh, and did I mention that I'm pregnant!? She's never had children so she has perfect little literally size two body and now I get to have his child, but I will be fat and disgusting and end up having my body ruined. Yay!, for me. I just really wish that I had not fallen in love again. I went from being completely happy to completely not myself in less than a year. I guess that's enough of a pity party for now. What I'm really asking is whether anyone has been in this kind of situation and if this is fixable or should we just go our merry ways?
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ex-wife, his ex, insecure, jealous, porn, self esteem, std, text Reply to this Question
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male
reader, macmichael  +, writes (10 May 2008):
Man ive just answered so many questions like this your in the same boat as every female on the planet haha
You fell for a confident man and now hes turned out nasty.
You need to date men whoa are not confiedent i know its horrable and to have to admit that maybe you cant have the confident men is something that no woman wants to do. But if you do you will have a caring husband who woul;d NEVER say anyting about his ex ever ! (partl because he wownt have one) haha but serously i think its either an underconfident man or a lot of pain for a long time. p.s even if you stick with him when your body is old and he can still get girls he will ! but that also goes for the next confident guyy you fall for too
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (6 April 2008): I don't know what to say. I understand how you feel. The only thing in my situation that is not like yours is she got to have a child with him and we may never have kids. He tried to go back to her becaused he missed his daughter, but I dont undersand how missing you child translates into sex with the ex?
She calls and tells me I am stupid,tells him how ugly I am. He doesn't want me to respond because he doesnt want that negative cross-fire to get back to his daughter. The ex already tells her how bad of a parent he is and that he ruined her life-which she proudly repeats back to him when he is at work.
I can't stand her to the point I cant stand myself anymore. He tells me he loves me and he is not going anywhere, but he will never love blindly like he did with her (she cheated with another member of their church and blames him for those actions)but feels that we have a wonderful future.
How wonderful can it be if I just look forward to his daughter going back after a visit just so the ex wont be calling until the next time? I wish I had a solution for you but at least you know you are not alone.
Don't let your esteem get in the way of your relationship between you and YOUR baby.
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A
male
reader, rcn +, writes (1 April 2008):
 That's all information is, a tool to find out about ourselves. I urge you, when seeking counseling to take your time in finding the right person. Over the years, I've seen too many where if you want to fix a relationship, they'll tell you how, if you want to end it, they'll tell you how, even if their professional opinion is opposite of. There are some good ones, and some who just really want that check and will have you come back time and time again even if they know it's really for nothing.
I know where you're coming from, the rich that can't detatch from the nipple. He was a bit more co-dependent. As far as your body is concerned. I never saw you, can't judge what you look like, but I can say size 2 would need to increase that number by a few or more. You are very blessed in having a child. To really by a mother instead of mothering a big boy is going to be an experience unlike any other. I'm a single parent, and my children make every day brighter than it would be without them.
Remember to have that good body at the end, part of it lies in simple exercises while you're pregnant. Don't just say, oh what the hell, and let your body go, then the extra weight will be real hard to get off.
With your ex, he's the one that chose not to change. With how much you did, you say you we're going to deny yourself love, because of his actions. It wasn't the relationship he was comfortable with, it was his sense of self. For some reason he didn't want to give up the life of having his rear wiped by someone else. That's a comfort zone. Could you imagine growing up beleiving some of these "regular" life problems didn't exist, then being asked to step out of your comfort level of self protection to step into an area where you may experience different issue levels.
I hope this counseling works out for you. Take care.
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A
female
reader, damnit +, writes (1 April 2008):
damnit is verified as being by the original poster of the questionI got divorced because people grow apart. My ex and I started dating when we were fifteen. We were together a total of nine years and married for over two years. He is a rich boy with no responsibility and I grew up in the family business where you gain an excellent work ethic. So in the end, he wanted to remain a child and I was sick of being his mother. We separated in October 05 and did not get divorced until January 07. I tried my damndist to fix the marriage. We went to counseling together, everything, and it all came down to that he didn't want to change. He begged for another chance when I finally left, but I was tired of listening to my heart and decided to let my mind do the thinking for a while. I believe that love is unconditional, etc., also, BUT I think that when it's time to go, it's time to go. Sometimes relationships just run their course and it needs to end. We are still friends, though, and not romantically interested in each other.
All the crap that I've been through with this one in the last year. I'd say that is once again, unconditional love. Love shouldn't hurt, but sometimes it does.
Maybe the way I view bodies' and what child bearing does to them is not politically correct, but I just call things like I see them. The vast majority of women, that I know that have had children, now have inferior bodies. Maybe one out ten has a decent body still and they are all the really tall really skinny girls who actually look better with a little extra padding on them.
I do not use 'love' to cope with low self esteem. I dated so many guys because I wanted to see what was out there after I got divorced, meet a lot of knew people(made a shite load of female friends too), and see the world. I did not want to fall in love again because I did not want to go through another divorce. Even though we were/are friends still, divorce still sucks.
We got into a huge fight last night and both agreed that we need to go to counseling. Hopefully it will help. I went with my ex and it didn't, but he was happy with the way our life was so maybe my current SO will be more receptive to what the counselors have to say. My current SO has been wanting to get married, even before we found out about the baby, but I want to put that off for a LONG time.
Well, I'll tell you guys if counseling helps. Thank you for the responses. Though I may have invalidated what some of you said, your opinion still made me sit down and think about the dynamics of myself and the relationship.
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A
male
reader, rcn +, writes (1 April 2008):
So if you were that much in love, why the divorce?
It is quite possiable he has some red flags or mental blocks. You're right in how he's not exercising proper judgement in the way he referres to his ex wife.
I asked about the love because "love" in itsself is mistaken for being a feeling. It can lead to some real magical feelings. Love doesn't contain pain, jealousy, expectations, judgements. It's the choice to love someone, without any return expectations. It's unconditional, and is the furtilizer that nurtures and grows the "feelings" and "emotions".
I hope everything works out for you guys.
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A
female
reader, damnit +, writes (1 April 2008):
damnit is verified as being by the original poster of the questionI did have self worth before I got into this relationship. I can't help that I love an a-hole. I was dating successful 'perfect' men, but didn't have any sort of connection with any of them. I have known my SO since grammar school and we met back up right after we divorced our high school sweethearts and had an awesome connection. Mind, body, and soul. But then his ex started coming around, contacting him and everything changed.
I love my high school sweetheart dearly, so yes I have been in love and know what it truly is. That is one reason that I am so upset about his trespasses. I would never behave that way to someone I love. I will take your advice on googling 'balance' and my life does feel really out of balance at the moment. I appreciate hearing everyone's different take on the situation. I am very open minded.
He started the issue, but it has become MY problem. I do take responsibility for the way I react to his BS. I just really need to know how to get past this knowledge of her. It sucks to know so much about the person you loves ex. I think that maybe he is punishing me(unconsciously) for all the crap that she put him threw. He does have many good points, but I just listed what is bothering me. I like to get down to the nitty gritty of it all that it can be solved.
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A
male
reader, rcn +, writes (1 April 2008):
I just love contradictory answers. I'd have to disagree with the other poster in the way that there is nothing wrong with you. (1) Comparing yourself to others (2) The lower self esteem now (3) The lower sense of self you entered into the relationship with. Let me ask you this. How did it feel whe you had 5 different guys all showing you attention? Now, I personally love looking at pregnant women, no not in that "sedistic" way. The way women glow when they have life growing in them. It's magical watching that process.
I'm a single parent. No, I'm not a woman so I don't compare myself to the perfect anorexic body. Even with your view of bodies, nothing can replace the love you'll receive from a child. The amazing experiences you'll recieve in raising them. You'll have someone much more precious than a pant size.
Your sense of self is yours. It's getting damaged by your own views. His ex has nothing to do with your self esteem, how you view her does. Why do you wish you hadn't fallen in love again. Maybe it's because you've never actually been in love. Are you compensating someone making you feel special (coping with low self esteem) for love?
In life we live by perception. What bothers you, may not bother me and vice versa. Just because our views are different doesn't necessarily mean you're wrong or I'm wrong. Just means our views are different. Same with your sense of self. If you start telling yourself negative information about you, you will eventually start believing it. We usually trust what we tell ourselves over what others tell us.
To me, you're an important person, or I wouldn't be spending time writing this. I don't have to meet you to know that. I do this sight unseen. Sometimes we need to treat ourselves as we've never met. Your important because your here, you're you, you're unique, and you don't need to be compared to anyone else, because there is no one else quite like you.
I want you to take some time and google "being in balance", or "developing balance", I think your low self esteem is due to having at least one area not quite where it should be in your life. As you bring all areas of balance to an equal or higher level, you'll start feeling good again, and be empowered to do for you and not paying as much attention to what others are thinking.
The two of you need to sit down and get all this out in the open. Don't judge when you do, remember views can be different. I hope this helps, take care.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (1 April 2008): First off, there is absolutely nothing wrong with you. He is very much in the wrong here. You need to tell him how bad it makes you feel when he talks about his ex that way and that he needs to commit to you and leave her behind.
If he's a good person, he'll love you even more for having his baby. If he treats you badly, even though you've been good to him, then he's not worth it.
I've had expiriences with my bf talking about other women, I told him I didn't like it and he stopped. It's fixable, but up to him.
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